Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A pair of shoes...

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


have I mentioned I hate Tuesdays?? hate them.. miss her.. feel like crawling into a hole, but instead have to smile and say "I'm doing okay"...liar...

Friday, July 24, 2009

the sea of grief

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. I have been reading others for a while now, but this is my first time to actually post.. This week, we are sharing our first steps into the sea of grief.

my grief started December 30th 2008.. Ella had been up all night screaming and vomiting. I held her to me and tried to soothe her. We took her into the hospital (a smaller local one) and they examined, xrayed her belly, did an occult card and eventually started an IV. They told us there was something wrong and her stomach was kind of kinked and required 1 procedure to test for it and to cure it at the same time. BUT they did not do it there and had to send her to The Childrens hospital. We got in the ambulance, Jay followed in our car.. She was finally asleep in her carseat and seemed okay.. I thought "never mind, she feels okay"ummm wrong.. we got to the ER and they swept her in, doctors and nurses everywhere..the ER dr looked at me and Jay and said "thats not what is wrong, we are admitting her and will find out though" he looked concerned, the nurses looked concerned.. He failed to tell us the room she was being admitted to was PICU.. so we follow her up and see its the ICU and the nurses tell us to wait in the lobby so they can examine her and get her settled.. I sat looking at our families looking at me.. I got up and went to the restroom and melted, I wept and my heart was breaking.. Jay came in and hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay.. I kept thinking and saying "what if its bad, what if it is something they cant fix?!" I knew at that time we were treading some serious waters..long story short, they thought it was meningitis and it wasnt (obviously) you can scroll back to Jan 09 blogs and get the full picture..
The next few weeks and monthsI grieved her, I grieved the baby that SHOULD have been getting stronger, but instead was getting weaker and weaker. I knew that she did not have long left, we had made the decision to take her to the hospital when we thought the end was nearing, so Cayden (and us) would not have that in our head everytime we glanced in her room or bassinet in our room.. We took her back to childrens early Monday morning and she was stable all night, they nurse came in to check on her and her HR was low, but steady.. and all of the sudden her breaths were further between eachother, Jay had came home late Monday night to stay with Cayden.. I would call if things changed.. We thought we had at least a few days.. My best friend Erin had stayed the night with me there, and I am so glad she did..She grabbed the nurse and she came in listened, and looked at me sadly and said her heart rate is 20 and her breathing is only 6-7 per minute..WHAT?! no.. no.. it was just 85!! her respirations were in the 20's!! I felt sick and knew time was short..I cried and leaned over her bed and then she was gone.. I will blog about the other details following that later..grief is what this is suppose to be about.. so I came home, Cayden rode with my aunt Cheryl.. I think he was scared I was going to lose it.. It was silent the whole way home. I looked out the window as tears streamed down my face and Jay would hold my hand or rub my hair.. I got home and Jay just started moving everything into her room, took down her bassinet, blankets, IV pole, feeding bag.. I sat on the couch numb.. what do I do if I am not taking care of her? it was quiet the next 2 days.. Jay and I and Cayden wept silently.. and I was taking a shower Wednesday night and it all came down on me.. I saw her bath soap and rag.. I would never bathe my daughter again.. I fell and cried hysterically and jay came in and just held me.. I screamed and cried how I wasnt ready, I wanted her back NOW! Why did this happen? What did I do wrong!? this IS NOT fair?! he cried and said he knew...I got out took something to help me relax and slept.. and I kept wondering who am I, if I am not taking care of Ella? she had required so much, that I was lost.. I kept cleaning, wondering the house... 66 days later, I am working from home again, but I still feel lost.. I feel like I am missing a part of me..the world has gone on, and we are just here..barely treading this water...
Sometimes I think I should be stronger, if I had the appropriate amount of faith, would I be okay? am I not trusting in our Lord like I should, is that why this hurts so bad? but I am human, its not natural to grieve for your child, so as I see it,there are no certain ways to grieve my baby... I have my son and husband who make me go doesn't stop because she is started because she was here.. I will miss and grieve her until I take my last breath on this earth...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

this time last year

was showers, putting the finishing touches on your room, and just waiting for miss sunshine to arrive.. yesterday was your 11 month birthday.. I felt so tense all day, and definitely had a "woe is me day" I cried and cried.. I went to the cemetery and lost it.. its crazy how it hits me... I was thinking to myself that we should be planning a big huge birthday party for my baby, and again..instead I was at the cemetery.. crying so hard I couldn't breath.. I just kept rubbing the grass and saying "I am so sorry" I am sorry I couldn't find a way to help you, I am sorry we didn't have enough time, I am sorry if I didn't hold you enough, I am sorry your daddy wasnt with you when you left, I am sorry I didn't wake up sooner that morning to let your loving grandparents kiss you one last time.. I am sorry I missed you before you were physically gone.. did I give up? did I let go too soon?? so you quit fighting because I did?? I knew the end was close, but I thought we had more time... at least a few more days.. it was Ella's didnt care for big events at all.. I have so many regrets, I feel like I wasted time, and now I can't get it back..

I sat and cried hysterically for you yesterday at your grave, and I felt you with the wind.. I felt you blow through my that crazy.. and out of no where I thought about the fathers promise " be still and know that I am with you".. you are with him and he is with me... but in the meantime, baby girl, I miss you.. I want you back here with me, I want you to turn one next month..but you wont be here.. you are in Heaven..waiting on us... your nanny is very sick and probably not going to make it long, and I am sad for your papa and daddy, but I am jealous too..that she gets to see you... I just want to see you.. I want more time.. I want to go back 1 year and keep you.. I love you so much...I miss you so much...

