ramblings...

This week is spring break..last spring break Ella and I were in the hospital dealing with her seizures.. the seizures that stole my sweet smiley baby.. This spring break, we are cleaning, going to the zoo one day and going to see the new "Diary of a wimpy kid" movie on Friday (c's fav books!!) It is so bittersweet to be able to "enjoy" spring..last year she was so sick and fragile and now that we can get out and enjoy the weather, I lack the motivation to do so.. Every time I go anywhere I see little cute spring and Easter dresses.. last year we bought her 3 because they were all so stinking cute.. bleh...another holiday..

Group is going pretty well.. this past week we showed her video montage to the group, I haven't watched it since her funeral, and still haven't.. but I heard the song, I saw the video in my head and it was soo ridiculously hard.. I was so proud of Jay, he loved sharing her with the group, they all ooohhed and ahhhhed at her, and agreed that she was(is) gorgeous.. "her smile" "her eyes" make you melt, make you smile etc etc... yes I am aware..thank you.. (cry all the way home and tearful all night and all day the next day)

Revival was last week, we went every night except Thursday when we had group.. it was good.. I feel as though I am constantly waiting to "be moved" for something, anything to be said, to read, that makes me go "oh well it all makes sense now" Realistically though, I know I am never going to have that..but a girl can dream right??

Well this post is all over the place, but I am here...hanging in there.. thanks for checking in :)

out loud..

In less than 12 hours is our first therapy session, and quite frankly I feel sick about it.. I had the urge to cancel today.. I have to talk about her, about the disease, about her death, about cayden dealing.. and I can't stand the thought of talking about it out loud, at one time..the entire story, beginning to end..Yesterday I was talking with my friend over lunch about Ella and her room and "moving on" at first it was fine and then I felt it.. the pressure piercing my eyes..the huge punch to my chest that stops me from breathing.. I grabbed my phone, looking down quickly and abruptly ended the conversation..simply stated "I can't do it anymore" she nodded and quickly changed the subject..I am so thankful for friends that help me through this..but what about in the sessions..that is what I am there for..to work through this..to process this.. I can't just sit there and pretend its not killing me while discussing it, but who wants to bawl their freaking eyes out the entire time? I know I am going to have to discuss it all..out loud..and its giving me serious anxiety..For now, I am going to attempt to sleep and make it through the first session..we'll see..at least Jay will be there to help.. bleh..

made the step...

I called a local grief center and am going to go meet them on Wednesday with Jay. Thursday night there is an infant loss "process" group..Some time next week she will meet with Cayden and in April there is a kids process group, so he will be attending.. I am nervous and a tad anxious.. I am okay with casual discussion about Ella, but to talk about her illness and death out loud..man.. I don't know how that will go..but I made the first step..the hardest step..the step I have been putting off since she left us in May..

We flew to LA earlier this week and rode back to Tulsa with my friend Amanda..it was a long trip, very nice..lots of time to think and to talk through things..she is going to stay with us for a few weeks and in the meantime going to help me sort through some of Ella's things..breathe.. I need to do this. I need to let go of some of the pain in order to move on..ahh..moving on..and it kills me to think about "moving on" because it almost makes me feel as though she is less important or less grieved..but I need to be a better mom and wife and person.. I need to start crawling out of this sink hole and restart my life, my new life..my new life without her..I think now with a plan, a desire, maybe its possible..its certainly time..so I made the big step..hopefully the step towards joy again..