red coat...

I am not sure if you will remember this post from last year, but if you do, you will understand the importance of this picture..

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try it on her.. I've been staring at it in the closet for three years now.. I put it on and she looked down and said "oh cute!" .. I sat in the floor of her room watching her examine it and fought back tears.. for so long I secretly worried that God did not hear my prayers. I figured maybe I had held so much anger in after Ella that he just quit listening to me.. put me on mute or something..I thought of those long nights I spent rocking her praying for him to let me keep her, begging, bargaining..much the same as I did with Ella in those final weeks.. I thought about all of the pain I carry with me constantly and she will make me smile,  just like that.. her and cayden will dance and beat box together and it kills me that Ella is missing, but to see him smile and laugh with her, and the way he loves her, I know God listens and he has exceeded all of our expectations, and shame on me for doubting that.. Seeing Lily in Ella's coat comforts me, I could not save Ella, but instead we got to make this sweet girls life all that she deserves.. I don't believe anyone ever comes full circle after a loss of a child, I have accepted that until Heaven, that I'll be incomplete..Sometimes though, when I least expect it I feel a comfort or peace cover me, and as I sat in her room that evening, it happened, It was a quiet whisper "I'm here"   Thank God for never giving up on us, even when we give up on him..

should be so easy..

Walking through hobby lobby today seemed like a simple enough task before I left this morning..I was wrong. Let me start by telling you the whole story of my crash course to a broken heart day.

Little Miss came to me with only her newborn vaccinations ((there was no record of birth,medical history, or anything)) so the emergency foster parents had taken her in got the first, and I was to continue getting her caught up. Well every time we had an appt, it turned into a sick visit, i.e. ear infections, flu, and another ear infection. So today was the day. 9:30 this morning we arrived. Taken to the very room Ella received her vaccinations and first visits..(I am a freak and remember all of our past room numbers)  The doctor did the exam and visit, she clung to my neck and pushed him away for the most part. Nurse came in with 3 shots (5 vaccines) She has me lay her down and hold her arms.. I literally flashed back to Ella and felt an instant anxiety attack...'please, just hurry' is all I could get out..she pokes her fast and LM starts screaming, I am still flashing back and forth, feeling like I am about to lose it.."she is okay, mom" the nurse said..she had no clue what was happening in my head..I sit and rock her and compose myself and get her calmed down and leave the clinic.. I take her to my moms for a bit (I had a few errands and she was beyond tired already) and run to hobby lobby for a few items..

I got fabric I needed and headed to get some stuff for Ella's grave. I walked up and down and up and down the same aisles over and over.. I could feel my heart beating through my skin. All I could think of is how I am buying decor for my daughters grave..my. daughters. grave...that doesnt even sound natural, right?! so many flowers and options, I couldn't do it.. and the sad dreary christmas music.. what the crap? I hate Christmas music, but if you're gonna play it, speed it up, play something jolly for Heavens sake.. anyway, I hopped over a few aisles and walked aimlessly through the Christmas stuff. I picked up a few more things and promptly left.

My heart by this point had to be in a million pieces..at least. I kept thinking of Christmas 2 years ago, when we had her..she was perfect. she was happy. and we had no clue what was going on inside of her tiny body. I wish I could be haunted by the ghost of christmas past and take me back to then.. to see how happy and naive we were.. saying things like "next christmas she will be old enough to ....*fill in blank*.. I honestly thought since we made it through last years holiday season that this year would be easier.. but its not..it hurts more because its not so fresh, seems so long ago..and  because so often I look at people and wander if they still think about her.. do they remember how cute she was in her Christmas dress?  probably not..and that sucks..

 all 3 of these are from Dec 2008.
this was her excited face, always made us crack up!!!

Christmas dress on Christmas day, this is also the dress we buried her in..

 daddy and Ella in Branson, she loved the lights and did awesome the entire trip for being so stinkin' cold!!

LM has one visitation scheduled this week and her bio parents are due in court next week.. hopefully something is determined at that point.. because what we are doing now, is not good for her. the back and forth..or for us.. I pray the judge see's that the parents continue doing the same things that caused them to lose her as well as the other 3 previous children.. they don't show for over half of the visits, and aren't doing any of the work to prove themselves as fit parents.. I pray they don't show up and just lose their rights.. or that they just see how good she is doing and agree to sign over.. but it is so hard to be optimistic.. I have complete faith that God's will for her life will be done, as well as ours.. unfortunately I am very much aware that God's will doesn't always coincide with ours... so we'll see..if you pray, please pray..if not, maybe think of good vibes and send them our way in the next few weeks..

sorry to dump this today.. I haven't blogged alot lately.. everything is seeming so heavy.. stress over LM and her pending status, the stress of our daily life without Ella.. Its funny how you always assume things will be one way when you grow up. House, husband, job, 2 kids and 1 dog..we were so dang close.. you would think it all would just come so easy.. no one tells you that chances are you will have to fight like hell just to get the 'simple things'..ugh...Please oh please, just let this work out..

me and C with our new hope..



paranoia will destroy ya..

