remembering today and always...

where ever you may be @ 7pm your time, I ask that you light a candle for Ella and all of those taken too soon.. if you can, take a pic, tag me on fb, email or txt me the pic, we'd love to see the night glow for our sweet babies..



Baby girl,
I can't believe its been almost 18 months since I've held you, it seems like it was just yesterday. The news guy came out and talked to me today about you, he asked me my favorite memory of you, My favorite memory is my saddest memory too, it was while we were at the ER and you were seizing and I couldn't get you to stop, so I held you close to me and you reached up and played with my hair and smiling, your tiny body was causing such a mess, but your sweet spirit was so much stronger.. I of course would have been a blubbering mess trying to explain this moment, so I simply said , Her smile and her laugh...
You and I have something special princess, and I can't wait to feel that again one day..love and miss you more than any words could ever express...xo~ mommy

zofran...or was it crack??

This week has been rough, like real rough. The baby started sleeping alot Saturday, I even said to my mom 'I hope she is not coming down with something' ..Saturday night, she vomited, had very watery diapers and was dry heaving.. Sunday she slept all day again, not eating anything to speak of, and woke up Sunday night/monday morning from 3-6:30am wanting to play and watch yo gabba gabba..I didn't feel great but figured I was just tired from our middle of the nights playfest. Monday day, she was still not eating, vomited a few times, so I took her in and she was diagnosed with the flu. She was the first confirmed case at the clinic and the youngest case the doctor has ever seen. Awesome. I love breaking records. Monday night, she is up every 2 hours or so, miserable, tired, hungry, snotty.name it, she experienced it..I got up Tuesday and had it all..my head was throbbing, my stomach was in knots, I was sick.. My mom kept the baby and Cayden Tuesday and I was banished to my room. When Jay came home, he brought me 7up and some egg drop soup..(boy do I love him!) He then instructed me to go back to bed and not to be around him because he didn't want it..(ahhh kindness <3 lol).. I don't blame him, I don't want him to get it either..its not that all men are babies when they are sick, ..actually...well.. yeah... that is it..nevermind..

I sleep pretty much all day between puking my guts out and freeeeezing my rear off.. Last night I took some zofran and went to sleep ((after the finale of teen mom of course, thats another post)) this is where I begin to think I took crack instead of zofran. I woke up with crazy dreams, CRAZY.. my first dream I took a pregnancy test, and it kept flashing in neon 'pregnant' and 'not pregnant' like one of those sleezy 'girls girls girls' signs..and in my head "I thought I must be pregnant with a sick baby"..what?! because that makes sense. So I wake up, (not pregnant btw) and back to sleep I go. We are on some sort of commune/camp/ M. Night 'The village' type place and there is a mountain with a path on top of it with caves in it. Apparently my commune is about to be attacked and we must scatter, I tell all the children and women with babies to go hide on the back of the mountain, behind the trees onto the clearing (which is exactly like the Twilight clearing) and I stay down and help hide people and lock doors, etc. I head up the mountain with Jay and we get to the clearing where some EWOK/Minnonite/monk people come out of the woods proclaiming they were sent from God and will protect the mountain, but all that are in our village will face certain death, but because they are saved and protecting their land and families that they will for certain go to Heaven, so don't feel bad for them..So I can see the enemy getting closer and I start to run towards the village down the path, Jay and a couple of EWOK/Minnonite/monks chase me about half way and tell me I must be ON TOP of the mountain for protection.. I exclaim how I don't want the protection, I want to be in the village, so I can go to Heaven, and they are pulling me to the top and I am screaming "I want my baby! I need to see her! I need to hold her!! I NEED MY BABY!!!!" and I wake up this mornig with tears in my eyes and thinking next time I will stick with the pepto, because apparently zofran messes with my head...oh and I watch too much TV..star wars meets Twilight meets the village, yep only in my head...

tears of sadness, tears of joy...

I had a dream of Ella, actually 2 of them this morning..The first was healthy 2 year old Ella at some sort of family gathering, running, playing and being perfect..the first dream kind of evolved into the 2nd..Same family gathering, kids running and screaming, people laughing, change of Ella, I was sitting on the stairs holding her in my lap, 2 years old and sickly.. someone walked by and asked if we were okay and I said yes, and I must have dozed off, because I dreamt she were healthy..I looked down and her tiny frail face and told her I was still so thankful to have her with me, even if she couldn't do all of the things the other children were, and she smiled... and I honestly woke up half expecting her to be here..tears filled my eyes before I could even open them, my heart was heavy and I was again short of breath from the shock that she is gone..Its been a little 13.5 months and still seems so fresh at times..

This is a day where I would have called it a loss. Jay was gone, Cayden gone..just me..in the quite again.. I can't handle days that start off with such heart ache. I laid in bed for a few minutes.. listening to the fan and I took in a deep breath of the morning air..cool autumn air to be exact..I then heard over the monitor 'dadadadadadada..ahhhhhhh..dadadada' yep..she's awake and ready to get the day started. It is not an option to lie in bed all day.I got up, wiped my face and walked into a nursery where there was a baby, a precious baby smiling at me and let out a squeel that would wake up the neighbors..once again I began to cry, but good tears this time.. At that moment, everything was re-affirmed. We will never have Ella back while on this Earth, but we are still needed and wanted, by Cayden and by this sweet darling and adorable baby.. I love that we are helping her, and I am delighted at the joy she has brought and blessing that she has been to help mend our broken hearts.. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and he will bring us Joy when we need it the most, in our darkest hours, and this morning, that joy was in the form of a 6 month old brown haired baby girl.. how I adore her...