Monday, August 11, 2014

just because I feel like blogging..

Every parent has these feelings about how time is fleeting with their know, the 'When did they get so big?!' moments..  Probably especially around the time school starts or around Birthdays and such.. I think for those that have lost children get a double dose.. I look at Lily starting Pre-k and at Cayden as he is about to begin high school and I have said moments and it freaks me out a little and then I continue on my way.. what stops me in my tracks is this.. she would be in kindergarten.. she would be turning 6 on Aug. 21.. When we buried her, she was my tiny sweet baby, not even 10 pounds.. and she would be 6.years.old.. On her 6 month birthday, she had just been diagnosed, but still seemingly healthy. We knew the prognosis was poor, so we decided to celebrate her six month (1/2) birthday.. I held her that day, celebrating with cupcakes, balloons and even gifts, I remember looking into her baby blues and thinking how sad it will be on her sixth birthday. I wondered how I would feel, would I still even be alive? Those months and the months following her death, I just knew that I could not survive losing her. I knew it was too much, that I loved her too much..I wondered if I were alive, what would I do on her birthdays.. so nearly 5 and 1/2 years later, she is turning 6. I am alive, I still feel as though I walk this Earth missing a piece of me.. Every day I pray for Cayden and Lily, I worry constantly about them..not just worry, but obsess.. I even feel like so much of Ella's last days were wasted by me worrying about things that were completely out of control.. I held her, held her hand, talked to her, all of the time panicking about how in the world am I going to find the strength to be without her, what if I die too..what will happen to Jay and Cayden? All of these things were out of my control, she was dying despite how much I wanted her to live.. so much is out of my control.. 

I often think of this quote..
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. 
~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

I want them to stay young, I want them to need me..I hate that they are just getting older, bigger, wiser...but its out of my control, I can't make them stay little..But Thank God for that too.. Thank God that Cayden was born healthy and is not effected by mitochondrial disease, despite the odds.. He gets to grow up...Thank God for burdening our hearts for the foster care system.. Lily was meant to be ours, while I was buried in my grief, she was being perfectly created in his hands.. I get the privilege of being her mom and watching her grow up..

and Thank God for the 8 months and 29 days that we had our own little piece of Heaven here with us.. I don't get to see her grow up and I hate that she is not here to start kindergarten, or to celebrate turning 6, but I got to celebrate 6 months, I got to see her smile, and I got to hear her laugh..and one day, I'll have her in my arms again.. Thank God for that..


Heather Maguire said...

I can't believe it has been 5 years since I found your blog. I remember asking Amanda about you after seeing her picture on your blog. I remember sitting and reading your blog from the beginning to catch up on what was going on. The tears pouring as I read that sweet Ella had gone to Heaven. I found you and your blog a few days after she had passed. I had just lost my granny the day after Ella had. I still like to think that she is in Heaven rocking your sweet baby girl. Granny loved the little babies. I find myself with the tears pouring once again as I read this post today. You are in my thoughts and prayers Jen.

Heather Maguire

brigette said...

Xoxoxo so well written!! Like the words pouring out of my head! Big hugs mama!!! Praying for you always!

Sarita Boyette said...

I remember the picture of Ella you had on your blog - she was so beautiful, even though she was so sick then. I'm so sorry she is gone - hugs & love.
Sarita Boyette