red coat...

I am not sure if you will remember this post from last year, but if you do, you will understand the importance of this picture..

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try it on her.. I've been staring at it in the closet for three years now.. I put it on and she looked down and said "oh cute!" .. I sat in the floor of her room watching her examine it and fought back tears.. for so long I secretly worried that God did not hear my prayers. I figured maybe I had held so much anger in after Ella that he just quit listening to me.. put me on mute or something..I thought of those long nights I spent rocking her praying for him to let me keep her, begging, bargaining..much the same as I did with Ella in those final weeks.. I thought about all of the pain I carry with me constantly and she will make me smile,  just like that.. her and cayden will dance and beat box together and it kills me that Ella is missing, but to see him smile and laugh with her, and the way he loves her, I know God listens and he has exceeded all of our expectations, and shame on me for doubting that.. Seeing Lily in Ella's coat comforts me, I could not save Ella, but instead we got to make this sweet girls life all that she deserves.. I don't believe anyone ever comes full circle after a loss of a child, I have accepted that until Heaven, that I'll be incomplete..Sometimes though, when I least expect it I feel a comfort or peace cover me, and as I sat in her room that evening, it happened, It was a quiet whisper "I'm here"   Thank God for never giving up on us, even when we give up on him..

another Christmas without her..

It was drizzling and cold and almost dark, but I finally did it. I went and decorated her grave for Christmas.. I don't get joy from it, it doesn't make me feel better to do it. To be perfectly honest, I dread doing it.. I know how it is going to make me feel, I know the rush of heartache and sadness that is going to cover me..I use to get comfort from visiting her little place, not so much any more. I know she is not there.. I change the fall flowers and decor and put down the Christmas tree and a little light I bought for her.. I thought of how she would have loved the holidays this year. She would be 3, old enough to know what she wanted, old enough to tell Santa what she wanted, old enough to really get into the elf on the shelf tradition.. old enough to help make cookies for Santa.. I thought about the Christmas we did have her. Jay wanted to buy her everything he saw..even though she was only 4 months old..toys that were way above her age limit, but she would use them earlier than the recommended age, because after all, she was dang near a genious already.. Never in a million years did I fathom the idea that next Christmas she wouldn't be here.. the next Christmas I was a mess, I couldn't speak her name without the tears..This Christmas is our 3rd without her.. I should be use to it by now right? move along, make Christmas great for Cayden and LB, and I am trying, but it is impossible to not think about who's missing.. she should be shaking her presents, trying to guess what she got.. but she is not.. she hasn't been for quite some time now.. and that burns. One Chrismas with her is not enough, it should have been so many more. When I am old and gray I know I will still be imagining her there.. with a family of her own, grown up and beautiful and successful and happy.. I'll miss her then, as much as I miss her now, and as much as I did when she left us 2.5 years ago..

I guess for now, until we have a Christmas with her again, I need to be grateful for the 1 we had her, and for the many we've had and will have with our kiddo's that are still with us. I need to remember that next Christmas may not come, and treat it and every day like it could be our last with the ones we love the most..

sweet baby,
I am so jealous that you get to spend another Christmas in Heaven. I still miss you so much and think about you all of the time. You were our little miracle and I will always treasure every single second that you allowed me to be your mommy. I miss your smile, I miss your sweet little voice, and miss your angel soft skin. I know you are being a good girl so I don't have to tell you that, but please know my precious girl, that as each day passes, thats another day closer to being back with you..Have a Merry Christmas Angel..

love you to the moon and back!
Mommy



3

She would be 3 years old now.

She would be a big girl.

She would go to preschool with Nana.

She would be talking so clearly.

She would have had her birthday party somewhere fun, because this year, she would know what it was all about..

Instead she is still 8 months and 29 days and we remembered her short life at the cemetery.

2 years and 3 months later, it still sucks.

when a baby dies..

