happy happy happy day..

As I am sitting on my bed attempting to work, I hear playing in the hallway and the sweetest little voice repeating 'happy.. happy.. happy daaaay!' Today however is no different than any other day. Christmas is over, the tree is back in the attic, its just another normal day..I love that the simple things bring her joy.

I am not sure if I ever blogged about this or not, but about a month after Lily was placed with us, we got a call for a 21 month old little girl that was most likely going to be up for adoption soon. I spoke with Jay and we agreed to try. I picked her up at the shelter and she was bruised and sad looking and latched to my leg and wanted me to hold her instantly. I was signing the placement papers and a supervisor brought a bottle of prescription pain reliever over and when I asked what it was for, she simply said 'I think she has a cough'.. I have been in the medical field for 10+ years and know this is not for cough and when I told them that I was ceertain it was for pain, she acted like I was out of line for asking. I shook it off and took her with us. My MIL had went with me, we dropped LB off with my mom so we could go get a few things for her. As the day went on it was more and more aparent that this little girl had been through something horrible. I got home with both of the girls and I hear LB screaming, I walked in and the little girl had thrown her cup at her and was trying to get her to stop crying by putting her hand on Lilys face and screaming. I knew what I had to do, and it broke my heart, but in the pit of my stomach I knew this was not a match for our family. I called the worker and she begged me to keep her over the weekend. I told her what had happened and she told me to take her back to the shelter. When I got back, another worker met me and told me the girls history and to say I was baffled is to put it lightly. this.poor.poor. baby girl...my heart broke into pieces for her. I spoke with the worker and told her that in my opinion she really needs to be placed in a place where she is the youngest if not only small child.. She agreed and seemed confused on why I was not told the circumstances up front..which I would certainly like to know also.

So here we are a year + later and Lily is the girls age. I can't imagine throwing her into the system and expecting her to just adapt to the constant change, and she has had a good life, a happy happy girl, but I know even for a happy go lucky girl, that it would be difficult. This other little girl though, had been through hell, literally, and just needed a family of her own, someone to shape her and to mold her into the person she could be. Lately I have been feeling guilty, but I have to trust that she went to someone that could help her and dedicate the time and attention to her that she needed.

This little girl is the reason we chose to adopt through the state versus adopting through an agency. The kids no body wanted, the damaged kids. We were blessed with Lily, things were hard at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We could have submitted a life book and came home with a neat little perfect newborn, but we knew that was not what we were meant to do. We could have skipped the grueling visitations, the not knowing of what's next with her, but we knew there was something different in store for us.

This holiday season I kept thinking about the kids left celebrating in the shelters across the world. I thought about this other little girl, she is 3 now, does she have a family? Did she get to open presents with a mom and dad? I thought about LB, what if things hadn't worked out like they did, what if we had kept little man or sweet pea for another month, where would she be? would she be in the shelter? I will not ever know the answer to any of these questions, but I am thankful that this is the road that was chosen for us.

The training isn't bad, you don't have to own a big house, have tons of money, have perfect credit, its really pretty simple.We were told that we would never get a baby, do you know how many calls I have had for babies? I was expecting to wait forever, and it wasn't long at all until our phone was ringing. I was told it may be a while before we get one to adopt, if things had ran smoothly and our first adoption worker was capable, we could have finalized our adoption in 6 months after her placement.  I know this road is not for everyone, and all of them are not the same.. but if you are thinking about it, or have ever thought about it, let me know, reach out.. because the pain, the confusion, the hassle of visitations, court days, monthly visits.. its worth it..every time I see this girl smile and every time I her sing  happy happy day, I know it was all worth it..so worth it in fact that we are keeping our hearts open, and praying that God would let us know when/if we need to open our doors again..

red coat...

I am not sure if you will remember this post from last year, but if you do, you will understand the importance of this picture..

