Friday, June 18, 2010

how time changes things..and sometimes doesn't...

I was just sitting here thinking and was curious about my posts this time last year, so I took a quick look and this was how things change over a year and how others remain the same..

Tomorrow is a month since she has been gone.. a month since we've smelled her sweet breath, a month since we've heard her sweet voice, a month that last forever and has seemed as though its flew by, both at the same time...--June 18,2009

then~ I would walk into her room daily and touch all of the things she touched, look in her closet and glance at all of the things she never got big enough to wear, the hair ribbons we never got a chance to use, the toys she didn't have the energy to play with. I would hug and smell the blankets just trying to get a tiny whiff of her.
now~ I walk in and while I still think of her the entire time, I am ready to share it, hopefully soon..we've changed some things in there, added a twin, pulled in a different color and took down all of Ella's personal items. We had a sign up that said 'I found my prince and his name is daddy' a painting my cousin did of her name made into a wonderful collage of all things girly..we had her name up in pink and brown with polk a dots that my best friend spent forever trying to perfect..*which they are* so its still her room, but its not so much "HER" room..I think she would be proud of us, getting to a point where we are comfortable letting others in.
then~ I would cry day and night..and all hours in between..there was no okay, no time where I wasnt just a small saying or look that would make me crumble..
now~ I still cry, I try to designate a time to release it, I try to be okay..some days trying is not enough and its too hard and I allow myself those days..
then~ I mourned for my baby, my sweet snuggly girl that made us  laugh and cry all at the same time
now~ still mourning my baby, but more so my sassy and bossy toddler..the curly haired little diva that would have completely rocked our world with attitude..
then~ I couldn't see beyond our pain..Its not that I didn't care about others pain and problems, it was just not there, that compassion I normally feel.. I felt like "you think you have problems, you bury your daughter and then lets talk"
now~ while I will always be angry that she is not with us, I am not mad, you know really pissed anymore..I still have the moments where I think others pain or situations is nothing compared to mine, but not as many..I can honestly say that I am sorry for your loss, or sorry for your pain, the situation you are in, etc etc and I mean it..with my entire heart I mean it..for those close to me, I would do just about anything to keep them from going through pain of loss or hardships ever again..
then and now~ things that haven't changed..
*I wonder if people still think of her, if they still miss her..whether its been a month or a year.. last weekend one of my very best friends was talking about things that reminded her of Ella, and it made me feel so good..I know we think of her, her family..but what about others?
* I have a bit of a hard time around pregnant women and newborns..its not at all personal, and I can now be around a little older babies and toddlers fine (mostly) but pregnancy and newborns are hard for me..some days are easier than others, but its something I am working on..considering everyone and their dog around me is pregnant..I think its all because I don't know if I will ever be pregnant again, will we ever have a baby that is our DNA? and its so sad to think that we won't. I also keep thinking of all of the things that should have told me she was sick so early my pregnancy I just had this worry, constantly and when she was born, she was so small, didn't eat well, didn't gain weight, didn't hold her head well, things I feel like as a mom that I should have caught on again, its not personal, its all about issues that I am dealing with..
* I miss her and think of her all of the time.. I think of who she was, and who she could have been, I think of the things we'll never get to do with her..even though my heart aches the same as it did 13 months ago, I've adapted..I know I will never be the same after her.. I am so grateful for the 8 months and 29 days she was with us.. I am grateful for the almost 7.5 months that she did pretty well, she was awake, talking, playing, and giving us memories of her..she was here, and she made an impact..a big one..
* I would give the world for just a little more time with her..

isn't she the prettiest baby you've ever seen? I could be partial.. :) but no really, isn't she!

this grief journey is a rough one, I think its so interesting to see where we were and where we are now in it.. I never in a million years thought we would be functioning with out her, but I keep her close to my heart always. I think of her in Heaven just playing with all of her friends that are just hanging out waiting on thier parents too..


Mary said...

Every part of this post resonates with me, Jen. Grief is still here, but it has changed. It isn't as powerful a force that it can knock me over anymore. I have learned to stand under it, and am even trying to run.

And yes, she is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen!

Angel's Mummy said...

I aggree with your post and YES she is adorable xxx

Malory said...

Beautiful post. My grief has changed so very much as well. I still haven't figured out how to put these new feelings into did a great job with yours. She IS absolutely beautiful.

brigette said...

you put this beautifully!! Thanks for sharing! She is one beautiful little girl!!

Christy said...

Jen, she is honestly one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. Just gorgeous. My heart breaks looking at her knowing that she's not with you.
This post was absolutely beautiful as well. So much of it I can relate to-but so much of it is different since my babies never got to come home.
I'm so proud of your ability to see a "then" and "now." When it first happened, could you even imagine looking back?
You are amazing.

Heidi said...

(((Jen))) a little teary with this one, yes so very beautiful. Her contagious smile lights up your page ;) Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

Naturally I get more emotional with these posts because... we may just lose our boy to the very same disease... and through you, I imagine how hard it will be for me to move forward if that happens. Despite the disease progression we're seeing I continue to think positive and try very hard to live each day with him as if it were our last. With a sick child you quickly learn life is so very precious, never sweating the small stuff anymore...its just not that important.
Youre always in my prayers. HUGS, HUGS...and I LOVE seeing her sweet face here.
Heidi & Jack.

Anonymous said...

Jen- I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. Thinking of you both.


Elizabeth said...

She is beautiful. *hugs*

Stephanie said...

I think she is absolutely perfect and beautiful!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much she touched my heart and my life - made me appreciate everything a little bit more with my children!

I know we don't know each other in person but I can tell you that I think about her and you often - she will forever be in my heart and I will always remember your precious sweet girl!

Holly said...

Yeah, looking back you can see how far you've come when you didn't think you'd ever get there. And then some things just don't change.

Ella is so beautiful!!! She makes me smile. :)

Michelle said...

she is so sorry for your loss