Monday, March 29, 2010

Q&A, and rides on a soapbox...

I just wrote this huge post. I honestly can't remember the last time I posted this climb along and enjoy the ride~

thanks for the responses from our first getting to know you party :)  I have always been a little curious as to whom follows my blog.Its nice to know, and if you didn't get a chance and would like to, I would love to hear from you!I know it is sometimes a little crazy and all over the place, but thats me..if you know me..

I am so thankful for those that have followed for a while, and the new ones too, for praying for Ella and our family. This truly is a grief that is too big for us to handle alone..and thankfully for us, we have a God that carries us through the storm.I have said to a few people, how it seems as though, in the last few weeks, that I am coming out of a fog, or a dream even.. I think I entered this fog, this time last year, when it all became too real that we were going to lose her..The seizures started and she began to fade away..and my mind went into this self preservation mode..AKA.."the fog"..I have had too many moments to count where it lifted and it all was too much..I couldn't handle it..*back under I go** now though,  I feel as though the fog is lifting and I am okay. I miss her so much..but I can function without her.I am doing more than going through the motions.. I am aware, and it sucks..but I know she is healed, she is in Heaven, waiting on us.. She is securely wrapped in our saviors more seizures, no more sedation, feeding tubes..just peace..In Sunday school we are reading the book of Exodus..this week we talked about Moses, how he floundered at times and was not always confident in God..even though God told him that it would not be easy to free his people, but he would get him through.."I have remembered my covenant" God told Moses, in other words, I know what I said..I remember my word..and I, much like Moses, have thought and said..this is too hard, its too much, this grief..I just cannot handle it.. Moses led the children of Israel out Egypt..through the plagues, famine, and many other trials..It wasn't easy..but God provided him the way, the strength.. Just as he will and already has carried us this far..A year ago..I thought when she left, that I would end up in an institution and that I would die of a broken heart..the Bible tells me that is Psalm 55 :22 "Cast your burden on the LORD, and he shall sustain you: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." Every time I read this, I hear this voice saying "stick with me kid, I'll take care of you.." So does it hurt every day she is I struggle daily just to put my feet on the floor and start a new day without I am choosing to stick with him..he is the reason I can get up every day..that and the prayers of our friends and families.. God hears our prayers and is working on mending our broken hearts.. and we are so blessed.. 
*step off of soapbox.

now back to the planned post, and no more another soapbox..


How did you and your hubby meet?
 We met at church when we were 14 or so..We started dating officially on my 16th birthday..Not many people can say they found the love of their life when they were so young.. I have been so blessed..we have had many tough times, but its so worth it..

Where's your fav vacation spot?
I would love to go on a light house tour of New England.. in the fall.. I've always thought it was so beautiful there.. I went to Puerto Rico on a missions trip when I was 18 or so and loved it..I would LOVE to take Jay there..Jay loves skiing in Colorado..myself, well I am just not coordinated enough..or brave enough to jump out of a perfectly nice lift-chair onto a mountain..

How did you pick Ella's name? 
 I wanted something timeless..I loved Ava for several years and that was the day Jay admitted he didn't love we just shouted out random names, and I said "Isabella" and he looked at me and smiled and said "thats her name"  We agreed to call her Ella, and when she was born..I knew the first time I looked at her, that she is Ella..anything else would be ridiculous.. Also, Isabella we later found out means "Gods promise"..I love it..

How is your coping with grief different from Ella's daddy's way?
At first I was a wreck  honestly. I laid in bed pretty much the first month or two. From time to time I had to pretend I wasn't dying from the inside out..and it wore me out. I would come home and sleep as though it had been days..Jay unfortunately was the one to pick up my slack..he put me back together every time I would break..He cried for her..missed her as much as I did..but he put on the hat of the protector..he encouraged me and reminded me I had to care for Cayden..sadly, this was the case..I knew we still had to take care of Cayden, but I felt so guilty every time I looked in his he wanted her so bad, and I could not do anything to save her..then it was opposite and I needed him with me all of the time. I hated for him to stay anywhere..worry was part of it..but I needed him with me, because I felt more sane if he was around..I am finally coming around..I kind of talked about it a little above, but its a journey..Jay has always had this faith..Yes he misses her, but she was really so bad the last month or was not fair for me to want her to stay on this earth suffering..on oxygen, getting her belly tapped every few days, extremely sedated so she didn't seize..but I was selfish as a mother..I spoke before about praying for the Lord to take me home. I felt this when she first was diagnosed until about a month or so after she passed.  We knew she was not going to make it..I just needed her like I needed air..and it gets a little easier as the days go on..for months I did not believe this to be felt like it was only worsening. Jay would seem okay, smile, laugh and I was so can you do this when our daughter is dead? I felt guilty as I eventually found myself smiling, laughing..but it is not God's plan for us to suffer..I prayed for Peace of heart, mind, soul, I prayed to let go of the anger at God, my family, Jays family..everyone..and he's granted it to me..I did not just wake up one day and forget the was little bits at a time..I always say Jay is stronger in his faith than I am.. this may or may not be true..but I am so glad he has clinged to the word, the promises of Heaven, and inspired me to not give up hope on that joy..He reminds me often of how blessed we are..for Cayden, our friends, our families, each other, and most importantly our salvation..that faith in knowing one day we will be reunited with Ella.. one day I will be made whole again..
*step off of soapbox again...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

this and that..and a little getting to know you.. and me..