May 15th...4 days before you flew back to Heaven..

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Tom Coburn got me thinking...

if you pay attention to the news much you know about all of this story.. Senator Tom Coburn asked a good question to Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor..The Oklahoma Republican had posed a case in which a woman wanted to abort a 38-week fetus because it was found to have spina bifida, which can cause paralysis and is often associated with brain damage.
If at 38 weeks I knew that I only had 8 months and 29 days with my precious daughter, that she would suffer from a terminal disease for the majority of her short life, would I "do anything about it" and I knew the answer already.. no, I would not.. even at 19 weeks, even at 4 weeks.. God has a plan for me, as he did her.. I don't know what exactly lies ahead, but I am thankful for the time we had with her and I would not be complete if it weren't for the love,joy, tears and even the heartache we endured in that 8 months and 29 days..
I would have missed this at 19 weeks..
this at 26 weeks..

meeting her for the first time, and falling instantly in love..

I would have missed some of her first smiles...

and even her last smiles...

and with out all of these things.. It wouldn't be MY life.. it wouldn't be me.. Do I miss her like crazy, yes.. I cry and ache and think I can't make it another day. I know though, we are going to have a wonderful reunion on the other side.. I am and have been secure with my salvation, but was always scared to die, and now, I am not.. I have something to look forward to.. In the mean time though.. there is a plan already in place for me..there has been since my moment of conception, just as there was for Ella...

"I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29: 11-13)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


8 weeks today since she left.. my sweet friend keyla sent this to me.. thought I would share..


I thought of you today,
Like I do every Tuesday.

I still remember vividly the day when you told me a baby was on its way,
My soul rejoiced and oh how my heart lept for you and Jay.

Finally that little piece of heaven again to fill your hearts,
As you came together and were given a fresh new start.

You were glowing and as your belly grew,
We all couldn’t wait to find out if it were pink or blue.

After much anticipation the answer finally revealed,
A sweet baby girl to be named Isabella a princess to whom all would yield.

You and Jay counted the days and August eventually came,
What a beautiful baby girl; our hearts never to be the same.

Your days and nights were filled with such sweet cries,
And with her big brother Cayden you all sang her lullabies.

Then there was the day that your world came crashing down,
The day that broken our hearts and sweet smiles turned into frowns.

For at that time we all fell to our knees,
Begging and praying God to heal her body from that disease.

God only gave you eight short months before he called her to rest,
With grief stricken hearts we all try remember that God only calls the best.

Until you see her again some beautiful day,
I will think of you each and every Tuesday.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

very cool..

check out Carly's blog...she does this for free (purely on donations) and she wrote Ella's name in the sand.... I also posted on the side bar with the link, but just wanted to share... scroll down on the blog and see the little message.. you can leave comments there too...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

sometimes I feel bad....

Sometimes I forget that I am not the only one that lost her.. I know I was not the only one to love her, but sometimes I feel bad for Jay.. Fathers day was especially hard for him.. we had all intentions of going to church, but when they have the fathers stand if you have a child under 5, then 2, then 1 (to see who has the youngest, and they get a prize) anyway.. neither of us said anything, but I thought to myself how hard that would be for him.. so instead we did stuff around the house.. he was quiet and down all day.. we have Cayden here, but sometimes it's still so quiet and empty in the house..especially on days like this.. and the 4th.. while we were at Jay's aunt and uncles on the 4th watching fireworks, I sat in the bay window looking towards the field, imagining that I would have to take Ella inside to watch from there, because she would not like the loud noises... my 10 and a half month old would be decked out in red, white and blue and I am sure Jay and I would have to take turns trying to keep her from climbing up and down the window..instead we watched for a bit and came home earlier than normal... anyway..I know it's not just me that thinks about stuff like that.. he does too, I am the one to cry though, and he is always the one to hug and try to cheer me up.. and I feel bad, because she was his baby too.. and she LOVED him so much.. she loved to play possum when he would talk to her.. she would close her eyes real was so funny.. he would sing frank Sinatra songs to her and she would laugh and laugh... he misses her too...

A Father's Grief
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Friday, July 3, 2009

friends, fun and furry rodents that attack..

I often talk about what great friends we have.. We have been busy playing uno, being accused of cheating at pictionary because me, erin and Mandi are so darn smart.
We had to empty our pool because there was a huge gash in it and got the same one without a gash from my grandma. So Reuben came over today in his truck to bring it over and put it up. I was sitting on the couch attempting to work. I hear Jay say "what is that" and Reuben says "what the crap?" I got up to look thinking it was a frog, bug or something like that and it was a furry looking rodent staring at us.. I handed Roo the camera and told him to take a pic. The door was partially open still, and about the time I looked back Molly was running to the door and I slammed it, at the same time Reuben runs towards the door screaming like my 7 year old niece.. and he runs into the door using some explicit language that I will not share.. we all look and the rodent is running towards the fence line trying to escape the yard. I am guessing the high-pitched squeel scared him off.. after the laughing stopped, and Reubens color was back to normal.. we were able get a pic..

Woodchuck/groundhog, whatever it was.. made me laugh..really laugh.. been a very long time..unfortunately it was at Reubens expense.. I'll take what I can get.. :) it seems as though a lot of my funnier stories involve roo.. coincidence??

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I am just curious if this will ever get easier.. will there ever be a day that I don't think about and miss her 24/7...??