Thursday, December 31, 2009

so long 2009

you started out with a daughter in a bed all hooked up to wires, IV's and anything else that could be attached, as I cried when you rang in.. it seemed as if everyone was celebrating..everyone except us that were trapped in our hospital rooms watching our children fight for their lives.. I had a healthy daughter before you so rudely interrupted, and then a terminally ill daughter and then a buried daughter.. I am glad to see you gone.. I am praying I never experience the pain you brought with you as you stormed in.. you flew by in some ways and in others were quite possibly the longest most torturous year ever.. So I bid you farewell.. so glad to see you go..don't let the hypothetical door hit you on your way out..

there is a facebook app for my year in status.. this was mine..a very appropriate last sentence..
there was another for my year in photo's and this is what mine was.. I thought it was appropriate..

I am not so naive to assume 2010 will be perfect, but I honestly pray its no worse or even equally as bad as 2009 has been.. Happy New years to our caring and loving friends (new and old) and all made 2009 a little more tolerable..

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

sweet baby girl....

I am so sorry about all the blood they took, I am sorry about the spinal tap, CT's and xrays that was done needlessly a year ago today, the IV in your sweet little head.. I am sorry about all of the monitors and leads all over your body.. I am sorry I was not stronger for you.. and I am sorry I could not do it all in your place and Ella, I am so so sorry I could not give my own life to save yours..

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

ear infection...oh how I wish....

A year ago today, I took Ella to the dr. She was not her happy smiley self..She had been diagnosed with a sinus infection the week before and was told this time that she had an ear infection..probably from the drainage and crud from the sinuses.. I took her home, expecting a full recovery and to return back to normal again..I had no idea what the night time would bring.. I secretly worried it was something more, but thought that was just me being paranoid and over protective.. I really am at a loss of what I feel right now.. naive to think that everything would be okay...guilty for secretly fearing the worst..I wish so bad it was just an ear infection.. I wish so bad I had my daughter here..I wish I could have the memories without the pain..

Ella and Wubby just a couple days before she got sick..we had been to target and she was sleepy, for some reason I just wanted to snap a few pics.. glad I did..

Saturday, December 26, 2009

As far as I know...

We made it through and no one mentioned Ella's name, except Jay.. our brother and SIL and his 2 boys did not make it to Jay's moms Christmas morning due to weather and something was said about being 4 people short, Jay said "no, 5 people short" and that was it.. no one said anything else.. to my knowledge anyway.. I talked to my mom a little about it and I know it's hard to know what to say, no one wants to make us upset..I get it..and actually going into it, I thought it would be better if no one said anything, but stung..watching the kids play(again) and remembering last Christmas telling Ella how "next year will be more fun for you".. I had no clue what this would mean now.. she did have more fun this year..she danced at our Saviors feet on his birthday.. I honestly believe this..I believe the scripture, that we will be raised up and meet him and Ella in the air one day.. I believe that God gives us what we need, when we need it.. right now though, it doesnt doesnt sting any less.. and for the life of me I cannot figure out why in the world its just plain not enough..the lack of her name makes me feel like she is already forgotten, and to hear her name sometimes breaks my heart.. where is the happy medium? Where is the peace and comfort? we are 7 months without her, and it is a little easier.. I have less of the moments of panic/anxiety/loss.. I fear the day when she will be gone longer than she was with us..crazy right, because any time without her is too much, but that 8 month and the 30th day.. its so scary..

Anyway..we made it through Christmas..Cayden got some good stuff and so did we.. I have no pics or videos.. and feel just awful about it, but we just could not get into it this year.. the tree and all of the decorations are down and we are back to normal... as normal as it gets around here anyway..

Monday, December 21, 2009

Ella in the snow..

Thank you Lisa for the beautiful collage..thinking of you always dear friend...

I have kind of been in a funk lately.. I apologize for my very random postings, comments..just being absent pretty much.. not even just my blog..IRL, I haven't returned emails, texts, FB messages...I just haven't been in a good routine the last several weeks/months.. I still read all of your guys posts and comments, emails, texts, just some of the time don't find the right words to comment, respond..its not because I don't care..I DO care... and I am praying this funk passes with the holidays..Praying for each of my BLM's as always and my friends and fam in real life..I am sorry.. sorry I am pretty much a recluse for the time being.. I feel as though I am a downer most of the time, and find it much easier to just hibernate..just observe for now.. not sure if I will post before Christmas or not.. but merry christmas friends, IRL and Bloggers, lurkers and especially my sweet family.. and since I only ordered 50 Christmas is to the rest :)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

"I don't know how you do it."

I hear/read this often "I don't know how you do it" I would be a mess, you would have to lock me up etc etc.. first off...nobody asked us, we didn't voluntarily give up our baby.. second..define "it"..what exactly is it that we are doing? Barely getting by? Having to force ourselves out of bed, because as much as we would LOVE for the world to stop, it doesnt.. it keeps going round and round, despite our broken hearts..despite our fears, our grief, our loss.. Is it the fact that we paste on smiles and act as though we are doing well, while we both know that inside we are dying to crawl back into bed and cry.. pass through December, pass through Christmas, pass through the pain of watching C open his presents while our daughter is not here.. Is it that after she had just passed, that I would pray that every headache was an anuerysm about to bust, so that I too could die.. to go to be with her?? Is it the not knowing what to say when my 9 year old asks if his sisters body is decomposing? no words, so I put off the conversation, and cry because I don't know how or what to say..He thinks about it..about awful things that 9 year old kids should never ever have to deal with.. so I guess he is doing "it" too, right??what is IT that I am doing? That my husband and son are doing..because honestly..we don't want to do it anymore.. we want to be happy again.. we want to be complete body asked us, and quite frankly, it just pisses us off that we are in the position that we have no choice... but to wake up every day and do "it" after day after day..

finally in....

Headstone is in and set.. I am so relieved.. now if everything else would follow suit and get better, we'd be just peachy..
turned out beautifully, don't you think?

Monday, December 14, 2009

whats that you say?

You are feeling generous and are burdened to give to a charity this holiday season?? May I suggest the new Isabella Magee Research Foundation? Be the first to give towards a cure for this awful disease, also feel free to share the link on your blogs, emails, facebook, anything :)

Here are a few more in case you want options
Doing good in her name, Peytons mommy Kristin is helping raise items and supporting her local NICU

NILMDTS, we did not use their services because our sweet friend Mandi came over days before Ella passed and took pics

Tulsa Childrens hospital, our home away from home for several months, the people who kept us going and home the time we were able to stay home, this is still a very new hospital and could certainly use donations.. we love it.. and the people..check it out..

I have another post in the works and will post as soon as I get time to finish.. :)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Christmas in Heaven...

I was talking with my mom the other day about Ella and Christmas last year, and how much fun it would have been to buy clothes and toys for her this year.. I said something along the lines, of even if she could come back, she wouldn't..who would want to leave Heaven? and then I got to thinking about how glorious Christmas day must be in Heaven.. Christmas with Christ himself! who in the right mind would want to come back.. I smiled as I thought about this.. I miss her and always will, but I am so happy for her.. I am so happy that all she knew in this world was love, and now all she knows is our fathers love.. and best of all, she gets to celebrate Christmas in Heaven.. Can you just imagine?

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing
I know how much you miss me
You know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
I sent you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above
I sent you each a memory of my undying love
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told
Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas
And wipe away that tear:
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
~author unknown

Sunday, December 6, 2009


I know of 5 babies that have been taken too soon from this earth from Mitochondrial DNA depletion..

Our cousin and her husband Amy and nick lost 2 babies.. Bailey in 2004, she was 6 months old.. and Slade in 2005 who was 4 months old.. Amy and Nick are wonderful..Amy is my hero.. she is still such a wonderful mommy to these 2 sweeties, and they must be so proud of her.. I called her the other night just super upset and she did not try to rationalize, she just told me she understood and has been there (in a certain situation) and she did not make me feel like a head case, I love that she is so honest and still maintains complete faith in the Lord. She made a beautiful grave blanket that I am going to lay as soon as the headstone is laid this week..(Pics coming soon)..anyway I just love her and Nick and her mom and her sisters and even her dad.. I am sad that this is something we have in common, but glad it is her.. I am glad that I have someone in real life who gets it. I know I can talk to her and know its in complete confidence any time I need and I hope she knows I am here for her too anytime.. :) (if you guys want to email me pics of the kiddo's I would love to have them to post..)

Second is Lisa.. my friend from up north.. Thanks to the blogger world I have had to opportunity to get to know her and her family.. They have lost 2 girls and have 2 girls still with them! ( all of which are gorgeous!) She and I email back and it is nice to just write and talk to someone.. to hear from her on what is going through her mind..and to be able to unload mine..they often turn into novels, it is so good to have have someone like her..she recently made a video to honor her daughter Rachel, and watching this just sent chills up my spine.. it is so familiar.. everything just rang Ella in my ears.. she doesn't blog here anymore, but she posted this video, go over and watch it, maybe have some tissues handy..

so we have
Rachel 2.5 months old -2003
Bailey 6 months old- 2004
Slade 4months old-2005
Amryn almost 2 months old-2008
Ella almost 9 months old-2009

while I am so thankful for these two, I am so sad of what brings us together.. this disease, this disease that has no treatment, and no cure in sight.. how is there a cure for wrinkles, a treatment for ED?, and not any kind of treatment for this disease? most with this disease die before they are 9 months..Ella almost made it.. 2 days shy of being 9 months..9 months, can you just believe it?? Ella was the "old" one in the group making it to 9 months.. its not right.. we must do something about this..

This is Karina, she turned 2 a little while ago and is quite the little fighter.. she is beautiful!We pray for them every time I talk to God..pray for a miracle for Karina, that she is the one who defies the odds for a very long time! She has a lovely family and is so blessed with a mommy like Melissa, she's the best... go check them out and remember them in your prayers too!!

Friday, December 4, 2009


I am not sure if it is because of the holidays, the stress of going through the motions without her, the memories of posing her in front of the tree, knowing that at the end of this month, 1 year ago, is when our hell started....but I regress into my sadness...into the black hole of grief that once consumed me..

I am not sure if it is because of recent news of everyone and their dog are now expecting.. I don't know if I am feeling bad for not being happy for them, or if I am jealous that they just get to have a baby and not worrying about it being gone before its first birthday, or if it is because they assume that THIS can't happen to them?? I don't know if its because no one wants to share the news that they are expecting because they are afraid of upsetting me..they are afraid I will go to bed and cry myself to sleep, awaken through the night crying of jealousy, jealousy that they get to keep their baby and I am just stuck missing her.. I can't get up and go hold her, kiss her.. comfort her when she cries...again, I regress...back into my least for now..until I have to get out and fake a smile, fake that my heart is not broken..fake that watching Cayden without his sister does not burn a hole through my heart..I will pray for that peace, pray that I don't bust out in tears every time something reminds me of her.. pray for patience of others to be gentle and know that although they may not still be grieving her, we are..

Saturday, November 28, 2009


A little over 6 months and this is hard.. Thanksgiving day we went to my aunts house, Cayden said the blessing (I was so proud of him!) and I sat in the dining room most of the time and watched the children sliding up and down the stairs, laughing and having so much fun.. I imagined Ella being in the mix of it all, bossing them all around, like the little diva she was.. :) My cousin has a little girl that is about 6 months older than Ella, and she was dressed in a tutu, looking adorable and so fun.. my heart beats and feels like its about to explode every time I see her... Ella and her would have been great friends.. I miss who she was, but who she would be at this age..15 months, and so funny..

For Christmas we drew names and we put Ella's name in and whoever drew her name is to buy for an angel off of the Childrens hospital angel tree.. My mom, MIL, and some others are going to do this too.. it makes me feel like she is still involved.. We are getting ready to clean and put up the tree, but I find myself procrastinating.. I know, just as I did on her birthday, and thanksgiving, that I am going to wake up on Christmas day without my daughter.. every day, as crazy as it seems, I pray this is all a bad dream and I will wake up to a new reality.. a reality with my son and my daughter.. but that is not real, and I will have to pray for peace to cover us, as we go to the dinners and parties and person short.. I will paste a smile on and act as though all is right with the world...but we'll know its not.. there is nothing at all right about a world where mothers and fathers are celebrating holidays without their children.. k.. I didn't mean for this to go into that direction, but it did, so I will end here and stop procrastinating and put up the tree..

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

in a weird place..

Lately I find myself in a weird place.. I am past the anger and the absolute worst kind of sadness I could have ever imagined..(mostly) and I am numb again.. I dread the holidays, but not to the point of overwhelming anxiety.. I can't say I am to acceptance, but I am coping I guess.. I think about her 24/7 and still have my moments.. and I just don't get it.. I am going to confess that I am a twilight junkie.. love all 4 books several times.. and watched the new movie 2 times in as many days..anyhow, I say that to say this.. there is a part when Bella is talking about Edward being gone and she talks about appreciating the pain, because it reminds her that he was real.. when she said that, I thought.. that is how I feel exactly.. I appreciate the fact that I miss her so much, and occasionally its too much.. she was here, she had an impact on me, and her daddy and brother, and so many more people.. My fear is that she will be others, by family, by everyone.. do they feel pain when they think about her too? have they forgotten her laugh? her smile? her griping? I can't imagine Jay and I ever losing those memories, but what about everyone else? Do you? Do you think about her? Do you miss her? Her name is being spoken less and kills me.. I don't want to be that crazy girl who talks about her dead baby all of the time, but I don't want to be that girl who is scared to say her childs name either..Please don't offer "maybe you need to talk to someone advice" I am aware.. thank you.. anyone else..please feel free to chime in.. other moms, dads, real life or blog world.. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts.. if you knew her, do you think about her? if not, and you've lost your child, do you think about this stuff? how do you cope?

that's the sleepy smile I miss.. you remember it?

Monday, November 23, 2009


I am so thankful for the few remaining friends that I have..

~who has been there with me 100% on this journey..she is my best friend, and my confidant.. she is my crying partner, and the best girl I could ever ask for. We skipped school together in high school, worked at the same daycare and wreaked havoc on our co-workers and is just more than I could ask for. She was there when Ella was born and there when Ella passed..during the night before Ella passed she had stayed with me at the hospital so Jay could come get the things we needed and bring Cayden back up the next morning.. she took care of Cayden after he got there, she took him for a walk outside and just loved on him until we could collect ourselves..She also let him stay with them while we were inpatient the several times before.. Cayden loves her, tony and Elizabeth as they were blood, and so do Jay and I..we are so thankful for Erin and Elizabeth and so thankful Tony now completes their family and make them so happy..its an answered prayer..

Amanda My childhood and still best friend! We started hanging out when we were about 12, she has been a constant in my life..she is the friend to look me in the face and tell me "you are wrong" she is so honest with me. I remember when we were early teens and went out to mexican and I ordered a burger and fries.. she tried to talk me into a burrito or just to try something different, and I refused..she made fun of me for this for years after.. and now mexican is my favorite!!(ironic) we laughed our teenage years away while talking to boys down the street..We got lost in Tulsa after she first got her drivers license..went to church together, and have been through so much.. she moved to California after her mom passed about 7 years ago.. we've been through the loss of a very good friend in high school, her mom (whom I loved so much and was my 2nd mom for as long as I could remember) shortly after high school and the loss of Ella.. She called me about a week before Ella passed and I remember just crying with her on the other side of the phone "she's not well, she is tired..I don't think we'll have her much longer" and though she was in california, I could feel her with me.. we have had our ups and downs, but she is my constant..she is my sister.

my cousin Amanda she is my cousin/sister, boogie nights watching(thanks to Reuben) , dr. Pepper searching, laughing til we cry and sleeping all day cousin/sister..her mom and my mom became best friend in jr high.. her mom then married her dad. (my uncle) She was an only child and all of my best childhood memories include her. We were not just cousins, but best friends all of her life.. I am so incredibly protective of her and miss her so much when we arent together.. We lived in California for a little while when I was in 3rd grade and I remember crying and telling my mom that I would die without Amanda..yes..die.. I was a little dramatic.. our reunion was a reunion of the ages..:) She has been all over the map with her schooling and I am so proud of her. Cayden has always loved her and clicked like a piece of a puzzle with her.. she doesn't even mind his constant chattering. Ella loved her, but was confused by her.. I don't know if she saw a resemblance in us or what, but she always stared at her with a puzzled look. I am so thankful for Amanda and her mom, Becky (whom I have discussed in passing before) I am thankful for the fun, laughs and everything else amanda brings to the table..

I have some more I may come in and add to here in just a bit, but I better get back to work for now.. so Keyla, Mandi and my SIL Jessica.. I am thankful for you ladies too.. for the love and support, and being there for me this past year.. hugs to you all!

Friendship Quotes

Thursday, November 19, 2009

six months...

six months of missing you..
six months of thinking of you every moment..
six months since I've heard your sweet voice..
six months since I touched your soft face..
six months since I kissed you..
six months since I held you hand..
six months since I played with your beautiful hair..
six months since you flew away..
six months since we left the hospital without you..
six months of feeling completely broken..

six months seems like an eternity and six months seems like just a moment..all at once..
either way I think of it, six months is too long without you...

Monday, November 16, 2009

To the people of pampers...

Thank you for the cutesy postcard and coupons, but to answer your question, toddlers leaky diapers are not causing me pain.. The fact that I have no toddler to even put diapers on is the source of my pain.

thank you for your concern.

Thankful for the sweet boy who supplied me
with all of the leaky diapers that
I could handle years ago.. I love you Cayden
and am so thankful for the great blessing that you are and
have always been!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

thankful part 1

The upcoming holidays have me in knots, but I have decided that instead of giving into the funk, that each post is going to be about or at least include 1 thing that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.. feel free to play along if you want.. here is my first..

I am so thankful for blogger friends like Holly for sending me this unexpected means alot to me, and it made me smile when I got it yesterday.. on a day I was having a hard time to even fake a smile..

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

October Secret Garden

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

We have been without our daughter for almost 6 months.. Nov 19th will be 6 months exactly.. I differ in my grief..some days are fine, I feel good, confident even..knowing that she got to skip this earth.. she will never know loss, pain, disappointment..all she knew was joy and love..and some days that is enough..Some days its not..some days I feel like I could just bury myself in all of my guilt, grief, sadness and the holidays approach I feel myself in this funk..I just can't shake it.. I paste a smile on when I need to and pretend my heart isn't breaking more and more every second..with every breath I take, its a cruel reminder that she isn't taking one.. I hope to find peace in the future..peace of mind and heart, not just on some days, but on all days.. I want to talk about her and smile and remember her and feel just about every time I talk about her, the tears just flow...

I know I am not alone in this is so much more than I would have ever imagined.. its everywhere..children.die....I have a few friends and family that have weathered the storm with us, new blogger friends that always encourage me.. but more than that.. I have a God that is bigger than us all, yet he still weeps with me.. despite the anger towards him, resentment that my baby was stolen from my arms.. I still love him and he still loves me..I know his plan/will wasn't to make us suffer on Earth without her, He will get us through this..I don't know when he will cover us with peace..right now is our time to grieve, and as soon as we are ready..he will give us the peace and comfort we need.. he is here and watching over me forever...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Ella in the stars...

My cousin Charity has a little boy that was born about 6 months before Ella..they were fast friends and she loved him and would "talk" to him all of the time.. and vice-versa..he would bring her toys and just be so soft and kiss her.. after she passed he would see me and say "where Elda?" and I would just tell him she was in heaven.. he was barely over a year old when she passed..and one night Charity and my mom were outside and Joey was blowing kisses to the sky..they asked who he was sending kisses to and he said "Elda..kiss Elda" (Elda is Ella in baby talk) and they said where is Ella? he said "stars" No one had ever talked to him about this, obviously since he was only a very young toddler.. he just knew..he still kisses the sky and kisses her pictures when he see's them.. he is so sweet and I just know she is sending kisses back to her sweet cousin.. this gives me goose bumps and sometimes makes me tear up when I think about it, especially when I talk about it.. He feels her presence.. I just love him so much...

I took some pics of the Joey's a couple of the cutie.. He will be 2 in March, but is so stinking smart..he talks better than most his age..just love him.. :) I guess his momma isn't so bad either ;)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

urgent request--

Please pray for sweet Gavin's family today and this weekend.. what an awful AWFUL disease..I hate what this family is going through..

***Saturday morning~ I just checked his blog and he is still physically just not letting go yet.. I can't imagine what they are all feeling..please lift them up and pray for Gavin to let his father take him home in peace..

Friday, November 6, 2009

Christmas card request for a sick little boy..

Hi All!
I just learned about a 5 year old boy named Noah Biorkman who is in the last stages of a 2 year battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and Noahs request is to get lots of Christmas cards.
Please let's make this little warrior's wish come true.
Send cards to:
Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, Mi 48178
Lets see how many cards
we can get together for this brave little boy.
Thank You and God Bless.
Please also consider posting this very urgent message to your blogs.

here is Noah's carepage..sign in and leave a looks like they have already celebrated, but lets keep it going!!keep ob sending them!

please pray

Please pray for sweet Gavin's family today and this weekend.. what an awful AWFUL disease..I hate what this family is going through..

Thursday, November 5, 2009

where we are right now..

Yesterday we went to the fertility specialist and had our "getting to know you" appointment.. He is a super nice guy..He is friends with Jay's uncle and is familiar with everything that has gone on.. we discussed our options..and here they are..

In-vitro with embryonic studies..just like IVF, except they send in the embryos and they are tested for the depletion and they will only implant the healthy ones..

artificial insimination and fertilization drugs .. Jay and I are both carriers and so each time we were to get pregnant there is a 25% chance of repeating the past year.. but BOTH parents have to be carriers..if we were to go to a bank or somewhere else for the "men's addition" the chances are very slim that they would be a carrier and would hopefully result in a healthy child..

I did tell him that we tried for several years to even get pregnant with Ella, despite clomid and other natural methods.. He then told me that I had probably gotten pregnant several times, and just miscarried without knowing it.. that often the embryos that have a genetic disposition will abort themselves early on.. it were possible to break happened.. I got in the car and just cried..I hate my body for making my daughter sick, I hate it for having this genetic "glitch"... I felt sad and sick all day..

Adoption.. we have not ruled this out completely.. I am confident that I could love another as my own.. it is a lengthy *yet worth while* process..and I love the idea of giving a child love and happiness that otherwise may not have a chance at it..

As of right now, we are pretty sure we know what we are going to do, but are still praying about it and trying to figure out what is right for us.. I know whatever we decide will have its own critics, I am not asking for opinions.. just prayers for the Lord to lead us in the direction that is right for our family and for us as we continue to grieve and are learning to cope with our new normal..

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

what I have learned from Ella

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
~ I never thought I could "make it through" the loss of a child..I never imagined having to actually do either..

I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice and time.

I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.

I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.
~this is so true, I HATE it when people say, well they don't know what to say or they don't want to upset you..A..there in no right thing to say, maybe print this out and give to them and B.. we are already upset..we buried our daughter..what could you possibly say to make it any worse? just be there..don't worry about what to say.. let us know you care..thats enough..

I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".

I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
*sigh..this is one of the hardest things I deal with..

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
Feb 2nd, 2009... a five minute phone call forever changed our lives..

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
8 months and 29 days with her, and we love her just as much as Cayden and/or any other future children..she is with us forever, even though she is not "with us" here..
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.

I just came across this and thought I would share.. i edited a few thing and took out a few since they did not apply to me, but for the most part its the same..

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Ella on my mind..

Ella is everywhere :)
~~Most baby lost mom's love to see their babies names written.. its just more proof they were here and proof about other people acknowledging their existence.. and I am no exception. I love to see her name.. I write it all over everything.. :)
Thanks so much to those who sent me her name and for thinking of us.. if you want to send me a pic email to and I will post here..

Jill took these beautiful pics for me, check out the rest over at her page Vermont angels
they are all so gorgeous..she does a great job :)

thanks to Lisa and Jonathan at Waterfall Angels..these are beautiful~

One of my favorite places on Earth to go, especially when I am feeling down, is Kirklands.. I love LOVE it..I don't even always have to buy anything..though I normally do.. it just calms me..its hard to explain..anyhow.. I was there this last week and saw these letters mixed together and had to spell her name out.. Ella was a great shopper when she was good and would just take everything in..she would have loved Kirklands too I think..

 Jen at the blue sparrow made this-Thanks so much! XO

 Tiffany at Names on the sidewalk did this one.. such a cute idea!

Thank you so much Michelle for thinking of us this Easter.. I love it..

Thanks Laura
Thanks so much Jaime!

Sent by Carly from Perth Australia
From Lea
From Fran
sent by Holly..

From Bree..
thank you Lana!

Here she is in Canada! Thank you Lisa

Thank you Heidi and sweet Jack!

Thank you Jennifer for thinking of us this Valentines day!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

once upon a time...

mommy was a little girl and celebrated Halloween too!
Chris, Me and my brother tom.....

Once upon a time, we had a perfect Halloween..
we adore Batman

and love and miss our bat girl...

Friday, October 23, 2009


A while back while Ella was still with us a friend I use to go to high school with had heard about Ella and what was going on. She messaged me and asked if I would mind talking to one of her friends who has a son that seemed to have alot in common with Ella.. naturally I agreed and became fast friends with Trish and her sweet family. Jace is her little boy and is so sweet and so happy.. just heart melting.. They have been unable to pin down a diagnosis for over a year.. he has been through so much in his short life, and has handled it better than any adult I know of :) Jace is thought to have a mitochondrial disease, just not sure what exactly it is yet.. they took him to see a specialist in Cleveland and are still waiting to hear back. They are meant to go back next month for a liver biopsy and then again in January for results.. I can speak for myself in saying the bills add up FAST.. and traveling on top of everything is just more of an expense.. Tomorrow, Saturday October 24, 2009, they are having a festival to raise funds.. I'll just post the info from his caringbridge site below..

Fundraiser Info!!!!!!
Owasso 6th Grade Center, Oct 24th 6p-9p
GARAGE SALE 8a-12p that morning in the parking lot...

Everyone is invited and encouraged to come out, eat lots of food :) have fun with the family and show your support for Jace!

Smokin' Bones BBQ, music, games, face painting, jupiter jump, costume contest, dessert auction and craft fair! Tons of amazing homemade items and goodies for sale....just in time for the holidays! A Pampered Chef rep. is teaming up with us, and a % of the sales will all go to help with Jace's medical expenses! There will be a link open for 1 month where you can place your order and help Jace at the same time....

Jace's caring bridge~ to catch up and see how Jace is doing now
Trish's boutique blog~ there is also a button on the side to donate to their paypal if you feel led. =)
pampered chef~ anyone can help!

I am working on making his button for the blog~ but haven't had time yet.. watch for it and feel free to share it on your page to help!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

2 blog awards..

Kristy has given me 2 awards! They are my first.. I feel so special :) thanks kristy!!

I was given an "Over The Top" award Kristy as the first..
I am supposed to answer the following 30 questions, with just one most know I am very "wordy", but I will try!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? up
3. Your mother? home
4. Your father? work
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? sad
7. Your favorite drink? Diet Mt dew (more than 1 word I know..)
8. Your dream/goal? being complete again (see above, I told you I would try)
9. What room are you in? Living room
10. Your hobby? none (anymore, just unmotivated)
11. Your fear? came true already..
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren't? complete
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Collinsville, Ok
18. Last thing you did? conference call
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? Molly
22. Friends? best
23. Your life? complicated
24. Your mood? sad
25. Missing someone? Ella
26. Vehicle? Liberty
27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
28. Your favorite store? hobby lobby
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? this morning
31. Last time you cried? 15 minutes ago
32. Your best friend? Godsent
33. One place that I go to over and over? walmart
34. One person who emails me regularly? kelsey
35. Favorite place to eat? carrabas

And of course I need to pass it on to other fellow bloggers. I'm not sure how many I am supposed to send it to, So I will just pick 10.. a nice round number :)

*Tami from "Angels"
*Malory from "mommy of an angel and ELHAS"
*Debby from "Just breathe"
*Nicole from "Missing Kasey"
*Amy from "Schroeder Matters"
*Holly from "Caring for Carleigh" and "Haas family blessings"
*Mandi from "Happy Hodgepodge"
*Erin from "peace, love, and the parks"
*Nan from "remembering our triplet angels "
*Stephanie from" Baseballs and Tutu's"

~next award is one lovely blog award

Thank you Kristy for the awards.. this blog started out as just something fun to do to let our friends and family in on our lives.. it turned into something I would have never imagined.. a baby lost blog and some of the other stuff.. it has been a very good outlet for me and has connected me with others that I would have never have known. It continues to heal my soul to read each of the blogs I follow..

Again I am suppose to give the lovely blog award to others, I am not even sure who all reads this blog, except the "commenters" so I just echo the names listed above for the other.. If you read this and I left you out, I apologize.. chances are if you are reading mine, I read yours :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesdays for Wyatt

This family lost their little boy 2 minutes after he was born and are working so diligently to get his life acknowledged.. he was alive for 2 minutes! breathing the same air.. though this may not seem like that big of deal, it is huge..As a mother who has lost a child, my one wish is that people will acknowledge that she was here.. that she was a real person and is a part of me.. no matter how long or how short the time spent together was..whether it is 8 months and 29 days or 2 minutes.. it matters..THEY matter to us..their please sign the petition, whether you live in Tennessee or still matters.. for the full story or to leave encouraging words visit their site..

Monday, October 19, 2009

5 months...

5 months later I am still here..sometimes I wonder how, but none the less still here.. yesterday I snapped.. I was mad, sad and everything all at once.. it was too much to handle..the stresses of everything else and then a huge bomb just imploded.. Jay is sweet for trying, but there are no words to make me feel better.. I want to know how to get from
A-feeling like I do now, just as though she just left moments ago, to
B-missing her, but having more good moments than bad, and eventually to
C- moving on with life, and being able to smile when I think of her, remember her.. when I don't feel as though I am rotting from the inside out.. I really need advice.. I know TIME heals.. time hasn't touched it in 5 months.. therapy? specific books?I know God has a plan and he will heal all the mean time...what about now? I left my job of many years, that I actually enjoyed, to work from home.. and KEEP her here with me... and now... I sit in an empty quiet house and am haunted by the memories..yes haunted.. they tease me of the good times we had with her.. and again, it should make me happy and I just can't feel it.. I am still soo stinking sad.. I have a hard time even talking about her now without tearing up, or even bawling.. my OBGYN walked in while I was being seen and said "How is little Isabella doing? getting big?" had no clue...I lost all cool I had about me.. he looked like he was about to cry.. the nurse walked in and she had tried to catch him and tell him, but he came in too fast.. I sat there looking like I was about to die.. its not his fault, but the way he said it.. the rest of the conversation should have been "oh yeah, she is good.. walking..blah blah.. but instead it was a scene from a nicholas sparks book/movie.. I cried all the way home and then some..(this was also the day after Jay's nanny passed away..) I am not the only one who lost her, who misses her, but I seem to be having trouble.. making peace, accepting? whatever it is I am suppose to do..How do I get from A to B and then to C? What do I need to do to be okay that my daughter got to skip this life and is in heaven..that is wonderful right? why is it so hard for me to be okay with it? if you don't normally comment, and have advice.. I am begging you to chime in if you have an idea..whether you have lost a child or not.. I am grasping here.. I need to be okay, really okay..not pasting on a fake smile okay, but I want so bad to be happy.. I need to be for my family.. they deserve more than a shell...

this is the Saturday before she passed..(on tuesday).. she was so tired.. I know she was ready to go home, I can see it everytime I look at the pics of her last few days, I am so thankful she is not having to feel bad, and is free and healed..someone please convince my heart that is should feel that way also...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

October 15, 2009

Today is pregnancy and infant loss day.. at 7 pm tonight, everyone is asked to light a candle of those babies gone too soon.. I know we don't need a candle to remember her.. we remember her with every breath we take.. But it is nice for the day to be recognized..