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try it on her.. I've been staring at it in the closet for three years now.. I put it on and she looked down and said "oh cute!" .. I sat in the floor of her room watching her examine it and fought back tears.. for so long I secretly worried that God did not hear my prayers. I figured maybe I had held so much anger in after Ella that he just quit listening to me.. put me on mute or something..I thought of those long nights I spent rocking her praying for him to let me keep her, begging, bargaining..much the same as I did with Ella in those final weeks.. I thought about all of the pain I carry with me constantly and she will make me smile,  just like that.. her and cayden will dance and beat box together and it kills me that Ella is missing, but to see him smile and laugh with her, and the way he loves her, I know God listens and he has exceeded all of our expectations, and shame on me for doubting that.. Seeing Lily in Ella's coat comforts me, I could not save Ella, but instead we got to make this sweet girls life all that she deserves.. I don't believe anyone ever comes full circle after a loss of a child, I have accepted that until Heaven, that I'll be incomplete..Sometimes though, when I least expect it I feel a comfort or peace cover me, and as I sat in her room that evening, it happened, It was a quiet whisper "I'm here"   Thank God for never giving up on us, even when we give up on him..

kill me with cuteness...

C came in to sit with L for a second so I could grab her towel real quick from her room and I came into this..seriously cute..  ((nevermind the crazy hair, we had just taken her pony tail out))

~scroll all the way down to the bottom and pause or turn down the playlist..

Little Miss perfect...

Last week our sw met with LM's indian tribal representative and they signed off on the adoption!I am told that an adoption worker will be in contact with us soon.. This was our big hurdle, she belongs to a different kind of tribe than Jay does, so they could have caused a fuss and possibly had her removed to a home that is the same as she is..BUT praise the Lord, apparenly her tribe and Jay's are 'sister tribes'..Our worker came this morning for her monthly check and we talked some. She said that right now is just time to wait for everything to come together. There is normally a 6 month probabation period before adoption,but since we have had her since August and only us have her (no breaks or other issues) that the time spent should apply as our 6 months. SOOO God willing we could have her adoption final by the time she turns 1 in March!

She is doing wonderfully, she could probably walk if she had a tad more courage, but she will get there when she is ready :) She says momma, dada, bubba,  my pop (my papa), bye bye, yaaayyyy (with clapping), she says 'HI!' but only to our dog..seriously, I can't get her to say it ever, but will climb up on Molly and say 'HI!'.. she is a miracle.. we adore her..even if she is almost 10 months old and hasnt slept through the night for us yet ;)  The past few nights have been rough, she is so tired, I am exhausted and I just can't get her to stay asleep.. I think of how I felt not too long ago, I thought of this post, I thought of how then, and now,  how I wished I could go back and spend more time with her, middle of the night, day, whatever, whenever..I always tell everyone when they mention how tired I look that 'one day she will sleep through the night'..and she will.. but what I am not going to do is wish away her infancy, wish her older, get aggrivated because I don't sleep 7-8 hours with out interruption.. She.is.our.miracle. She's brought me back to life, and I don't dare wish away a second that I could spend with her or Cayden.. well that is my soapbox, I think we kind of like the little gal.. :)

I have shared pics with friends on facebook,but I think it is now safe to introduce our Little Miss to all of my bloggy friends too..  We are changing her name to Lily Belle ((we've already been calling her this)) For obvious reasons I will not share her given birth name.. it doesn't matter anyway..from here til forever she is our Lily :)

I know for some BLM's it is hard to read blogs about other children, I understand and respect that, I do not plan on creating another blog..this is our story from before Ella and us continuing on our journey without her..so I understand completely if its too much to see baby pictures and to hear of babies..

without further ado..to see our baby girl, scroll down!!
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Isn't she the best?!?!

8 months!

((this is a little late, but I wanted to have record, so here I go)

8 months old and here is all you can do!

you scream DADADADADA and LALALALA all of the time.. we try to get you to say mama, but you are a defiant little soul :)

you crawl so fast all over the place, I tease that you crawl like Gullom from lord of the rings, you use your right leg to move you and your left is on stand by incase you need to stand quickly, its quite hilarious to watch..

You pull up to everything and always seem so proud of yourself, you look around to make sure we have seen you and smile with those big beautiful dimples!

you are feeding yourself some, we started with puffs, and now you are a pro! you love shredded cheese, scrambled eggs and anything else you can put your little fingers on.. Molly also loves that you are sharing with her so much..

