just because I feel like blogging..

Every parent has these feelings about how time is fleeting with their children..you know, the 'When did they get so big?!' moments..  Probably especially around the time school starts or around Birthdays and such.. I think for those that have lost children get a double dose.. I look at Lily starting Pre-k and at Cayden as he is about to begin high school and I have said moments and it freaks me out a little and then I continue on my way.. what stops me in my tracks is this.. she would be in kindergarten.. she would be turning 6 on Aug. 21.. When we buried her, she was my tiny sweet baby, not even 10 pounds.. and she would be 6.years.old.. On her 6 month birthday, she had just been diagnosed, but still seemingly healthy. We knew the prognosis was poor, so we decided to celebrate her six month (1/2) birthday.. I held her that day, celebrating with cupcakes, balloons and even gifts, I remember looking into her baby blues and thinking how sad it will be on her sixth birthday. I wondered how I would feel, would I still even be alive? Those months and the months following her death, I just knew that I could not survive losing her. I knew it was too much, that I loved her too much..I wondered if I were alive, what would I do on her birthdays.. so nearly 5 and 1/2 years later, she is turning 6. I am alive, I still feel as though I walk this Earth missing a piece of me.. Every day I pray for Cayden and Lily, I worry constantly about them..not just worry, but obsess.. I even feel like so much of Ella's last days were wasted by me worrying about things that were completely out of control.. I held her, held her hand, talked to her, all of the time panicking about how in the world am I going to find the strength to be without her, what if I die too..what will happen to Jay and Cayden? All of these things were out of my control, she was dying despite how much I wanted her to live.. so much is out of my control.. 

I often think of this quote..

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. 

~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

I want them to stay young, I want them to need me..I hate that they are just getting older, bigger, wiser...but its out of my control, I can't make them stay little..But Thank God for that too.. Thank God that Cayden was born healthy and is not effected by mitochondrial disease, despite the odds.. He gets to grow up...Thank God for burdening our hearts for the foster care system.. Lily was meant to be ours, while I was buried in my grief, she was being perfectly created in his hands.. I get the privilege of being her mom and watching her grow up..

and Thank God for the 8 months and 29 days that we had our own little piece of Heaven here with us.. I don't get to see her grow up and I hate that she is not here to start kindergarten, or to celebrate turning 6, but I got to celebrate 6 months, I got to see her smile, and I got to hear her laugh..and one day, I'll have her in my arms again.. Thank God for that..

hiatus...

I haven't even signed onto blogger in about 18 months.. I've been dealing with a bit of insomnia the past few weeks and got on a few nights ago and read my blog from beginning to 'end'.. As I was reading some of it, I felt like it was someone else's life that I was reading about.. then I got to the posts following her death and the pain jumped from the screen into deep within my heart..  Then the early days of falling so in love with Lily..it feels like she has always been mine. I can't and never want to imagine another day in this life without her.. So far, this life has been a journey..that's for sure.. The highs and lows and all of the in-between have made me who I am today.. I noticed a draft listed and opened it up.. it was from March 2011..nearly 2 years after she left.. 2 years later and still trying to figure out who I am without her..

You ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back from you? That cannot be me.. I am not just talking about the morning after a night out or after hitting the gym.. I am talking about the reflection looking like they have been through the valleys of hell and back. I feel like that sometimes.. I need to wake up.. this pain in my heart is here for the long haul..so what am I going to do about it? I need to refocus on finding me..the real me.. the one who does more than get by. The one who does more than put on a good show. I need to get back to me.. I just need to know where to start...

I suppose one is constantly in the process of finding themselves.. I've yet to meet anyone who isn't constantly changing into someone better, in some cases worse.. but always looking to find themselves in one way or another.. I was glad to read the past posts. I'm not sure why I quit blogging.. I suppose I felt like the same things were being said over and over.. I miss her, I am sad, etc etc.. I've always been a rather 'wordy' person.. so maybe it makes sense for me to blog.. even if no one reads it other than 'future me'.. that's why I began the blog in the first place...for me to document my life..anyway.. so maybe I'll start again.. I know blogging isn't 'the thing'.. but its a release..it gets it out of my head and into the universe. we'll see..