"When God sends forth a little soul
To learn the ways of earth
A mothers love is waiting there
We call this miracle birth
When God call back a tiny soul
And stills a fleeting breath
A fathers love is waiting there
This too is birth, not death."
~author unknown

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

babies, babies and more babies..

I love LOVE my friends.. blog world and IRL.. LOVE THEM.. so many are pregnant &/0r just having babies.. and I thank God all of the time for their health and the blessings of a new baby.. BUT it makes my heart ache at the same time.. It makes me think of how MUCH I want another baby.. I think about it, talk about it.. and then comes this huge guilt.. its too soon.. is it ever going to be an appropriate amount of time?? Do I unconsciously think this will heal my wounded heart? Is that even possible.. what if I were to have another? what if it was a girl? or a boy? would I be happy with either? and worse...what if the doctors are wrong or miss something.. what if I have another sick baby? I know there are test to determine if they are sick or not, but even if it were, I could not terminate a pregnancy.. I am not judging others, but for me, I just couldn't.. but I can't bury another child.. I barely made it through this.. I cannot do it again.. I am so thankful for Cayden and realized I am so blessed to have him.. but what about this ache saying I need it selfish? Jay and I both agree that we want another one at least.. we realize how precious life is.. we realized it before Ella, we wanted her so bad.. It just doesn't make sense she is gone.. just because we really want another, doesnt ensure we will have a healthy one, or one at all.. I feel like a jerk for my preggo friends and ones with new babies.. I don't mean to be a downer.. I love your babies and am so happy for you.honestly.. but I still miss mine.. and can't help be a tad bit envious.. please just give me time.. I'll get there..wherever "there" is...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

the funeral...

I been laying in bed for quite a while now, unable to sleep..Jay's Nanny passed away and her funeral is tomorrow... I haven't been to a funeral since Ella's.. And her's just keeps running through my mind.. the details are blurry..its so surreal.. I remember walking into the sanctuary before the service and seeing so many pink and white flowers, and many other assorted colors, plants, a little of everything.. the stage was covered.. there were a few people in that had arrived early, but pretty much empty still.. I walked in and saw her tiny casket..I turned and there was my brother in law Stephen.. I just fell into him weeping and said I can't do this... as if it was a choice... I walked back to where the family was being gathered while the other guests were being seated.. We were last to be seated.. front row..just the 3 of us.. tiny pink and white casket on my left.. I could feel the eyes just beaming at me, expecting me to lose it I guess.. I sat and did pretty well if I say so myself..then we played Ella's montage..Cayden buried his head in my arm and asked if he could leave.. I felt like leaving too, but we both stayed..I heard the weeping and sobbing from every single direction.. I heard my sweet niece Makayla sobbing and not even able to catch her breath directly behind me.. I struggled to find my own breath..I felt Jay's hand pat my back and rub a little, reminding me to inhale..The tears flowed freely, all the while, I still kept my cool..I had decided when she passed that I did not want to take anything to "help" me.. I wanted to feel it.. I needed to feel it.. the service ended in a flash.. the tiny casket that held my angel was opened and the people walked hysterics though.. my one rule was no hysterics.. I could not handle it.. one by one they came by..friends first as they exited this isle into they foyer.. family next, and back to their seats..then it was our turn..we all 3 walked up.. my baby in her Christmas dress...she looked like a porcelain doll.. I had spent time with her the day before, touching her, running my fingers through her hair.. I leaned down to kiss her clicked..don't will never see her on this earth again..I froze, my head buried in her casket..I wanted to crawl in with her.. I wanted to grab her and run like hell...Cayden ran towards the back of the church and out the doors.. he got sick from being so upset.. Jay raised me up a little and I crashed into him..I felt our pastor rub my back.. and say something..I was the hysterics.. I had an audience to witness the worst moment of my life.. an auditorium full of friends and loved ones, staring at me as I broke.. I don't even remember what I said, I know the words "I am not ready for this" came out several times.. I wish that I had brought something to help me at that point.. I needed to NOT feel this way.. I needed to NOT be there, I needed to be at HOME with my baby.. I honestly can't tell you what followed the next week or two.. I did not take anything to alter my mind..I just checked out for a few days.. I slept alot..cried alot.. and that is about it.. I will never in my life forget that feeling when I kissed her head..the moment it all clicked for me..the moment my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into a million pieces.. I've never liked funerals.. and now I certainly don't like them.. it makes me feel sad for the people that loved the deceased as much as I love Ella...

this is Ella in her Christmas dress.. right before she got sick..
I just miss her so stinking much...