You love 'yo gabba gabba' every morning you sit in the high chair and eat breakfast and watch one episode when I get ready for the day. you clap and sing and say 'yaaaaayyyy' the entire time..

you are 21.8 lbs and tall and very lean! Most clothes are 12 months and fit you pretty well! your hair grows longer every day, I love to put it in pigtails and bows.

you don't sleep through the night, you wake up once, sometimes twice. I don't mind though, I secretly am relieved to hear you over the monitor, I get to check on you and make sure you are okay or give you a bottle. I love rocking you while you sleep..just me and you in the quietest of quiet.. you sleep snuggled up breathing in my ear as I thank God for you and pray to keep you forever..

On Dec 31, 2010 you will be 9 months old, 2 days older than Ella, I am anxious to see what 9 months looks like on a little girl, I see little pieces of her when I look at you, even though you are not blood related, you are sisters. C has said from day one that you were sent as a blessing via Ella's request.. to make us happy again. And that you do baby girl.. The thought of all 3 of my babies fills my cup...

inconceivable...

Her worker called and I waited til last minute to pick up the phone. I was so afraid of bad news. She said 'they are terminated' and I began to weep. I couldn't even get a word out..finally, I was able to spit out 'thats wonderful'..she told me that a worker from another county came and testified about their history and losing the previous 3 children. The D.A presented evidence they had and she told her findings. They have 30 days to appeal the decision, but the court appointed lawyer withdrew when the parents no showed, so they would have to pay for their private attorney, and if we are being honest, what are the chances of that? and even if they were to appeal, the judge was very much in favor of LM's best interest, which do not include her bio-rents.

I spent most of last night and earlier this morning thinking of how we, as a family, would get through losing her. I psyched myself out by expecting things to not go in our favor. I still am half way expecting a 'but wait..' sort of call..Her worker said that they have to make sure all immediate family has been notified and given a chance, ((which she said they have been, more than once)) and that an adoption worker would be contacting us. I feel like I have just given birth in a strange sense, I feel like she truly belongs to me now,  I feel hopeful.. and I havent felt this happy, truly happy in 2 years..joy? what is that?? I just don't know what to do with it.. "welcome back old friend, stick around a while"... She didn't come from my body, and its nothing I would have imagined, but she is my rainbow, she is my beauty from the pain..she is our new hope...

should be so easy..

Walking through hobby lobby today seemed like a simple enough task before I left this morning..I was wrong. Let me start by telling you the whole story of my crash course to a broken heart day.

Little Miss came to me with only her newborn vaccinations ((there was no record of birth,medical history, or anything)) so the emergency foster parents had taken her in got the first, and I was to continue getting her caught up. Well every time we had an appt, it turned into a sick visit, i.e. ear infections, flu, and another ear infection. So today was the day. 9:30 this morning we arrived. Taken to the very room Ella received her vaccinations and first visits..(I am a freak and remember all of our past room numbers)  The doctor did the exam and visit, she clung to my neck and pushed him away for the most part. Nurse came in with 3 shots (5 vaccines) She has me lay her down and hold her arms.. I literally flashed back to Ella and felt an instant anxiety attack...'please, just hurry' is all I could get out..she pokes her fast and LM starts screaming, I am still flashing back and forth, feeling like I am about to lose it.."she is okay, mom" the nurse said..she had no clue what was happening in my head..I sit and rock her and compose myself and get her calmed down and leave the clinic.. I take her to my moms for a bit (I had a few errands and she was beyond tired already) and run to hobby lobby for a few items..

I got fabric I needed and headed to get some stuff for Ella's grave. I walked up and down and up and down the same aisles over and over.. I could feel my heart beating through my skin. All I could think of is how I am buying decor for my daughters grave..my. daughters. grave...that doesnt even sound natural, right?! so many flowers and options, I couldn't do it.. and the sad dreary christmas music.. what the crap? I hate Christmas music, but if you're gonna play it, speed it up, play something jolly for Heavens sake.. anyway, I hopped over a few aisles and walked aimlessly through the Christmas stuff. I picked up a few more things and promptly left.

My heart by this point had to be in a million pieces..at least. I kept thinking of Christmas 2 years ago, when we had her..she was perfect. she was happy. and we had no clue what was going on inside of her tiny body. I wish I could be haunted by the ghost of christmas past and take me back to then.. to see how happy and naive we were.. saying things like "next christmas she will be old enough to ....*fill in blank*.. I honestly thought since we made it through last years holiday season that this year would be easier.. but its not..it hurts more because its not so fresh, seems so long ago..and  because so often I look at people and wander if they still think about her.. do they remember how cute she was in her Christmas dress?  probably not..and that sucks..

 all 3 of these are from Dec 2008.
this was her excited face, always made us crack up!!!