I posted this video on facebook, and I know many have seen it already, but for those who haven't, I wanted to share. I get the question 'how are you doing?' alot lately, I guess May 19th is rapidly approaching and others can probably see the dread on my face. I think of her all of the time, I imagine doing the things we do with all 3 of my children.. I think of how big she would be and all of the things she should be doing. I still have occasional anger about her being 'taken'..who would ever guess that nearly 2 years later this grief would still be so heavy? At the beginning it was all consuming, after a year it was about 50 percent consuming...now I would say 25% consuming, don't get me wrong, she is in my thoughts 24/7, but the grief sneaks up on me. We had Lily's 1st birthday last week and when we were singing happy birthday to her, it took everything I had in me, not to bust into tears, or let any one see the pain..I am so thankful for the opportunity to love and raise a happy, healthy baby, but it is always underneath...Why didn't Ella get to have her 1st Birthday too? A very sweet family member told me she was curious if I was thinking about Ella at that time, and I was.. I was also told that when she mentioned it, they told her  'well they need to get over it'.. How does that happen? How do you get over losing your baby? All of the hopes, dreams and love for that baby? I know that unless you have lost a child, you don't 'get it' for the most part.. but a little bit of compassion goes a very long way. There is no time limit on grief. In a perfect world Ella would be 2 years and 9 months old, here with us..but she is not, she will never be able to do any of the things other children do.. As long as the world keeps turning, I will miss her and grieve for her. I hate that I feel the need to hide my grief because people thing the time to grieve is over..  Is my heart still beating? yes..it is..when this heart stops, that is when my grief will end..  well that turned into a rant, but here is the video  I wanted to share.. be sure to turn off the playlist below..

Christmas in Heaven

8 months!

((this is a little late, but I wanted to have record, so here I go)

8 months old and here is all you can do!

you scream DADADADADA and LALALALA all of the time.. we try to get you to say mama, but you are a defiant little soul :)

you crawl so fast all over the place, I tease that you crawl like Gullom from lord of the rings, you use your right leg to move you and your left is on stand by incase you need to stand quickly, its quite hilarious to watch..

You pull up to everything and always seem so proud of yourself, you look around to make sure we have seen you and smile with those big beautiful dimples!

you are feeding yourself some, we started with puffs, and now you are a pro! you love shredded cheese, scrambled eggs and anything else you can put your little fingers on.. Molly also loves that you are sharing with her so much..

You love 'yo gabba gabba' every morning you sit in the high chair and eat breakfast and watch one episode when I get ready for the day. you clap and sing and say 'yaaaaayyyy' the entire time..

you are 21.8 lbs and tall and very lean! Most clothes are 12 months and fit you pretty well! your hair grows longer every day, I love to put it in pigtails and bows.

you don't sleep through the night, you wake up once, sometimes twice. I don't mind though, I secretly am relieved to hear you over the monitor, I get to check on you and make sure you are okay or give you a bottle. I love rocking you while you sleep..just me and you in the quietest of quiet.. you sleep snuggled up breathing in my ear as I thank God for you and pray to keep you forever..

On Dec 31, 2010 you will be 9 months old, 2 days older than Ella, I am anxious to see what 9 months looks like on a little girl, I see little pieces of her when I look at you, even though you are not blood related, you are sisters. C has said from day one that you were sent as a blessing via Ella's request.. to make us happy again. And that you do baby girl.. The thought of all 3 of my babies fills my cup...

should be so easy..

Walking through hobby lobby today seemed like a simple enough task before I left this morning..I was wrong. Let me start by telling you the whole story of my crash course to a broken heart day.

Little Miss came to me with only her newborn vaccinations ((there was no record of birth,medical history, or anything)) so the emergency foster parents had taken her in got the first, and I was to continue getting her caught up. Well every time we had an appt, it turned into a sick visit, i.e. ear infections, flu, and another ear infection. So today was the day. 9:30 this morning we arrived. Taken to the very room Ella received her vaccinations and first visits..(I am a freak and remember all of our past room numbers)  The doctor did the exam and visit, she clung to my neck and pushed him away for the most part. Nurse came in with 3 shots (5 vaccines) She has me lay her down and hold her arms.. I literally flashed back to Ella and felt an instant anxiety attack...'please, just hurry' is all I could get out..she pokes her fast and LM starts screaming, I am still flashing back and forth, feeling like I am about to lose it.."she is okay, mom" the nurse said..she had no clue what was happening in my head..I sit and rock her and compose myself and get her calmed down and leave the clinic.. I take her to my moms for a bit (I had a few errands and she was beyond tired already) and run to hobby lobby for a few items..

I got fabric I needed and headed to get some stuff for Ella's grave. I walked up and down and up and down the same aisles over and over.. I could feel my heart beating through my skin. All I could think of is how I am buying decor for my daughters grave..my. daughters. grave...that doesnt even sound natural, right?! so many flowers and options, I couldn't do it.. and the sad dreary christmas music.. what the crap? I hate Christmas music, but if you're gonna play it, speed it up, play something jolly for Heavens sake.. anyway, I hopped over a few aisles and walked aimlessly through the Christmas stuff. I picked up a few more things and promptly left.