The other night/early morning I had a dream, although at the time I didn't realize it was a dream. I heard a strange sound over the monitor that sounded like a water hose was going, I walked into the room and the humidifier was spitting huge amounts of water into the crib, I had just turned on the bathroom light, so it was dark, the water was standing and I could see blankets floating, I reached down and grabbed her up and she was cold and gone, I started crying and screaming NOT AGAIN!! NOT AGAIN!!Please not again.. I woke up soaked from the tears and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I check on her, and she is dry and in the bed and the humidifer is only sending out steam.

Next night, it was a little cool in the house, but I kept it that way so LM wouldn't get too warm and cause a coughing attack((still sick)). It was the night of the time change, so I expected her to wake up between 12:30 and 1:30am for a bottle. I woke up at 3:30 and realized she hadn't made a sound. I turn on the hallway light and walk in. She is lying as still as can be, and because her jammies are a little loose, I can't see her chest moving. I stick my finger in her hand and she doesn't squeeze. I touch her face and it was cool, she didn't open her eyes or move her face at all.. No, no, no, no, no, no is all I can remember thinking. I pick her up fast and she just melts into me, not making a sound, I pull her out a little and shake her (just once and not hard) she looked up at me as though I were insane. I sat in the rocker and started to cry..I kept thinking and wandering if I was going to be this way forever.. I was doubting my sanity, should I even be allowed to care for a baby? I changed her, fed her and rocked her back to sleep, holding her for well over an hour. I laid her back down, turned up the heat, and went to my bed and laid there, I think I fell asleep right before the alarm went off.

I realize she is 7 months old, and will eventually sleep through the night, sometimes not making a sound..its what most parents beg for right? So why does it make me turn into some sort of neurotic and paranoid freak of a person? Ella was sick. She fought for almost 5 months. It was not sudden..I will never forget what it was like holding her when she was gone..It is my worst fear to have that happen again..to hold a child I love when they are cold.. I do not walk around worrying she will pick up germs while crawling, I don't worry about this sort of thing all of the time, but when it does happen, it certainly makes me question whether I will ever be normal again..will I ever NOT be paranoid that something bad is right around the corner?

Joy 2.0

The truth is I have been seriously doubting if I would ever have joy again.. joy from with-in type of stuff, soul glowing through my eyes type of joy..I knew whether I had no more kids or a million that it would never be the same..not without her..
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and had a nice weekend with some great friends.. We laughed like we use to, like we meant it.. I had 2 kids with me again.. I saw Cayden with little miss, showing her all of the fun stuff, and there at the pumpkin patch it happened..it started as a little flicker..the I saw her with Jay, he was holding her, she was laughing and clapping all day. She loved being with us, she loved being with the other kids. I picked her up after she was 'getting me' and she grabbed my face and leaned her forhead to mine and met eyes and she smiled and then slimed me with a big kiss...my heart will always yearn for Ella, I will always imagine her with us. Our friends have a 2 year old girl and I could imagine her and Ella running around playing together. Truth is though, she is running around playing, she is not alone, she has all of her other friends that were taken too soon to keep her company..At the pumpkin patch though, the joy crept up and took over. Its not the same joy as it was 2 years ago, but a new adaptation of joy..joy 2.0?

This was an accidental pic, we were trying to get one of her face when being tossed up, I about deleted it and thought 'wait, that is kinda perfect'

