when a baby dies..

I posted this video on facebook, and I know many have seen it already, but for those who haven't, I wanted to share. I get the question 'how are you doing?' alot lately, I guess May 19th is rapidly approaching and others can probably see the dread on my face. I think of her all of the time, I imagine doing the things we do with all 3 of my children.. I think of how big she would be and all of the things she should be doing. I still have occasional anger about her being 'taken'..who would ever guess that nearly 2 years later this grief would still be so heavy? At the beginning it was all consuming, after a year it was about 50 percent consuming...now I would say 25% consuming, don't get me wrong, she is in my thoughts 24/7, but the grief sneaks up on me. We had Lily's 1st birthday last week and when we were singing happy birthday to her, it took everything I had in me, not to bust into tears, or let any one see the pain..I am so thankful for the opportunity to love and raise a happy, healthy baby, but it is always underneath...Why didn't Ella get to have her 1st Birthday too? A very sweet family member told me she was curious if I was thinking about Ella at that time, and I was.. I was also told that when she mentioned it, they told her  'well they need to get over it'.. How does that happen? How do you get over losing your baby? All of the hopes, dreams and love for that baby? I know that unless you have lost a child, you don't 'get it' for the most part.. but a little bit of compassion goes a very long way. There is no time limit on grief. In a perfect world Ella would be 2 years and 9 months old, here with us..but she is not, she will never be able to do any of the things other children do.. As long as the world keeps turning, I will miss her and grieve for her. I hate that I feel the need to hide my grief because people thing the time to grieve is over..  Is my heart still beating? yes..it is..when this heart stops, that is when my grief will end..  well that turned into a rant, but here is the video  I wanted to share.. be sure to turn off the playlist below..

Q&A, and rides on a soapbox...

I just wrote this huge post. I honestly can't remember the last time I posted this much..so climb along and enjoy the ride~

thanks for the responses from our first getting to know you party :)  I have always been a little curious as to whom follows my blog.Its nice to know, and if you didn't get a chance and would like to, I would love to hear from you!I know it is sometimes a little crazy and all over the place, but thats me..if you know me..

I am so thankful for those that have followed for a while, and the new ones too, for praying for Ella and our family. This truly is a grief that is too big for us to handle alone..and thankfully for us, we have a God that carries us through the storm.I have said to a few people, how it seems as though, in the last few weeks, that I am coming out of a fog, or a dream even.. I think I entered this fog, this time last year, when it all became too real that we were going to lose her..The seizures started and she began to fade away..and my mind went into this self preservation mode..AKA.."the fog"..I have had too many moments to count where it lifted and it all was too much..I couldn't handle it..*back under I go** now though,  I feel as though the fog is lifting and I am okay. I miss her so much..but I can function without her.I am doing more than going through the motions.. I am aware, and it sucks..but I know she is healed, she is in Heaven, waiting on us.. She is securely wrapped in our saviors arms..no more seizures, no more sedation, feeding tubes..just peace..In Sunday school we are reading the book of Exodus..this week we talked about Moses, how he floundered at times and was not always confident in God..even though God told him that it would not be easy to free his people, but he would get him through.."I have remembered my covenant" God told Moses, in other words, I know what I said..I remember my word..and I, much like Moses, have thought and said..this is too hard, its too much, this grief..I just cannot handle it.. Moses led the children of Israel out Egypt..through the plagues, famine, and many other trials..It wasn't easy..but God provided him the way, the strength.. Just as he will and already has carried us this far..A year ago..I thought when she left, that I would end up in an institution and that I would die of a broken heart..the Bible tells me that is Psalm 55 :22 "Cast your burden on the LORD, and he shall sustain you: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." Every time I read this, I hear this voice saying "stick with me kid, I'll take care of you.." So does it hurt every day she is gone..yes..do I struggle daily just to put my feet on the floor and start a new day without her..yes.every.single.day. I am choosing to stick with him..he is the reason I can get up every day..that and the prayers of our friends and families.. God hears our prayers and is working on mending our broken hearts.. and we are so blessed.. 
*step off of soapbox.



now back to the planned post, and no more another soapbox..


Q&A's~

How did you and your hubby meet?
 We met at church when we were 14 or so..We started dating officially on my 16th birthday..Not many people can say they found the love of their life when they were so young.. I have been so blessed..we have had many tough times, but its so worth it..

Where's your fav vacation spot?
I would love to go on a light house tour of New England.. in the fall.. I've always thought it was so beautiful there.. I went to Puerto Rico on a missions trip when I was 18 or so and loved it..I would LOVE to take Jay there..Jay loves skiing in Colorado..myself, well I am just not coordinated enough..or brave enough to jump out of a perfectly nice lift-chair onto a mountain..


How did you pick Ella's name? 
 I wanted something timeless..I loved Ava for several years and that was the plan..one day Jay admitted he didn't love it..so we just shouted out random names, and I said "Isabella" and he looked at me and smiled and said "thats her name"  We agreed to call her Ella, and when she was born..I knew the first time I looked at her, that she is Ella..anything else would be ridiculous.. Also, Isabella we later found out means "Gods promise"..I love it..

How is your coping with grief different from Ella's daddy's way?
At first I was a wreck  honestly. I laid in bed pretty much the first month or two. From time to time I had to pretend I wasn't dying from the inside out..and it wore me out. I would come home and sleep as though it had been days..Jay unfortunately was the one to pick up my slack..he put me back together every time I would break..He cried for her..missed her as much as I did..but he put on the hat of the protector..he encouraged me and reminded me I had to care for Cayden..sadly, this was the case..I knew we still had to take care of Cayden, but I felt so guilty every time I looked in his eyes..like he wanted her so bad, and I could not do anything to save her..then it was opposite and I needed him with me all of the time. I hated for him to stay anywhere..worry was part of it..but I needed him with me, because I felt more sane if he was around..I am finally coming around..I kind of talked about it a little above, but its a journey..Jay has always had this faith..Yes he misses her, but she was really so bad the last month or so..it was not fair for me to want her to stay on this earth suffering..on oxygen, getting her belly tapped every few days, extremely sedated so she didn't seize..but I was selfish as a mother..I spoke before about praying for the Lord to take me home. I felt this when she first was diagnosed until about a month or so after she passed.  We knew she was not going to make it..I just needed her like I needed air..and it gets a little easier as the days go on..for months I did not believe this to be true..it felt like it was only worsening. Jay would seem okay, smile, laugh and I was so angry..how can you do this when our daughter is dead? I felt guilty as I eventually found myself smiling, laughing..but it is not God's plan for us to suffer..I prayed for Peace of heart, mind, soul, I prayed to let go of the anger at God, my family, Jays family..everyone..and he's granted it to me..I did not just wake up one day and forget the pain..it was little bits at a time..I always say Jay is stronger in his faith than I am.. this may or may not be true..but I am so glad he has clinged to the word, the promises of Heaven, and inspired me to not give up hope on that joy..He reminds me often of how blessed we are..for Cayden, our friends, our families, each other, and most importantly our salvation..that faith in knowing one day we will be reunited with Ella.. one day I will be made whole again..
*step off of soapbox again...