Monday, May 9, 2011

I've lost my muchness..

10 days will be 2 years without my sweet princess.. I have been thinking about her all of the time..not that I don't always, but I have REALLY been thinking about her..who she would be, what her voice would sound like putting sentences together.. 2 years... and some days I am still having to remind myself to breathe.. We put tubs of things in the attic, they had been in the step further from being out of sight.. I've been thinking about Heaven, about how selfish I am for wanting her back here.. she is in perfect peace and perfect love, and I want her back here...I want to chase her around when I am chasing Lily.. I want to hear them laugh together, I want to hear C yell for me to come and get them..instead he lets L grab everything she wants because he realizes what a gift it is for her to be here, with us in our home.. Is it wrong for me to think about a different life.. I have what God has planned for me, and as hard as I try, some days its just not enough.. sometimes I just cant help but let the tears fall..

I had imagined that grief would be easier 2 years out..I knew I would always miss her, but I thought the deep down in the pit of my soul kind of pain would let up.. and I feel like such a jerk for carrying it around .. Focus on what I do have.. Cayden, brilliant, hilarious and so sweet..Lily is our little fire cracker..a true miracle, beautiful, funny and so adorable.. Its enough, right? I have family and friends that would kill for that.. so I feel terrible for not being 100% happy 100% of the time. I feel like so much of my joy has been restored the past year, I do feel so blessed.. I have wonderful friends, the best family.. just that 'little extra' is missing.. I've lost my muchness I believe.. and I think unless the Lord sees it fit to raise the dead, I will be without it until I'm taking my last breath.but I am working on it.. more importantly, He is still working on me.. I am learning to take the joy I have now and run with it.. and know that one day my muchness will return on the other side..