Friday, October 29, 2010

more randomness...

Like the new blog design, I gave my self a birthday present of a new blog makeover! Franchesca always does such a great job! I love it! go check her out if you are in need of one!

Cayden got back from his cruise Sunday. It seems as though a good time was had by all. Little Miss was so excited to see him, she reached over and grabbed his face and started pulling his hair.. it was cute, he seemed just as happy to see her too, he resisted from pulling her hair though ;) 

a pic of him with a mexican dancer..that term doesn't really seem PC, but I guess its okay since Carnival put it on the boarder? I dunno..

We had visitation yesterday and the parents didn't show up. Apparently having it rescheduled last week caused mass hysteria and they forgot about it. Oh and they moved again. Conveniently after the SW told them she would need to come out and inspect their home. so yeah..that was convenient..So after waiting 20 minutes her worker comes and says we can leave, and she comes over to do her monthly diaper change observation and little mini inspection. It was pretty uneventful.. she is nice enough, but sometimes I really wish we had someone a little older, more experienced.. thats alright though. Little miss jumped and played and gave me some sloppy sweet kisses when the worker was here. It was almost as she were saying 'LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM!!'  love her so much...

My 30th was good. Went to eat at Olive garden with my BFF and enjoyed some peach tea..mmmm! and that pm we went to Jalepeno grill with my MIL and FIL and had some yummy fajita's. So I did get a day off of cooking! My mom brought over a blue berry pudding cake which I had a small piece of before falling into a food coma.. Tonight we are going to Dave & Busters with some friends. I am glad to be going, a little disappointed that a few people aren't going for this or that reason, but I should not really be surprised, it happens..and our history has proven it over and over. We go to stuff, if one can't go the other goes, even when it was hard on us after losing Ella, we went to parties, showers, etc.. If its for someone I care about, we make an honest effort to go, and it sucks that people that are suppose to care about us don't make it a priority. ((This rant is about more than my Bday party, its about benefits and things we've done and much more I won't go into)) I will say this though, for every one person that lets us down, we have two that more than make up for it, we are more than blessed with some super fantastic friends and family!

I think it goes without saying that I am a little down lately, I feel stressed and anxiety ridden again.. I think it has to do with the holidays coming up, just a few weeks is Thanksgiving and a little after that is Christmas. I can't believe that we are entering another holiday season without her. It seems as though one would think it would get easier each season, but apparently this season is not the one to let up..I look at my beautiful family and all that we have and realize I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and son, and now a sweet baby girl that loves me more than anyone else.. I am not trying to discredit this at all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and am so thankful, but I can't help by wander if I will ever again feel 'normal'..when (if) we adopt little miss and its final, will I feel complete? or will this ache in my chest be there forever reminding me of what we lost..People suffer, people lose babies, kids all of the time...and they seem so normal, so happy..are they faking or is it true, and if it is true, how do I get there? I just miss her...
I can't believe this was 2 years ago..Here is a video of Ella griping while waiting for her doctor to come in at about 8 weeks old..We do have more video, but it hurts so bad to watch it..anyone else experience this? I can handle pics, but videos feel like I am having my heart torn out of my chest..anyway, be sure to turn the music off below..

Monday, October 25, 2010

The new and improved 30??!

So it is no big secret that I will be turning 30 tomorrow ((aka 29.01)) I will admit that for so long 30 seemed so old, so far away and now its staring me in the face. I remember always saying that I will not have any kids after 30. When I was pregnant with Ella, I told Jay that if we were to have another one, I would have to get pregnant when Ella was about 18 months. that would make me 30 and then we could be done.  The age thing doesn't make me sad, but I feel like I am looking at this open book wandering where we went wrong? Why aren't things the way that we planned them. I have made lists, timelines, and agenda's since I was a teenager. I love to have order, to know exactly what is going to happen and when. First it was the infertility issue after Cayden, my plan was to have another when C was 5. Finally got pregnant and had Ella when he was 8. A little off schedule, but we can work with it. She dies when he is 9 and I am back to square 1. We now have little miss, and things are never certain with foster care, or so it seems. Things are said about if we get the go ahead and can adopt her, and I would love nothing more than to keep her forever and ever. But even if we did get the 'go ahead' I think I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing has gone as planned so far, so why would it now? I hate thinking this way.

The thirty I wanted was way different than the thirty I am getting.. I want and still have a wonderful family and friends, a fantastic husband and son that I would do anything for. My 2 year old daughter is absent. I walk around with a partially broken heart 24/7. I have random bouts of sadness that over come me with out warning. Things I have that I would have not imagined though, an even closer bond with my husband and son after the loss.. We decided early on that we were not going to be the family that falls apart, but the one that falls together after tragedy. We have a beautiful baby girl who can make us smile and laugh when we are having the worst day. Although we do not know what the future holds, we do know that we are helping, we are making a difference in her life and any other lives that are placed in our care. We are making the most of our lives, we love deeper, we have patience and strength that we never thought possible. My days of order and plannning have gone out the window, I have embraced the chaos, I am finding my new normal, and I am learning to love every minute of it.