Christmas dress on Christmas day, this is also the dress we buried her in..

 daddy and Ella in Branson, she loved the lights and did awesome the entire trip for being so stinkin' cold!!

LM has one visitation scheduled this week and her bio parents are due in court next week.. hopefully something is determined at that point.. because what we are doing now, is not good for her. the back and forth..or for us.. I pray the judge see's that the parents continue doing the same things that caused them to lose her as well as the other 3 previous children.. they don't show for over half of the visits, and aren't doing any of the work to prove themselves as fit parents.. I pray they don't show up and just lose their rights.. or that they just see how good she is doing and agree to sign over.. but it is so hard to be optimistic.. I have complete faith that God's will for her life will be done, as well as ours.. unfortunately I am very much aware that God's will doesn't always coincide with ours... so we'll see..if you pray, please pray..if not, maybe think of good vibes and send them our way in the next few weeks..

sorry to dump this today.. I haven't blogged alot lately.. everything is seeming so heavy.. stress over LM and her pending status, the stress of our daily life without Ella.. Its funny how you always assume things will be one way when you grow up. House, husband, job, 2 kids and 1 dog..we were so dang close.. you would think it all would just come so easy.. no one tells you that chances are you will have to fight like hell just to get the 'simple things'..ugh...Please oh please, just let this work out..

me and C with our new hope..



angry eyebrows...

Cayden use to watch Veggie tales all of the time, I will always remember one specific episode about angry eyebrows, yeah you guessed it, it was about letting go of anger.. seems like a simple enough concept right? The past week or so, I'm pretty sure I have been sportin' these brows.. I have just been angry and resentful..for no real reason I guess.. nothing major has happened. We still are trucking right along..  We had a visit with the bio parents Friday, it was super craptastic. We sat down and figured out visits for the next 3 weeks, and then we will see what happens in court and if we need to schedule more.. ((praying we don't!!) They had missed the 2 visits before that one, the mom showed up Friday, and we schedule another for today since our SW has court later this week. They once again no show..so 3 outta the 4 they couldn't get it together enough to show.. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly fine with them proving their imcompetence as parents over and over.. however, I am not confident in the court system, that even though they have essentially done nothing since losing her *or their 3 other kids in fact, I worry they will just hand her back. We love her and would take wonderful care of her..forever. Here is where the anger kicks in though.. I will clarify first that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LM and will never ever regret taking her, but it seriously pisses me off that we are going through this. It pisses me off that our daughter is gone, and I would die for another hour with her and they can't find time to awaken from their drunken stuper to even see her. It pisses me off that I don't know what is going to happen with her, with us..it pisses me off that I worry about losing her to her parents, to death...why can't I just have a normal thought process.. this is my daughter and she will be here in my home until she goes to college..it pisses me off that others all around me have babies, kids and are pregnant and it seems as they have no worries or concerns..they appear to be happy and normal...I just want that.. not to worry about things like what if she ends up back with her parents and turns into a replica of her mother? A very stereo typical black out raging drunk indian..yeah way to be oringinal.. loser. What if they send her back to them and we fall apart, can we handle such a loss? my heart tells me yes, I know we've been through the deepest of valleys, and while it would suck beyond everything, we would get through it.. worse though, what if something terrible happens to her? barf.. so there I am pissed that I am not normal.. I am pissed that all we've wanted for 6 yrs was for our family to be complete, and for 9 months it was, and now, its at risk again from being torn from our fingertips.. so.close... I keep praying for the lord to be gentle, to please let something go in our favor for once..Jay said the other night 'I know she makes you happy, but my worry is if they take her, that you will fall apart again..'  My thought is how can I fall apart when I am still so obviously broken? I think that loving her has helped me put back together myself, little bits at a time. I know I smile more, I love another child that isn't from my body, and that is comforting to know.. I know right now, we have her next week and the week after, so let me love her as if its going to be forever, because quite frankly, isnt that what she needs the most?  If she gets taken back, we will cross that bridge, but for now, I need to hang on to what I have in this moment..and more importantly what she needs in this moment..

paranoia will destroy ya..

