just because I feel like blogging..

Every parent has these feelings about how time is fleeting with their children..you know, the 'When did they get so big?!' moments..  Probably especially around the time school starts or around Birthdays and such.. I think for those that have lost children get a double dose.. I look at Lily starting Pre-k and at Cayden as he is about to begin high school and I have said moments and it freaks me out a little and then I continue on my way.. what stops me in my tracks is this.. she would be in kindergarten.. she would be turning 6 on Aug. 21.. When we buried her, she was my tiny sweet baby, not even 10 pounds.. and she would be 6.years.old.. On her 6 month birthday, she had just been diagnosed, but still seemingly healthy. We knew the prognosis was poor, so we decided to celebrate her six month (1/2) birthday.. I held her that day, celebrating with cupcakes, balloons and even gifts, I remember looking into her baby blues and thinking how sad it will be on her sixth birthday. I wondered how I would feel, would I still even be alive? Those months and the months following her death, I just knew that I could not survive losing her. I knew it was too much, that I loved her too much..I wondered if I were alive, what would I do on her birthdays.. so nearly 5 and 1/2 years later, she is turning 6. I am alive, I still feel as though I walk this Earth missing a piece of me.. Every day I pray for Cayden and Lily, I worry constantly about them..not just worry, but obsess.. I even feel like so much of Ella's last days were wasted by me worrying about things that were completely out of control.. I held her, held her hand, talked to her, all of the time panicking about how in the world am I going to find the strength to be without her, what if I die too..what will happen to Jay and Cayden? All of these things were out of my control, she was dying despite how much I wanted her to live.. so much is out of my control.. 

I often think of this quote..

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. 

~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

I want them to stay young, I want them to need me..I hate that they are just getting older, bigger, wiser...but its out of my control, I can't make them stay little..But Thank God for that too.. Thank God that Cayden was born healthy and is not effected by mitochondrial disease, despite the odds.. He gets to grow up...Thank God for burdening our hearts for the foster care system.. Lily was meant to be ours, while I was buried in my grief, she was being perfectly created in his hands.. I get the privilege of being her mom and watching her grow up..

and Thank God for the 8 months and 29 days that we had our own little piece of Heaven here with us.. I don't get to see her grow up and I hate that she is not here to start kindergarten, or to celebrate turning 6, but I got to celebrate 6 months, I got to see her smile, and I got to hear her laugh..and one day, I'll have her in my arms again.. Thank God for that..

hiatus...

I haven't even signed onto blogger in about 18 months.. I've been dealing with a bit of insomnia the past few weeks and got on a few nights ago and read my blog from beginning to 'end'.. As I was reading some of it, I felt like it was someone else's life that I was reading about.. then I got to the posts following her death and the pain jumped from the screen into deep within my heart..  Then the early days of falling so in love with Lily..it feels like she has always been mine. I can't and never want to imagine another day in this life without her.. So far, this life has been a journey..that's for sure.. The highs and lows and all of the in-between have made me who I am today.. I noticed a draft listed and opened it up.. it was from March 2011..nearly 2 years after she left.. 2 years later and still trying to figure out who I am without her..

You ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back from you? That cannot be me.. I am not just talking about the morning after a night out or after hitting the gym.. I am talking about the reflection looking like they have been through the valleys of hell and back. I feel like that sometimes.. I need to wake up.. this pain in my heart is here for the long haul..so what am I going to do about it? I need to refocus on finding me..the real me.. the one who does more than get by. The one who does more than put on a good show. I need to get back to me.. I just need to know where to start...

I suppose one is constantly in the process of finding themselves.. I've yet to meet anyone who isn't constantly changing into someone better, in some cases worse.. but always looking to find themselves in one way or another.. I was glad to read the past posts. I'm not sure why I quit blogging.. I suppose I felt like the same things were being said over and over.. I miss her, I am sad, etc etc.. I've always been a rather 'wordy' person.. so maybe it makes sense for me to blog.. even if no one reads it other than 'future me'.. that's why I began the blog in the first place...for me to document my life..anyway.. so maybe I'll start again.. I know blogging isn't 'the thing'.. but its a release..it gets it out of my head and into the universe. we'll see..