My heart by this point had to be in a million pieces..at least. I kept thinking of Christmas 2 years ago, when we had her..she was perfect. she was happy. and we had no clue what was going on inside of her tiny body. I wish I could be haunted by the ghost of christmas past and take me back to then.. to see how happy and naive we were.. saying things like "next christmas she will be old enough to ....*fill in blank*.. I honestly thought since we made it through last years holiday season that this year would be easier.. but its not..it hurts more because its not so fresh, seems so long ago..and  because so often I look at people and wander if they still think about her.. do they remember how cute she was in her Christmas dress?  probably not..and that sucks..

 all 3 of these are from Dec 2008.
this was her excited face, always made us crack up!!!

Christmas dress on Christmas day, this is also the dress we buried her in..

 daddy and Ella in Branson, she loved the lights and did awesome the entire trip for being so stinkin' cold!!

LM has one visitation scheduled this week and her bio parents are due in court next week.. hopefully something is determined at that point.. because what we are doing now, is not good for her. the back and forth..or for us.. I pray the judge see's that the parents continue doing the same things that caused them to lose her as well as the other 3 previous children.. they don't show for over half of the visits, and aren't doing any of the work to prove themselves as fit parents.. I pray they don't show up and just lose their rights.. or that they just see how good she is doing and agree to sign over.. but it is so hard to be optimistic.. I have complete faith that God's will for her life will be done, as well as ours.. unfortunately I am very much aware that God's will doesn't always coincide with ours... so we'll see..if you pray, please pray..if not, maybe think of good vibes and send them our way in the next few weeks..

sorry to dump this today.. I haven't blogged alot lately.. everything is seeming so heavy.. stress over LM and her pending status, the stress of our daily life without Ella.. Its funny how you always assume things will be one way when you grow up. House, husband, job, 2 kids and 1 dog..we were so dang close.. you would think it all would just come so easy.. no one tells you that chances are you will have to fight like hell just to get the 'simple things'..ugh...Please oh please, just let this work out..

me and C with our new hope..



paranoia will destroy ya..

The other night/early morning I had a dream, although at the time I didn't realize it was a dream. I heard a strange sound over the monitor that sounded like a water hose was going, I walked into the room and the humidifier was spitting huge amounts of water into the crib, I had just turned on the bathroom light, so it was dark, the water was standing and I could see blankets floating, I reached down and grabbed her up and she was cold and gone, I started crying and screaming NOT AGAIN!! NOT AGAIN!!Please not again.. I woke up soaked from the tears and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I check on her, and she is dry and in the bed and the humidifer is only sending out steam.

Next night, it was a little cool in the house, but I kept it that way so LM wouldn't get too warm and cause a coughing attack((still sick)). It was the night of the time change, so I expected her to wake up between 12:30 and 1:30am for a bottle. I woke up at 3:30 and realized she hadn't made a sound. I turn on the hallway light and walk in. She is lying as still as can be, and because her jammies are a little loose, I can't see her chest moving. I stick my finger in her hand and she doesn't squeeze. I touch her face and it was cool, she didn't open her eyes or move her face at all.. No, no, no, no, no, no is all I can remember thinking. I pick her up fast and she just melts into me, not making a sound, I pull her out a little and shake her (just once and not hard) she looked up at me as though I were insane. I sat in the rocker and started to cry..I kept thinking and wandering if I was going to be this way forever.. I was doubting my sanity, should I even be allowed to care for a baby? I changed her, fed her and rocked her back to sleep, holding her for well over an hour. I laid her back down, turned up the heat, and went to my bed and laid there, I think I fell asleep right before the alarm went off.

I realize she is 7 months old, and will eventually sleep through the night, sometimes not making a sound..its what most parents beg for right? So why does it make me turn into some sort of neurotic and paranoid freak of a person? Ella was sick. She fought for almost 5 months. It was not sudden..I will never forget what it was like holding her when she was gone..It is my worst fear to have that happen again..to hold a child I love when they are cold.. I do not walk around worrying she will pick up germs while crawling, I don't worry about this sort of thing all of the time, but when it does happen, it certainly makes me question whether I will ever be normal again..will I ever NOT be paranoid that something bad is right around the corner?

