Wednesday, September 2, 2009

crying for colic...

If there was a way to go back, to this time last year.. colicky and crying a majority of the time, I would do it..I would do it and hit pause..
I would listen to the crying and handle being up all night just holding you.. I would do it.. and I would savor it..
I would marinate my brain in the sound of your voice.. I would smell that sweet baby smell and look into your eyes and talk and comfort you.. and not complain, or think of how "I can't wait til she is a little bit older."
The time before Mito, time before feeding tubes and adult strength meds to sedate your tiny body to prevent you from having seizures..
the time before my heart hit the floor and has since been kicked and stomped on leaving this huge gaping wound in my core,
all the while..trying to be okay, trying to seem okay so I don't get those pity eyes that I have grown to despise..
when people across the room are talking about me and then I see it..
the moment they hear "her daughter died" I see it..that look.. and I pretend I don't..
pretend to be looking at something else..kick the heart a little more..
its still pumping.. its not the peoples fault,
they don't know it kills me more each time I get it..
when I am asked about how many children I have.. I am trying out what feels "right" to me..ways to avoid that look while still including my daughter..
I still have 2 children.. and when I tell them I have a son who is 9 and a daughter who is healed and now in heaven,
crap..there is that look again.. Get over it.. I know.. I KNOW.. I KNOW!!
I can't leave her out.. I can't just not mention her..
I've tried it and I immediately want to jump back in later..
Wait, I lied..I have 2 children..not 1..
I can't pretend the last year never happened.. I just can't..
So I will smile and try to deal with the looks..pretending I don't see them..
imagining I could rewind to the time before my whole freaking world was rocked upside down..
before mito..

just noticed this is right above the last blog about jealousy, anger and worry.. as I said.. I am working on it.. today is not going to be the day I overcome it..obviously..


dg darling said...

NEVER feel like you have to make excuses for as many posts in a row that you need to process the grief! I am just so sorry that any of this happened to your family. I don't even know you and I just wish i was there to hug you and cry with you for awhile. I've never lost a child, but in my opinion you are coping the only way a mother can. Life doesn't just go on and of course it's hard to find a new normal. I wish I could say something, anything, that would help. Sorry for your loss doesn't even begin to express the heartache I feel on your behalf. What a beautiful little life to have lost. I will keep praying for your little family and you keep venting all you need!

Stephanie said...

I hate that you have to sit and watch people talk about you. Personally I don't think they should be talking anyways and the pity...what about compassion! I just want you to know that I think of you and Ella often. I think of her beautiful eyes and the amazing difference she has made in so many lives! She's absolutely precious! I can tell you that when my baby girl wakes up I won't complain...I won't nudge my husband tonight to take care of her so I can go back to sleep...I will pick her up and think of you and Ella. I will appreciate every single moment because I know that you would give anything in the world to have that single moment back. Praying for you Jen!

Anonymous said...

I hate that you are going thru all of this. I wish I could make it all go away. But I think it's so good how open and honest you are being about your feelings no matter how unpleasant they may be. This can only help you and help your friends pray for you. I will continue to pray for emotional healing.
Amanda Smith