I haven't even signed onto blogger in about 18 months.. I've been dealing with a bit of insomnia the past few weeks and got on a few nights ago and read my blog from beginning to 'end'.. As I was reading some of it, I felt like it was someone else's life that I was reading about.. then I got to the posts following her death and the pain jumped from the screen into deep within my heart.. Then the early days of falling so in love with Lily..it feels like she has always been mine. I can't and never want to imagine another day in this life without her.. So far, this life has been a journey..that's for sure.. The highs and lows and all of the in-between have made me who I am today.. I noticed a draft listed and opened it up.. it was from March 2011..nearly 2 years after she left.. 2 years later and still trying to figure out who I am without her..
You ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back from you? That cannot be me.. I am not just talking about the morning after a night out or after hitting the gym.. I am talking about the reflection looking like they have been through the valleys of hell and back. I feel like that sometimes.. I need to wake up.. this pain in my heart is here for the long haul..so what am I going to do about it? I need to refocus on finding me..the real me.. the one who does more than get by. The one who does more than put on a good show. I need to get back to me.. I just need to know where to start...
I suppose one is constantly in the process of finding themselves.. I've yet to meet anyone who isn't constantly changing into someone better, in some cases worse.. but always looking to find themselves in one way or another.. I was glad to read the past posts. I'm not sure why I quit blogging.. I suppose I felt like the same things were being said over and over.. I miss her, I am sad, etc etc.. I've always been a rather 'wordy' person.. so maybe it makes sense for me to blog.. even if no one reads it other than 'future me'.. that's why I began the blog in the first place...for me to document my life..anyway.. so maybe I'll start again.. I know blogging isn't 'the thing'.. but its a release..it gets it out of my head and into the universe. we'll see..
--Jen