Joy 2.0

The truth is I have been seriously doubting if I would ever have joy again.. joy from with-in type of stuff, soul glowing through my eyes type of joy..I knew whether I had no more kids or a million that it would never be the same..not without her..
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and had a nice weekend with some great friends.. We laughed like we use to, like we meant it.. I had 2 kids with me again.. I saw Cayden with little miss, showing her all of the fun stuff, and there at the pumpkin patch it happened..it started as a little flicker..the I saw her with Jay, he was holding her, she was laughing and clapping all day. She loved being with us, she loved being with the other kids. I picked her up after she was 'getting me' and she grabbed my face and leaned her forhead to mine and met eyes and she smiled and then slimed me with a big kiss...my heart will always yearn for Ella, I will always imagine her with us. Our friends have a 2 year old girl and I could imagine her and Ella running around playing together. Truth is though, she is running around playing, she is not alone, she has all of her other friends that were taken too soon to keep her company..At the pumpkin patch though, the joy crept up and took over. Its not the same joy as it was 2 years ago, but a new adaptation of joy..joy 2.0?

This was an accidental pic, we were trying to get one of her face when being tossed up, I about deleted it and thought 'wait, that is kinda perfect'

She is not from us, her DNA is not the same as Caydens, mine or Jays. I don't know for sure if we will have her this time next year.  I don't know if we will have her 3 months from now. I hate it that others are stand-offish for her in fear that they will 'get attached' and then if they leave it will cause too much pain. Would I like to keep her forever, yes more than anything. Will it suck if her parents donors get her back, heck yes, we will fight like hell to keep her, don't doubt that..but the reason we decided to go this route of foster/adoption is because we needed to help those who needed us as much as we do them. She knows us as her family and she is ours..she needs love, she needs a family, she needs all of the things we have to give.. if these kids in foster care didn't need more than that, they'd stay in group homes, shelters and 'orphanages' She needs a mom, a dad and a brother. She needs grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins..I also keep thinking about these people that are reserving attachment for a later date, what if it takes years to know anything for sure? what if we get to keep her and they've missed out on so much because we aren't sure how long we get her.. Lets be real, even if she were to come from my body, there are no guarantees..I have a list of blogs of people who never imagined their children would not be with them.. If I were to have another baby, I can't imagine not attaching to them because they could be sick, or SIDS could happen, or accidents could happen. If that were the case, we'd never attach to anyone.. we'd be alone in our own spaces.. Could you imagine not having your attachements? your kids, your spouse, parents? I can't even fathom it. I love her like I am going to keep her forever, I am her mother and I would do no less for any other child... she needs me and I need her.. whether I end up hurt or not, I will never regret it..I don't regret falling desperately in love with Ella, and losing her about killed me.I'd do it over and over again if I needed to.. she is worth it, so worth it..same with little miss..totally and completely worth it..

more randomness...

Like the new blog design, I gave my self a birthday present of a new blog makeover! Franchesca always does such a great job! I love it! go check her out if you are in need of one!


Cayden got back from his cruise Sunday. It seems as though a good time was had by all. Little Miss was so excited to see him, she reached over and grabbed his face and started pulling his hair.. it was cute, he seemed just as happy to see her too, he resisted from pulling her hair though ;) 

a pic of him with a mexican dancer..that term doesn't really seem PC, but I guess its okay since Carnival put it on the boarder? I dunno..

We had visitation yesterday and the parents didn't show up. Apparently having it rescheduled last week caused mass hysteria and they forgot about it. Oh and they moved again. Conveniently after the SW told them she would need to come out and inspect their home. so yeah..that was convenient..So after waiting 20 minutes her worker comes and says we can leave, and she comes over to do her monthly diaper change observation and little mini inspection. It was pretty uneventful.. she is nice enough, but sometimes I really wish we had someone a little older, more experienced.. thats alright though. Little miss jumped and played and gave me some sloppy sweet kisses when the worker was here. It was almost as she were saying 'LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM!!'  love her so much...


My 30th was good. Went to eat at Olive garden with my BFF and enjoyed some peach tea..mmmm! and that pm we went to Jalepeno grill with my MIL and FIL and had some yummy fajita's. So I did get a day off of cooking! My mom brought over a blue berry pudding cake which I had a small piece of before falling into a food coma.. Tonight we are going to Dave & Busters with some friends. I am glad to be going, a little disappointed that a few people aren't going for this or that reason, but I should not really be surprised, it happens..and our history has proven it over and over. We go to stuff, if one can't go the other goes, even when it was hard on us after losing Ella, we went to parties, showers, etc.. If its for someone I care about, we make an honest effort to go, and it sucks that people that are suppose to care about us don't make it a priority. ((This rant is about more than my Bday party, its about benefits and things we've done and much more I won't go into)) I will say this though, for every one person that lets us down, we have two that more than make up for it, we are more than blessed with some super fantastic friends and family!


