Tuesday, March 8, 2011

a few thoughts and a break..

So I know this time of year is rough for lots of people, not just me. C will be 11 years old and LM will be 1!! I am working on a party, but am having trouble just getting stuff done. I feel like I just want to sit, feel sorry for myself and remember her.. March 09, we thought putting a feeding tube in would buy us more time with her, but it didn't..she caught a virus and that triggered the seizures. I can't help but think if we just held off, or if she hadn't gotten that virus, if it would have given us another week, two, a month or even more? If we hadn't insisted on taking her home, would the seizures have been able to control? They could have treated faster, what if that 12 hours at home is what brought on the beginning of the end? I keep thinking of sitting in that chair by her bed in the PICU, wires everywhere. I had my knee's pulled up to me, sobbing, feeling so guilty. The doctors all assured me, that it was not my fault, but how do I convince my heart? For the most part, I do have peace about her passing. I know she is in no pain, she is 100% healed from this horrible disease..Every now and then these feelings seep through though..

It will be 2 years in May. How far we've come in 2 years.. leaps and bounds. I can close my eyes and think of her and smile, I was certain for a long time that I would never smile again, and if I did, I had extreme guilt about it..2 years..there are fewer and fewer traces of her ever being here now..that burns a little. Very rarely is she brought up, I don't find little socks or pieces of her around the house anymore. Her blankets and clothes no longer have her sweet scent..how has it really been this long?

I am blessed though. C and L make me laugh and smile, they give me joy that I can feel deep into my soul. I am excited for Spring, more new beginnings..more memories to make...

Anyhow I am going to take a blogging break for a while. I haven't had a ton to say lately anyway.. I am thinking of making some blog changes... I will keep you posted.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

kill me with cuteness...

C came in to sit with L for a second so I could grab her towel real quick from her room and I came into this..seriously cute..  ((nevermind the crazy hair, we had just taken her pony tail out))

~scroll all the way down to the bottom and pause or turn down the playlist..

Thursday, March 3, 2011

all is quiet on the front..

So I have not blogged much lately. Things have been pretty quiet around here for a change, and we are LOVING it..I have not heard much on the adoption front, except that the big push to have everything done is June.. made me wonder if that was their fiscal end of year? no clue..so for now we wait!

Cayden will be 11 on the 30th and Lily also will be 1 year at the end of this month also! I can't believe how fast time is just flying by. I am most likely going back to work (out of the home) around the 1st of April. I have never left Lily for any amount of time and have some serious anxiety about it. She also clearly has seperation issues. Every time we take her to church, she refuses to stay in the nursery and one of us has to leave service to sit with her. So we haven't gone alot, which I hate, but I honestly do not know what to do..she cries and cries and cries and the poor nursery volunteers just won't do the trick. Poor Cayden every week has asked if we were going to church and we dont.. Jay and I have been discussing taking turns in going and taking Cayden. He needs to be there just as much as we need to be there.. any advice on seperation anxiety? other than just throwing her in? ((which I will not do!))