Tuesday, March 8, 2011

a few thoughts and a break..

So I know this time of year is rough for lots of people, not just me. C will be 11 years old and LM will be 1!! I am working on a party, but am having trouble just getting stuff done. I feel like I just want to sit, feel sorry for myself and remember her.. March 09, we thought putting a feeding tube in would buy us more time with her, but it didn't..she caught a virus and that triggered the seizures. I can't help but think if we just held off, or if she hadn't gotten that virus, if it would have given us another week, two, a month or even more? If we hadn't insisted on taking her home, would the seizures have been able to control? They could have treated faster, what if that 12 hours at home is what brought on the beginning of the end? I keep thinking of sitting in that chair by her bed in the PICU, wires everywhere. I had my knee's pulled up to me, sobbing, feeling so guilty. The doctors all assured me, that it was not my fault, but how do I convince my heart? For the most part, I do have peace about her passing. I know she is in no pain, she is 100% healed from this horrible disease..Every now and then these feelings seep through though..

It will be 2 years in May. How far we've come in 2 years.. leaps and bounds. I can close my eyes and think of her and smile, I was certain for a long time that I would never smile again, and if I did, I had extreme guilt about it..2 years..there are fewer and fewer traces of her ever being here now..that burns a little. Very rarely is she brought up, I don't find little socks or pieces of her around the house anymore. Her blankets and clothes no longer have her sweet scent..how has it really been this long?

I am blessed though. C and L make me laugh and smile, they give me joy that I can feel deep into my soul. I am excited for Spring, more new beginnings..more memories to make...

Anyhow I am going to take a blogging break for a while. I haven't had a ton to say lately anyway.. I am thinking of making some blog changes... I will keep you posted.


Michelle and Sean said...

I completely can relate to the feelings you have of guilt but also the little bit of peace. I pray all day everyday that we did what was best for Maggie and gave her the best life we could have and made all the right decisions. I just hope we did it all the best we could've. We love her so much and hope and pray she knows we did everything we knew about that we could.

I'm glad you share your feelings because I just don't know what to do or how or why this happens. But I'm sorry we are both in these places and had to experience loss.

I hope spring is good for you all and I hope your break is good. I look forward to seeing any changes you make to your blog.

MamaFoster said...

she is still very very loved, it is obvious.

Lisa said...

I remember when we first "met" and you asked if it would ever be possible to smile and laugh again...so it is really good to read that you have discovered for yourself that, yes- it is possible :) I have the same feelings about Amryn and Rachel- it just gets to me everytime that there is nothing the doctors can do for our mito babies. I think about Ella a lot still- just so you know she is still remembered and thought of, even two years later :)