Tuesday, March 6, 2012

no clever title..

March is hard.. I cannot believe its already March.. then comes April and then May comes to torture me once again. How the hell has it been three years already... May 19th.. Three effing years.. I can't wrap my head around it.. Its a punch in the gut when I hear that your 'friends' are being signed up for the pre-k programs and dance and all of the other fun things you should be doing.. It pisses me off that I still miss you so much, and not a damn thing can be done about it.. Sit in it and wallow.. pretend it doesn't hurt.. Pretend because obviously too much time has passed for me to talk about you openly. Its way too sad.. It pisses me off that you died..that you didn't even have a chance.. You had no chance..why didn't I know..why did I let them poke and prod you so much? It didn't save you, did it? It broke both of our hearts.. Drawing your blood all of the time didn't do much..having the feeding tube didn't do much either.. you still died.. I was told we had 6 weeks and you made it 2... you are still gone and I am still pissed.

Why hasn't there been some great revelation to me regarding 'why'..why aren't you here with me??Why am I not a better person because of it? What was gained by you dying? Lily looks at your picture all of the time and will say baby sissy or baby ella..it pisses me off that she will never know you.. you will never know her.. you both are little diva's.. you would have given us a run for our money together.. your poor brother would be at both of your mercy.. He still sleeps on your pillow, its beautiful and so sad at the same time.. almost 3 years later and I am still struggling to get back to me.. I need to get back there somehow..even with losing you.. I just need to feel more...normal?  more like I use to.. I don't know.. I just know that I need to feel more...something..I seriously can't believe this is still my life.. with all that I have, I still feel incomplete.. and quite frankly..that pisses me off..

I am sorry baby that I am not better for this, I am sorry that I am still so angry, that I am not doing something worth while in honor of you.. I am sorry that I let you die.. maybe I should have fought just a little harder..


Melanie said...

Dear Jen, (hope it's okay if I call you that since we've never met IRL!) I can literally FEEL your pain radiating off the monitor of my computer...I wish there was some way I could reach out and give you a big hug!! Although I lost a baby through MC I am not going to pretend that I have any idea how you feel because I've never lost one of my living children and I do believe that there is a huge difference in miscarrying at 12 weeks and losing a child that you have seen, touched, held, smelled, if you know what I mean...I do have a very close friend who lost her daughter at the age of 22 and instead of helping her pick out her wedding dress she was choosing her burial gown. She has said to me that everything in her life is divided, divided into two separate time periods...before Rachel died, and after Rachel died. The entire month of February is a month of grief for her and Valentines Day no longer celebrated because it is the anniversary of her funeral. Her BIGGEST fear was that no one would speak of Rachel for fear of upsetting her, but in truth she loves talking about Rachel and she is brought up in conversation regularly since I have an 8yr old going on 18!!!! Nothing could upset her MORE actually than what has already happened and talking about Rachel doesn'y HURT her, it HEALS her, it lets her know that we haven't forgotten that she existed, she was here, she was and is important. There is no timeline for grief Jen, and no one says you have to follow the steps of grief in order or that you can't jump back and forth between the stages of grief when the "anniversary" dates come up...you shouldn't be angry with yourself for being angry, you feel cheated, and you SHOULD feel cheated...someday you may be able to look back and just be thankful for the time you had and NOT be angry, but you're not there yet and THAT IS OKAY!!!! Don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you "But look at all that you have NOW...a beautiful son AND a daughter!" as if because you have that you can't miss the sweet baby you lost...the daughter you have now isn't a replacement model for the broken child you lost, she's a beautiful ADDITION to your world, but she can never fill that place left by your sweet babe that left you. Anyone who thinks that just doesn't understand. And Please, please don't beat yourself up about decisions you made in treating your girl...you made the best decisions possible at the time given the information you had...you were trying to save her LIFE!!! No one will ever fault you for that!! I was a pediatric oncology nurse for 15 years and I know the kind of decisions you must have been faced with and I KNOW they weren't easy ones to make. They are decisions that NO parent should ever have to make, but you did and you did the very best you could with the info you had at the moment.
Why this had to happen to your little girl is probably not something we will ever grasp on this side of Heaven. I know from my time in Peds oncology that for many of these questions there are no answers. Can there really ever be any acceptable answer as to why your litle girl had to die? I've never met you IRL either BEFORE or AFTER your baby died so I can't really judge whether or not this has made you a "better" person, but I can tell from reading your blog and seeing how you touch the lives of so many people that you ARE making a difference, whether you mean to or not :)

I wish you nothing but peace beyond understanding and hope for the future. Thank you for your honesty on your blog and for allowing me to share in your family's legacy.

Love to you all,
Melanie Whitaker

With Out My Punkin said...

You can talk about her ALL day, it is ok. I hate that people think other wise.

Holly said...

I'm sorry you feel like you can't openly talk about it. I hate it when people make others feel that way. I don't think it'll ever make sense. xo

Mary said...

One of my biggest struggles, 2.5 years later is the no revelation as to "why?" Others have started some wonderful ministry in their children's names, changed the world for good. I am jealous of them. At least they can say something wonderful replaced their loss. With me, it is just loss. No great revelation. Just pain.