--Jen

time flies..

Time flies by.. Cayden will be 12 in a few weeks. Lily will be 2. How did this happen? Where did the time go? C grows more independant with each new day. He certainly doesn't need me like he use to.. I remember bringing him home.. so tiny, not even 6 lbs, and I wanted to put him in a bubble and not ever let anything harm or upset him.. Shortly after he turned 9, he suffered the worst loss, he watched his sister be lowered in the ground.. and just like that she was gone. The sister he prayed for, begged God to save her..so devestated. Several times he would ask 'Why didn't God answer our prayers?' I brought him home that day, and thought again of that bubble.. he cannot be hurt again.. I need to protect him and keep him happy.. I thought of huge life events that can make people either better for going through them, or the complete opposite and cause them to go down a road of destruction.How can anyone truly be better for this? But he is.. don't get me wrong. He has always been a great kid..but this has made him better.. I hate that he knows pain. I hate that he understands so clearly how life and death is simply, not in our hands. I hate that in an instant that he grew up..I hate that I haven't always been the mom that he deserves, for so long I lost myself in grief and sadness and just trying to get 'better'..but somehow, he has turned out to be the best young man I could imagine. He is so funny.. he makes me laugh all of the time. He is so good with Lily and so patient with her, that its almost painful to watch.. Its like she is made out of a precious stone and he cannot let her touch the ground. I can see the anxiety rise in his body as she jumps off of the ottoman to the sofa, or when she tries to jump on the bed. Even when she is just playing, he tries to get her to stop..'you're gonna get hurt' .. When she is sick, its impossible.. you can see in his eyes that he waits for the next shoe to drop.. We have to constantly remind him, that she is okay and not going anywhere..just because they get sick, does not mean they all die. Hopefully as they both get a little older, this lets up some.. I am always telling him to 'relax, let her be' .. but its not like I don't think the same things.. anytime either of them are sick, it makes me nervous.. because they are always fine, until they are not. With Cayden, I worry about mito, what if they are wrong? (completely irrational) and with Lily, I worry she will choke, have a head injury, have cancer, name it.. I have thought about it. Neurotic, maybe a tad.

A few weeks ago, we got a call from a DHS worker desperate for us to take a 6 month old little girl.. most likely will be up for adoption and we entertained it for a little bit.. I love babies, ADORE babies..I have everything I could possibly need from Ella and Lily.. but we said no.. Its not the right time for us to take another, and that is hard.. because I still have the 'need to save the world complex'.. but I knew in my heart that it was right to decline. Lily is so high maintenance and such a mommys girl.. plus as said in previous post, I just need to find some sort of self identity for myself.. so much has wiped who I was and left me blank.. I updated my facebook 'about me' section and I actually found it hard.. what do I enjoy to do? Who am I? I am wife, a mom with 33.3% of her children gone..I work at a job that I don't hate, but that I don't love.. I feel like maybe I am heading in the right direction..forward progress..a little at a time. I do  know that with a baby, I have much more anxiety and fear, I know that for right now, I need to work on making the best of this moment.. happy(ish) mommy, happy family?? something like that.. anyway, time flies and before I know it, Cayden will be going to college and out of the house.((ouch)). so now is the time to do right by him and LB..  so for now, just us.. with our 12 year old and 2 year old.. and of course our angel baby <3 Always <3

 Ella~ With each birthday your brother and sister celebrate, I am reminded that you are not here to blow out your candles.. Lily turned 1 and will now turn 2... so far from where you were when you left us.. I miss you more than words can even describe.. I love you and know you are with us always.. I feel you when I need you the most.. when they are blowing out candles..I start to feel sad and then suddenly.. my soul warms.. and thats all you precious baby..

no clever title..

