Friday, December 31, 2010

maybe...

My uncle K passed away very suddenly a few months back. He was a good guy, funny, outgoing..Some in my family didn't know how to take him, I however though, adored him..I seriously have so many good memories of just laughing with him and him giving the best hugs, he was a big, tall man and when you got a K hug, it was a REAL hug, he'd pull ya in and you just felt okay. He is one of the few people I remember talking to after Ella died, and although he never lost a child, he just got it..he was like that I guess.. anyway, I never dream about anyone other than Ella from time to time, and never of any importance..but I just woke up and had the need to get this written down before I forget..I honestly don't know if I will even post it, but here is what happened.

I was standing on a white sand beach, I was the only one there. The waves were softly crashing into the beach, the sun was just rising. I remember thinking 'its a new day'. I heard some rustling down the way that grabbed my attention. I look over and there is my uncle K on the break of where the water meets the sand. He was picking up Christmas lights. I begin to walk toward him and he says 'Jen, it was awesome, you should have seen it!!' I look all down the beach and there are lights for miles..'but where??...how do you plug them in? how far do they go?" He just laughed and said simply..'it was so cool'.. I follow him as he continues to wrap the lights..'How is your aunt L doing?' he asked. 'I think she is okay, she got a new job...she is excited about it I think...She misses you...alot..' I stop and feel bad for a second because I was here with K and she wasn't..'I miss her, but she will be okay, its not like its the end of our story'. I was still a few feet back from him and had stopped in my tracks.. He turned around, as to make sure I was still there..his eyes met mine.. 'Have you seen her?' I finally get out..he smiles his big contagious smile and says 'She is perfect, she is so funny and actually reminds me alot of you'.. I catch his face as he looks out in the ocean..'Beautiful, isn't it?'.... 'Can I go? to see her? just for a little bit'..He looks at me and then looks down while kicking some sand around..'sweet heart, you know thats just not possible'..'Please, its been so long, and this is just so hard' I begin to cry, he pulls me close to him into a famous K hug, and says 'We were never promised it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.. trust me honey, its worth it'..I take a deep breath in, to try to compose myself..the smell was so sweet, roses, maybe vanilla? I don't know..I wipe my tears and pull back and as I look up I see that he is gone.. I look all around and there are no lights, no sight of anyone else..or that anyone else had been there at all..just me on the beach alone.. I look back and just my footprints are there.. and in my heart and head all I can hear is his deep voice saying 'trust me honey, its worth it'..I look out at the beautiful sunrise over the ocean, smell of sweetness still lingering..'I hope so..' I say in a whispered voice.. and then wake up..


I laid in bed, trying to get back to sleep..maybe my dreams would take me back there..no luck..I hopped up fast, wanting to tell someone.. now that I typed it all out, hopefully I won't forget it.. I am not much of one for signs or symbolism.. but my heart has been so heavy lately.. and to have this dream on the morning of New years eve...that is something.. tomorrow marks a new year..'a new day'.. We have our new hope in LM, so maybe, just maybe.. 2011 will be kind to us.. or at least kinder than 2009 and 2010 have been.. maybe I won't waste 2011 drowning in self pity..maybe I will look at each day and strive to make it better than the last..maybe I will work on patience, maybe I'll work on the faith part of my faith based religion.. maybe I will find acceptance or at least some tiny bit of peace about what's happened...

If you are reading this, I wish nothing but the best for your new year.. from the words of Oprah Winfrey 'Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right'...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

on repeat...

I don't know if its the holiday blues or what, but its been rough. I am so thrilled with all I have been blessed with. Everything with LM seems to be cruising right along, Cayden is doing wonderful, my life is on track and heading in the direction I want it to go.  I can think of Ella and smile, I visited her grave today and didn't cry. I did leave ((again)) thinking of how ridiculously unfair it is that she is gone. I still feel so sad and damaged. I thought of how one day my pain will be less, it is more tolerable already, but one day, will it be gone? And then I felt guilty, without the pain, how will I remember her? No one ever told me about the waves of grief being on repeat..I went through them all, just as I read and expected, but how many cyles do I go through? forever?  another year?
LM is 8 months and 28 days old today. Tomorrow morning at 8:45am, she will be older than Ella ever got a chance to be. I have irrational crazy thoughts about stuff happening today or tomorrow to her, as if I have some sort of cut off and my daughter can not exceed 8 months and 29 days. Its crazy I know, I know LM is fine, healthy and perfect.. I hate that I always have fear of losing her.. I try not to let it interfere with enjoying my 'now' time with her, and most of the time I do fine. .its just that dang quiet time that always gets to me.. when I worry about everything from losing Lm to forgetting Ella..

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas...

I have been trying to get everything done here that needs to be done before Christmas and I just cannot muster up the motivation. I keep thinking Christmas won't come and I will have no reason to miss her more on another 'special day' I have been racking my brain and I for the life of me not remember anything about last Christmas. I guess I was still in my zombie/fog phase.  My mom is coming over today and hopefully (with the help of 5 hr energy) going to get me over the hump. I am excited to see LM open presents and to see her new toys, and I know C will be thrilled with everything he gets. I feel like I should be happy and ready to go and in the holiday spirit, because I do have so much to be thanful for. I am grateful for all I have, my husband, family, friends and 2 beautiful kids here with me, and my gorgeous daughter who I was blessed to have for the time we did. I do have more good moments than bad, but it seems like in the midst of joy, I get a little stinging pain reminding me to not forget..as if that is possible..


anyway we took LM to see Santa.. it was an experience..thats for sure :)  I don't know that I will be on between now and Christmas so wanted to tell everyone to have a merry Christmas..I am praying for all of my sweet BLM's and other friends this holiday season..xoxo

Monday, December 13, 2010

8 months!

((this is a little late, but I wanted to have record, so here I go)

8 months old and here is all you can do!

you scream DADADADADA and LALALALA all of the time.. we try to get you to say mama, but you are a defiant little soul :)

you crawl so fast all over the place, I tease that you crawl like Gullom from lord of the rings, you use your right leg to move you and your left is on stand by incase you need to stand quickly, its quite hilarious to watch..

You pull up to everything and always seem so proud of yourself, you look around to make sure we have seen you and smile with those big beautiful dimples!

you are feeding yourself some, we started with puffs, and now you are a pro! you love shredded cheese, scrambled eggs and anything else you can put your little fingers on.. Molly also loves that you are sharing with her so much..

You love 'yo gabba gabba' every morning you sit in the high chair and eat breakfast and watch one episode when I get ready for the day. you clap and sing and say 'yaaaaayyyy' the entire time..

you are 21.8 lbs and tall and very lean! Most clothes are 12 months and fit you pretty well! your hair grows longer every day, I love to put it in pigtails and bows.

you don't sleep through the night, you wake up once, sometimes twice. I don't mind though, I secretly am relieved to hear you over the monitor, I get to check on you and make sure you are okay or give you a bottle. I love rocking you while you sleep..just me and you in the quietest of quiet.. you sleep snuggled up breathing in my ear as I thank God for you and pray to keep you forever..

On Dec 31, 2010 you will be 9 months old, 2 days older than Ella, I am anxious to see what 9 months looks like on a little girl, I see little pieces of her when I look at you, even though you are not blood related, you are sisters. C has said from day one that you were sent as a blessing via Ella's request.. to make us happy again. And that you do baby girl.. The thought of all 3 of my babies fills my cup...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

inconceivable...

Her worker called and I waited til last minute to pick up the phone. I was so afraid of bad news. She said 'they are terminated' and I began to weep. I couldn't even get a word out..finally, I was able to spit out 'thats wonderful'..she told me that a worker from another county came and testified about their history and losing the previous 3 children. The D.A presented evidence they had and she told her findings. They have 30 days to appeal the decision, but the court appointed lawyer withdrew when the parents no showed, so they would have to pay for their private attorney, and if we are being honest, what are the chances of that? and even if they were to appeal, the judge was very much in favor of LM's best interest, which do not include her bio-rents.

I spent most of last night and earlier this morning thinking of how we, as a family, would get through losing her. I psyched myself out by expecting things to not go in our favor. I still am half way expecting a 'but wait..' sort of call..Her worker said that they have to make sure all immediate family has been notified and given a chance, ((which she said they have been, more than once)) and that an adoption worker would be contacting us. I feel like I have just given birth in a strange sense, I feel like she truly belongs to me now,  I feel hopeful.. and I havent felt this happy, truly happy in 2 years..joy? what is that?? I just don't know what to do with it.. "welcome back old friend, stick around a while"... She didn't come from my body, and its nothing I would have imagined, but she is my rainbow, she is my beauty from the pain..she is our new hope...

Monday, November 29, 2010

should be so easy..

Walking through hobby lobby today seemed like a simple enough task before I left this morning..I was wrong. Let me start by telling you the whole story of my crash course to a broken heart day.

Little Miss came to me with only her newborn vaccinations ((there was no record of birth,medical history, or anything)) so the emergency foster parents had taken her in got the first, and I was to continue getting her caught up. Well every time we had an appt, it turned into a sick visit, i.e. ear infections, flu, and another ear infection. So today was the day. 9:30 this morning we arrived. Taken to the very room Ella received her vaccinations and first visits..(I am a freak and remember all of our past room numbers)  The doctor did the exam and visit, she clung to my neck and pushed him away for the most part. Nurse came in with 3 shots (5 vaccines) She has me lay her down and hold her arms.. I literally flashed back to Ella and felt an instant anxiety attack...'please, just hurry' is all I could get out..she pokes her fast and LM starts screaming, I am still flashing back and forth, feeling like I am about to lose it.."she is okay, mom" the nurse said..she had no clue what was happening in my head..I sit and rock her and compose myself and get her calmed down and leave the clinic.. I take her to my moms for a bit (I had a few errands and she was beyond tired already) and run to hobby lobby for a few items..

I got fabric I needed and headed to get some stuff for Ella's grave. I walked up and down and up and down the same aisles over and over.. I could feel my heart beating through my skin. All I could think of is how I am buying decor for my daughters grave..my. daughters. grave...that doesnt even sound natural, right?! so many flowers and options, I couldn't do it.. and the sad dreary christmas music.. what the crap? I hate Christmas music, but if you're gonna play it, speed it up, play something jolly for Heavens sake.. anyway, I hopped over a few aisles and walked aimlessly through the Christmas stuff. I picked up a few more things and promptly left.

My heart by this point had to be in a million pieces..at least. I kept thinking of Christmas 2 years ago, when we had her..she was perfect. she was happy. and we had no clue what was going on inside of her tiny body. I wish I could be haunted by the ghost of christmas past and take me back to then.. to see how happy and naive we were.. saying things like "next christmas she will be old enough to ....*fill in blank*.. I honestly thought since we made it through last years holiday season that this year would be easier.. but its not..it hurts more because its not so fresh, seems so long ago..and  because so often I look at people and wander if they still think about her.. do they remember how cute she was in her Christmas dress?  probably not..and that sucks..

 all 3 of these are from Dec 2008.
this was her excited face, always made us crack up!!!

Christmas dress on Christmas day, this is also the dress we buried her in..
 daddy and Ella in Branson, she loved the lights and did awesome the entire trip for being so stinkin' cold!!


LM has one visitation scheduled this week and her bio parents are due in court next week.. hopefully something is determined at that point.. because what we are doing now, is not good for her. the back and forth..or for us.. I pray the judge see's that the parents continue doing the same things that caused them to lose her as well as the other 3 previous children.. they don't show for over half of the visits, and aren't doing any of the work to prove themselves as fit parents.. I pray they don't show up and just lose their rights.. or that they just see how good she is doing and agree to sign over.. but it is so hard to be optimistic.. I have complete faith that God's will for her life will be done, as well as ours.. unfortunately I am very much aware that God's will doesn't always coincide with ours... so we'll see..if you pray, please pray..if not, maybe think of good vibes and send them our way in the next few weeks..

sorry to dump this today.. I haven't blogged alot lately.. everything is seeming so heavy.. stress over LM and her pending status, the stress of our daily life without Ella.. Its funny how you always assume things will be one way when you grow up. House, husband, job, 2 kids and 1 dog..we were so dang close.. you would think it all would just come so easy.. no one tells you that chances are you will have to fight like hell just to get the 'simple things'..ugh...Please oh please, just let this work out..

me and C with our new hope..


Monday, November 15, 2010

angry eyebrows...

Cayden use to watch Veggie tales all of the time, I will always remember one specific episode about angry eyebrows, yeah you guessed it, it was about letting go of anger.. seems like a simple enough concept right? The past week or so, I'm pretty sure I have been sportin' these brows.. I have just been angry and resentful..for no real reason I guess.. nothing major has happened. We still are trucking right along..  We had a visit with the bio parents Friday, it was super craptastic. We sat down and figured out visits for the next 3 weeks, and then we will see what happens in court and if we need to schedule more.. ((praying we don't!!) They had missed the 2 visits before that one, the mom showed up Friday, and we schedule another for today since our SW has court later this week. They once again no show..so 3 outta the 4 they couldn't get it together enough to show.. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly fine with them proving their imcompetence as parents over and over.. however, I am not confident in the court system, that even though they have essentially done nothing since losing her *or their 3 other kids in fact, I worry they will just hand her back. We love her and would take wonderful care of her..forever. Here is where the anger kicks in though.. I will clarify first that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LM and will never ever regret taking her, but it seriously pisses me off that we are going through this. It pisses me off that our daughter is gone, and I would die for another hour with her and they can't find time to awaken from their drunken stuper to even see her. It pisses me off that I don't know what is going to happen with her, with us..it pisses me off that I worry about losing her to her parents, to death...why can't I just have a normal thought process.. this is my daughter and she will be here in my home until she goes to college..it pisses me off that others all around me have babies, kids and are pregnant and it seems as they have no worries or concerns..they appear to be happy and normal...I just want that.. not to worry about things like what if she ends up back with her parents and turns into a replica of her mother? A very stereo typical black out raging drunk indian..yeah way to be oringinal.. loser. What if they send her back to them and we fall apart, can we handle such a loss? my heart tells me yes, I know we've been through the deepest of valleys, and while it would suck beyond everything, we would get through it.. worse though, what if something terrible happens to her? barf.. so there I am pissed that I am not normal.. I am pissed that all we've wanted for 6 yrs was for our family to be complete, and for 9 months it was, and now, its at risk again from being torn from our fingertips.. so.close... I keep praying for the lord to be gentle, to please let something go in our favor for once..Jay said the other night 'I know she makes you happy, but my worry is if they take her, that you will fall apart again..'  My thought is how can I fall apart when I am still so obviously broken? I think that loving her has helped me put back together myself, little bits at a time. I know I smile more, I love another child that isn't from my body, and that is comforting to know.. I know right now, we have her next week and the week after, so let me love her as if its going to be forever, because quite frankly, isnt that what she needs the most?  If she gets taken back, we will cross that bridge, but for now, I need to hang on to what I have in this moment..and more importantly what she needs in this moment..

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

paranoia will destroy ya..

The other night/early morning I had a dream, although at the time I didn't realize it was a dream. I heard a strange sound over the monitor that sounded like a water hose was going, I walked into the room and the humidifier was spitting huge amounts of water into the crib, I had just turned on the bathroom light, so it was dark, the water was standing and I could see blankets floating, I reached down and grabbed her up and she was cold and gone, I started crying and screaming NOT AGAIN!! NOT AGAIN!!Please not again.. I woke up soaked from the tears and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I check on her, and she is dry and in the bed and the humidifer is only sending out steam.

Next night, it was a little cool in the house, but I kept it that way so LM wouldn't get too warm and cause a coughing attack((still sick)). It was the night of the time change, so I expected her to wake up between 12:30 and 1:30am for a bottle. I woke up at 3:30 and realized she hadn't made a sound. I turn on the hallway light and walk in. She is lying as still as can be, and because her jammies are a little loose, I can't see her chest moving. I stick my finger in her hand and she doesn't squeeze. I touch her face and it was cool, she didn't open her eyes or move her face at all.. No, no, no, no, no, no is all I can remember thinking. I pick her up fast and she just melts into me, not making a sound, I pull her out a little and shake her (just once and not hard) she looked up at me as though I were insane. I sat in the rocker and started to cry..I kept thinking and wandering if I was going to be this way forever.. I was doubting my sanity, should I even be allowed to care for a baby? I changed her, fed her and rocked her back to sleep, holding her for well over an hour. I laid her back down, turned up the heat, and went to my bed and laid there, I think I fell asleep right before the alarm went off.

I realize she is 7 months old, and will eventually sleep through the night, sometimes not making a sound..its what most parents beg for right? So why does it make me turn into some sort of neurotic and paranoid freak of a person? Ella was sick. She fought for almost 5 months. It was not sudden..I will never forget what it was like holding her when she was gone..It is my worst fear to have that happen again..to hold a child I love when they are cold.. I do not walk around worrying she will pick up germs while crawling, I don't worry about this sort of thing all of the time, but when it does happen, it certainly makes me question whether I will ever be normal again..will I ever NOT be paranoid that something bad is right around the corner?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Joy 2.0

The truth is I have been seriously doubting if I would ever have joy again.. joy from with-in type of stuff, soul glowing through my eyes type of joy..I knew whether I had no more kids or a million that it would never be the same..not without her..
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and had a nice weekend with some great friends.. We laughed like we use to, like we meant it.. I had 2 kids with me again.. I saw Cayden with little miss, showing her all of the fun stuff, and there at the pumpkin patch it happened..it started as a little flicker..the I saw her with Jay, he was holding her, she was laughing and clapping all day. She loved being with us, she loved being with the other kids. I picked her up after she was 'getting me' and she grabbed my face and leaned her forhead to mine and met eyes and she smiled and then slimed me with a big kiss...my heart will always yearn for Ella, I will always imagine her with us. Our friends have a 2 year old girl and I could imagine her and Ella running around playing together. Truth is though, she is running around playing, she is not alone, she has all of her other friends that were taken too soon to keep her company..At the pumpkin patch though, the joy crept up and took over. Its not the same joy as it was 2 years ago, but a new adaptation of joy..joy 2.0?

This was an accidental pic, we were trying to get one of her face when being tossed up, I about deleted it and thought 'wait, that is kinda perfect'


She is not from us, her DNA is not the same as Caydens, mine or Jays. I don't know for sure if we will have her this time next year.  I don't know if we will have her 3 months from now. I hate it that others are stand-offish for her in fear that they will 'get attached' and then if they leave it will cause too much pain. Would I like to keep her forever, yes more than anything. Will it suck if her parents donors get her back, heck yes, we will fight like hell to keep her, don't doubt that..but the reason we decided to go this route of foster/adoption is because we needed to help those who needed us as much as we do them. She knows us as her family and she is ours..she needs love, she needs a family, she needs all of the things we have to give.. if these kids in foster care didn't need more than that, they'd stay in group homes, shelters and 'orphanages' She needs a mom, a dad and a brother. She needs grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins..I also keep thinking about these people that are reserving attachment for a later date, what if it takes years to know anything for sure? what if we get to keep her and they've missed out on so much because we aren't sure how long we get her.. Lets be real, even if she were to come from my body, there are no guarantees..I have a list of blogs of people who never imagined their children would not be with them.. If I were to have another baby, I can't imagine not attaching to them because they could be sick, or SIDS could happen, or accidents could happen. If that were the case, we'd never attach to anyone.. we'd be alone in our own spaces.. Could you imagine not having your attachements? your kids, your spouse, parents? I can't even fathom it. I love her like I am going to keep her forever, I am her mother and I would do no less for any other child... she needs me and I need her.. whether I end up hurt or not, I will never regret it..I don't regret falling desperately in love with Ella, and losing her about killed me.I'd do it over and over again if I needed to.. she is worth it, so worth it..same with little miss..totally and completely worth it..

Friday, October 29, 2010

more randomness...

Like the new blog design, I gave my self a birthday present of a new blog makeover! Franchesca always does such a great job! I love it! go check her out if you are in need of one!


Cayden got back from his cruise Sunday. It seems as though a good time was had by all. Little Miss was so excited to see him, she reached over and grabbed his face and started pulling his hair.. it was cute, he seemed just as happy to see her too, he resisted from pulling her hair though ;) 

a pic of him with a mexican dancer..that term doesn't really seem PC, but I guess its okay since Carnival put it on the boarder? I dunno..


We had visitation yesterday and the parents didn't show up. Apparently having it rescheduled last week caused mass hysteria and they forgot about it. Oh and they moved again. Conveniently after the SW told them she would need to come out and inspect their home. so yeah..that was convenient..So after waiting 20 minutes her worker comes and says we can leave, and she comes over to do her monthly diaper change observation and little mini inspection. It was pretty uneventful.. she is nice enough, but sometimes I really wish we had someone a little older, more experienced.. thats alright though. Little miss jumped and played and gave me some sloppy sweet kisses when the worker was here. It was almost as she were saying 'LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM!!'  love her so much...


My 30th was good. Went to eat at Olive garden with my BFF and enjoyed some peach tea..mmmm! and that pm we went to Jalepeno grill with my MIL and FIL and had some yummy fajita's. So I did get a day off of cooking! My mom brought over a blue berry pudding cake which I had a small piece of before falling into a food coma.. Tonight we are going to Dave & Busters with some friends. I am glad to be going, a little disappointed that a few people aren't going for this or that reason, but I should not really be surprised, it happens..and our history has proven it over and over. We go to stuff, if one can't go the other goes, even when it was hard on us after losing Ella, we went to parties, showers, etc.. If its for someone I care about, we make an honest effort to go, and it sucks that people that are suppose to care about us don't make it a priority. ((This rant is about more than my Bday party, its about benefits and things we've done and much more I won't go into)) I will say this though, for every one person that lets us down, we have two that more than make up for it, we are more than blessed with some super fantastic friends and family!


I think it goes without saying that I am a little down lately, I feel stressed and anxiety ridden again.. I think it has to do with the holidays coming up, just a few weeks is Thanksgiving and a little after that is Christmas. I can't believe that we are entering another holiday season without her. It seems as though one would think it would get easier each season, but apparently this season is not the one to let up..I look at my beautiful family and all that we have and realize I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and son, and now a sweet baby girl that loves me more than anyone else.. I am not trying to discredit this at all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and am so thankful, but I can't help by wander if I will ever again feel 'normal'..when (if) we adopt little miss and its final, will I feel complete? or will this ache in my chest be there forever reminding me of what we lost..People suffer, people lose babies, kids all of the time...and they seem so normal, so happy..are they faking or is it true, and if it is true, how do I get there? I just miss her...
I can't believe this was 2 years ago..Here is a video of Ella griping while waiting for her doctor to come in at about 8 weeks old..We do have more video, but it hurts so bad to watch it..anyone else experience this? I can handle pics, but videos feel like I am having my heart torn out of my chest..anyway, be sure to turn the music off below..

Monday, October 25, 2010

The new and improved 30??!

So it is no big secret that I will be turning 30 tomorrow ((aka 29.01)) I will admit that for so long 30 seemed so old, so far away and now its staring me in the face. I remember always saying that I will not have any kids after 30. When I was pregnant with Ella, I told Jay that if we were to have another one, I would have to get pregnant when Ella was about 18 months. that would make me 30 and then we could be done.  The age thing doesn't make me sad, but I feel like I am looking at this open book wandering where we went wrong? Why aren't things the way that we planned them. I have made lists, timelines, and agenda's since I was a teenager. I love to have order, to know exactly what is going to happen and when. First it was the infertility issue after Cayden, my plan was to have another when C was 5. Finally got pregnant and had Ella when he was 8. A little off schedule, but we can work with it. She dies when he is 9 and I am back to square 1. We now have little miss, and things are never certain with foster care, or so it seems. Things are said about if we get the go ahead and can adopt her, and I would love nothing more than to keep her forever and ever. But even if we did get the 'go ahead' I think I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing has gone as planned so far, so why would it now? I hate thinking this way.

The thirty I wanted was way different than the thirty I am getting.. I want and still have a wonderful family and friends, a fantastic husband and son that I would do anything for. My 2 year old daughter is absent. I walk around with a partially broken heart 24/7. I have random bouts of sadness that over come me with out warning. Things I have that I would have not imagined though, an even closer bond with my husband and son after the loss.. We decided early on that we were not going to be the family that falls apart, but the one that falls together after tragedy. We have a beautiful baby girl who can make us smile and laugh when we are having the worst day. Although we do not know what the future holds, we do know that we are helping, we are making a difference in her life and any other lives that are placed in our care. We are making the most of our lives, we love deeper, we have patience and strength that we never thought possible. My days of order and plannning have gone out the window, I have embraced the chaos, I am finding my new normal, and I am learning to love every minute of it.

