stealing babies...

I had a dream late last night that I saw a curly brown haired girl in a park playing and running and she ran to a woman that I did not recognize..I was walking a few steps behind them when they finally stopped at a table. I asked how old she was and she said "about 20 months.."I looked at the girl and she faced me..it was Ella..I grabbed her and said "this is my daughter, how did you get her?!" I briskly walked away trying to get the attention of my family and she was chasing me screaming that she was hers.. I finally got to Jay and he looked at her and then looked at me like I was crazy.."I found her" I exclaimed.. The lady said "No, this is my baby, yours died!" What? how would she know this? She was a complete stranger..Jay told me to give the lady back her baby and I wept "LOOK at her! Its her..ITS HER!" "no"..he said "Jen, its not" I looked down and the baby was snuggled around me, silent, peaceful.."look at her eyes, its her..." "No..its not, give the woman back her baby" I froze and couldn't move..just looking at her..and then I woke up..tears covered my pillow and my heart was beating so fast...I am not going to lie and say I had some bright enlightenment of what the dream could have possibly meant..I didn't..I laid there and cried myself back to sleep.. ugh..I miss her... I miss her big blue eyes..

and btw..I would never steal anyone's baby..be comforted preggie friends and family.. :)

10 years ago..

my heart felt joy like it had never felt before..I fell instantly in love and keep falling more in love every single day..





this post was made yesterday, but I could not get it to load on the new blogger editor..so I switched back and it worked..anyway, still feel the same a day after his birthday I guess, Right?

a world of pastel hell...

Am I being unreasonable to think that there should be a store with mens, womens, and jr boys clothes only..maybe some house ware stuff, but certainly not anything for baby girl-toddler girl.. No cutsie little Easter dresses with cute little hats or bows, and certainly no cute little pink shoes that would go perfectly with these great little pink lace leggings that I got from a craft show last year.. Or a segregated store for bereaved parents maybe? where you must walk through a separate door to enter little girl and another for little boy items..? that way its not in your face every time you turn around..and while we are doing that, how about commercials for 10$ kmart dresses, sears, kohls, anywhere like that.. maybe a block button on the remote? Thats not too much to ask for right? I know what you are thinking, its been almost a year..Get over feeling tearful over ridiculous things such as seeing little bows, hats, etc..here is the thing though..do I go the other way when I see these things? no..that would make sense..of course I walk to the items..touch them and imagine my girl wearing them.. Shake away the tears that are about to show themselves and walk away..

*sigh* I must go shop for our Easter clothes tomorrow..I have put it off for long enough.. I must dive head first into the world of pastels and cuteness.. a pastel hell if you will..either that or we could all wear something we have already..which for me is all black or all brown..and at hubbys request, I will buy something of color.. actually we have decided to wear pale pink and sport our green mito ribbons in honor of sweet girly..

Last Easter she was still with us..so frail and sick..she had a hard time being around lots of noise because the stimulation triggered her seizures which triggered aggravation, which triggered more sedatives.. This Easter she spends in Heaven.. so much better than last for her.. and as for me, I am going to remain positive, I will be thankful for the time I have with my family that is still here with us on Earth, I am going to smile and enjoy the holiday instead of sulk and feel sorry for myself that she is not here..(IE every holiday from May 09 til now)..Well that is my rant..If I don't post before then, I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend..