Happy Birthday sweet girl...

Sweet Ella,
We all miss you so much, I can't believe that you are gone..it seems like I'll wake up and find this is a horrible dream..this life without you.. I do know one day we will see each other again in Heaven..Love you so much!Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven! I hope you are being spoiled and given a very special day <3

Insert clever title here...

Sometimes when I talk about Ella, I feel like people are thinking 'get over it, move on, let it go'...No one has actually said anything to my face, but sometimes reactions make me think this is what they aren't saying. 15 months today since she left. 1 year and 3 months. What is the adequate amount of time to mourn your child? Is there a rule of thumb, 1 year of life = 1 year of grief? If you are reading this and have not lost a child, how long would you miss them? And since I am getting things off my chest, isn't it funny how people that LOVED her the most, are the ones to never speak her name? why? to make us feel guilty because we bring them down? Oh excuse me, don't let me get in the way of your life...They are not the ones who wake each day and walk by the empty room, they are not the ones that wake in the middle of the night, because you are sure her feeding pump was going off, 15 months later..They are not the ones that dream of her being here and wake up to her being gone. dying all over again.. Most of the time we do okay, we know our princess is in Heaven, we have absolute faith that we will see her again. But no new baby will ever replace her, no foster or adoption..We have loved having the ones we have had, but they are not her. That ache is still there..when sweet pea would cry in the middle of the night, that sweet little cry, I would stumble in there half asleep, expecting Ella..crazy..she wouldn't be 6 months old, but the grieving mind/soul is a funny thing.. Don't assume just because its 1 year and 3 months later, that its okay to forget that she existed, pretend she didn't make an imprint on this Earth.. Sometimes people say 'I just don't know what to say' well..I don't really know, but I do know that saying nothing at all, absolutely makes it seem as if you don't care at all.. I don't always feel like talking about her in depth, but when people say "I've been thinking about her" or "I stopped by the cemetery, I lit a candle, sent up a balloon" anything like that seems so small, but it means the world to Jay and I..
It seems like sending sweet pea back last week made me miss Ella more and more, or maybe its her birthday this week, maybe a combination. I don't know..I do know this week has been hard. I've been searching for distractions, slept all day yesterday pretty much, and I'm not real certain I will be loads of fun on Saturday. Last Birthday, I think we were still in shock, or they honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. But this one, its just plain hard. I'm just ready for this week to be over.

Now, I know...

I knew we wanted you before you were born.
I knew you would be loved to heaven and back, no matter what.
I knew you would melt your daddys heart the minute you two met eyes.
I knew we would be attached at the soul from the second I first heard your heart beat,
you were mine and I was yours forever.
I knew you were the most beautiful little girl from the second we laid eyes on your perfect face.
I knew that the sound of your soft voice was music to my ears, I'd listen to you jabber and couldn't help by gleam with joy.
I knew your soft skin needed to be shaded, gaurded and protected, and I knew it was our job to protect it from harm.
I knew your sweet eyes always looked as though they were holding a secret..
I knew I would hold you for hours on end and not even think about anything else..
I knew you were sent straight from Heaven and the answer to our prayers.

I did not know that you were going to only be staying for 8 months and 29 days, this must have been the secret you could not share.
I did not know that it was possible to feel so much pain for another person.
I did not know what it truly was to be rendered completely helpless.
I did not know your voice would one day be silent, and we would do anything for just another rambling.
I did not know that you would fade before our very eyes.
I did  not know that someone so little could fight so hard.
I did not know that that we had you sweet girl, only to say good bye.
I did not know it would still hurt this bad 15 months after losing you.
I certainly did not know that you wouldn't be here to celebrate your 2nd birthday..

Now, I know...