I think its funny to step back and look at our lives, to see what we wanted vs what we have, or what God wanted for us, what God has planned for us. I still hold tight to the fact that nothing will ever be worth losing Ella, but I am now seeing a little bit of what is meant for us, and that's not so bad either..
I've shared this verse a million times, so what is 1 more time.. psalms 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Much of my twenties were spend in sadness and conflict, so here is to the new and hopefully better thirties..

what I wouldn't give to go have a heart to heart with the 18 year old Jen..The things I would prepare her for, the heart ache I would warn her about...and the moments I would tell her to soak in and enjoy as much as possible.


P.S
I just saw this preview on facebook and wanted to share ((after watching it several times)), I have a huge lump in my throat and felt like I was about to cry. The conversation about God needing another angel did me in. I am certain I have had that exact conversation before. I am sure I will cry the entire time, but I do plan on watching it. Hopefully this sheds some light on child loss, and how as parents we 'deal' with it..Be sure to silence the music at the bottom of the blog.

Friday, October 22, 2010

pray for Morgan

This is Morgan Gain, she is 4 years old and up until 2 weeks ago, was playing, running and being a typical 4 year old. They had been approved and were planning a trip to Disney for her make a wish trip. Her moms name is Dasa, and I feel so incredibly bad for the rest of thier family. In March 2010, they lost Mikayla at 5 yrs old to Alpers (a very aggressive type of mito). Same as her sister, healthy and one day the seizures took over.. Morgan is in an medical induced coma and they are trying to let her rest and see if her seizures ease or subside. The EEG is not looking very good, and unless a miracle is provided, they will have some tough decisions to make soon..please please pray, send good thoughts, do whatever it is that you do.please..


Saturday UPDATE from Dasa!
They decided to go down on the pentobarb a little more...Her eeg is looking better today~!!! It's a slow process, but she'll be waking up in the next day or two!!! PaPaw said he's letting maddie sleep in but then bringing her in just a bit. : ) Thank you all for the prayers and...

Monday, October 18, 2010

randomness...

I really have nothing original to say for the ICLW for this month, so if you are new to my blog, start in the tabs above, working left to right and you will see where we've been, and where we are now and where we hope to be in the future.. can't wait to hear from you!


Cayden has left on a cruise to to Jamaica (and a few other stops) with his Granny and Papa and Nana and a ton of other family. I am so excited for him to go and have such wonderful memories made with his grandparents. However, I am a bit sad at the same time that I am not with him to experiece these 'firsts'  He called when they arrived Saturday evening, so excited that he got to walk in the ocean.. We talked for a little while and once he was off the phone, the tears came flowing..I have never been away from him for 8 days. Jay recently started a new job and could not ask off and we couldn't take little miss with us, and I certainly did not want to leave her that long, so it was not an option for us to go with him..so we'll see how I am feeling by the end of the week.

Little miss is feeling better, still not sleeping through the night, and she is almost 7 months old (shouldn't she be?) She is a little high maintenace, and makes it hard to get stuff done at times, but she is an absolute joy to have. Last night she dropped her binky and Jay said 'uh ohh' and she repeated it! she claps her hands when we sing patty cake, she jumps when we say 'jumpy jumpy jump!" and she dances when we say 'my name is ___ and I like to DANCE!!!" she gives huge open mouth sloppy kisses and hair pulling hugs and we love it! She however will not let Jay rock her to sleep because she thinks his job is to play and have fun, so I am not really sure what to do about that, but its not really a big problem. She has visitation once a week with her parents and so far does pretty well. They go back to have a non jury trial the week of Dec. 6th, so I guess at that point we will find out whats going to happen with her. Luckily, no more of her family or friends have tried to get custody anymore. Her worker says she thinks that they tried their 'cream of the crop' and they didn't pass..soooo..we'll see...some days I just know it will all work out, and others it seems like its too good to be true..

Sometimes I think about taking another one, maybe a toddler, but its just not logical for us right now..my  mom keeps her so I can get some work during the day, and to add another one on top of it is asking a bit much I think..not to mention our poor little jeep would be jammed packed.. I guess it all stems from my "trying to save the world complex" I think I would be a child hoarder if I had unlimited time, money, space and other resources..

soo..I was following a couple blogs that are now private, so if you follow us and have a private blog, shoot me an email and I will follow you((if you want))  I also need to update my roll call blog list thing..if you follow me and I don't have your blog added, leave me a comment and I will work on adding/editing in the next few days. I have some friends/family IRL that blog, BLM's, mito fams and now foster/adoption fams, so I will figure out how I want to list..hmmm...  I have attempted to comment on several blogs and for whatever reason, it won't let me use my google sign on, some I can use the open ID, but some it wont? anyone else having issues?

still with me? this is a incredibly random post, but I guess life is pretty random :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

remembering today and always...

where ever you may be @ 7pm your time, I ask that you light a candle for Ella and all of those taken too soon.. if you can, take a pic, tag me on fb, email or txt me the pic, we'd love to see the night glow for our sweet babies..



Baby girl,
I can't believe its been almost 18 months since I've held you, it seems like it was just yesterday. The news guy came out and talked to me today about you, he asked me my favorite memory of you, My favorite memory is my saddest memory too, it was while we were at the ER and you were seizing and I couldn't get you to stop, so I held you close to me and you reached up and played with my hair and smiling, your tiny body was causing such a mess, but your sweet spirit was so much stronger.. I of course would have been a blubbering mess trying to explain this moment, so I simply said , Her smile and her laugh...
You and I have something special princess, and I can't wait to feel that again one day..love and miss you more than any words could ever express...xo~ mommy

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

zofran...or was it crack??

This week has been rough, like real rough. The baby started sleeping alot Saturday, I even said to my mom 'I hope she is not coming down with something' ..Saturday night, she vomited, had very watery diapers and was dry heaving.. Sunday she slept all day again, not eating anything to speak of, and woke up Sunday night/monday morning from 3-6:30am wanting to play and watch yo gabba gabba..I didn't feel great but figured I was just tired from our middle of the nights playfest. Monday day, she was still not eating, vomited a few times, so I took her in and she was diagnosed with the flu. She was the first confirmed case at the clinic and the youngest case the doctor has ever seen. Awesome. I love breaking records. Monday night, she is up every 2 hours or so, miserable, tired, hungry, snotty.name it, she experienced it..I got up Tuesday and had it all..my head was throbbing, my stomach was in knots, I was sick.. My mom kept the baby and Cayden Tuesday and I was banished to my room. When Jay came home, he brought me 7up and some egg drop soup..(boy do I love him!) He then instructed me to go back to bed and not to be around him because he didn't want it..(ahhh kindness <3 lol).. I don't blame him, I don't want him to get it either..its not that all men are babies when they are sick, ..actually...well.. yeah... that is it..nevermind..

I sleep pretty much all day between puking my guts out and freeeeezing my rear off.. Last night I took some zofran and went to sleep ((after the finale of teen mom of course, thats another post)) this is where I begin to think I took crack instead of zofran. I woke up with crazy dreams, CRAZY.. my first dream I took a pregnancy test, and it kept flashing in neon 'pregnant' and 'not pregnant' like one of those sleezy 'girls girls girls' signs..and in my head "I thought I must be pregnant with a sick baby"..what?! because that makes sense. So I wake up, (not pregnant btw) and back to sleep I go. We are on some sort of commune/camp/ M. Night 'The village' type place and there is a mountain with a path on top of it with caves in it. Apparently my commune is about to be attacked and we must scatter, I tell all the children and women with babies to go hide on the back of the mountain, behind the trees onto the clearing (which is exactly like the Twilight clearing) and I stay down and help hide people and lock doors, etc. I head up the mountain with Jay and we get to the clearing where some EWOK/Minnonite/monk people come out of the woods proclaiming they were sent from God and will protect the mountain, but all that are in our village will face certain death, but because they are saved and protecting their land and families that they will for certain go to Heaven, so don't feel bad for them..So I can see the enemy getting closer and I start to run towards the village down the path, Jay and a couple of EWOK/Minnonite/monks chase me about half way and tell me I must be ON TOP of the mountain for protection.. I exclaim how I don't want the protection, I want to be in the village, so I can go to Heaven, and they are pulling me to the top and I am screaming "I want my baby! I need to see her! I need to hold her!! I NEED MY BABY!!!!" and I wake up this mornig with tears in my eyes and thinking next time I will stick with the pepto, because apparently zofran messes with my head...oh and I watch too much TV..star wars meets Twilight meets the village, yep only in my head...

Monday, October 4, 2010

tears of sadness, tears of joy...

I had a dream of Ella, actually 2 of them this morning..The first was healthy 2 year old Ella at some sort of family gathering, running, playing and being perfect..the first dream kind of evolved into the 2nd..Same family gathering, kids running and screaming, people laughing, change of Ella, I was sitting on the stairs holding her in my lap, 2 years old and sickly.. someone walked by and asked if we were okay and I said yes, and I must have dozed off, because I dreamt she were healthy..I looked down and her tiny frail face and told her I was still so thankful to have her with me, even if she couldn't do all of the things the other children were, and she smiled... and I honestly woke up half expecting her to be here..tears filled my eyes before I could even open them, my heart was heavy and I was again short of breath from the shock that she is gone..Its been a little 13.5 months and still seems so fresh at times..

This is a day where I would have called it a loss. Jay was gone, Cayden gone..just me..in the quite again.. I can't handle days that start off with such heart ache. I laid in bed for a few minutes.. listening to the fan and I took in a deep breath of the morning air..cool autumn air to be exact..I then heard over the monitor 'dadadadadadada..ahhhhhhh..dadadada' yep..she's awake and ready to get the day started. It is not an option to lie in bed all day.I got up, wiped my face and walked into a nursery where there was a baby, a precious baby smiling at me and let out a squeel that would wake up the neighbors..once again I began to cry, but good tears this time.. At that moment, everything was re-affirmed. We will never have Ella back while on this Earth, but we are still needed and wanted, by Cayden and by this sweet darling and adorable baby.. I love that we are helping her, and I am delighted at the joy she has brought and blessing that she has been to help mend our broken hearts.. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and he will bring us Joy when we need it the most, in our darkest hours, and this morning, that joy was in the form of a 6 month old brown haired baby girl.. how I adore her...

Thursday, September 30, 2010

wow..this woman is amazing..

So I saw this on my friends facebook page and absolutely had to share..Remember this post when I talked about what I feel strongly about? Well this is my blog and I am sharing something I feel strongly about.. 7.5 months pregnant and her mother was going to abort..30 weeks pregnant..wow..how is that not considered murder? It baffles me, when so many of us our here would do anything to have a 30 week pregnancy and end with a healthy baby..and so many just get thrown away like yesterdays garbage..its so heartbreaking.. I am very much prolife and I do not apologize for this, care to get into a debate, again..my blog..my thoughts..I try not to shove my political views down my readers throats, but this is an issue that needs to be addressed..I have mentioned it before in my blog if you want more on my thoughts about abortion..



Luke 12:7

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Monday, September 27, 2010

comfortable crisis..


Does anyone else seem to feel some sort of strange comfort during crisis? I know its a strange question, but I am honestly curious. Most see a baby hooked  up to wires and tubing and it scares them, takes them back and they are scared to even touch them.. today I held a tiny little girl, all hooked up and in the NICU, and instead of anxiety, I was covered in peace, like this felt natural to me..I felt comfortable talking about scary things with her nurse, asking questions most would never ask..I felt like I could sit and hold this sweet tiny baby all day long..On my way home I was thinking about 2 years ago, I would have never even attempted to hold her, I would be the one in the corner, afraid that I would break her.. I am so grateful for the healthy baby we have here with us, I love seeing her sit up, roll over, play with toys and our cell phones(dont ask)..and I will NEVER EVER wish a baby ill, but for a minute or two, I missed that. I miss the sounds of an 02 machine, monitors, the sounds of nurses and people in the hallway..I don't know if its all of that, or if its when I am in that surrounding I feel closer to her..I want this perfect little family, with a perfect little life, but what if we were meant to help out a sick baby, what if Ella's illness was to prepare us for what was ahead..maybe one day we will be in a position to help a sick baby..We would have never imagined we would be where we are now, but its our life..we will never have our happily ever after, I certainly realize this..but what if it is a different version, happily ever after 2.0? what if we help a sick baby get BETTER, and get to watch her grow and become the person she may have never become, if we had never decided to take a sick child...just a thought....I know I will never in my life regret this little sick baby..she made me who I am today..



btw as far as I know little miss is staying put for now. Her parents have court the 5th of October, so we will see what happens..I would jump at the chance to keep her forever..We love her to bits and pieces..this is just me thinking "out loud" I guess :)


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

did you know??

Did you know that 80% of children diagnosed with Mitochondrial Disease before the age of 5 will not survive to see 20 years of age? If it was your child, would this statistic be acceptable to you?
(the average life expectancy for the exact type Ella had is 9 months)
Did you know that, Every 30 minutes, a child is born who will develop a mitochondrial disease by age 10.  Each year, 1000 to 4000 children in the United states are born with a mitochondrial disease.   While exact numbers of children and adults suffering from mitochondrial disease are hard to determine because so many people who suffer from mitochondrial disease are frequently misdiagnosed, we now know the disease is approaching the frequency of childhood cancers.  Many are misdiagnosed with atypical cerebral palsy, various seizure disorders, childhood diseases and diseases of aging.  Still others aren't diagnosed until after death.  

Did you know that the parts of the body that need the most energy, such as the heart, brain, muscles and lungs, are the most affected by mitochondrial disease. The affected individual may have strokes, seizures, gastro-intestinal problems, swallowing difficulties, blindness, ...deafness, heart and kidney problems, muscle ...failure, heat/cold intolerance, diabetes, immune issues, and liver disease.

Did you know that mitochondrial dysfunction is connected to common diseases such as alzheimers, parkinsons and autism spectrum disorders?

Did you know that mitochondrial diseases are not as rare as you may think? 1 in 200 people carry a mutation that may develop into a mitochondrial disease.

Did you know that there are currently no treatments, cures or anyway to help one with mito? vitamin treatments to try and help restore some energy is all there is. There are many studies out there, and I believe there is a study out there that will work as a cure, but there is just simply not enough funding..so instead children and adults are suffering daily. We have treatments and cures for Erectile dysfunction, hair loss, acne, and so many more minor ailments, and not one for this disease..

Did you know there are many ways to give, funds that will actually go directly to research and raising awareness..click on the link on my sidebar for Ella's research fund, or go here and print to mail in the form, or book mark the page and donate..

can't decide if you should donate or not? even if its just a one time donation of $5.00 it is help and we appreciate it so very much.. and so do each and every single one of these faces..





Thursday, September 16, 2010

changing of seasons...

I was just over at their page and have decided to participate in faces of loss, faces of hope's september writing challenge. The topic this month is simple~How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?

*Fall for me is Ella, the smell of autumn air takes me back to her without even thinking about it. I close my eyes and I am back in Fall 2008. She was born Aug. 21st  2008. The breeze cooled and the colors on the trees and grass went from green to orange, brown and red. I would open the windows and turn on the attic fan and we would play, dance, snuggle and enjoy our time together all day. Jay was at work and Cayden was at school, it was just us. It was heaven on Earth. I'd hold her when she would nap and just sit and watch her sleep.. I would tell myself to take it in, because they get big so fast..or so I thought.. Autumn was our time of bliss, of ignorant bliss.. 

Once Winter arrived is when our Hell began..Even now, 2 years later, I can imagine her, the smell of the fresh air on her head, I can see her watching the leaves fall through our back door, I would be at the computer working and she would be in her bouncer staring outside..she loved it..Last fall I was still in a fog, it was so surreal, I could barely wrap my head around the fact that she was gone. This year, I feel it creeping up on me, her birthday, the cooler weather, the change of colors, it seems to make me long more for her, if that is possible. I miss her and I am sad, but it makes the urge to go back to that time even stronger. I put up our fall decorations ridiculously early this year, I ordered my fall scented scentsy, I want to go back to then..or to feel like I did at that time..I think back to picking out her halloween costume, my little bat girl..I think of what we would be picking out for her this year. She would be old enough to really get whats going on, to eat the candy..
I know I've said it a million times before, but it seems like it was yesterday, and a lifetime ago all at once. Fall has always been my favorite season, but now, I have a reason to love fall even more..it reminds me of the last time we had full and complete joy...







Monday, September 13, 2010

Lord, fill this coat...

December 26, 2008, Jay and I went shopping with his mom. We returned a few things, spent some gift cards, grabbed lunch, all with our healthy beautiful baby girl in tow. She loved to shop, to be pushed in the stroller, she'd just watch everyone and enjoyed the change of scenery as well as the strangers doting over how perfect she was. We had no clue at that time what was going on inside of her tiny body, we had no clue that just a few days later, we'd be sitting in the PICU praying for God to spare her life.. While in one of the stores we spotted this, and Nancy wanted to get it for her, even though it was big at the time, she could wear it in a few winters..so here we are fall, a few months will turn to winter, and guess who is not here to wear her coat? When I hang up Little Miss's clothes in the closet, this always catches my eye..
 I can close my eyes and imagine her wearing this to church. I can imagine the black tights and black shiny shoes on her feet, a black hat to keep her sweet little head warm and gloves for her precious hands.
24 months, she would be 24 months now, she would have looked like a little model and I am certain she would have worn it for our 2010 Christmas cards. Most of the time I imagine her as a 9 month old baby, but occasionally I can think of her older, her 'adjusted' age. I wonder what she would look like, what she would sound like, would she be loud or shy? Would she be talking well? potty training? My heart aches to know these things, I wish I knew someone who could sketch a pic of her adjusted age, like they do for the children who are missing and abducted..I wish I could see her one more time. a glimpse.

I am praying that next winter Little miss is ours and we can put her in this coat for our 2011 Christmas cards, that I can post them, because she will be ours and no longer 'foster'..that is our prayer anyway..Lord, let us have a little girl long enough to be a toddler, long enough to fill this coat....

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

to meet one's needs...

My fear when we began our journey to foster and adoption was simple. What if I can't bond with children that are not from my body. What if we were to adopt a baby, and there was nothing there.no love, no feelings, just empty.I am a firm believer that in order to provide more than basic needs, there has to be a bond, an attachement, a bond. The reason we decided to foster to adopt, or attempt to, is because we needed to help those in need. Not that adoption from agencies isn't wonderful, because it is. But what about these kids, the ones who have been abused, neglected, and everything else you can think of. Who wants them? Who wants the 'other than perfect' baby to take care of forever? The baby who doesn't trust strangers, loud noises, the ones who startle easy..what about them? who wants them? Can we handle taking on a child who's background is already so shaded at such a young age. What if we can't look past this and get that attachment. What if they aren't perfectly shaped, colored, healthy or happy, what will we do? Can we love them as our own? Can we meet more than their basic needs?
Yes, yes we can. Never in my life would I imagine that the problem was not loving enough, but too much.. That attachement is there instantly. They need us, She needs us, Little Miss smiles when we glance at her. She jumps and hugs our necks when we pick her up. She is only 5 months old and is in need of more than her basic needs. She needs so much more, snuggles, laughs, a peaceful home, people who dote over her pig tails and tell her how cute she is.. She NEEDS us and I am oh so happy to be able to give her an abundance. I hold her too much, I know this. She never cries more than a few minutes, waiting on that bottle..I can handle that, its not seizures that terrify her and all I can do is hold her and cry, its not the blood being drawn, the IV's being placed all over her tiny body, again while all I can do is sit by and do nothing..its a need that I can fill. I can hold her and rock her to sleep, I can warm her bottle a little even though she'll take it room temp, I can play 'super baby' with her until my arms are numb. Its a need for her, but its also a need for me. When Ella got sick there towards the end, I could only hold her on a pillow for a very short time before she would become so sore. Even when she was here, all I wanted was to hold her against me, to feel her breathe, and I couldn't..I wanted to help her, to hold her, for me to meet her needs was impossible..No baby will ever replace Ella, whether its from my body or not.. but I do have to believe that the huge gaping whole left in my chest can be filled a little, by meeting both of our needs..
I love this baby, I love Sweet pea, I can't imagine what its like to absolutely not travel to the end of the Earth and back for your kids. Its sad, but I am so grateful that we have been blessed with the position to help the ones we can. We have the room, the stuff, the time, and more than that the love, an abundance of it. Praise the Lord for that..

We are waiting to hear if Little Miss's aunt is approved to take kinship or not. I am assuming she will be approved, and praying she isn't (for our sake), but I will post as soon as I hear anything..
Isn't she lovely?!

UPDATE!!!!
Her worker just called and said the aunt and uncle are most likely going to be denied because of some questionable history on one of them.  She did say the parents requested visitation, so we will see when that is. I guess even though they are terminating rights, they still have to offer it until its official.. soo for now we get to keep her. I am worried once the rights are terminated and she is adoptable that people will come out of the woodwork for her..We just have to put it all in Gods hands and trust that he will take care of her and us as a family..

okay and just because I am feeling froggy here is one peek of little miss! She just turned 5 months old last week and is almost sitting by herself! *she does for a minute or 2 before she tips, but so good!*

Thursday, September 2, 2010

so close, but soo far...

Last week we picked up a new little girl, 5 months old and absolutely darling. Her parents had some past issues with child welfare, lost their rights to 3 children and apparently had her under an alias name so they wouldn't take her too. Well they were found out after they apparently tried to kill eachother during a huge 'domestic dispute.'  They of course showed up to court without a lawyer, so they go back in October to most likely have their rights terminated. We were told right off the bat that it was very likely she would be up for adoption, several different times actually..The family did not step up for the other 3, so it was assumed they would not for her.. So I did it, I let my gaurd down and absolutely fell in love..The worker called me after her parents court and told me it would be continued later, but that she had some news. My heart sank and I knew.. she said an aunt came to court and is requesting gaurdianship..they are doing a home inspection and background check and will get back to me. I know its wrong, but I am praying she is denied. For my sake sure, because she already acts like one of us, but more for her sake..for her well being.. I feel like once again we were so close, and now are so far again...I know we are not going to keep every single child, but I really had a strong attachment and feeling that she was the one. Sweet Pea is doing beautifully with her Nana, and I talk to them every few days and we are even keeping her when they attend resource classes. I am not so naive to think that every time a child moves on that such a relationship will exist with the new caretaker. I can extend my information and willingness to help, but they do not have to accept. So for now we wait..I feel absolutely helpless. I've cried and been angry and all sorts of different emotions. The grief is different but kind of the same too..I look at her and pray she is still with us tomorrow night, much like I did Ella for so many nights..so afraid to sleep and wake up to find her gone..different but kind of the same. .

I have also had some other things on my mind lately, weighing heavy. It seems sometimes as though this storm is never going to pass. I asked my mom the other day if she thought we just weren't meant to be happy!?  Seems like we are so close and it all falls away. I am really trying to know and trust that one day we will be blessed. We have no idea what's in store for us, but we are ready for something good for once.  Cayden unfortunately is old enough now that it is sometimes hard to hide whats going on, he over hears conversation and will always put in his 2 cents. He is so very smart and very intuitive.. The other day when I picked him up after the worker called, he asked why I was crying. I told him I hadn't been (in an hour or so at least) and he simply stated "I don't know why you don't just tell me why" umm..when did you turn into an adult?? I just told him that I had a moment and was better now that I prayed for peace..'oh, about Ella then' and that was the end..yes, I guess in a way its about her..Its always about her..in some way, shape or form.. We've not told him about the baby possibly leaving yet, we don't want him to worry about it if it doesn't happen. He loves her already, he knows we can't keep all of them too, but he sure would like to.. ((sigh)) so would I...
   anyhow, sorry to be absent so long and then come back with a big ol' whine fest.. I promise to work on a positive and upbeat post very soon.. and to catch up on my blog reading/stalking, seems as though my pc is somewhat working again..**cross my fingers and toes!**

here is a little sneak peak of sweet girl, I have so many good pics I wish I could share.. maybe one day..((praying))

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Happy Birthday sweet girl...

Sweet Ella,
We all miss you so much, I can't believe that you are gone..it seems like I'll wake up and find this is a horrible dream..this life without you.. I do know one day we will see each other again in Heaven..Love you so much!Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven! I hope you are being spoiled and given a very special day <3





Thursday, August 19, 2010

Insert clever title here...

Sometimes when I talk about Ella, I feel like people are thinking 'get over it, move on, let it go'...No one has actually said anything to my face, but sometimes reactions make me think this is what they aren't saying. 15 months today since she left. 1 year and 3 months. What is the adequate amount of time to mourn your child? Is there a rule of thumb, 1 year of life = 1 year of grief? If you are reading this and have not lost a child, how long would you miss them? And since I am getting things off my chest, isn't it funny how people that LOVED her the most, are the ones to never speak her name? why? to make us feel guilty because we bring them down? Oh excuse me, don't let me get in the way of your life...They are not the ones who wake each day and walk by the empty room, they are not the ones that wake in the middle of the night, because you are sure her feeding pump was going off, 15 months later..They are not the ones that dream of her being here and wake up to her being gone. dying all over again.. Most of the time we do okay, we know our princess is in Heaven, we have absolute faith that we will see her again. But no new baby will ever replace her, no foster or adoption..We have loved having the ones we have had, but they are not her. That ache is still there..when sweet pea would cry in the middle of the night, that sweet little cry, I would stumble in there half asleep, expecting Ella..crazy..she wouldn't be 6 months old, but the grieving mind/soul is a funny thing.. Don't assume just because its 1 year and 3 months later, that its okay to forget that she existed, pretend she didn't make an imprint on this Earth.. Sometimes people say 'I just don't know what to say' well..I don't really know, but I do know that saying nothing at all, absolutely makes it seem as if you don't care at all.. I don't always feel like talking about her in depth, but when people say "I've been thinking about her" or "I stopped by the cemetery, I lit a candle, sent up a balloon" anything like that seems so small, but it means the world to Jay and I..
It seems like sending sweet pea back last week made me miss Ella more and more, or maybe its her birthday this week, maybe a combination. I don't know..I do know this week has been hard. I've been searching for distractions, slept all day yesterday pretty much, and I'm not real certain I will be loads of fun on Saturday. Last Birthday, I think we were still in shock, or they honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. But this one, its just plain hard. I'm just ready for this week to be over.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Now, I know...

I knew we wanted you before you were born.
I knew you would be loved to heaven and back, no matter what.
I knew you would melt your daddys heart the minute you two met eyes.
I knew we would be attached at the soul from the second I first heard your heart beat,
you were mine and I was yours forever.
I knew you were the most beautiful little girl from the second we laid eyes on your perfect face.
I knew that the sound of your soft voice was music to my ears, I'd listen to you jabber and couldn't help by gleam with joy.
I knew your soft skin needed to be shaded, gaurded and protected, and I knew it was our job to protect it from harm.
I knew your sweet eyes always looked as though they were holding a secret..
I knew I would hold you for hours on end and not even think about anything else..
I knew you were sent straight from Heaven and the answer to our prayers.

I did not know that you were going to only be staying for 8 months and 29 days, this must have been the secret you could not share.
I did not know that it was possible to feel so much pain for another person.
I did not know what it truly was to be rendered completely helpless.
I did not know your voice would one day be silent, and we would do anything for just another rambling.
I did not know that you would fade before our very eyes.
I did  not know that someone so little could fight so hard.
I did not know that that we had you sweet girl, only to say good bye.
I did not know it would still hurt this bad 15 months after losing you.
I certainly did not know that you wouldn't be here to celebrate your 2nd birthday..

Now, I know...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

gone baby gone...

    I just got back from dropping sweet pea off with her Nana..I am sad, this feeling of loss rings an eerie resemblance as it did a year ago.. not quite as intense, but there none the less.Once again I am picking up baby stuff and packing away laundry and toys wondering if they will be used again soon.. I know we will get another placement, maybe a baby, maybe a toddler? hopefully its soon and one long term if not up for adoption.. Cayden loves with all of his heart, he was devestated when we told him she was leaving.. and for a second I thought "this is too much" but what in life isn't hard? Unfortunately we all very well aware the life in general is not meant to be easy. Our entire purpose of doing this was to help the ones who need it the most and she was in desperate need, and we helped! How wonderful is that?!
   We did talk to Cayden, about if something happened that we would rather go to one of his grandmas than a stranger. We told him that grandma's are a close second to moms and dads as far as the amount of love they have. He agreed and was given peace about it. He insisted that we give her Nana our info though, so we could babysit :)
    While we will miss her terribly, I know she is in very good hands with her Nana and Papa. I met them when I dropped her off today and instantly felt assurance. The obviously love her and will take very good care of her. They will provide the love and care she needs and take her to her appointments.  I did give her our numbers and email and practically begged for her to let us know if she needs any help or if they need a break, and explained how we love this baby so much already and would feel beyond blessed to have some contact with her in the future.. Please continue to pray for this sweet baby as she is healing physically and emotionally. Also please pray for our family to keep our hearts open and be willing to help the next like we've helped and loved lil sweet pea.. xoxo

Sunday, August 8, 2010

oh little girl, how you break my heart...

       Last weekend Jay, Cayden, and myself had plans to go to the lakehouse and to my family reunion just a few miles away on Saturday. We were going to leave around 4pm and get there early enough to go into town and grab a few things from the store and to go by a redbox. Around 2pm I get a call from DHS (earlier that day, I had a call asking if I could take a 7 and 11 year old boy, which I couldn't) so I see the call and think to myself, to let it go to voice mail, because they were just going to ask me to talk a child that we could not take again.. But I answered anyway and our worker put his supervisor on and she told me that there is a 6 month old baby girl that is being discharged from the hospital that needs placement.. We had already committed to going to the lake and my bro and SIL were staying too..plus it was 100+ degrees.. so I told her I could pick her up Monday morning when we returned..here is what I knew, she was caucasion, 6 months old, has a displaced knee and 2 breaks in her fibia..and no one knows what happened. Supposedly mom took her to the ER because her leg was swollen from mesquito bites, the doctor xray'd and well here we were looking for a placement. When addressed mom said that they had family over one night and it was possible that one of the kids did something to her..
     We pick her up on Monday from the shelter (which I felt HORRIBLE about,  probably should have went friday before we left)  We get her and she had on a onsie and a little bag of other onsies the shelter was sending for her. Now we all know when it comes to girl stuff, I am SET UP.. I had a bag in the car, we went to Jays mom's office and cleaned her up and got her into something cute.. She was smiling and so sweet, when I put the little bow on her head, she laughed and waved her arms..I said 'bows make everything better, don't they!?' and she agree'd :) we fell in love before we got her home, we stopped and grabbed some more bottles, binkies, wipes, and a few new toys. You would think because of her leg that she would be grouchy, but not one bit. She was quiet and reserved the first day. I laid her down about 10 pm and around 6am she woke up, took a bottle and went back to sleep til 10!!  I kept checking on her, and making sure she was breathing..apparently she is a good sleeper..and has slept all night every night..
    Thursday she had an appt in OKC with an ped ortho surgeon and he did some xrays and examination, and she screamed like she was in agony and my heart broke..and then he said "what happened to her arm?" excuse me? her arm? no, its her leg.. he then proceeded to tell me that she has an old healing fracture in her right humerus..old fracture? no, she is only 6 months.. I felt my blood rise, she was still unconsolable, and I was going to cry or vomit, I didn't know which.. She needs surgery to repair her leg, not sure when that will be.. and her arm is going to be looked at closer this week, but there really is nothing to do, since they think it happened in April (again, a child pulled on her arm per mom) The doctor told her advocate that sweet pea medically speaking 'is a mess' but she's not..she is so cute, sweet and absolutely hilarious..and we love her already..
   We know that her arm has been broken, her leg all jacked up, she wasn't eating solids until this week (which she LOVES eating!) she was filthy upon exam, the back of her head is flat as if she's laid her entire life in a crib,she can't sit up at all, she doesn't like to be snuggled very much..we also know her body is broken but her spirit is not..she smiles with just a look at her, she jabbers and she makes this little lamb noise because we laugh every single time.. we know we've had this girl for less than a week and would do anything for her...our little sweet pea...oh little girl, how you break my heart, and how you fill it with joy at the same time...
Photobucket


oh..and we also know her mom is 4.5 months pregnant again..beautiful right? just what they need..

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

rainbow for a weekend....

Friday morning we got a call to come and pick up a sweet 2 month old baby boy. We brought him home and loved on him all weekend. He cooed, jabbered and has the sweetest smiles. On Saturday night, I held him and fought back the tears as I remembered holding sweet Ella so many nights, begging God to heal her tiny body and let us keep her..I looked down at him and not only felt sad for us, but for him.. how could someone have such a precious gift and not move Heaven and Hell to do whatever needed done for this sweet little guy..I obviously can't go into details, but I just.did.not.get.it...and I finally had to remind myself, how its not for us to understand. its for us to help and love them when we can.. while there in our home, we'll do the moving for these sweet children..Monday morning I took the little man for his visit with his mother and a another family picked him up and took him home with them. I then came home and took a 5 hour nap! yes, 5 hours!! Sweet little guy wore me smoooooth out! It was so nice to have a sweet little rainbow for the weekend..for now, we will wait for the next call and placement.. we did talk to the worker about only little girls from here on out though.. everything we have is pink, purple, flowers and butterflies..

On another note, I am behind again on reading blogs, facebook and everything..I've hit a wall the past few weeks..Ella's birthday is less than a month away.. She should be here, she should be turning two and having the best little princess party ever..I miss her so much I just can't stand it..I can't believe that it was 2 years ago that we were so excited to finally have our girl that we'd prayed for..I would have never in a million years imagined that we would watch her suffer lose her and bury her before her 1st birthday.. what I would not give to go back to that time and bask in our ignorance...((sigh))

Monday, July 19, 2010

utter and complete randomness..

My family cooked out the other day and my cousins kids (who are both 2) went running into the dining room for cake, some one said "attack of the two year olds!!" everyone smiled and watched, and my heart sank into my stomach.. I imagined Ella being right beside them chowing down and getting blue frosting all over. I wondered at that exact moment, if anyone else was thinking of Ella too...

She would be 2 years old next month. Its hard to imagine her as a toddler, actually its easy for me, its just heartbreaking.  I am not sure what if anything we will do for her birthday this year. We were going to have a breakfast at applebee's to raise money for the UMDF, but honestly I just don't have it in me right now.  Today is 14 months exactly since she flew away..how in the world I've lived that long without my daughter is beyond me. Everyone says how they would go crazy, have to be locked up, etc..if their baby/child died and most of the time I just say things like 'God gives you the strength each day.' Other times I think that there is something wrong with me. How can I smile and laugh and live my life, why don't I still feel like laying down and dying? I did for so long, I was completely blanketed in grief, loss, anxiety, and all over sadness and helplessness..Does it mean I don't love her enough, now that the moments like this are just short and random? Am I meant to walk around the tortured soul for the rest of my life? but, she would want us to carry on, she always wanted people to laugh and smile, she'd do anything for it..and we'd do anything for her to do the same..It is very comforting to know she is in glory and happy and patiently waiting for our family to be reunited.

This week on discovery health was baby week, and I was able to watch without falling to pieces. (which is a very huge accomplishment) Cayden and I watched 'I'm pregnant and...a former heroin addict' we watched the baby born and go to the NICU, and eventually go home. C looked at me and said "well, thats not fair" I knew what he meant, and just agreed with a 'life isn't fair' kind of saying...

At the cookout the other day, my cousins gf's family was there and they are a foster family, they  had a set of twins and another little boy with them. My mom talked to them a bit and they told her from the time they signed their contract that it was 4 months until they had a placement.. 4 months.. I don't know if this is the norm, or not..but I've been chomping at the bit and its not even 3 weeks yet.. I'm still working on patience, still waiting on the Lord to just give me a big ol' dose of it while I am sleeping or something..and I'll just wake up and say "all in God's timing" and I will actually mean it..  :) well this is the worlds most random post, so I will end now.. Happy Monday everyone!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

patience, or shall I say lack of....

pa·tience [pey-shuhns]

–noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

Guess what God did not bless me with? yep..patience..I have never claimed to be a patient person, everything I want/need, I wanted/needed it yesterday..Sitting and waiting..not knowing whats ahead, man..its just really freaking hard..I know I am not the only one that feels this.. I not that I have any feelings of "entitledness" or that I am better or more important than any one else.. but sometimes I can't help but think "when is our time going to come, we have been through enough for several lifetimes.." Some lady dropped her babies off and a firestation recently, and my first thought was frustration..how does this chick throw away perfectly healthy babies, when we would have laid down our lives for ours to have a chance? (sidenote: I am so thankful that she did leave them there, and not harm them or leave them abandoned) and then I thought about them going into the system..so many good families waiting for completeness with children to keep...our time will come though..I am working on patience..I am a tad envious of those who come by it naturally..because its not that I have little patience, I have ZERO.. ask anyone IRL who knows me.. :)

I have mentioned it seems like everyone who has ever met me is pregnant.. 2 SIL's, BFF, cousin/sister, acquaintances, church members, and I am sure many many more.. I was watching Army wives the other night, and one of them women and her husband were watching their baby on ultrasound, and before I knew it the tears were coming..would we ever have that again? I remember watching Ella's US dvd over and over and over.. and it breaks my heart..to miss her, to not ever have that again.. that excitement and anticipation, don't get me wrong, I HATE being pregnant, but sometimes, I long for it, just knowing the outcome would be a keeper baby..however I am trying to talk my mom into getting pregnant and carrying triplets for me..*any one see Strange Pregnancies on discovery health?* She says her eggs are too old though..haha..anyway..so right now, I am just waiting and praying for patience..either that or a baby to be handed over to me with no strings attached, hey a girl can dream right ;)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

my own personal kind of heroine...

13 months out and I still crave her.. I close my eyes and remember what she felt like, what she smelled like, her laugh, her sweet smile, her haunting big blue eyes.. 13 months and I still feel the NEED for her..not want, of course I want her here, I could say that most want her here still, but I NEED her.. I need her like an addict needs his next fix. I've gone through my rehab (therapy) but it makes me need more tolerable..its not so over whelming that I can't function anymore..but its aways there.. Hopefully this week sometime, we'll have some little feet in the house, and I am so glad and so grateful this is the decision that we made, to help kids who need it the most..but even then..it will still be there.. the need for her.. and honestly I hope it never goes away..its what reminds me that she was here in the first place..

Thursday, July 1, 2010

randomness

We signed our foster and adoption contract yesterday. I felt joy, relief and guilt...mostly joy and relief, but that guilt hit shortly before..Is it too soon? Does this mean we'll think of Ella less, miss her any less? They said 3-4 days to get it all done and they will contact us for a placement..3-4 days left to mourn for her? Last night I was thinking about it and have came to the conclusion, that even if I have 18 other kids, I will still miss her equally. Its not too soon, our hearts tell us this is the right thing for our family.. its the path we were meant to go..that is not saying we were 'meant' to lose her, but we did, and for now, we need to proceed with our life and not be stuck in her death. She existed, she was perfect, she was everything we wanted and needed and so much more, but she is gone..Its not going to do me, or anyone else any good for me to wallow in my self-pity. We will grieve, mourn and remember her until we are reunited in heaven. I know my doubts come from the devil, trying to keep us from helping others, trying to keep us from joy, comfort, etc etc..We are excited to make a difference, to help, to be a blessing to others..and in the meantime, we'll pray for our family to be completed forever. I thought about creating another blog about foster/adoption, but have decided not to..this was our story before her, and is our story of 'Attempting to love life without her'..its us finding our new normal..so I will blog here about the other things, and I certainly understand if I lose readers..its not just a loss blog (which in all honesty has been for the past 13 months) ...We are moving on, not without her, but with her in our hearts instead of our arms...

In other news, our lovely, intellegent and beautiful pal Mandi has taken more pics of C-man, and soon will take a few family pics, so here are a few she's let us sneak a peak at..he looks so big, doesn't he?! he went from my baby to my not-so-little-any-more-man!



here are a few conversations we've had lately...he's so smart and soo funny...
~*~*~*~
C- If  K gave baby H up to the state, would you take her?
Me- ((laugh)) ummm..I don't think that is ever going to happen, but I am sure we would..
C- I know they wouldn't but .. but that would be good, she is not sick one little bit..
((sigh))
Me~ maybe we'll get one just as cute
C~ that can't happen, none can compare to her cuteness...except Ella, she's the cutest in Heaven though..


Me- We sign our contract tomorrow, maybe this week we'll have a little girl!
C- What?! your were pregnant with Ella for 9 months,  we've only been waiting 4..I haven't had time to prepare!
Me~ prepare? for what?! Do you need more time?
C~ no, but there goes sleeping in all summer..
me~ ((laugh)) I will close your door if we get up early..promise..

He is such a turkey..he is excited and anxious about what age we are going to get..we all are :)