March is hard.. I cannot believe its already March.. then comes April and then May comes to torture me once again. How the hell has it been three years already... May 19th.. Three effing years.. I can't wrap my head around it.. Its a punch in the gut when I hear that your 'friends' are being signed up for the pre-k programs and dance and all of the other fun things you should be doing.. It pisses me off that I still miss you so much, and not a damn thing can be done about it.. Sit in it and wallow.. pretend it doesn't hurt.. Pretend because obviously too much time has passed for me to talk about you openly. Its way too sad.. It pisses me off that you died..that you didn't even have a chance.. You had no chance..why didn't I know..why did I let them poke and prod you so much? It didn't save you, did it? It broke both of our hearts.. Drawing your blood all of the time didn't do much..having the feeding tube didn't do much either.. you still died.. I was told we had 6 weeks and you made it 2... you are still gone and I am still pissed.

Why hasn't there been some great revelation to me regarding 'why'..why aren't you here with me??Why am I not a better person because of it? What was gained by you dying? Lily looks at your picture all of the time and will say baby sissy or baby ella..it pisses me off that she will never know you.. you will never know her.. you both are little diva's.. you would have given us a run for our money together.. your poor brother would be at both of your mercy.. He still sleeps on your pillow, its beautiful and so sad at the same time.. almost 3 years later and I am still struggling to get back to me.. I need to get back there somehow..even with losing you.. I just need to feel more...normal?  more like I use to.. I don't know.. I just know that I need to feel more...something..I seriously can't believe this is still my life.. with all that I have, I still feel incomplete.. and quite frankly..that pisses me off..

I am sorry baby that I am not better for this, I am sorry that I am still so angry, that I am not doing something worth while in honor of you.. I am sorry that I let you die.. maybe I should have fought just a little harder..

happy happy happy day..

As I am sitting on my bed attempting to work, I hear playing in the hallway and the sweetest little voice repeating 'happy.. happy.. happy daaaay!' Today however is no different than any other day. Christmas is over, the tree is back in the attic, its just another normal day..I love that the simple things bring her joy.

I am not sure if I ever blogged about this or not, but about a month after Lily was placed with us, we got a call for a 21 month old little girl that was most likely going to be up for adoption soon. I spoke with Jay and we agreed to try. I picked her up at the shelter and she was bruised and sad looking and latched to my leg and wanted me to hold her instantly. I was signing the placement papers and a supervisor brought a bottle of prescription pain reliever over and when I asked what it was for, she simply said 'I think she has a cough'.. I have been in the medical field for 10+ years and know this is not for cough and when I told them that I was ceertain it was for pain, she acted like I was out of line for asking. I shook it off and took her with us. My MIL had went with me, we dropped LB off with my mom so we could go get a few things for her. As the day went on it was more and more aparent that this little girl had been through something horrible. I got home with both of the girls and I hear LB screaming, I walked in and the little girl had thrown her cup at her and was trying to get her to stop crying by putting her hand on Lilys face and screaming. I knew what I had to do, and it broke my heart, but in the pit of my stomach I knew this was not a match for our family. I called the worker and she begged me to keep her over the weekend. I told her what had happened and she told me to take her back to the shelter. When I got back, another worker met me and told me the girls history and to say I was baffled is to put it lightly. this.poor.poor. baby girl...my heart broke into pieces for her. I spoke with the worker and told her that in my opinion she really needs to be placed in a place where she is the youngest if not only small child.. She agreed and seemed confused on why I was not told the circumstances up front..which I would certainly like to know also.

So here we are a year + later and Lily is the girls age. I can't imagine throwing her into the system and expecting her to just adapt to the constant change, and she has had a good life, a happy happy girl, but I know even for a happy go lucky girl, that it would be difficult. This other little girl though, had been through hell, literally, and just needed a family of her own, someone to shape her and to mold her into the person she could be. Lately I have been feeling guilty, but I have to trust that she went to someone that could help her and dedicate the time and attention to her that she needed.

This little girl is the reason we chose to adopt through the state versus adopting through an agency. The kids no body wanted, the damaged kids. We were blessed with Lily, things were hard at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We could have submitted a life book and came home with a neat little perfect newborn, but we knew that was not what we were meant to do. We could have skipped the grueling visitations, the not knowing of what's next with her, but we knew there was something different in store for us.

This holiday season I kept thinking about the kids left celebrating in the shelters across the world. I thought about this other little girl, she is 3 now, does she have a family? Did she get to open presents with a mom and dad? I thought about LB, what if things hadn't worked out like they did, what if we had kept little man or sweet pea for another month, where would she be? would she be in the shelter? I will not ever know the answer to any of these questions, but I am thankful that this is the road that was chosen for us.

