advice from a grieving parent..

I've read this little tidbit on several blogs and thought I would share..so many people often avoid me or just straight up ignore me because they don't know what to say, and I've been there, not knowing what to say, but PLEASE don't ignore me and please don't act as though she never existed..that kills me when people shutter at the sound of her name..I have to talk about her..I have to remember her and I need for those that care about us, to do the same...anyway..some of this applies to us and some doesnt.. we had her for almost 9 months.. she wasn't a stillborn or a miscarriage, but the rest is pretty spot on. . I may edit some in red of my personal thoughts or clarifications..

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. If Jay and I have another child naturally there is a 25% chance that it too will have the same thing..odds that may sound not so bad, but its a big decision for us for when we are ready and what approach we will do to increase our odds and have a healthy baby..

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. This is a biggy for me...

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. He may have been a stillborn, but he was Still Born. Again, she wasnt still born and so many people got to know and love her...even though she was an infant, I loved her as much as I have ever loved Cayden..

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. We had no idea we were carriers, I would have never tried for 4 years to have a baby with the 25% chance we would lose her, or have her suffer while she was here..

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-Do understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. this one is rough for me..if I am not invited I will feel somewhat left out because of what happened..I dunno..maybe invite and don't be upset if its too much on that day.. much of what I do is determined day to day, how I feel at that moment when I am meant to walk out of the door..

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" and "stillbirth" are small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

dummy guide to losing a child...

I've been thinking lately about that someone should write a book about how to lose a child..a dummy manual if you will.. I know there are a TON of books about loss, about the correct way to grieve about what to expect.. We knew we were going to lose her, I had no idea one little tiny human could tear me into a million pieces and at times seem un-repairable..we are almost 4 months out..and sometimes I am "fine" dare I even say good..but sometimes I just want answers..I want someone to tell my why, and someone to tell me that my crazy irrational thoughts are normal..some one needs to write a book that is NOT all rainbows and bubble gum.. a real book.. a book for REAL parents with REAL suffering..

maybe it should start like this...

after the loss of a child you may experience the following:

*sleepless nights staring at the ceiling and praying for the pain to ease
*stomach in constant state on twisting and turning..
*staring at children that are around your childs age... and not being able to look away..even though it kills you inside.. especially ones with little bows..
*numbness to everything.. not caring about things going on around you.. the need to stay in bed all day, even though all you do is think about her.. don't get up, because it will be real..
*weeping til you think your face is quite possibly going to just fall off and your heart is just barely able to keep up..not just crying, full on weeping..the same weeping and pain I felt on the day we lost her. Mr Webster defines to weep as 1 : to express deep sorrow for usually by shedding tears..I say Mr Webster never lost a child..its so much more..

maybe it should say something about the possible triggers of emotion that may follow the loss of a child,

*seeing and watching children their (should be) age
*children older &/or younger
*baby items @ the store
*Rainy days
*Sunny days
*birds, butterflies, flowers
*when people ask how I am doing
*when people don't, in fear that I will lose it..
*the sickening urge to buy her a little dress..even though you know she is gone..and so you talk yourself out of it, and feel like you have been defeated..

what may make you feel a little better about the defeat..

his word... his promises.. his love for us..

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

please....

PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me she's in a better place.
She isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had her for so many days, weeks, months.
What year, month or day would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear. I know this and believe this..its still hard.
PLEASE, just say you are sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my child's name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.