I think its funny to step back and look at our lives, to see what we wanted vs what we have, or what God wanted for us, what God has planned for us. I still hold tight to the fact that nothing will ever be worth losing Ella, but I am now seeing a little bit of what is meant for us, and that's not so bad either..
I've shared this verse a million times, so what is 1 more time.. psalms 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Much of my twenties were spend in sadness and conflict, so here is to the new and hopefully better thirties..

what I wouldn't give to go have a heart to heart with the 18 year old Jen..The things I would prepare her for, the heart ache I would warn her about...and the moments I would tell her to soak in and enjoy as much as possible.

I just saw this preview on facebook and wanted to share ((after watching it several times)), I have a huge lump in my throat and felt like I was about to cry. The conversation about God needing another angel did me in. I am certain I have had that exact conversation before. I am sure I will cry the entire time, but I do plan on watching it. Hopefully this sheds some light on child loss, and how as parents we 'deal' with it..Be sure to silence the music at the bottom of the blog.

Friday, October 22, 2010

pray for Morgan

This is Morgan Gain, she is 4 years old and up until 2 weeks ago, was playing, running and being a typical 4 year old. They had been approved and were planning a trip to Disney for her make a wish trip. Her moms name is Dasa, and I feel so incredibly bad for the rest of thier family. In March 2010, they lost Mikayla at 5 yrs old to Alpers (a very aggressive type of mito). Same as her sister, healthy and one day the seizures took over.. Morgan is in an medical induced coma and they are trying to let her rest and see if her seizures ease or subside. The EEG is not looking very good, and unless a miracle is provided, they will have some tough decisions to make soon..please please pray, send good thoughts, do whatever it is that you do.please..

Saturday UPDATE from Dasa!
They decided to go down on the pentobarb a little more...Her eeg is looking better today~!!! It's a slow process, but she'll be waking up in the next day or two!!! PaPaw said he's letting maddie sleep in but then bringing her in just a bit. : ) Thank you all for the prayers and...

Monday, October 18, 2010


I really have nothing original to say for the ICLW for this month, so if you are new to my blog, start in the tabs above, working left to right and you will see where we've been, and where we are now and where we hope to be in the future.. can't wait to hear from you!

Cayden has left on a cruise to to Jamaica (and a few other stops) with his Granny and Papa and Nana and a ton of other family. I am so excited for him to go and have such wonderful memories made with his grandparents. However, I am a bit sad at the same time that I am not with him to experiece these 'firsts'  He called when they arrived Saturday evening, so excited that he got to walk in the ocean.. We talked for a little while and once he was off the phone, the tears came flowing..I have never been away from him for 8 days. Jay recently started a new job and could not ask off and we couldn't take little miss with us, and I certainly did not want to leave her that long, so it was not an option for us to go with we'll see how I am feeling by the end of the week.

Little miss is feeling better, still not sleeping through the night, and she is almost 7 months old (shouldn't she be?) She is a little high maintenace, and makes it hard to get stuff done at times, but she is an absolute joy to have. Last night she dropped her binky and Jay said 'uh ohh' and she repeated it! she claps her hands when we sing patty cake, she jumps when we say 'jumpy jumpy jump!" and she dances when we say 'my name is ___ and I like to DANCE!!!" she gives huge open mouth sloppy kisses and hair pulling hugs and we love it! She however will not let Jay rock her to sleep because she thinks his job is to play and have fun, so I am not really sure what to do about that, but its not really a big problem. She has visitation once a week with her parents and so far does pretty well. They go back to have a non jury trial the week of Dec. 6th, so I guess at that point we will find out whats going to happen with her. Luckily, no more of her family or friends have tried to get custody anymore. Her worker says she thinks that they tried their 'cream of the crop' and they didn't pass..soooo..we'll see...some days I just know it will all work out, and others it seems like its too good to be true..

Sometimes I think about taking another one, maybe a toddler, but its just not logical for us right  mom keeps her so I can get some work during the day, and to add another one on top of it is asking a bit much I think..not to mention our poor little jeep would be jammed packed.. I guess it all stems from my "trying to save the world complex" I think I would be a child hoarder if I had unlimited time, money, space and other resources..

soo..I was following a couple blogs that are now private, so if you follow us and have a private blog, shoot me an email and I will follow you((if you want))  I also need to update my roll call blog list thing..if you follow me and I don't have your blog added, leave me a comment and I will work on adding/editing in the next few days. I have some friends/family IRL that blog, BLM's, mito fams and now foster/adoption fams, so I will figure out how I want to list..hmmm...  I have attempted to comment on several blogs and for whatever reason, it won't let me use my google sign on, some I can use the open ID, but some it wont? anyone else having issues?

still with me? this is a incredibly random post, but I guess life is pretty random :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

remembering today and always...

where ever you may be @ 7pm your time, I ask that you light a candle for Ella and all of those taken too soon.. if you can, take a pic, tag me on fb, email or txt me the pic, we'd love to see the night glow for our sweet babies..