She is not from us, her DNA is not the same as Caydens, mine or Jays. I don't know for sure if we will have her this time next year.  I don't know if we will have her 3 months from now. I hate it that others are stand-offish for her in fear that they will 'get attached' and then if they leave it will cause too much pain. Would I like to keep her forever, yes more than anything. Will it suck if her parents donors get her back, heck yes, we will fight like hell to keep her, don't doubt that..but the reason we decided to go this route of foster/adoption is because we needed to help those who needed us as much as we do them. She knows us as her family and she is ours..she needs love, she needs a family, she needs all of the things we have to give.. if these kids in foster care didn't need more than that, they'd stay in group homes, shelters and 'orphanages' She needs a mom, a dad and a brother. She needs grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins..I also keep thinking about these people that are reserving attachment for a later date, what if it takes years to know anything for sure? what if we get to keep her and they've missed out on so much because we aren't sure how long we get her.. Lets be real, even if she were to come from my body, there are no guarantees..I have a list of blogs of people who never imagined their children would not be with them.. If I were to have another baby, I can't imagine not attaching to them because they could be sick, or SIDS could happen, or accidents could happen. If that were the case, we'd never attach to anyone.. we'd be alone in our own spaces.. Could you imagine not having your attachements? your kids, your spouse, parents? I can't even fathom it. I love her like I am going to keep her forever, I am her mother and I would do no less for any other child... she needs me and I need her.. whether I end up hurt or not, I will never regret it..I don't regret falling desperately in love with Ella, and losing her about killed me.I'd do it over and over again if I needed to.. she is worth it, so worth it..same with little miss..totally and completely worth it..

more randomness...

Like the new blog design, I gave my self a birthday present of a new blog makeover! Franchesca always does such a great job! I love it! go check her out if you are in need of one!


Cayden got back from his cruise Sunday. It seems as though a good time was had by all. Little Miss was so excited to see him, she reached over and grabbed his face and started pulling his hair.. it was cute, he seemed just as happy to see her too, he resisted from pulling her hair though ;) 

a pic of him with a mexican dancer..that term doesn't really seem PC, but I guess its okay since Carnival put it on the boarder? I dunno..

We had visitation yesterday and the parents didn't show up. Apparently having it rescheduled last week caused mass hysteria and they forgot about it. Oh and they moved again. Conveniently after the SW told them she would need to come out and inspect their home. so yeah..that was convenient..So after waiting 20 minutes her worker comes and says we can leave, and she comes over to do her monthly diaper change observation and little mini inspection. It was pretty uneventful.. she is nice enough, but sometimes I really wish we had someone a little older, more experienced.. thats alright though. Little miss jumped and played and gave me some sloppy sweet kisses when the worker was here. It was almost as she were saying 'LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM!!'  love her so much...


My 30th was good. Went to eat at Olive garden with my BFF and enjoyed some peach tea..mmmm! and that pm we went to Jalepeno grill with my MIL and FIL and had some yummy fajita's. So I did get a day off of cooking! My mom brought over a blue berry pudding cake which I had a small piece of before falling into a food coma.. Tonight we are going to Dave & Busters with some friends. I am glad to be going, a little disappointed that a few people aren't going for this or that reason, but I should not really be surprised, it happens..and our history has proven it over and over. We go to stuff, if one can't go the other goes, even when it was hard on us after losing Ella, we went to parties, showers, etc.. If its for someone I care about, we make an honest effort to go, and it sucks that people that are suppose to care about us don't make it a priority. ((This rant is about more than my Bday party, its about benefits and things we've done and much more I won't go into)) I will say this though, for every one person that lets us down, we have two that more than make up for it, we are more than blessed with some super fantastic friends and family!


I think it goes without saying that I am a little down lately, I feel stressed and anxiety ridden again.. I think it has to do with the holidays coming up, just a few weeks is Thanksgiving and a little after that is Christmas. I can't believe that we are entering another holiday season without her. It seems as though one would think it would get easier each season, but apparently this season is not the one to let up..I look at my beautiful family and all that we have and realize I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and son, and now a sweet baby girl that loves me more than anyone else.. I am not trying to discredit this at all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and am so thankful, but I can't help by wander if I will ever again feel 'normal'..when (if) we adopt little miss and its final, will I feel complete? or will this ache in my chest be there forever reminding me of what we lost..People suffer, people lose babies, kids all of the time...and they seem so normal, so happy..are they faking or is it true, and if it is true, how do I get there? I just miss her...
I can't believe this was 2 years ago..Here is a video of Ella griping while waiting for her doctor to come in at about 8 weeks old..We do have more video, but it hurts so bad to watch it..anyone else experience this? I can handle pics, but videos feel like I am having my heart torn out of my chest..anyway, be sure to turn the music off below..

Lord, fill this coat...

December 26, 2008, Jay and I went shopping with his mom. We returned a few things, spent some gift cards, grabbed lunch, all with our healthy beautiful baby girl in tow. She loved to shop, to be pushed in the stroller, she'd just watch everyone and enjoyed the change of scenery as well as the strangers doting over how perfect she was. We had no clue at that time what was going on inside of her tiny body, we had no clue that just a few days later, we'd be sitting in the PICU praying for God to spare her life.. While in one of the stores we spotted this, and Nancy wanted to get it for her, even though it was big at the time, she could wear it in a few winters..so here we are fall, a few months will turn to winter, and guess who is not here to wear her coat? When I hang up Little Miss's clothes in the closet, this always catches my eye..

