March is hard.. I cannot believe its already March.. then comes April and then May comes to torture me once again. How the hell has it been three years already... May 19th.. Three effing years.. I can't wrap my head around it.. Its a punch in the gut when I hear that your 'friends' are being signed up for the pre-k programs and dance and all of the other fun things you should be doing.. It pisses me off that I still miss you so much, and not a damn thing can be done about it.. Sit in it and wallow.. pretend it doesn't hurt.. Pretend because obviously too much time has passed for me to talk about you openly. Its way too sad.. It pisses me off that you died..that you didn't even have a chance.. You had no chance..why didn't I know..why did I let them poke and prod you so much? It didn't save you, did it? It broke both of our hearts.. Drawing your blood all of the time didn't do much..having the feeding tube didn't do much either.. you still died.. I was told we had 6 weeks and you made it 2... you are still gone and I am still pissed.
Why hasn't there been some great revelation to me regarding 'why'..why aren't you here with me??Why am I not a better person because of it? What was gained by you dying? Lily looks at your picture all of the time and will say baby sissy or baby ella..it pisses me off that she will never know you.. you will never know her.. you both are little diva's.. you would have given us a run for our money together.. your poor brother would be at both of your mercy.. He still sleeps on your pillow, its beautiful and so sad at the same time.. almost 3 years later and I am still struggling to get back to me.. I need to get back there somehow..even with losing you.. I just need to feel more...normal? more like I use to.. I don't know.. I just know that I need to feel more...something..I seriously can't believe this is still my life.. with all that I have, I still feel incomplete.. and quite frankly..that pisses me off..
I am sorry baby that I am not better for this, I am sorry that I am still so angry, that I am not doing something worth while in honor of you.. I am sorry that I let you die.. maybe I should have fought just a little harder..