Baby girl,
I can't believe its been almost 18 months since I've held you, it seems like it was just yesterday. The news guy came out and talked to me today about you, he asked me my favorite memory of you, My favorite memory is my saddest memory too, it was while we were at the ER and you were seizing and I couldn't get you to stop, so I held you close to me and you reached up and played with my hair and smiling, your tiny body was causing such a mess, but your sweet spirit was so much stronger.. I of course would have been a blubbering mess trying to explain this moment, so I simply said , Her smile and her laugh...
You and I have something special princess, and I can't wait to feel that again one and miss you more than any words could ever express...xo~ mommy

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

zofran...or was it crack??

This week has been rough, like real rough. The baby started sleeping alot Saturday, I even said to my mom 'I hope she is not coming down with something' ..Saturday night, she vomited, had very watery diapers and was dry heaving.. Sunday she slept all day again, not eating anything to speak of, and woke up Sunday night/monday morning from 3-6:30am wanting to play and watch yo gabba gabba..I didn't feel great but figured I was just tired from our middle of the nights playfest. Monday day, she was still not eating, vomited a few times, so I took her in and she was diagnosed with the flu. She was the first confirmed case at the clinic and the youngest case the doctor has ever seen. Awesome. I love breaking records. Monday night, she is up every 2 hours or so, miserable, tired, hungry, it, she experienced it..I got up Tuesday and had it head was throbbing, my stomach was in knots, I was sick.. My mom kept the baby and Cayden Tuesday and I was banished to my room. When Jay came home, he brought me 7up and some egg drop soup..(boy do I love him!) He then instructed me to go back to bed and not to be around him because he didn't want it..(ahhh kindness <3 lol).. I don't blame him, I don't want him to get it either..its not that all men are babies when they are sick, ..actually...well.. yeah... that is it..nevermind..

I sleep pretty much all day between puking my guts out and freeeeezing my rear off.. Last night I took some zofran and went to sleep ((after the finale of teen mom of course, thats another post)) this is where I begin to think I took crack instead of zofran. I woke up with crazy dreams, CRAZY.. my first dream I took a pregnancy test, and it kept flashing in neon 'pregnant' and 'not pregnant' like one of those sleezy 'girls girls girls' signs..and in my head "I thought I must be pregnant with a sick baby"..what?! because that makes sense. So I wake up, (not pregnant btw) and back to sleep I go. We are on some sort of commune/camp/ M. Night 'The village' type place and there is a mountain with a path on top of it with caves in it. Apparently my commune is about to be attacked and we must scatter, I tell all the children and women with babies to go hide on the back of the mountain, behind the trees onto the clearing (which is exactly like the Twilight clearing) and I stay down and help hide people and lock doors, etc. I head up the mountain with Jay and we get to the clearing where some EWOK/Minnonite/monk people come out of the woods proclaiming they were sent from God and will protect the mountain, but all that are in our village will face certain death, but because they are saved and protecting their land and families that they will for certain go to Heaven, so don't feel bad for them..So I can see the enemy getting closer and I start to run towards the village down the path, Jay and a couple of EWOK/Minnonite/monks chase me about half way and tell me I must be ON TOP of the mountain for protection.. I exclaim how I don't want the protection, I want to be in the village, so I can go to Heaven, and they are pulling me to the top and I am screaming "I want my baby! I need to see her! I need to hold her!! I NEED MY BABY!!!!" and I wake up this mornig with tears in my eyes and thinking next time I will stick with the pepto, because apparently zofran messes with my head...oh and I watch too much wars meets Twilight meets the village, yep only in my head...

Monday, October 4, 2010

tears of sadness, tears of joy...

I had a dream of Ella, actually 2 of them this morning..The first was healthy 2 year old Ella at some sort of family gathering, running, playing and being perfect..the first dream kind of evolved into the 2nd..Same family gathering, kids running and screaming, people laughing, change of Ella, I was sitting on the stairs holding her in my lap, 2 years old and sickly.. someone walked by and asked if we were okay and I said yes, and I must have dozed off, because I dreamt she were healthy..I looked down and her tiny frail face and told her I was still so thankful to have her with me, even if she couldn't do all of the things the other children were, and she smiled... and I honestly woke up half expecting her to be here..tears filled my eyes before I could even open them, my heart was heavy and I was again short of breath from the shock that she is gone..Its been a little 13.5 months and still seems so fresh at times..

This is a day where I would have called it a loss. Jay was gone, Cayden gone..just the quite again.. I can't handle days that start off with such heart ache. I laid in bed for a few minutes.. listening to the fan and I took in a deep breath of the morning autumn air to be exact..I then heard over the monitor 'dadadadadadada..ahhhhhhh..dadadada' yep..she's awake and ready to get the day started. It is not an option to lie in bed all day.I got up, wiped my face and walked into a nursery where there was a baby, a precious baby smiling at me and let out a squeel that would wake up the neighbors..once again I began to cry, but good tears this time.. At that moment, everything was re-affirmed. We will never have Ella back while on this Earth, but we are still needed and wanted, by Cayden and by this sweet darling and adorable baby.. I love that we are helping her, and I am delighted at the joy she has brought and blessing that she has been to help mend our broken hearts.. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and he will bring us Joy when we need it the most, in our darkest hours, and this morning, that joy was in the form of a 6 month old brown haired baby girl.. how I adore her...