I think it goes without saying that I am a little down lately, I feel stressed and anxiety ridden again.. I think it has to do with the holidays coming up, just a few weeks is Thanksgiving and a little after that is Christmas. I can't believe that we are entering another holiday season without her. It seems as though one would think it would get easier each season, but apparently this season is not the one to let up..I look at my beautiful family and all that we have and realize I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and son, and now a sweet baby girl that loves me more than anyone else.. I am not trying to discredit this at all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and am so thankful, but I can't help by wander if I will ever again feel 'normal'..when (if) we adopt little miss and its final, will I feel complete? or will this ache in my chest be there forever reminding me of what we lost..People suffer, people lose babies, kids all of the time...and they seem so normal, so happy..are they faking or is it true, and if it is true, how do I get there? I just miss her...
I can't believe this was 2 years ago..Here is a video of Ella griping while waiting for her doctor to come in at about 8 weeks old..We do have more video, but it hurts so bad to watch it..anyone else experience this? I can handle pics, but videos feel like I am having my heart torn out of my chest..anyway, be sure to turn the music off below..

remembering today and always...

where ever you may be @ 7pm your time, I ask that you light a candle for Ella and all of those taken too soon.. if you can, take a pic, tag me on fb, email or txt me the pic, we'd love to see the night glow for our sweet babies..



Baby girl,
I can't believe its been almost 18 months since I've held you, it seems like it was just yesterday. The news guy came out and talked to me today about you, he asked me my favorite memory of you, My favorite memory is my saddest memory too, it was while we were at the ER and you were seizing and I couldn't get you to stop, so I held you close to me and you reached up and played with my hair and smiling, your tiny body was causing such a mess, but your sweet spirit was so much stronger.. I of course would have been a blubbering mess trying to explain this moment, so I simply said , Her smile and her laugh...
You and I have something special princess, and I can't wait to feel that again one day..love and miss you more than any words could ever express...xo~ mommy

tears of sadness, tears of joy...

I had a dream of Ella, actually 2 of them this morning..The first was healthy 2 year old Ella at some sort of family gathering, running, playing and being perfect..the first dream kind of evolved into the 2nd..Same family gathering, kids running and screaming, people laughing, change of Ella, I was sitting on the stairs holding her in my lap, 2 years old and sickly.. someone walked by and asked if we were okay and I said yes, and I must have dozed off, because I dreamt she were healthy..I looked down and her tiny frail face and told her I was still so thankful to have her with me, even if she couldn't do all of the things the other children were, and she smiled... and I honestly woke up half expecting her to be here..tears filled my eyes before I could even open them, my heart was heavy and I was again short of breath from the shock that she is gone..Its been a little 13.5 months and still seems so fresh at times..

This is a day where I would have called it a loss. Jay was gone, Cayden gone..just me..in the quite again.. I can't handle days that start off with such heart ache. I laid in bed for a few minutes.. listening to the fan and I took in a deep breath of the morning air..cool autumn air to be exact..I then heard over the monitor 'dadadadadadada..ahhhhhhh..dadadada' yep..she's awake and ready to get the day started. It is not an option to lie in bed all day.I got up, wiped my face and walked into a nursery where there was a baby, a precious baby smiling at me and let out a squeel that would wake up the neighbors..once again I began to cry, but good tears this time.. At that moment, everything was re-affirmed. We will never have Ella back while on this Earth, but we are still needed and wanted, by Cayden and by this sweet darling and adorable baby.. I love that we are helping her, and I am delighted at the joy she has brought and blessing that she has been to help mend our broken hearts.. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and he will bring us Joy when we need it the most, in our darkest hours, and this morning, that joy was in the form of a 6 month old brown haired baby girl.. how I adore her...

did you know??

Did you know that 80% of children diagnosed with Mitochondrial Disease before the age of 5 will not survive to see 20 years of age? If it was your child, would this statistic be acceptable to you?

(the average life expectancy for the exact type Ella had is 9 months)

Did you know that, Every 30 minutes, a child is born who will develop a mitochondrial disease by age 10.  Each year, 1000 to 4000 children in the United states are born with a mitochondrial disease.   While exact numbers of children and adults suffering from mitochondrial disease are hard to determine because so many people who suffer from mitochondrial disease are frequently misdiagnosed, we now know the disease is approaching the frequency of childhood cancers.  Many are misdiagnosed with atypical cerebral palsy, various seizure disorders, childhood diseases and diseases of aging.  Still others aren't diagnosed until after death.  