The training isn't bad, you don't have to own a big house, have tons of money, have perfect credit, its really pretty simple.We were told that we would never get a baby, do you know how many calls I have had for babies? I was expecting to wait forever, and it wasn't long at all until our phone was ringing. I was told it may be a while before we get one to adopt, if things had ran smoothly and our first adoption worker was capable, we could have finalized our adoption in 6 months after her placement.  I know this road is not for everyone, and all of them are not the same.. but if you are thinking about it, or have ever thought about it, let me know, reach out.. because the pain, the confusion, the hassle of visitations, court days, monthly visits.. its worth it..every time I see this girl smile and every time I her sing  happy happy day, I know it was all worth it..so worth it in fact that we are keeping our hearts open, and praying that God would let us know when/if we need to open our doors again..

red coat...

I am not sure if you will remember this post from last year, but if you do, you will understand the importance of this picture..

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try it on her.. I've been staring at it in the closet for three years now.. I put it on and she looked down and said "oh cute!" .. I sat in the floor of her room watching her examine it and fought back tears.. for so long I secretly worried that God did not hear my prayers. I figured maybe I had held so much anger in after Ella that he just quit listening to me.. put me on mute or something..I thought of those long nights I spent rocking her praying for him to let me keep her, begging, bargaining..much the same as I did with Ella in those final weeks.. I thought about all of the pain I carry with me constantly and she will make me smile,  just like that.. her and cayden will dance and beat box together and it kills me that Ella is missing, but to see him smile and laugh with her, and the way he loves her, I know God listens and he has exceeded all of our expectations, and shame on me for doubting that.. Seeing Lily in Ella's coat comforts me, I could not save Ella, but instead we got to make this sweet girls life all that she deserves.. I don't believe anyone ever comes full circle after a loss of a child, I have accepted that until Heaven, that I'll be incomplete..Sometimes though, when I least expect it I feel a comfort or peace cover me, and as I sat in her room that evening, it happened, It was a quiet whisper "I'm here"   Thank God for never giving up on us, even when we give up on him..

another Christmas without her..

It was drizzling and cold and almost dark, but I finally did it. I went and decorated her grave for Christmas.. I don't get joy from it, it doesn't make me feel better to do it. To be perfectly honest, I dread doing it.. I know how it is going to make me feel, I know the rush of heartache and sadness that is going to cover me..I use to get comfort from visiting her little place, not so much any more. I know she is not there.. I change the fall flowers and decor and put down the Christmas tree and a little light I bought for her.. I thought of how she would have loved the holidays this year. She would be 3, old enough to know what she wanted, old enough to tell Santa what she wanted, old enough to really get into the elf on the shelf tradition.. old enough to help make cookies for Santa.. I thought about the Christmas we did have her. Jay wanted to buy her everything he saw..even though she was only 4 months old..toys that were way above her age limit, but she would use them earlier than the recommended age, because after all, she was dang near a genious already.. Never in a million years did I fathom the idea that next Christmas she wouldn't be here.. the next Christmas I was a mess, I couldn't speak her name without the tears..This Christmas is our 3rd without her.. I should be use to it by now right? move along, make Christmas great for Cayden and LB, and I am trying, but it is impossible to not think about who's missing.. she should be shaking her presents, trying to guess what she got.. but she is not.. she hasn't been for quite some time now.. and that burns. One Chrismas with her is not enough, it should have been so many more. When I am old and gray I know I will still be imagining her there.. with a family of her own, grown up and beautiful and successful and happy.. I'll miss her then, as much as I miss her now, and as much as I did when she left us 2.5 years ago..

I guess for now, until we have a Christmas with her again, I need to be grateful for the 1 we had her, and for the many we've had and will have with our kiddo's that are still with us. I need to remember that next Christmas may not come, and treat it and every day like it could be our last with the ones we love the most..

sweet baby,
I am so jealous that you get to spend another Christmas in Heaven. I still miss you so much and think about you all of the time. You were our little miracle and I will always treasure every single second that you allowed me to be your mommy. I miss your smile, I miss your sweet little voice, and miss your angel soft skin. I know you are being a good girl so I don't have to tell you that, but please know my precious girl, that as each day passes, thats another day closer to being back with you..Have a Merry Christmas Angel..

love you to the moon and back!
Mommy



guess what happened today....

