10 days will be 2 years without my sweet princess.. I have been thinking about her all of the time..not that I don't always, but I have
REALLY been thinking about her..who she would be, what her voice would sound like putting sentences together.. 2 years... and some days I am still having to remind myself to breathe.. We put tubs of things in the attic, they had been in the garage..one step further from being out of sight.. I've been thinking about Heaven, about how selfish I am for wanting her back here.. she is in perfect peace and perfect love, and I want her back here...I want to chase her around when I am chasing Lily.. I want to hear them laugh together, I want to hear C yell for me to come and get them..instead he lets L grab everything she wants because he realizes what a gift it is for her to be here, with us in our home.. Is it wrong for me to think about a different life.. I have what God has planned for me, and as hard as I try, some days its just not enough.. sometimes I just cant help but let the tears fall..
I had imagined that grief would be easier 2 years out..I knew I would always miss her, but I thought
the deep down in the pit of my soul kind of pain would let up.. and I feel like such a jerk for carrying it around .. Focus on what I do have.. Cayden, brilliant, hilarious and so sweet..Lily is our little fire cracker..a true miracle, beautiful, funny and so adorable.. Its enough, right? I have family and friends that would kill for that.. so I feel terrible for not being 100% happy 100% of the time. I feel like so much of my joy has been restored the past year, I do feel so blessed.. I have wonderful friends, the best family.. just that 'little extra' is missing.. I've lost my muchness I believe.. and I think unless the Lord sees it fit to raise the dead, I will be without it until I'm taking my last breath.but I am working on it.. more importantly, He is still working on me.. I am learning to take the joy I have now and run with it.. and know that one day my muchness will return on the other side..
10 comments:
HUGS! I feel the same way! It will be also coming up on two years for me too, June 1, that my Naomi Hope has been gone. Yet I still feel the gut wrenching pain and to me the 2nd year is harder, and I have been told too. :(
hugs and be easy on yourself.
Thinking of you as you get closer to this anniversary. I don't know if I have ever commented before - my name is Sarita and I lost my Meredith many years ago. I just wanted to let you know of my concern & sympathy for you.
Another one sending you much love and keeping you in my thoughts. I am almost 19 months down the line after losing Ava and feel just as you describe. Her twin sister survived and is an utter joy and my reason to be. I adore her but I miss Ava so much, there is a deep dark pit in my stomach and an Ava sized hole in my heart. I don't imagine any time will change that. x
I totally agree.. you think this will get easier and in reality it really doesnt. I will be praying for you and thining of you these next few days. You are an AMAZING mother!! Thanks for your friendship and your amazing example!! Much love!!
I think it will always be OK to want them, no matter how many other blessings you get...
Hugs I am so sorry for your loss. I am right there with you. I tell people I am ok but deep down I am not. I know I have to keep going on with life as the world does not stand still, if only it did. I would still have my boys in my tummy. I touch my stomach all the time. I know they are in better hands. I just wish it was easy for me to be ok that it was gods will. I just want to be a mommy on earth. Love Heather I know what your going throgh always here.
Hey Jen....
For the longest time I haven't been able to open your blog and I am not sure why,but I am so happy to reconnect...
I have a crazy story to tell which soon I will post to my blog but I recently reunited with an old friend who I found out just lost their boy to mito last week. Now that I found you again I am wondering about referring her to your site? What do you think??
I want you to know I have thought about you and your family often, and praying for all you continue to go through.
I am also coming up on 2 years and find it extremly hard, but in a different way. I dont cray all the time, but I feel I am consumed with the "what would we be doing if he was here" thoughts all the time.
Thinking of you
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