Did you know that the parts of the body that need the most energy, such as the heart, brain, muscles and lungs, are the most affected by mitochondrial disease. The affected individual may have strokes, seizures, gastro-intestinal problems, swallowing difficulties, blindness, ...deafness, heart and kidney problems, muscle ...failure, heat/cold intolerance, diabetes, immune issues, and liver disease.

Did you know that mitochondrial dysfunction is connected to common diseases such as alzheimers, parkinsons and autism spectrum disorders?

Did you know that mitochondrial diseases are not as rare as you may think? 1 in 200 people carry a mutation that may develop into a mitochondrial disease.

Did you know that there are currently no treatments, cures or anyway to help one with mito? vitamin treatments to try and help restore some energy is all there is. There are many studies out there, and I believe there is a study out there that will work as a cure, but there is just simply not enough funding..so instead children and adults are suffering daily. We have treatments and cures for Erectile dysfunction, hair loss, acne, and so many more minor ailments, and not one for this disease..

Did you know there are many ways to give, funds that will actually go directly to research and raising awareness..click on the link on my sidebar for Ella's research fund, or go here and print to mail in the form, or book mark the page and donate..

can't decide if you should donate or not? even if its just a one time donation of $5.00 it is help and we appreciate it so very much.. and so do each and every single one of these faces..

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com



Lord, fill this coat...

December 26, 2008, Jay and I went shopping with his mom. We returned a few things, spent some gift cards, grabbed lunch, all with our healthy beautiful baby girl in tow. She loved to shop, to be pushed in the stroller, she'd just watch everyone and enjoyed the change of scenery as well as the strangers doting over how perfect she was. We had no clue at that time what was going on inside of her tiny body, we had no clue that just a few days later, we'd be sitting in the PICU praying for God to spare her life.. While in one of the stores we spotted this, and Nancy wanted to get it for her, even though it was big at the time, she could wear it in a few winters..so here we are fall, a few months will turn to winter, and guess who is not here to wear her coat? When I hang up Little Miss's clothes in the closet, this always catches my eye..

 I can close my eyes and imagine her wearing this to church. I can imagine the black tights and black shiny shoes on her feet, a black hat to keep her sweet little head warm and gloves for her precious hands.

24 months, she would be 24 months now, she would have looked like a little model and I am certain she would have worn it for our 2010 Christmas cards. Most of the time I imagine her as a 9 month old baby, but occasionally I can think of her older, her 'adjusted' age. I wonder what she would look like, what she would sound like, would she be loud or shy? Would she be talking well? potty training? My heart aches to know these things, I wish I knew someone who could sketch a pic of her adjusted age, like they do for the children who are missing and abducted..I wish I could see her one more time. a glimpse.

I am praying that next winter Little miss is ours and we can put her in this coat for our 2011 Christmas cards, that I can post them, because she will be ours and no longer 'foster'..that is our prayer anyway..Lord, let us have a little girl long enough to be a toddler, long enough to fill this coat....

to meet one's needs...

My fear when we began our journey to foster and adoption was simple. What if I can't bond with children that are not from my body. What if we were to adopt a baby, and there was nothing there.no love, no feelings, just empty.I am a firm believer that in order to provide more than basic needs, there has to be a bond, an attachement, a bond. The reason we decided to foster to adopt, or attempt to, is because we needed to help those in need. Not that adoption from agencies isn't wonderful, because it is. But what about these kids, the ones who have been abused, neglected, and everything else you can think of. Who wants them? Who wants the 'other than perfect' baby to take care of forever? The baby who doesn't trust strangers, loud noises, the ones who startle easy..what about them? who wants them? Can we handle taking on a child who's background is already so shaded at such a young age. What if we can't look past this and get that attachment. What if they aren't perfectly shaped, colored, healthy or happy, what will we do? Can we love them as our own? Can we meet more than their basic needs?

Yes, yes we can. Never in my life would I imagine that the problem was not loving enough, but too much.. That attachement is there instantly. They need us, She needs us, Little Miss smiles when we glance at her. She jumps and hugs our necks when we pick her up. She is only 5 months old and is in need of more than her basic needs. She needs so much more, snuggles, laughs, a peaceful home, people who dote over her pig tails and tell her how cute she is.. She NEEDS us and I am oh so happy to be able to give her an abundance. I hold her too much, I know this. She never cries more than a few minutes, waiting on that bottle..I can handle that, its not seizures that terrify her and all I can do is hold her and cry, its not the blood being drawn, the IV's being placed all over her tiny body, again while all I can do is sit by and do nothing..its a need that I can fill. I can hold her and rock her to sleep, I can warm her bottle a little even though she'll take it room temp, I can play 'super baby' with her until my arms are numb. Its a need for her, but its also a need for me. When Ella got sick there towards the end, I could only hold her on a pillow for a very short time before she would become so sore. Even when she was here, all I wanted was to hold her against me, to feel her breathe, and I couldn't..I wanted to help her, to hold her, for me to meet her needs was impossible..No baby will ever replace Ella, whether its from my body or not.. but I do have to believe that the huge gaping whole left in my chest can be filled a little, by meeting both of our needs..