A very special girl became ours, as in really ours..100% for real. My darling best friend Mandi came and took pics of it all.. It was so surreal and so everything I had hoped... as the lawyer was leaving she said 'we'll see ya next go-round'  haha... maybe so.. we'll play that by ear!

anyway,Adoption pics to follow soon :)

This is Lily the day after we got her, I still can't believe she is ours :*) 

I honestly remember thinking how we would all be sad forever. Even Cayden, he wanted a sibling so bad, just to have his die..it was hard to see him so upset..I feel such relief for all of us, but especially for him.. they are such a great pair.. I love them both so much... I can't imagine my life without these 2 crazy kiddos..

awareness...

This week is mito awareness week. This week 4 more children died of mito.. young children. I did not 'know' any of them personally, but my heart is breaking for thier families..

there was a poem was shared on a fb page that I am part of, and it really as if I could have written it.. And I know I am not the only one who feels this when reading.. We have so much to be thankful for and am happy where we are in our lives right now.. but with each bit of joy, its accompanied by a bit of sadness too...3 years ago, I had no idea that this disease existed, or how common it is.. we must get the word out, let people know that more and more are being diagnosed with this daily. feel free to visit the UMDF for more information and ways to help. We also have a Ella's research fund if you wish to donate..

anyway, here is the poem..

 Normal

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone
important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

... Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays
Christmas,New Years, Valentine's Day,and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a
funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your
heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and
screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's
go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding
your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise,
because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every child who looks like he is my child's age. And then
thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then
wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness
lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday,
commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful
it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your
child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the
balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my
child loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but
we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets
worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss,
unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the
remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent
is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental
health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as
cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken
with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying
together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this
because..." I love God, I know that my child is in heaven, but hearing people
trying to think up excuses as to why healthy children were taken from this earth
is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did
laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three
children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not
worth explaining that my child is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two
children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your
child.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small,
happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking
if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for
you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".†



3

She would be 3 years old now.

She would be a big girl.

She would go to preschool with Nana.

She would be talking so clearly.

She would have had her birthday party somewhere fun, because this year, she would know what it was all about..

Instead she is still 8 months and 29 days and we remembered her short life at the cemetery.

2 years and 3 months later, it still sucks.

progress..or at least a little..

So since the bio parents had PTR removed several months ago, I have been calling, emailing, calling again in attempt to get in touch with our adoption worker to get things moving. The only reason I even knew her name was because it was on the paperwork she sent and we filled out and sent back the same week. This week I was working and a strange number appeared on my phone, I ignored since I was busy and later listened to the VM and it was our new adoption worker. He got our case this week and called to schedule a visit for this next week to get the ball going. He said he was assigned 14 cases total from this lady and nothing had been done with any of them.. SO FINALLY some progress towards the finalization!! I was told there was nothing wrong, but I couldn't help but think there was something going on, why else wouldnt she call me back? so yeah.... I feel way better now!

The new job is going well. I really like it.. There is a ton of new information, new people, new computer systems.. and by Friday pm I felt like my brain was mush.. but once I am in rhythm with everyone/everything, I think it will be great. The physicians I work with really care about their patients and are so devoted to raising funds towards finding a cure. It is very inspiring. It also makes me a teeny tiny tad bit envious, because I wish there were as many that were so dedicated physicians working to find a cure for mitochondrial disease.. but I know great strides are being made in finding a cure for both childhood cancer as well as mito and that makes my heart happy.. both are so devestating and I just wish tomorrow we would wake up and all of these illnesses that rob us of our children and that rob our children of their childhoods were just gone... but for now, we just look forward and know that one day all of this will be no more.. no hurt or sickness.. what a day that will be :)

well LM is being entirely too quiet so I better see what she is into.. see you all soon :)

still here!