 I can close my eyes and imagine her wearing this to church. I can imagine the black tights and black shiny shoes on her feet, a black hat to keep her sweet little head warm and gloves for her precious hands.

24 months, she would be 24 months now, she would have looked like a little model and I am certain she would have worn it for our 2010 Christmas cards. Most of the time I imagine her as a 9 month old baby, but occasionally I can think of her older, her 'adjusted' age. I wonder what she would look like, what she would sound like, would she be loud or shy? Would she be talking well? potty training? My heart aches to know these things, I wish I knew someone who could sketch a pic of her adjusted age, like they do for the children who are missing and abducted..I wish I could see her one more time. a glimpse.

I am praying that next winter Little miss is ours and we can put her in this coat for our 2011 Christmas cards, that I can post them, because she will be ours and no longer 'foster'..that is our prayer anyway..Lord, let us have a little girl long enough to be a toddler, long enough to fill this coat....

Now, I know...

I knew we wanted you before you were born.
I knew you would be loved to heaven and back, no matter what.
I knew you would melt your daddys heart the minute you two met eyes.
I knew we would be attached at the soul from the second I first heard your heart beat,
you were mine and I was yours forever.
I knew you were the most beautiful little girl from the second we laid eyes on your perfect face.
I knew that the sound of your soft voice was music to my ears, I'd listen to you jabber and couldn't help by gleam with joy.
I knew your soft skin needed to be shaded, gaurded and protected, and I knew it was our job to protect it from harm.
I knew your sweet eyes always looked as though they were holding a secret..
I knew I would hold you for hours on end and not even think about anything else..
I knew you were sent straight from Heaven and the answer to our prayers.

I did not know that you were going to only be staying for 8 months and 29 days, this must have been the secret you could not share.
I did not know that it was possible to feel so much pain for another person.
I did not know what it truly was to be rendered completely helpless.
I did not know your voice would one day be silent, and we would do anything for just another rambling.
I did not know that you would fade before our very eyes.
I did  not know that someone so little could fight so hard.
I did not know that that we had you sweet girl, only to say good bye.
I did not know it would still hurt this bad 15 months after losing you.
I certainly did not know that you wouldn't be here to celebrate your 2nd birthday..

Now, I know...

my own personal kind of heroine...

13 months out and I still crave her.. I close my eyes and remember what she felt like, what she smelled like, her laugh, her sweet smile, her haunting big blue eyes.. 13 months and I still feel the NEED for her..not want, of course I want her here, I could say that most want her here still, but I NEED her.. I need her like an addict needs his next fix. I've gone through my rehab (therapy) but it makes me need more tolerable..its not so over whelming that I can't function anymore..but its aways there.. Hopefully this week sometime, we'll have some little feet in the house, and I am so glad and so grateful this is the decision that we made, to help kids who need it the most..but even then..it will still be there.. the need for her.. and honestly I hope it never goes away..its what reminds me that she was here in the first place..

randomness

We signed our foster and adoption contract yesterday. I felt joy, relief and guilt...mostly joy and relief, but that guilt hit shortly before..Is it too soon? Does this mean we'll think of Ella less, miss her any less? They said 3-4 days to get it all done and they will contact us for a placement..3-4 days left to mourn for her? Last night I was thinking about it and have came to the conclusion, that even if I have 18 other kids, I will still miss her equally. Its not too soon, our hearts tell us this is the right thing for our family.. its the path we were meant to go..that is not saying we were 'meant' to lose her, but we did, and for now, we need to proceed with our life and not be stuck in her death. She existed, she was perfect, she was everything we wanted and needed and so much more, but she is gone..Its not going to do me, or anyone else any good for me to wallow in my self-pity. We will grieve, mourn and remember her until we are reunited in heaven. I know my doubts come from the devil, trying to keep us from helping others, trying to keep us from joy, comfort, etc etc..We are excited to make a difference, to help, to be a blessing to others..and in the meantime, we'll pray for our family to be completed forever. I thought about creating another blog about foster/adoption, but have decided not to..this was our story before her, and is our story of 'Attempting to love life without her'..its us finding our new normal..so I will blog here about the other things, and I certainly understand if I lose readers..its not just a loss blog (which in all honesty has been for the past 13 months) ...We are moving on, not without her, but with her in our hearts instead of our arms...

