Wednesday, April 13, 2011

when a baby dies..

I posted this video on facebook, and I know many have seen it already, but for those who haven't, I wanted to share. I get the question 'how are you doing?' alot lately, I guess May 19th is rapidly approaching and others can probably see the dread on my face. I think of her all of the time, I imagine doing the things we do with all 3 of my children.. I think of how big she would be and all of the things she should be doing. I still have occasional anger about her being 'taken'..who would ever guess that nearly 2 years later this grief would still be so heavy? At the beginning it was all consuming, after a year it was about 50 percent I would say 25% consuming, don't get me wrong, she is in my thoughts 24/7, but the grief sneaks up on me. We had Lily's 1st birthday last week and when we were singing happy birthday to her, it took everything I had in me, not to bust into tears, or let any one see the pain..I am so thankful for the opportunity to love and raise a happy, healthy baby, but it is always underneath...Why didn't Ella get to have her 1st Birthday too? A very sweet family member told me she was curious if I was thinking about Ella at that time, and I was.. I was also told that when she mentioned it, they told her  'well they need to get over it'.. How does that happen? How do you get over losing your baby? All of the hopes, dreams and love for that baby? I know that unless you have lost a child, you don't 'get it' for the most part.. but a little bit of compassion goes a very long way. There is no time limit on grief. In a perfect world Ella would be 2 years and 9 months old, here with us..but she is not, she will never be able to do any of the things other children do.. As long as the world keeps turning, I will miss her and grieve for her. I hate that I feel the need to hide my grief because people thing the time to grieve is over..  Is my heart still beating? is..when this heart stops, that is when my grief will end..  well that turned into a rant, but here is the video  I wanted to share.. be sure to turn off the playlist below..