The other night/early morning I had a dream, although at the time I didn't realize it was a dream. I heard a strange sound over the monitor that sounded like a water hose was going, I walked into the room and the humidifier was spitting huge amounts of water into the crib, I had just turned on the bathroom light, so it was dark, the water was standing and I could see blankets floating, I reached down and grabbed her up and she was cold and gone, I started crying and screaming NOT AGAIN!! NOT AGAIN!!Please not again.. I woke up soaked from the tears and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I check on her, and she is dry and in the bed and the humidifer is only sending out steam.

Next night, it was a little cool in the house, but I kept it that way so LM wouldn't get too warm and cause a coughing attack((still sick)). It was the night of the time change, so I expected her to wake up between 12:30 and 1:30am for a bottle. I woke up at 3:30 and realized she hadn't made a sound. I turn on the hallway light and walk in. She is lying as still as can be, and because her jammies are a little loose, I can't see her chest moving. I stick my finger in her hand and she doesn't squeeze. I touch her face and it was cool, she didn't open her eyes or move her face at all.. No, no, no, no, no, no is all I can remember thinking. I pick her up fast and she just melts into me, not making a sound, I pull her out a little and shake her (just once and not hard) she looked up at me as though I were insane. I sat in the rocker and started to cry..I kept thinking and wandering if I was going to be this way forever.. I was doubting my sanity, should I even be allowed to care for a baby? I changed her, fed her and rocked her back to sleep, holding her for well over an hour. I laid her back down, turned up the heat, and went to my bed and laid there, I think I fell asleep right before the alarm went off.

I realize she is 7 months old, and will eventually sleep through the night, sometimes not making a sound..its what most parents beg for right? So why does it make me turn into some sort of neurotic and paranoid freak of a person? Ella was sick. She fought for almost 5 months. It was not sudden..I will never forget what it was like holding her when she was gone..It is my worst fear to have that happen again..to hold a child I love when they are cold.. I do not walk around worrying she will pick up germs while crawling, I don't worry about this sort of thing all of the time, but when it does happen, it certainly makes me question whether I will ever be normal again..will I ever NOT be paranoid that something bad is right around the corner?

Joy 2.0

The truth is I have been seriously doubting if I would ever have joy again.. joy from with-in type of stuff, soul glowing through my eyes type of joy..I knew whether I had no more kids or a million that it would never be the same..not without her..
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and had a nice weekend with some great friends.. We laughed like we use to, like we meant it.. I had 2 kids with me again.. I saw Cayden with little miss, showing her all of the fun stuff, and there at the pumpkin patch it happened..it started as a little flicker..the I saw her with Jay, he was holding her, she was laughing and clapping all day. She loved being with us, she loved being with the other kids. I picked her up after she was 'getting me' and she grabbed my face and leaned her forhead to mine and met eyes and she smiled and then slimed me with a big kiss...my heart will always yearn for Ella, I will always imagine her with us. Our friends have a 2 year old girl and I could imagine her and Ella running around playing together. Truth is though, she is running around playing, she is not alone, she has all of her other friends that were taken too soon to keep her company..At the pumpkin patch though, the joy crept up and took over. Its not the same joy as it was 2 years ago, but a new adaptation of joy..joy 2.0?

This was an accidental pic, we were trying to get one of her face when being tossed up, I about deleted it and thought 'wait, that is kinda perfect'

She is not from us, her DNA is not the same as Caydens, mine or Jays. I don't know for sure if we will have her this time next year.  I don't know if we will have her 3 months from now. I hate it that others are stand-offish for her in fear that they will 'get attached' and then if they leave it will cause too much pain. Would I like to keep her forever, yes more than anything. Will it suck if her parents donors get her back, heck yes, we will fight like hell to keep her, don't doubt that..but the reason we decided to go this route of foster/adoption is because we needed to help those who needed us as much as we do them. She knows us as her family and she is ours..she needs love, she needs a family, she needs all of the things we have to give.. if these kids in foster care didn't need more than that, they'd stay in group homes, shelters and 'orphanages' She needs a mom, a dad and a brother. She needs grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins..I also keep thinking about these people that are reserving attachment for a later date, what if it takes years to know anything for sure? what if we get to keep her and they've missed out on so much because we aren't sure how long we get her.. Lets be real, even if she were to come from my body, there are no guarantees..I have a list of blogs of people who never imagined their children would not be with them.. If I were to have another baby, I can't imagine not attaching to them because they could be sick, or SIDS could happen, or accidents could happen. If that were the case, we'd never attach to anyone.. we'd be alone in our own spaces.. Could you imagine not having your attachements? your kids, your spouse, parents? I can't even fathom it. I love her like I am going to keep her forever, I am her mother and I would do no less for any other child... she needs me and I need her.. whether I end up hurt or not, I will never regret it..I don't regret falling desperately in love with Ella, and losing her about killed me.I'd do it over and over again if I needed to.. she is worth it, so worth it..same with little miss..totally and completely worth it..