I love this baby, I love Sweet pea, I can't imagine what its like to absolutely not travel to the end of the Earth and back for your kids. Its sad, but I am so grateful that we have been blessed with the position to help the ones we can. We have the room, the stuff, the time, and more than that the love, an abundance of it. Praise the Lord for that..

We are waiting to hear if Little Miss's aunt is approved to take kinship or not. I am assuming she will be approved, and praying she isn't (for our sake), but I will post as soon as I hear anything..

Isn't she lovely?!

UPDATE!!!!

Her worker just called and said the aunt and uncle are most likely going to be denied because of some questionable history on one of them.  She did say the parents requested visitation, so we will see when that is. I guess even though they are terminating rights, they still have to offer it until its official.. soo for now we get to keep her. I am worried once the rights are terminated and she is adoptable that people will come out of the woodwork for her..We just have to put it all in Gods hands and trust that he will take care of her and us as a family..

okay and just because I am feeling froggy here is one peek of little miss! She just turned 5 months old last week and is almost sitting by herself! *she does for a minute or 2 before she tips, but so good!*

Happy Birthday sweet girl...

Sweet Ella,
We all miss you so much, I can't believe that you are gone..it seems like I'll wake up and find this is a horrible dream..this life without you.. I do know one day we will see each other again in Heaven..Love you so much!Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven! I hope you are being spoiled and given a very special day <3

Insert clever title here...

Sometimes when I talk about Ella, I feel like people are thinking 'get over it, move on, let it go'...No one has actually said anything to my face, but sometimes reactions make me think this is what they aren't saying. 15 months today since she left. 1 year and 3 months. What is the adequate amount of time to mourn your child? Is there a rule of thumb, 1 year of life = 1 year of grief? If you are reading this and have not lost a child, how long would you miss them? And since I am getting things off my chest, isn't it funny how people that LOVED her the most, are the ones to never speak her name? why? to make us feel guilty because we bring them down? Oh excuse me, don't let me get in the way of your life...They are not the ones who wake each day and walk by the empty room, they are not the ones that wake in the middle of the night, because you are sure her feeding pump was going off, 15 months later..They are not the ones that dream of her being here and wake up to her being gone. dying all over again.. Most of the time we do okay, we know our princess is in Heaven, we have absolute faith that we will see her again. But no new baby will ever replace her, no foster or adoption..We have loved having the ones we have had, but they are not her. That ache is still there..when sweet pea would cry in the middle of the night, that sweet little cry, I would stumble in there half asleep, expecting Ella..crazy..she wouldn't be 6 months old, but the grieving mind/soul is a funny thing.. Don't assume just because its 1 year and 3 months later, that its okay to forget that she existed, pretend she didn't make an imprint on this Earth.. Sometimes people say 'I just don't know what to say' well..I don't really know, but I do know that saying nothing at all, absolutely makes it seem as if you don't care at all.. I don't always feel like talking about her in depth, but when people say "I've been thinking about her" or "I stopped by the cemetery, I lit a candle, sent up a balloon" anything like that seems so small, but it means the world to Jay and I..
It seems like sending sweet pea back last week made me miss Ella more and more, or maybe its her birthday this week, maybe a combination. I don't know..I do know this week has been hard. I've been searching for distractions, slept all day yesterday pretty much, and I'm not real certain I will be loads of fun on Saturday. Last Birthday, I think we were still in shock, or they honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. But this one, its just plain hard. I'm just ready for this week to be over.

Now, I know...

I knew we wanted you before you were born.
I knew you would be loved to heaven and back, no matter what.
I knew you would melt your daddys heart the minute you two met eyes.
I knew we would be attached at the soul from the second I first heard your heart beat,
you were mine and I was yours forever.
I knew you were the most beautiful little girl from the second we laid eyes on your perfect face.
I knew that the sound of your soft voice was music to my ears, I'd listen to you jabber and couldn't help by gleam with joy.
I knew your soft skin needed to be shaded, gaurded and protected, and I knew it was our job to protect it from harm.
I knew your sweet eyes always looked as though they were holding a secret..
I knew I would hold you for hours on end and not even think about anything else..
I knew you were sent straight from Heaven and the answer to our prayers.