--Jen

time flies..

Time flies by.. Cayden will be 12 in a few weeks. Lily will be 2. How did this happen? Where did the time go? C grows more independant with each new day. He certainly doesn't need me like he use to.. I remember bringing him home.. so tiny, not even 6 lbs, and I wanted to put him in a bubble and not ever let anything harm or upset him.. Shortly after he turned 9, he suffered the worst loss, he watched his sister be lowered in the ground.. and just like that she was gone. The sister he prayed for, begged God to save her..so devestated. Several times he would ask 'Why didn't God answer our prayers?' I brought him home that day, and thought again of that bubble.. he cannot be hurt again.. I need to protect him and keep him happy.. I thought of huge life events that can make people either better for going through them, or the complete opposite and cause them to go down a road of destruction.How can anyone truly be better for this? But he is.. don't get me wrong. He has always been a great kid..but this has made him better.. I hate that he knows pain. I hate that he understands so clearly how life and death is simply, not in our hands. I hate that in an instant that he grew up..I hate that I haven't always been the mom that he deserves, for so long I lost myself in grief and sadness and just trying to get 'better'..but somehow, he has turned out to be the best young man I could imagine. He is so funny.. he makes me laugh all of the time. He is so good with Lily and so patient with her, that its almost painful to watch.. Its like she is made out of a precious stone and he cannot let her touch the ground. I can see the anxiety rise in his body as she jumps off of the ottoman to the sofa, or when she tries to jump on the bed. Even when she is just playing, he tries to get her to stop..'you're gonna get hurt' .. When she is sick, its impossible.. you can see in his eyes that he waits for the next shoe to drop.. We have to constantly remind him, that she is okay and not going anywhere..just because they get sick, does not mean they all die. Hopefully as they both get a little older, this lets up some.. I am always telling him to 'relax, let her be' .. but its not like I don't think the same things.. anytime either of them are sick, it makes me nervous.. because they are always fine, until they are not. With Cayden, I worry about mito, what if they are wrong? (completely irrational) and with Lily, I worry she will choke, have a head injury, have cancer, name it.. I have thought about it. Neurotic, maybe a tad.

A few weeks ago, we got a call from a DHS worker desperate for us to take a 6 month old little girl.. most likely will be up for adoption and we entertained it for a little bit.. I love babies, ADORE babies..I have everything I could possibly need from Ella and Lily.. but we said no.. Its not the right time for us to take another, and that is hard.. because I still have the 'need to save the world complex'.. but I knew in my heart that it was right to decline. Lily is so high maintenance and such a mommys girl.. plus as said in previous post, I just need to find some sort of self identity for myself.. so much has wiped who I was and left me blank.. I updated my facebook 'about me' section and I actually found it hard.. what do I enjoy to do? Who am I? I am wife, a mom with 33.3% of her children gone..I work at a job that I don't hate, but that I don't love.. I feel like maybe I am heading in the right direction..forward progress..a little at a time. I do  know that with a baby, I have much more anxiety and fear, I know that for right now, I need to work on making the best of this moment.. happy(ish) mommy, happy family?? something like that.. anyway, time flies and before I know it, Cayden will be going to college and out of the house.((ouch)). so now is the time to do right by him and LB..  so for now, just us.. with our 12 year old and 2 year old.. and of course our angel baby <3 Always <3

 Ella~ With each birthday your brother and sister celebrate, I am reminded that you are not here to blow out your candles.. Lily turned 1 and will now turn 2... so far from where you were when you left us.. I miss you more than words can even describe.. I love you and know you are with us always.. I feel you when I need you the most.. when they are blowing out candles..I start to feel sad and then suddenly.. my soul warms.. and thats all you precious baby..