We are still here. I have been training for the new job this week.. I do think it will take a while for us to get into a good routine and flow of it all.. I love when I pick LM up from  my moms she dances and jumps and says 'yeah yeah yeah!"  :) she is so cute,  I love it..

Her sw came last week and said adoptions are just behind, and we should finalize by september.. ((it was June at one point)) so we will just wait. All is done and approved, just need to finalize with the court date.. In the mean time we have to recertify our foster care expections..so much to get done.. hope all is well with all of my bloggy buddies. I haven't really had time to read any blogs, but maybe just maybe this weekend, I will have some down time!!

I've lost my muchness..

10 days will be 2 years without my sweet princess.. I have been thinking about her all of the time..not that I don't always, but I have REALLY been thinking about her..who she would be, what her voice would sound like putting sentences together.. 2 years... and some days I am still having to remind myself to breathe.. We put tubs of things in the attic, they had been in the garage..one step further from being out of sight.. I've been thinking about Heaven, about how selfish I am for wanting her back here.. she is in perfect peace and perfect love, and I want her back here...I want to chase her around when I am chasing Lily.. I want to hear them laugh together, I want to hear C yell for me to come and get them..instead he lets L grab everything she wants because he realizes what a gift it is for her to be here, with us in our home.. Is it wrong for me to think about a different life.. I have what God has planned for me, and as hard as I try, some days its just not enough.. sometimes I just cant help but let the tears fall..

I had imagined that grief would be easier 2 years out..I knew I would always miss her, but I thought the deep down in the pit of my soul kind of pain would let up.. and I feel like such a jerk for carrying it around .. Focus on what I do have.. Cayden, brilliant, hilarious and so sweet..Lily is our little fire cracker..a true miracle, beautiful, funny and so adorable.. Its enough, right? I have family and friends that would kill for that.. so I feel terrible for not being 100% happy 100% of the time. I feel like so much of my joy has been restored the past year, I do feel so blessed.. I have wonderful friends, the best family.. just that 'little extra' is missing.. I've lost my muchness I believe.. and I think unless the Lord sees it fit to raise the dead, I will be without it until I'm taking my last breath.but I am working on it.. more importantly, He is still working on me.. I am learning to take the joy I have now and run with it.. and know that one day my muchness will return on the other side..

when a baby dies..

I posted this video on facebook, and I know many have seen it already, but for those who haven't, I wanted to share. I get the question 'how are you doing?' alot lately, I guess May 19th is rapidly approaching and others can probably see the dread on my face. I think of her all of the time, I imagine doing the things we do with all 3 of my children.. I think of how big she would be and all of the things she should be doing. I still have occasional anger about her being 'taken'..who would ever guess that nearly 2 years later this grief would still be so heavy? At the beginning it was all consuming, after a year it was about 50 percent consuming...now I would say 25% consuming, don't get me wrong, she is in my thoughts 24/7, but the grief sneaks up on me. We had Lily's 1st birthday last week and when we were singing happy birthday to her, it took everything I had in me, not to bust into tears, or let any one see the pain..I am so thankful for the opportunity to love and raise a happy, healthy baby, but it is always underneath...Why didn't Ella get to have her 1st Birthday too? A very sweet family member told me she was curious if I was thinking about Ella at that time, and I was.. I was also told that when she mentioned it, they told her  'well they need to get over it'.. How does that happen? How do you get over losing your baby? All of the hopes, dreams and love for that baby? I know that unless you have lost a child, you don't 'get it' for the most part.. but a little bit of compassion goes a very long way. There is no time limit on grief. In a perfect world Ella would be 2 years and 9 months old, here with us..but she is not, she will never be able to do any of the things other children do.. As long as the world keeps turning, I will miss her and grieve for her. I hate that I feel the need to hide my grief because people thing the time to grieve is over..  Is my heart still beating? yes..it is..when this heart stops, that is when my grief will end..  well that turned into a rant, but here is the video  I wanted to share.. be sure to turn off the playlist below..

a few thoughts and a break..