First of all, thanks to Fran, Jenna's mommy @ small bird studio for the new look! I love it! She does such a great job for way cheaper than any other I've ever seen and to make it even better, its for a good cause..go check her out :)

Second, I have seen a few people asking their lurkers to come out and reveal themselves..and I would LOVE to know who reads my blog..and how did you find me? Have you followed very long?  This is for anyone and lost and otherwise, even if I know you in real life..let me know! Because sometimes I question if its read by anyone..(during my random pity party sessions of course..)

Lastly, I have seen a few people do a Q&A post.. questions you may have, about my life, my family, my loss, my relationships, anything..if you are curious about something, just let me know :)
Question Marks Pictures, Images and Photos

I look forward to hearing from you!!

Also.. I still have Ella's name gallery (on the left side of the screen)..if anyone has one that you would like to share, please email it me love to see her name written.. I guess because I cannot get any new pics of her, her name works.. :) 

Saturday, March 20, 2010

prayers needed

Prayers needed for Bree and sweet baby Nora..she is 27 weeks pregnant and started having contractions and was admitted to the hospital a few days ago. they are monitoring her and they just diagnosed her with gestational diabetes..and She lost her sweet Ella last year this time (March)... this is a very stressful time I could imagine. I am sure she will update as soon as she can, but in the meantime, I am certain she would appreciate prayers and good thoughts sent there way.. pray for peace of heart and mind and that little Nora will stay in place for a little bit longer..

Monday, March 15, 2010


This week is spring break..last spring break Ella and I were in the hospital dealing with her seizures.. the seizures that stole my sweet smiley baby.. This spring break, we are cleaning, going to the zoo one day and going to see the new "Diary of a wimpy kid" movie on Friday (c's fav books!!) It is so bittersweet to be able to "enjoy" spring..last year she was so sick and fragile and now that we can get out and enjoy the weather, I lack the motivation to do so.. Every time I go anywhere I see little cute spring and Easter dresses.. last year we bought her 3 because they were all so stinking cute.. bleh...another holiday..

Group is going pretty well.. this past week we showed her video montage to the group, I haven't watched it since her funeral, and still haven't.. but I heard the song, I saw the video in my head and it was soo ridiculously hard.. I was so proud of Jay, he loved sharing her with the group, they all ooohhed and ahhhhed at her, and agreed that she was(is) gorgeous.. "her smile" "her eyes" make you melt, make you smile etc etc... yes I am aware..thank you.. (cry all the way home and tearful all night and all day the next day)

Revival was last week, we went every night except Thursday when we had group.. it was good.. I feel as though I am constantly waiting to "be moved" for something, anything to be said, to read, that makes me go "oh well it all makes sense now" Realistically though, I know I am never going to have that..but a girl can dream right??

Well this post is all over the place, but I am here...hanging in there.. thanks for checking in :)

Friday, March 5, 2010

not enough..

When Ella was sick there was nothing to be done. No treatments, no cure..just treat her symptoms the best that we could. To love her with everything, to be committed to her, to her well-being and health, it just was simply not enough..Since she has passed, we have been searching for something to help us, cayden and our family in general, something to fill our broken hearts. We would love another child of our own right now, but its just not logical for us.. maybe one day..but now there are so many risks of another sick child, and we just cannot bear it..sooo we have been searching for an answer, been praying for guidance..and Jay and I have decided to foster a child (maybe 2).. all we could do for Ella just was not enough, but its all these kids need..even if its just a night or two, we are making a difference.. We are only going to take in girls 0-2 for the time since all we have extra is a crib and a pink room, but its a start.. and since we have made this decision..we have a sense of peace. We met with a DHS worker this week and are going to begin training as soon as I get all of the paperwork in.. It could take up to 90 days to have everything done (training, home studies, etc etc) but in the mean time.. we wait and do what we need to do.. so this is our news, and it seems as though right now, things are on the right track..I still have bad days..but they are getting a tad bit easier...  

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Verb1.go through the motions - pretend to do something by acting as if one was really doing it; "She isn't really working--she's just going through the motions"
Make believe, pretend, make - represent fictitiously, as in a play, or pretend to be or act like
  • Get up, one foot out of bed and then the other..
  • Fake Smile at the people I know, or are acquaintances with at the school, grocery store, church, everywhere I go..I see someone I must smile at..
  • work, clean, feed the dog and cats, try to take care of my family and friends and be there when they need me..but I am only partially there..I am consumed by my own sadness, that I cannot focus..I am numb to others grief and pain..I hate it..
  • fake smile when everyone someone else announces their pregnancies, new babies, etc etc.. all the while thinking_ I just wish I could still have her..I wish things were different..I just need my
  • Let Cayden off to school, friends and family's house to stay the night.. I have to fake a smile and be fine, although I just want him to stay with me..all of the time.. I just need to know at any given moment that he is okay..
  • I pretend that it doesn't kill me that it is March already.."yeah, I guess it is march, I didn't realize" liar.. I have been dreading it for a few reasons. March is when we decided to place her feeding tube, when her seizures started, when I brought her home different than when I took her in.. I let her seize all night trying to take care of her myself, because I knew that she would be readmitted, and she was to ICU..I should have taken her sooner..and to top it off, C will be 10 on the 30th.. 10.years.old.. he has wanted a sibling since he was 4, and I can't even provide him with one to keep.. so..yeah. I guess I do realize its March..just a few months shy of May..when my world fell apart..
I want so much more than to go through the motions forever.. I want to not be numb. I want to care about what people are saying, what people are going through.. I want to smile and MEAN it.. I don't want to be envious of every family with a baby or toddler around the age Ella should be..