In other news, our lovely, intellegent and beautiful pal Mandi has taken more pics of C-man, and soon will take a few family pics, so here are a few she's let us sneak a peak at..he looks so big, doesn't he?! he went from my baby to my not-so-little-any-more-man!

here are a few conversations we've had lately...he's so smart and soo funny...
~*~*~*~
C- If  K gave baby H up to the state, would you take her?
Me- ((laugh)) ummm..I don't think that is ever going to happen, but I am sure we would..
C- I know they wouldn't but .. but that would be good, she is not sick one little bit..
((sigh))
Me~ maybe we'll get one just as cute
C~ that can't happen, none can compare to her cuteness...except Ella, she's the cutest in Heaven though..


Me- We sign our contract tomorrow, maybe this week we'll have a little girl!
C- What?! your were pregnant with Ella for 9 months,  we've only been waiting 4..I haven't had time to prepare!
Me~ prepare? for what?! Do you need more time?
C~ no, but there goes sleeping in all summer..
me~ ((laugh)) I will close your door if we get up early..promise..

He is such a turkey..he is excited and anxious about what age we are going to get..we all are :)

to hold her one more time..

I've had moments that I regretted putting Ella's wubby in with her when she was buried. She was attached to this bunny and always snuggled it and kissed it..I have had moments where I wished we would have kept it, like she snuggled with it, so if we held it, it would be like we were holding her.. what I wouldn't give to hold her one more time..one more smell, one more touch of her soft sweet skin..

About a month ago, our local news ran a clip about Tynsey's miracle bears..I instantly got online and decided we needed one..Here is the kicker though, it meant we had to find something of sentiment, but something that could be cut up and used for the bear..Gag..maybe it was a bad idea..I can't do this..they are precious to us..how can I let them go? But I am not letting them go, this way they will be with us forever right? so here are the bears, We ordered one and my MIL ordered one. I have two more to send off for my mom and Jays granny.. but they were done so fast and I am so glad we decided to do them..to hold tight to when we are missing her too much...the pics were taken with my phone, sorry about the quality..

this one is mine, notice the arms? I blogged about this onsie here..the other is pj's and the feet and ears are a bib we took..

this is Nancy's..I loved the little flowered pajamas on her..she wore them all of the time..the other was  a little romper we had..

I am glad we did it, they turned out beautifully.. right now it sits in her room..if/when we get a placement, (see the journey to foster/adoption tab for updates) we'll put it in ours so it doesn't get torn up..

how time changes things..and sometimes doesn't...

I was just sitting here thinking and was curious about my posts this time last year, so I took a quick look and this was it..my how things change over a year and how others remain the same..


Tomorrow is a month since she has been gone.. a month since we've smelled her sweet breath, a month since we've heard her sweet voice, a month that last forever and has seemed as though its flew by, both at the same time...--June 18,2009

then~ I would walk into her room daily and touch all of the things she touched, look in her closet and glance at all of the things she never got big enough to wear, the hair ribbons we never got a chance to use, the toys she didn't have the energy to play with. I would hug and smell the blankets just trying to get a tiny whiff of her.
now~ I walk in and while I still think of her the entire time, I am ready to share it, hopefully soon..we've changed some things in there, added a twin, pulled in a different color and took down all of Ella's personal items. We had a sign up that said 'I found my prince and his name is daddy' a painting my cousin did of her name made into a wonderful collage of all things girly..we had her name up in pink and brown with polk a dots that my best friend spent forever trying to perfect..*which they are* so its still her room, but its not so much "HER" room..I think she would be proud of us, getting to a point where we are comfortable letting others in.
then~ I would cry day and night..and all hours in between..there was no okay, no time where I wasnt just a small saying or look that would make me crumble..
now~ I still cry, I try to designate a time to release it, I try to be okay..some days trying is not enough and its too hard and I allow myself those days..
then~ I mourned for my baby, my sweet snuggly girl that made us  laugh and cry all at the same time
now~ still mourning my baby, but more so my sassy and bossy toddler..the curly haired little diva that would have completely rocked our world with attitude..
then~ I couldn't see beyond our pain..Its not that I didn't care about others pain and problems, it was just not there, that compassion I normally feel.. I felt like "you think you have problems, you bury your daughter and then lets talk"
now~ while I will always be angry that she is not with us, I am not mad, you know really pissed anymore..I still have the moments where I think others pain or situations is nothing compared to mine, but not as many..I can honestly say that I am sorry for your loss, or sorry for your pain, the situation you are in, etc etc and I mean it..with my entire heart I mean it..for those close to me, I would do just about anything to keep them from going through pain of loss or hardships ever again..
then and now~ things that haven't changed..
*I wonder if people still think of her, if they still miss her..whether its been a month or a year.. last weekend one of my very best friends was talking about things that reminded her of Ella, and it made me feel so good..I know we think of her, her family..but what about others?
* I have a bit of a hard time around pregnant women and newborns..its not at all personal, and I can now be around a little older babies and toddlers fine (mostly) but pregnancy and newborns are hard for me..some days are easier than others, but its something I am working on..considering everyone and their dog around me is pregnant..I think its all because I don't know if I will ever be pregnant again, will we ever have a baby that is our DNA? and its so sad to think that we won't. I also keep thinking of all of the things that should have told me she was sick so early on..in my pregnancy I just had this worry, constantly and when she was born, she was so small, didn't eat well, didn't gain weight, didn't hold her head well, things I feel like as a mom that I should have caught on to..so again, its not personal, its all about issues that I am dealing with..
* I miss her and think of her all of the time.. I think of who she was, and who she could have been, I think of the things we'll never get to do with her..even though my heart aches the same as it did 13 months ago, I've adapted..I know I will never be the same after her.. I am so grateful for the 8 months and 29 days she was with us.. I am grateful for the almost 7.5 months that she did pretty well, she was awake, talking, playing, and giving us memories of her..she was here, and she made an impact..a big one..
* I would give the world for just a little more time with her..