So I know this time of year is rough for lots of people, not just me. C will be 11 years old and LM will be 1!! I am working on a party, but am having trouble just getting stuff done. I feel like I just want to sit, feel sorry for myself and remember her.. March 09, we thought putting a feeding tube in would buy us more time with her, but it didn't..she caught a virus and that triggered the seizures. I can't help but think if we just held off, or if she hadn't gotten that virus, if it would have given us another week, two, a month or even more? If we hadn't insisted on taking her home, would the seizures have been able to control? They could have treated faster, what if that 12 hours at home is what brought on the beginning of the end? I keep thinking of sitting in that chair by her bed in the PICU, wires everywhere. I had my knee's pulled up to me, sobbing, feeling so guilty. The doctors all assured me, that it was not my fault, but how do I convince my heart? For the most part, I do have peace about her passing. I know she is in no pain, she is 100% healed from this horrible disease..Every now and then these feelings seep through though..

It will be 2 years in May. How far we've come in 2 years.. leaps and bounds. I can close my eyes and think of her and smile, I was certain for a long time that I would never smile again, and if I did, I had extreme guilt about it..2 years..there are fewer and fewer traces of her ever being here now..that burns a little. Very rarely is she brought up, I don't find little socks or pieces of her around the house anymore. Her blankets and clothes no longer have her sweet scent..how has it really been this long?

I am blessed though. C and L make me laugh and smile, they give me joy that I can feel deep into my soul. I am excited for Spring, more new beginnings..more memories to make...

Anyhow I am going to take a blogging break for a while. I haven't had a ton to say lately anyway.. I am thinking of making some blog changes... I will keep you posted.

kill me with cuteness...

C came in to sit with L for a second so I could grab her towel real quick from her room and I came into this..seriously cute..  ((nevermind the crazy hair, we had just taken her pony tail out))

~scroll all the way down to the bottom and pause or turn down the playlist..

all is quiet on the front..

So I have not blogged much lately. Things have been pretty quiet around here for a change, and we are LOVING it..I have not heard much on the adoption front, except that the big push to have everything done is June.. made me wonder if that was their fiscal end of year? no clue..so for now we wait!

Cayden will be 11 on the 30th and Lily also will be 1 year at the end of this month also! I can't believe how fast time is just flying by. I am most likely going back to work (out of the home) around the 1st of April. I have never left Lily for any amount of time and have some serious anxiety about it. She also clearly has seperation issues. Every time we take her to church, she refuses to stay in the nursery and one of us has to leave service to sit with her. So we haven't gone alot, which I hate, but I honestly do not know what to do..she cries and cries and cries and the poor nursery volunteers just won't do the trick. Poor Cayden every week has asked if we were going to church and we dont.. Jay and I have been discussing taking turns in going and taking Cayden. He needs to be there just as much as we need to be there.. any advice on seperation anxiety? other than just throwing her in? ((which I will not do!))

snow bored :)

I feel as though we have been snowed in for months, really its only been a few weeks, with a day break here and there.. today I was able to run to the bank and grab some chic-fila for us! ((yay))

this is from my MIL's cell phone so it is fuzzy, but here is an idea of how much snow we got..C is 5 ft tall.

Cayden got some new glasses that I am DYING to take his pics in..he says they are 'girl glasses' but they aren't..he is stubborn and is resisting the camera.. brat..
however there is one child that will help break up my snow day boredom..she was not thrilled about it, but since she can't run yet, she had no choice :) I couldn't get her to smile since it was so close to naptime, but she got through it for the most part..I was able to get a few pics at least.

                                                             until she was done...;)

Not alot has been going on..she is just toddling all over the place. She seems to be sleeping better, hopefully this resumes.. Her worker meets with the adoption worker on Wednesday, to give her all of the info she needs and then she comes out for her monthly visit on Thursday. I spoke with her yesterday and everything seems to be cruising along just fine.. literally :)

I love how she looks at the TV for a second to make sure it wasn't coming from there! She is so sweet it kills me sometimes..I love my kids so much!  Have a great weekend everyone!

Dont forget to enter the great giveaway over at safe haven that I am doing :) I will draw sometime on Monday! Good luck!

this and that...

We have had record snow fall here and have just about dug out and now we are told that we are getting another 6-10 inches tomorrow night..fail.. but I guess all of the free time has been good for Lily, she has finally taken off and can now walk! she is still wobbly, but is doing great :) She is so stinking cute! I just love her so much..

