Friday, March 16, 2012

time flies..

Time flies by.. Cayden will be 12 in a few weeks. Lily will be 2. How did this happen? Where did the time go? C grows more independant with each new day. He certainly doesn't need me like he use to.. I remember bringing him home.. so tiny, not even 6 lbs, and I wanted to put him in a bubble and not ever let anything harm or upset him.. Shortly after he turned 9, he suffered the worst loss, he watched his sister be lowered in the ground.. and just like that she was gone. The sister he prayed for, begged God to save devestated. Several times he would ask 'Why didn't God answer our prayers?' I brought him home that day, and thought again of that bubble.. he cannot be hurt again.. I need to protect him and keep him happy.. I thought of huge life events that can make people either better for going through them, or the complete opposite and cause them to go down a road of destruction.How can anyone truly be better for this? But he is.. don't get me wrong. He has always been a great kid..but this has made him better.. I hate that he knows pain. I hate that he understands so clearly how life and death is simply, not in our hands. I hate that in an instant that he grew up..I hate that I haven't always been the mom that he deserves, for so long I lost myself in grief and sadness and just trying to get 'better'..but somehow, he has turned out to be the best young man I could imagine. He is so funny.. he makes me laugh all of the time. He is so good with Lily and so patient with her, that its almost painful to watch.. Its like she is made out of a precious stone and he cannot let her touch the ground. I can see the anxiety rise in his body as she jumps off of the ottoman to the sofa, or when she tries to jump on the bed. Even when she is just playing, he tries to get her to stop..'you're gonna get hurt' .. When she is sick, its impossible.. you can see in his eyes that he waits for the next shoe to drop.. We have to constantly remind him, that she is okay and not going anywhere..just because they get sick, does not mean they all die. Hopefully as they both get a little older, this lets up some.. I am always telling him to 'relax, let her be' .. but its not like I don't think the same things.. anytime either of them are sick, it makes me nervous.. because they are always fine, until they are not. With Cayden, I worry about mito, what if they are wrong? (completely irrational) and with Lily, I worry she will choke, have a head injury, have cancer, name it.. I have thought about it. Neurotic, maybe a tad.

A few weeks ago, we got a call from a DHS worker desperate for us to take a 6 month old little girl.. most likely will be up for adoption and we entertained it for a little bit.. I love babies, ADORE babies..I have everything I could possibly need from Ella and Lily.. but we said no.. Its not the right time for us to take another, and that is hard.. because I still have the 'need to save the world complex'.. but I knew in my heart that it was right to decline. Lily is so high maintenance and such a mommys girl.. plus as said in previous post, I just need to find some sort of self identity for myself.. so much has wiped who I was and left me blank.. I updated my facebook 'about me' section and I actually found it hard.. what do I enjoy to do? Who am I? I am wife, a mom with 33.3% of her children gone..I work at a job that I don't hate, but that I don't love.. I feel like maybe I am heading in the right direction..forward progress..a little at a time. I do  know that with a baby, I have much more anxiety and fear, I know that for right now, I need to work on making the best of this moment.. happy(ish) mommy, happy family?? something like that.. anyway, time flies and before I know it, Cayden will be going to college and out of the house.((ouch)). so now is the time to do right by him and LB..  so for now, just us.. with our 12 year old and 2 year old.. and of course our angel baby <3 Always <3

 Ella~ With each birthday your brother and sister celebrate, I am reminded that you are not here to blow out your candles.. Lily turned 1 and will now turn 2... so far from where you were when you left us.. I miss you more than words can even describe.. I love you and know you are with us always.. I feel you when I need you the most.. when they are blowing out candles..I start to feel sad and then suddenly.. my soul warms.. and thats all you precious baby..

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

no clever title..

March is hard.. I cannot believe its already March.. then comes April and then May comes to torture me once again. How the hell has it been three years already... May 19th.. Three effing years.. I can't wrap my head around it.. Its a punch in the gut when I hear that your 'friends' are being signed up for the pre-k programs and dance and all of the other fun things you should be doing.. It pisses me off that I still miss you so much, and not a damn thing can be done about it.. Sit in it and wallow.. pretend it doesn't hurt.. Pretend because obviously too much time has passed for me to talk about you openly. Its way too sad.. It pisses me off that you died..that you didn't even have a chance.. You had no chance..why didn't I know..why did I let them poke and prod you so much? It didn't save you, did it? It broke both of our hearts.. Drawing your blood all of the time didn't do much..having the feeding tube didn't do much either.. you still died.. I was told we had 6 weeks and you made it 2... you are still gone and I am still pissed.

Why hasn't there been some great revelation to me regarding 'why'..why aren't you here with me??Why am I not a better person because of it? What was gained by you dying? Lily looks at your picture all of the time and will say baby sissy or baby pisses me off that she will never know you.. you will never know her.. you both are little diva's.. you would have given us a run for our money together.. your poor brother would be at both of your mercy.. He still sleeps on your pillow, its beautiful and so sad at the same time.. almost 3 years later and I am still struggling to get back to me.. I need to get back there somehow..even with losing you.. I just need to feel more...normal?  more like I use to.. I don't know.. I just know that I need to feel more...something..I seriously can't believe this is still my life.. with all that I have, I still feel incomplete.. and quite frankly..that pisses me off..

I am sorry baby that I am not better for this, I am sorry that I am still so angry, that I am not doing something worth while in honor of you.. I am sorry that I let you die.. maybe I should have fought just a little harder..