Saturday, January 16, 2010

it stops...

It stops, the calls, the emails, the FB messages...I don't know to be happy that I have finally gotten past the point where people feel the need and can stop "checking in on me" or sad that contact stopped all together.. I am doing (mostly) okay and don't cry at the drop of a hat anymore..sometimes I can even talk about her and not break down...but I still need friends.. I need normalcy. I need to talk about things that aren't about my deceased child.. I know most of my friendships, if not all, the detachment has came on my part.. I declined meals and going out and meeting up for so long. Ella was sick and then I was just plain not wanting to leave my comfort zone..But I am needing that again...I need human contact again.. and I am in serious need of normalcy..friends.. laughing, all of it..I know it's all my doing..I am mourning several friendships now too.. that I want back..any other BLM's going through this? How do you un-do this?

Thanks to Amanda A. for calling me so late to listen to me whine and to give me some long distance made me feel better and I was able to finally drift to are a good friend to me, and thank you for sticking by me even though I am a mess sometimes..

Friday, January 15, 2010

eyes on the prize...

 Unto You I lift up my eyes,
         O You who dwell in the heavens.
 Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters,
         As the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress,
         So our eyes look to the LORD our God,
         Until He has mercy on us. 

Psalms 123:1&2


Thursday, January 14, 2010

little of this and that...

A year ago tonight my parents brought Cayden to the childrens hospital to see Ella and so that his dad and I could take him to dinner. We went to Red Lobster, Caydens fav plus just a mile down the road, so not too far. We sat, ordered our drinks. He grabbed my hand and I just looked at Jay.. shook my head, attempting to shake away the tears that were already forming.

Jay-Tomorrow, Ella is going to have surgery, they are going to cut a tiny hole in her stomach to test her liver and her muscle
Cayden- why? wont that hurt her?
Me- no, she will be sleeping and not feel a thing..they are testing to make sure she is okay, to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong with her"
Cayden-what would be wrong with her? Is she going to be okay?
Me- they are just running some test.. and yes she will be fine babe..

liar. she was not fine. in fact just 4 months later she would die. She would fly away into Heaven..walk the streets of gold and sing hymns and praise our savior all day long.. and here we are..without her.. with fears that all of this is too much for the child we have still with us.. How will all of this effect him? Did we do enough for him during this? Did he know that even though so much focus was on her that we love him just as much..what about now.. my consuming grief..he see's it.. I know he does. The sweet way he lays by me and grabs my hand..the caring way he hugs me randomly, runs his fingers through my hair while we watch TV.. Does he know that I love him more than words can express.. I say things like "I love you" and he replies the I love you too and I say "no.. I love you so much I can't stand it" and he will say I know.. me too.. I would gladly take all of his pain from the last year, I would take it from him.. to know that he is okay. Don't get me wrong..he is resilient, he is strong in mind and faith.. now and then he stares into space and I would do anything to know where he go with him.. I wonder sometimes, if this conversation should have been more truthful and told him "we don't know, we are trusting God, we are praying for her.." I can't go back though.. I wish I could for so many reasons.. I think about the love I have for my children, how much it pains me to think about all she went through and all he has dealt with...I think about it and it reminds me of our fathers love..he felt this way for Jesus.. He saw Jesus hanging on the cross being tortured.. he could have called ten thousand angels to stop it, but he didn't.. Jesus died on the cross that day, so that sinners like us could have salvation, have the security of knowing that one day.. I WILL SEE HER AGAIN!! Don Piper the pastor who wrote and experienced 90 minutes in Heaven, describes Heaven as the ultimate family reunion.. what a day that will be..

A year ago today, we went to dinner with our son..who would have ever thought it would be one that would replay in my head over and over.. almost 8 months ago, we buried our daughter.. I know for us, we never thought this would happen to us.. We took precautions for her safety, we don't smoke or drink, didn't lay her on her belly, she was taken to her check ups..we did everything RIGHT... and it happened..despite all we've done.. I will never again take for granted my children, my husband, my happens to real people all of the time..see the sidebar..all real people, with real loss and real pain.. hug your kids..don't get caught up in tomorrow, today is what is important.. One meal that you will remember til its your time to return to Jesus.. one day I rocked her longer than I probably should of..Today is the day..

James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

Monday, January 11, 2010

very blah..

I am still here.. 2010 has gone okay so far, Cayden got more time off of school because of the weather, that was nice to spend time with him.. we saw a few movies, went to eat some and played some games..

I am trying very hard to be my actions, in my post (explains the lack of) and it the way I carry myself.. I miss Ella like crazy and this time last year is when she first got sick, the first time we knew it was a possibility that we may lose our only daughter. I think about that, I think about everything she went through and now it seems like it was all so unnecessary. I feel guilty about allowing it, I feel guilty for the abandonment that C must have felt.. I feel lost in a world that I am suppose to be happy in.. and I just can't do it.. I am trying to let it be enough to know that she is in a better place, to know that she is in heaven..this should make me content..sometimes it does.. most of the time, I just can't.. so instead I pretend.. I smile at the people that have babies, toddlers, pregnant, I smile and pretend that inside I don't want to strangle them, or think "you bury your daughter and lets see if you smile" or think that my pain is worse than others that endure loss... and I HATE being like this.. so I am trying to be better than okay, I am trying to be good, to smile and mean it.. I need to be okay and not let my grief define who I am.. so this is why I am absent.. I am trying to collect myself.. to start 2010 positively.. that's it for now.. hopefully a happier post is to come soon.