isn't she the prettiest baby you've ever seen? I could be partial.. :) but no really, isn't she!

this grief journey is a rough one, I think its so interesting to see where we were and where we are now in it.. I never in a million years thought we would be functioning with out her, but I keep her close to my heart always. I think of her in Heaven just playing with all of her friends that are just hanging out waiting on thier parents too..

today its bad...

The flowers smell so beautiful

I tried to pick them and pull

They're nailed to the ground

I wanted to give them to you, but I can't now

There, the apple's of Edan I saw before me

I would have given you the whole tree

When I went to get that red fruit I was scared

Wishing that you were with me there

Went to bed with you on my mind

Watched the clock tick, but that didn't speed up time

Looked for you in my sheets I thought you hid in

I tried to remember where you had been

Walking with just my shadow by my side

I try to hug it, but we only collide

No one to wipe the tears again today

I had to curl my finger up and wipe the drop's away

I wrote a letter to explain how I felt

When I did the sentences only seemed to melt

Three words came through,

The only thing written on the page was: “i miss you”

I am still on internet break, but wanted to share this..today is hard..I keep coming back to the computer as if something on it will make me feel better..sigh..

all over the map~ part 2

I have this overwhelming sadness that has absolutely consumed me..but I am a year out...Its not acceptable for me to shed random tears or to feel on edge about nearly everything..No one has said anything, but I feel like its necessary to keep my constant cool..Why do I have guilt about still grieving? there is that time limit I've placed again..Most of the time I do okay, and even if I am not, I feel like I do a good enough job of masking the pain..but its there..I still feel sorry for myself and my family..I am still angry that she is not running around the house like a little mad woman.. I feel sad that my emotions turn into anger because its easier to "explain" anger or frustration.. I feel sorry for myself and then I see the prayer requests, the agonies of all of the other mothers just begging for a break for their children as they are fighting, barely hanging on..I see this and I realize that although I miss her, she is not suffering, seizing, feeling so weak that she can't even move..she is dancing and singing with all of the other babies and children that were taken too soon..in Heaven..in total and complete joy..I told you I was all over the map.. I feel that comfort and peace, but I am also sad, angry, resentful, and so betrayed because this life wasn't meant for suffering..or so I thought.. I get by some days easier than others, some the world seems so heavy..I get by.. thanks to the grace of God and by knowing I am not the only one walking this path..so many have gone before, and with me now, and sadly, there will be more that join along the way...anyhow, I was looking back through some of my old posts, and very appropriately to my mood today, I re-read this one and wanted to share again..

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

my toddler died..

Last night my toddler died..I've heard people say, and even said myself "not only do I mourn for her, who she was, but also who she could have been" the sassy fit-throwing toddler..the little girl who would cry to daddy every time she did not get her way..the first crush, the first school dance, first driving lessons, we will never have that with her here..I will never know her and the little spunky almost 2 year old she most likely would have been..(she was soo sassy without even speaking yet) and last night when I was asleep..she died..much like what happened last May 19th..but this time when I looked down and hugged my baby, I came up and she was a curly haired toddler..the exact one I stole here.. I touched her sweet face and cried and stood completely broken..the same exact feeling as when she flew away last May...again I woke up to a completely soaked pillow and felt my heart break into a million tiny pieces..instead of laying and crying even more, I thought of her in Heaven..playing with all of her little friends that are waiting on their own mommys and daddy's. I thought of how she would not want me to be sad for her..but to be proud of her, to be proud of her fight, and honor her..I prayed for peace and the will to get out of bed and to make it a day worth while.. and so I just got up. I've been thinking about her all morning. I miss her like crazy.But like Cayden says "she wouldn't come back if she had the choice, because she is in the best place ever" ..so today my toddler died and I am dealing with it..hour by hour and day by day.. that's the best I can do..