more randomness...

Like the new blog design, I gave my self a birthday present of a new blog makeover! Franchesca always does such a great job! I love it! go check her out if you are in need of one!


Cayden got back from his cruise Sunday. It seems as though a good time was had by all. Little Miss was so excited to see him, she reached over and grabbed his face and started pulling his hair.. it was cute, he seemed just as happy to see her too, he resisted from pulling her hair though ;) 

a pic of him with a mexican dancer..that term doesn't really seem PC, but I guess its okay since Carnival put it on the boarder? I dunno..

We had visitation yesterday and the parents didn't show up. Apparently having it rescheduled last week caused mass hysteria and they forgot about it. Oh and they moved again. Conveniently after the SW told them she would need to come out and inspect their home. so yeah..that was convenient..So after waiting 20 minutes her worker comes and says we can leave, and she comes over to do her monthly diaper change observation and little mini inspection. It was pretty uneventful.. she is nice enough, but sometimes I really wish we had someone a little older, more experienced.. thats alright though. Little miss jumped and played and gave me some sloppy sweet kisses when the worker was here. It was almost as she were saying 'LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM!!'  love her so much...


My 30th was good. Went to eat at Olive garden with my BFF and enjoyed some peach tea..mmmm! and that pm we went to Jalepeno grill with my MIL and FIL and had some yummy fajita's. So I did get a day off of cooking! My mom brought over a blue berry pudding cake which I had a small piece of before falling into a food coma.. Tonight we are going to Dave & Busters with some friends. I am glad to be going, a little disappointed that a few people aren't going for this or that reason, but I should not really be surprised, it happens..and our history has proven it over and over. We go to stuff, if one can't go the other goes, even when it was hard on us after losing Ella, we went to parties, showers, etc.. If its for someone I care about, we make an honest effort to go, and it sucks that people that are suppose to care about us don't make it a priority. ((This rant is about more than my Bday party, its about benefits and things we've done and much more I won't go into)) I will say this though, for every one person that lets us down, we have two that more than make up for it, we are more than blessed with some super fantastic friends and family!


I think it goes without saying that I am a little down lately, I feel stressed and anxiety ridden again.. I think it has to do with the holidays coming up, just a few weeks is Thanksgiving and a little after that is Christmas. I can't believe that we are entering another holiday season without her. It seems as though one would think it would get easier each season, but apparently this season is not the one to let up..I look at my beautiful family and all that we have and realize I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and son, and now a sweet baby girl that loves me more than anyone else.. I am not trying to discredit this at all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and am so thankful, but I can't help by wander if I will ever again feel 'normal'..when (if) we adopt little miss and its final, will I feel complete? or will this ache in my chest be there forever reminding me of what we lost..People suffer, people lose babies, kids all of the time...and they seem so normal, so happy..are they faking or is it true, and if it is true, how do I get there? I just miss her...
I can't believe this was 2 years ago..Here is a video of Ella griping while waiting for her doctor to come in at about 8 weeks old..We do have more video, but it hurts so bad to watch it..anyone else experience this? I can handle pics, but videos feel like I am having my heart torn out of my chest..anyway, be sure to turn the music off below..

randomness...

I really have nothing original to say for the ICLW for this month, so if you are new to my blog, start in the tabs above, working left to right and you will see where we've been, and where we are now and where we hope to be in the future.. can't wait to hear from you!