This past week was a little rough. On feb 2, it had been 2 years since Ella was diagnosed and we were given the 'enjoy your time left with her' talk.. All week I just thought about holding her and crying, praying, being mad, and even defiant towards God, telling him he can't take her..then I began for myself to die before she did. With each headache I would honestly pray it was some sort of aneurysm and I would just be gone. All feelings and thoughts that I had never had before then. I realize now, that was selfish and a tad insane, but at the time my heart and head just weren't very logical. I thought of her looking at me confused and touching my face as the tears came down.. Saturday night while at one of my bf's house she gave me all of the pics that she ever took of Ella on a disc, edited and unedited. I knew she was sick, I could see her getting worse as the pictures progressed. I got to the picture group of the ones taken right before she passed and I got to the 2nd one and just had to walk away.. I knew at that time, that she was fading and frail, but I didn't see her the way everyone else did I guess. I still just saw my baby, I still prayed for her miracle, I held out in faith that she would be brought back to new, just as she were a few months before.. and ultimately she was made new, just in Heaven. Seeing those pictures though... I just cried and cried all night in bed, I woke up to cry some more.. Sometimes I can't tell where the pain comes from, is it from believing she is gone, or is it from remembering she was actually here? I feel alot of the time, that it was a bad dream, it happened though.. my heart is scarred and broken and will never be the same. I always miss her, she is always with me, but days (weeks) like this are so cruel.. I try to stay busy and distracted, focused on what is here with me, in front of me.. sometimes its just not possible... its just too much.. but I must take comfort in knowing that she is in the arms of our father.. she is no longer frail, pail and stuggling. She is running, laughing and singing praises.. I am thankful for this, but I still miss her..

Little Miss perfect...

Last week our sw met with LM's indian tribal representative and they signed off on the adoption!I am told that an adoption worker will be in contact with us soon.. This was our big hurdle, she belongs to a different kind of tribe than Jay does, so they could have caused a fuss and possibly had her removed to a home that is the same as she is..BUT praise the Lord, apparenly her tribe and Jay's are 'sister tribes'..Our worker came this morning for her monthly check and we talked some. She said that right now is just time to wait for everything to come together. There is normally a 6 month probabation period before adoption,but since we have had her since August and only us have her (no breaks or other issues) that the time spent should apply as our 6 months. SOOO God willing we could have her adoption final by the time she turns 1 in March!

She is doing wonderfully, she could probably walk if she had a tad more courage, but she will get there when she is ready :) She says momma, dada, bubba,  my pop (my papa), bye bye, yaaayyyy (with clapping), she says 'HI!' but only to our dog..seriously, I can't get her to say it ever, but will climb up on Molly and say 'HI!'.. she is a miracle.. we adore her..even if she is almost 10 months old and hasnt slept through the night for us yet ;)  The past few nights have been rough, she is so tired, I am exhausted and I just can't get her to stay asleep.. I think of how I felt not too long ago, I thought of this post, I thought of how then, and now,  how I wished I could go back and spend more time with her, middle of the night, day, whatever, whenever..I always tell everyone when they mention how tired I look that 'one day she will sleep through the night'..and she will.. but what I am not going to do is wish away her infancy, wish her older, get aggrivated because I don't sleep 7-8 hours with out interruption.. She.is.our.miracle. She's brought me back to life, and I don't dare wish away a second that I could spend with her or Cayden.. well that is my soapbox, I think we kind of like the little gal.. :)

I have shared pics with friends on facebook,but I think it is now safe to introduce our Little Miss to all of my bloggy friends too..  We are changing her name to Lily Belle ((we've already been calling her this)) For obvious reasons I will not share her given birth name.. it doesn't matter anyway..from here til forever she is our Lily :)

I know for some BLM's it is hard to read blogs about other children, I understand and respect that, I do not plan on creating another blog..this is our story from before Ella and us continuing on our journey without her..so I understand completely if its too much to see baby pictures and to hear of babies..

without further ado..to see our baby girl, scroll down!!
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Isn't she the best?!?!