BIG CHANGE OF SUBJECT!!
so I found this cool little site that you could make stick families.. Some have little babies with halo's, but this one didn't.. but I liked the "people" better..so I played with it some.. I added Ella..and then moved her to the side because she is physically not with us.. I looked at it for a bit and thought if I moved her back, then people would assume she was with us still.. so I moved her back by us..she is still with us.. assume away..she is with us with every single breath we take, every time our hearts beat, Ella is with us..

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

don't we just look like the happiest family ever?

no clever title today...

I am not sure if it is my job, the process of being approved to take in and help other children, or if it is because May 15th is rapidly approaching, but I feel as though my top is about to explode. My brain literally hurts. My heart often beats so fast that I can feel it all through out my body. I even have to stop and think about what was going through my mind just a few seconds before..its normally one of the 3 before mentioned topics. I have woken to find myself buried face down in a tear soaked pillow nearly every morning for a week. I have done this off and on through the course of the year, but not daily..not since the first month or two.. I think of her and hurt so bad. one year. how? why? where did it go?why is the pain so deep after so long?

So many feelings..anxiety, sadness and on top of it, I feel like a failure..I've been thinking about this time last year when I actually thought and prayed "Lord just take her so she isn't suffering anymore"..you read it right.. I can't believe I actually even had this thought.. And I know I have not put as much time into the basketball tournament/luncheon/fundraiser as I would have liked to, and would still like to, but what if people don't come? what if its a big flop and wasted time and effort.. what if people don't care anymore?. they don't care that she died, I think they expect us to move along..get over it..don't worry about awareness or a cure..even if everyone in the world can clearly define mitochondrial disease, and then ramble off the cure, it won't bring Ella back to us..and it won't..but I can't let time go by and not do anything for her.. to honor her..I dunno.. I think today is one of these days I should have just stayed in bed..I just can't fake happy at the moment.. sorry to be such a downer..

the saddest question..

I was looking at some pics this morning of a FB friends little girl, and Cayden walked up behind me and asked "Is she dead too?".....crap...this is the world he lives in..2 years ago, he would have NEVER asked this..broke.my.freaking.heart. So I think I will only be looking at my precious BLM's blogs/FB's while he is away..He needs to know that people have kids that don't die.. I don't want him to grow up where he believes its the norm that peoples babies die..which it is, I guess, but who wants to carry that burden their entire life? I would think it would make you extremely sad or worry constantly or the opposite completely desensitize one to death.. either way, I think we need to show him hope, show him that the world can be good sometimes..its not all sadness and loss.. I know he is all too familiar with this side of the universe, I am not going to assume he will ever just forget about it.He doesn't walk around sad or anything, he's happy, plays, laughs, still its obviously in the back of his little head..he needs the other side too..he is just a kid,I always say the world isn't rainbows and sunshine all of the time, but for a child, it should be right? He certainly deserves it.. he has been through so much..not just losing his sister, but being shuffled around, taken out of sports and things he loved for a year, and then having to watch as everyone around him grieved the same loss as him..it is a lot to deal with for being 10 yrs old. When I was 10 my worries were if I had enough play time, if my friends could stay the night, if we could order pizza, sure as hell was not if someone else I loved would die, or if another family was feeling this loss also.. So I am feeling a bit blue and a little anger about the entire situation once again..my daughter is dead and my son is dealing with some big stuff.. and my home inspection is this afternoon..sad, anxious and nervous, what a cocktail of emotion..

stealing babies...