Cayden has left on a cruise to to Jamaica (and a few other stops) with his Granny and Papa and Nana and a ton of other family. I am so excited for him to go and have such wonderful memories made with his grandparents. However, I am a bit sad at the same time that I am not with him to experiece these 'firsts'  He called when they arrived Saturday evening, so excited that he got to walk in the ocean.. We talked for a little while and once he was off the phone, the tears came flowing..I have never been away from him for 8 days. Jay recently started a new job and could not ask off and we couldn't take little miss with us, and I certainly did not want to leave her that long, so it was not an option for us to go with him..so we'll see how I am feeling by the end of the week.

Little miss is feeling better, still not sleeping through the night, and she is almost 7 months old (shouldn't she be?) She is a little high maintenace, and makes it hard to get stuff done at times, but she is an absolute joy to have. Last night she dropped her binky and Jay said 'uh ohh' and she repeated it! she claps her hands when we sing patty cake, she jumps when we say 'jumpy jumpy jump!" and she dances when we say 'my name is ___ and I like to DANCE!!!" she gives huge open mouth sloppy kisses and hair pulling hugs and we love it! She however will not let Jay rock her to sleep because she thinks his job is to play and have fun, so I am not really sure what to do about that, but its not really a big problem. She has visitation once a week with her parents and so far does pretty well. They go back to have a non jury trial the week of Dec. 6th, so I guess at that point we will find out whats going to happen with her. Luckily, no more of her family or friends have tried to get custody anymore. Her worker says she thinks that they tried their 'cream of the crop' and they didn't pass..soooo..we'll see...some days I just know it will all work out, and others it seems like its too good to be true..

Sometimes I think about taking another one, maybe a toddler, but its just not logical for us right now..my  mom keeps her so I can get some work during the day, and to add another one on top of it is asking a bit much I think..not to mention our poor little jeep would be jammed packed.. I guess it all stems from my "trying to save the world complex" I think I would be a child hoarder if I had unlimited time, money, space and other resources..

soo..I was following a couple blogs that are now private, so if you follow us and have a private blog, shoot me an email and I will follow you((if you want))  I also need to update my roll call blog list thing..if you follow me and I don't have your blog added, leave me a comment and I will work on adding/editing in the next few days. I have some friends/family IRL that blog, BLM's, mito fams and now foster/adoption fams, so I will figure out how I want to list..hmmm...  I have attempted to comment on several blogs and for whatever reason, it won't let me use my google sign on, some I can use the open ID, but some it wont? anyone else having issues?

still with me? this is a incredibly random post, but I guess life is pretty random :)

tears of sadness, tears of joy...

I had a dream of Ella, actually 2 of them this morning..The first was healthy 2 year old Ella at some sort of family gathering, running, playing and being perfect..the first dream kind of evolved into the 2nd..Same family gathering, kids running and screaming, people laughing, change of Ella, I was sitting on the stairs holding her in my lap, 2 years old and sickly.. someone walked by and asked if we were okay and I said yes, and I must have dozed off, because I dreamt she were healthy..I looked down and her tiny frail face and told her I was still so thankful to have her with me, even if she couldn't do all of the things the other children were, and she smiled... and I honestly woke up half expecting her to be here..tears filled my eyes before I could even open them, my heart was heavy and I was again short of breath from the shock that she is gone..Its been a little 13.5 months and still seems so fresh at times..

This is a day where I would have called it a loss. Jay was gone, Cayden gone..just me..in the quite again.. I can't handle days that start off with such heart ache. I laid in bed for a few minutes.. listening to the fan and I took in a deep breath of the morning air..cool autumn air to be exact..I then heard over the monitor 'dadadadadadada..ahhhhhhh..dadadada' yep..she's awake and ready to get the day started. It is not an option to lie in bed all day.I got up, wiped my face and walked into a nursery where there was a baby, a precious baby smiling at me and let out a squeel that would wake up the neighbors..once again I began to cry, but good tears this time.. At that moment, everything was re-affirmed. We will never have Ella back while on this Earth, but we are still needed and wanted, by Cayden and by this sweet darling and adorable baby.. I love that we are helping her, and I am delighted at the joy she has brought and blessing that she has been to help mend our broken hearts.. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and he will bring us Joy when we need it the most, in our darkest hours, and this morning, that joy was in the form of a 6 month old brown haired baby girl.. how I adore her...