I did not know that you were going to only be staying for 8 months and 29 days, this must have been the secret you could not share.
I did not know that it was possible to feel so much pain for another person.
I did not know what it truly was to be rendered completely helpless.
I did not know your voice would one day be silent, and we would do anything for just another rambling.
I did not know that you would fade before our very eyes.
I did  not know that someone so little could fight so hard.
I did not know that that we had you sweet girl, only to say good bye.
I did not know it would still hurt this bad 15 months after losing you.
I certainly did not know that you wouldn't be here to celebrate your 2nd birthday..

Now, I know...

rainbow for a weekend....

Friday morning we got a call to come and pick up a sweet 2 month old baby boy. We brought him home and loved on him all weekend. He cooed, jabbered and has the sweetest smiles. On Saturday night, I held him and fought back the tears as I remembered holding sweet Ella so many nights, begging God to heal her tiny body and let us keep her..I looked down at him and not only felt sad for us, but for him.. how could someone have such a precious gift and not move Heaven and Hell to do whatever needed done for this sweet little guy..I obviously can't go into details, but I just.did.not.get.it...and I finally had to remind myself, how its not for us to understand. its for us to help and love them when we can.. while there in our home, we'll do the moving for these sweet children..Monday morning I took the little man for his visit with his mother and a another family picked him up and took him home with them. I then came home and took a 5 hour nap! yes, 5 hours!! Sweet little guy wore me smoooooth out! It was so nice to have a sweet little rainbow for the weekend..for now, we will wait for the next call and placement.. we did talk to the worker about only little girls from here on out though.. everything we have is pink, purple, flowers and butterflies..

On another note, I am behind again on reading blogs, facebook and everything..I've hit a wall the past few weeks..Ella's birthday is less than a month away.. She should be here, she should be turning two and having the best little princess party ever..I miss her so much I just can't stand it..I can't believe that it was 2 years ago that we were so excited to finally have our girl that we'd prayed for..I would have never in a million years imagined that we would watch her suffer lose her and bury her before her 1st birthday.. what I would not give to go back to that time and bask in our ignorance...((sigh))

utter and complete randomness..

My family cooked out the other day and my cousins kids (who are both 2) went running into the dining room for cake, some one said "attack of the two year olds!!" everyone smiled and watched, and my heart sank into my stomach.. I imagined Ella being right beside them chowing down and getting blue frosting all over. I wondered at that exact moment, if anyone else was thinking of Ella too...

She would be 2 years old next month. Its hard to imagine her as a toddler, actually its easy for me, its just heartbreaking.  I am not sure what if anything we will do for her birthday this year. We were going to have a breakfast at applebee's to raise money for the UMDF, but honestly I just don't have it in me right now.  Today is 14 months exactly since she flew away..how in the world I've lived that long without my daughter is beyond me. Everyone says how they would go crazy, have to be locked up, etc..if their baby/child died and most of the time I just say things like 'God gives you the strength each day.' Other times I think that there is something wrong with me. How can I smile and laugh and live my life, why don't I still feel like laying down and dying? I did for so long, I was completely blanketed in grief, loss, anxiety, and all over sadness and helplessness..Does it mean I don't love her enough, now that the moments like this are just short and random? Am I meant to walk around the tortured soul for the rest of my life? but, she would want us to carry on, she always wanted people to laugh and smile, she'd do anything for it..and we'd do anything for her to do the same..It is very comforting to know she is in glory and happy and patiently waiting for our family to be reunited.

This week on discovery health was baby week, and I was able to watch without falling to pieces. (which is a very huge accomplishment) Cayden and I watched 'I'm pregnant and...a former heroin addict' we watched the baby born and go to the NICU, and eventually go home. C looked at me and said "well, thats not fair" I knew what he meant, and just agreed with a 'life isn't fair' kind of saying...

At the cookout the other day, my cousins gf's family was there and they are a foster family, they  had a set of twins and another little boy with them. My mom talked to them a bit and they told her from the time they signed their contract that it was 4 months until they had a placement.. 4 months.. I don't know if this is the norm, or not..but I've been chomping at the bit and its not even 3 weeks yet.. I'm still working on patience, still waiting on the Lord to just give me a big ol' dose of it while I am sleeping or something..and I'll just wake up and say "all in God's timing" and I will actually mean it..  :) well this is the worlds most random post, so I will end now.. Happy Monday everyone!