so close, but soo far...

Last week we picked up a new little girl, 5 months old and absolutely darling. Her parents had some past issues with child welfare, lost their rights to 3 children and apparently had her under an alias name so they wouldn't take her too. Well they were found out after they apparently tried to kill eachother during a huge 'domestic dispute.'  They of course showed up to court without a lawyer, so they go back in October to most likely have their rights terminated. We were told right off the bat that it was very likely she would be up for adoption, several different times actually..The family did not step up for the other 3, so it was assumed they would not for her.. So I did it, I let my gaurd down and absolutely fell in love..The worker called me after her parents court and told me it would be continued later, but that she had some news. My heart sank and I knew.. she said an aunt came to court and is requesting gaurdianship..they are doing a home inspection and background check and will get back to me. I know its wrong, but I am praying she is denied. For my sake sure, because she already acts like one of us, but more for her sake..for her well being.. I feel like once again we were so close, and now are so far again...I know we are not going to keep every single child, but I really had a strong attachment and feeling that she was the one. Sweet Pea is doing beautifully with her Nana, and I talk to them every few days and we are even keeping her when they attend resource classes. I am not so naive to think that every time a child moves on that such a relationship will exist with the new caretaker. I can extend my information and willingness to help, but they do not have to accept. So for now we wait..I feel absolutely helpless. I've cried and been angry and all sorts of different emotions. The grief is different but kind of the same too..I look at her and pray she is still with us tomorrow night, much like I did Ella for so many nights..so afraid to sleep and wake up to find her gone..different but kind of the same. .

I have also had some other things on my mind lately, weighing heavy. It seems sometimes as though this storm is never going to pass. I asked my mom the other day if she thought we just weren't meant to be happy!?  Seems like we are so close and it all falls away. I am really trying to know and trust that one day we will be blessed. We have no idea what's in store for us, but we are ready for something good for once.  Cayden unfortunately is old enough now that it is sometimes hard to hide whats going on, he over hears conversation and will always put in his 2 cents. He is so very smart and very intuitive.. The other day when I picked him up after the worker called, he asked why I was crying. I told him I hadn't been (in an hour or so at least) and he simply stated "I don't know why you don't just tell me why" umm..when did you turn into an adult?? I just told him that I had a moment and was better now that I prayed for peace..'oh, about Ella then' and that was the end..yes, I guess in a way its about her..Its always about her..in some way, shape or form.. We've not told him about the baby possibly leaving yet, we don't want him to worry about it if it doesn't happen. He loves her already, he knows we can't keep all of them too, but he sure would like to.. ((sigh)) so would I...
   anyhow, sorry to be absent so long and then come back with a big ol' whine fest.. I promise to work on a positive and upbeat post very soon.. and to catch up on my blog reading/stalking, seems as though my pc is somewhat working again..**cross my fingers and toes!**

here is a little sneak peak of sweet girl, I have so many good pics I wish I could share.. maybe one day..((praying))

Happy Birthday sweet girl...

Sweet Ella,
We all miss you so much, I can't believe that you are gone..it seems like I'll wake up and find this is a horrible dream..this life without you.. I do know one day we will see each other again in Heaven..Love you so much!Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven! I hope you are being spoiled and given a very special day <3

Insert clever title here...

Sometimes when I talk about Ella, I feel like people are thinking 'get over it, move on, let it go'...No one has actually said anything to my face, but sometimes reactions make me think this is what they aren't saying. 15 months today since she left. 1 year and 3 months. What is the adequate amount of time to mourn your child? Is there a rule of thumb, 1 year of life = 1 year of grief? If you are reading this and have not lost a child, how long would you miss them? And since I am getting things off my chest, isn't it funny how people that LOVED her the most, are the ones to never speak her name? why? to make us feel guilty because we bring them down? Oh excuse me, don't let me get in the way of your life...They are not the ones who wake each day and walk by the empty room, they are not the ones that wake in the middle of the night, because you are sure her feeding pump was going off, 15 months later..They are not the ones that dream of her being here and wake up to her being gone. dying all over again.. Most of the time we do okay, we know our princess is in Heaven, we have absolute faith that we will see her again. But no new baby will ever replace her, no foster or adoption..We have loved having the ones we have had, but they are not her. That ache is still there..when sweet pea would cry in the middle of the night, that sweet little cry, I would stumble in there half asleep, expecting Ella..crazy..she wouldn't be 6 months old, but the grieving mind/soul is a funny thing.. Don't assume just because its 1 year and 3 months later, that its okay to forget that she existed, pretend she didn't make an imprint on this Earth.. Sometimes people say 'I just don't know what to say' well..I don't really know, but I do know that saying nothing at all, absolutely makes it seem as if you don't care at all.. I don't always feel like talking about her in depth, but when people say "I've been thinking about her" or "I stopped by the cemetery, I lit a candle, sent up a balloon" anything like that seems so small, but it means the world to Jay and I..
It seems like sending sweet pea back last week made me miss Ella more and more, or maybe its her birthday this week, maybe a combination. I don't know..I do know this week has been hard. I've been searching for distractions, slept all day yesterday pretty much, and I'm not real certain I will be loads of fun on Saturday. Last Birthday, I think we were still in shock, or they honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. But this one, its just plain hard. I'm just ready for this week to be over.