I had a dream late last night that I saw a curly brown haired girl in a park playing and running and she ran to a woman that I did not recognize..I was walking a few steps behind them when they finally stopped at a table. I asked how old she was and she said "about 20 months.."I looked at the girl and she faced me..it was Ella..I grabbed her and said "this is my daughter, how did you get her?!" I briskly walked away trying to get the attention of my family and she was chasing me screaming that she was hers.. I finally got to Jay and he looked at her and then looked at me like I was crazy.."I found her" I exclaimed.. The lady said "No, this is my baby, yours died!" What? how would she know this? She was a complete stranger..Jay told me to give the lady back her baby and I wept "LOOK at her! Its her..ITS HER!" "no"..he said "Jen, its not" I looked down and the baby was snuggled around me, silent, peaceful.."look at her eyes, its her..." "No..its not, give the woman back her baby" I froze and couldn't move..just looking at her..and then I woke up..tears covered my pillow and my heart was beating so fast...I am not going to lie and say I had some bright enlightenment of what the dream could have possibly meant..I didn't..I laid there and cried myself back to sleep.. ugh..I miss her... I miss her big blue eyes..

and btw..I would never steal anyone's baby..be comforted preggie friends and family.. :)

dumb...

I have blogged about emails from the miscellaneous baby info folks. Yesterday Ella would have been 18 months old, so of course I got one that snuck through the cracks..( I have unsubscribed several times) and being the glutton for punishment that I am..what did I do? delete it and ignore..no I opened and read it.. big.dumb.idiot. I glanced and this part caught my eye..

She may like to copy what other people do. For example, your baby likes to imitate you and stretch his or her arms up high when you play "so big!" 

and it started..epic failure..when Cayden was little we did the "how big is Cayden" and he would laugh in anticipation of the ever-so-hilariousness of the "SO BIG"..and he would randomly do it himself and just laugh and laugh..so cute..so when I read this it was another cruel reminder of things we would miss with Ella..I can just imagine her laughing with excitement of what was coming..she laughed all the time, had this sweet little laugh and her eyes would open huge and it was the cutest thing ever.. so all day was crap. Jay was in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood. it was bad. so we decided to just take a break.. we took cayden to a movie and just got away for a bit, got our mind off of everything that was upsetting us.. I know one day I will be able to think of these things and smile..that day just was not yesterday..

As far as I know...

We made it through and no one mentioned Ella's name, except Jay.. our brother and SIL and his 2 boys did not make it to Jay's moms Christmas morning due to weather and something was said about being 4 people short, Jay said "no, 5 people short" and that was it.. no one said anything else.. to my knowledge anyway.. I talked to my mom a little about it and I know it's hard to know what to say, no one wants to make us upset..I get it..and actually going into it, I thought it would be better if no one said anything, but man..it stung..watching the kids play(again) and remembering last Christmas telling Ella how "next year will be more fun for you".. I had no clue what this would mean now.. she did have more fun this year..she danced at our Saviors feet on his birthday.. I honestly believe this..I believe the scripture, that we will be raised up and meet him and Ella in the air one day.. I believe that God gives us what we need, when we need it.. right now though, it doesnt help..it doesnt sting any less.. and for the life of me I cannot figure out why in the world its just plain not enough..the lack of her name makes me feel like she is already forgotten, and to hear her name sometimes breaks my heart.. where is the happy medium? Where is the peace and comfort? we are 7 months without her, and it is a little easier.. I have less of the moments of panic/anxiety/loss.. I fear the day when she will be gone longer than she was with us..crazy right, because any time without her is too much, but that 8 month and the 30th day.. its so scary..

Anyway..we made it through Christmas..Cayden got some good stuff and so did we.. I have no pics or videos.. and feel just awful about it, but we just could not get into it this year.. the tree and all of the decorations are down and we are back to normal... as normal as it gets around here anyway..

"I don't know how you do it."

I hear/read this often "I don't know how you do it" I would be a mess, you would have to lock me up etc etc.. first off...nobody asked us, we didn't voluntarily give up our baby.. second..define "it"..what exactly is it that we are doing? Barely getting by? Having to force ourselves out of bed, because as much as we would LOVE for the world to stop, it doesnt.. it keeps going round and round, despite our broken hearts..despite our fears, our grief, our loss.. Is it the fact that we paste on smiles and act as though we are doing well, while we both know that inside we are dying to crawl back into bed and cry.. pass through December, pass through Christmas, pass through the pain of watching C open his presents while our daughter is not here.. Is it that after she had just passed, that I would pray that every headache was an anuerysm about to bust, so that I too could die.. to go to be with her?? Is it the not knowing what to say when my 9 year old asks if his sisters body is decomposing? no words, so I put off the conversation, and cry because I don't know how or what to say..He thinks about it..about awful things that 9 year old kids should never ever have to deal with.. so I guess he is doing "it" too, right??what is IT that I am doing? That my husband and son are doing..because honestly..we don't want to do it anymore.. we want to be happy again.. we want to be complete again..no body asked us, and quite frankly, it just pisses us off that we are in the position that we have no choice... but to wake up every day and do "it"...day after day after day..