Happy Birthday sweet girl...

Sweet Ella,
We all miss you so much, I can't believe that you are gone..it seems like I'll wake up and find this is a horrible dream..this life without you.. I do know one day we will see each other again in Heaven..Love you so much!Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven! I hope you are being spoiled and given a very special day <3

Insert clever title here...

Sometimes when I talk about Ella, I feel like people are thinking 'get over it, move on, let it go'...No one has actually said anything to my face, but sometimes reactions make me think this is what they aren't saying. 15 months today since she left. 1 year and 3 months. What is the adequate amount of time to mourn your child? Is there a rule of thumb, 1 year of life = 1 year of grief? If you are reading this and have not lost a child, how long would you miss them? And since I am getting things off my chest, isn't it funny how people that LOVED her the most, are the ones to never speak her name? why? to make us feel guilty because we bring them down? Oh excuse me, don't let me get in the way of your life...They are not the ones who wake each day and walk by the empty room, they are not the ones that wake in the middle of the night, because you are sure her feeding pump was going off, 15 months later..They are not the ones that dream of her being here and wake up to her being gone. dying all over again.. Most of the time we do okay, we know our princess is in Heaven, we have absolute faith that we will see her again. But no new baby will ever replace her, no foster or adoption..We have loved having the ones we have had, but they are not her. That ache is still there..when sweet pea would cry in the middle of the night, that sweet little cry, I would stumble in there half asleep, expecting Ella..crazy..she wouldn't be 6 months old, but the grieving mind/soul is a funny thing.. Don't assume just because its 1 year and 3 months later, that its okay to forget that she existed, pretend she didn't make an imprint on this Earth.. Sometimes people say 'I just don't know what to say' well..I don't really know, but I do know that saying nothing at all, absolutely makes it seem as if you don't care at all.. I don't always feel like talking about her in depth, but when people say "I've been thinking about her" or "I stopped by the cemetery, I lit a candle, sent up a balloon" anything like that seems so small, but it means the world to Jay and I..
It seems like sending sweet pea back last week made me miss Ella more and more, or maybe its her birthday this week, maybe a combination. I don't know..I do know this week has been hard. I've been searching for distractions, slept all day yesterday pretty much, and I'm not real certain I will be loads of fun on Saturday. Last Birthday, I think we were still in shock, or they honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. But this one, its just plain hard. I'm just ready for this week to be over.

Now, I know...

I knew we wanted you before you were born.
I knew you would be loved to heaven and back, no matter what.
I knew you would melt your daddys heart the minute you two met eyes.
I knew we would be attached at the soul from the second I first heard your heart beat,
you were mine and I was yours forever.
I knew you were the most beautiful little girl from the second we laid eyes on your perfect face.
I knew that the sound of your soft voice was music to my ears, I'd listen to you jabber and couldn't help by gleam with joy.
I knew your soft skin needed to be shaded, gaurded and protected, and I knew it was our job to protect it from harm.
I knew your sweet eyes always looked as though they were holding a secret..
I knew I would hold you for hours on end and not even think about anything else..
I knew you were sent straight from Heaven and the answer to our prayers.

I did not know that you were going to only be staying for 8 months and 29 days, this must have been the secret you could not share.
I did not know that it was possible to feel so much pain for another person.
I did not know what it truly was to be rendered completely helpless.
I did not know your voice would one day be silent, and we would do anything for just another rambling.
I did not know that you would fade before our very eyes.
I did  not know that someone so little could fight so hard.
I did not know that that we had you sweet girl, only to say good bye.
I did not know it would still hurt this bad 15 months after losing you.
I certainly did not know that you wouldn't be here to celebrate your 2nd birthday..

Now, I know...

gone baby gone...

    I just got back from dropping sweet pea off with her Nana..I am sad, this feeling of loss rings an eerie resemblance as it did a year ago.. not quite as intense, but there none the less.Once again I am picking up baby stuff and packing away laundry and toys wondering if they will be used again soon.. I know we will get another placement, maybe a baby, maybe a toddler? hopefully its soon and one long term if not up for adoption.. Cayden loves with all of his heart, he was devestated when we told him she was leaving.. and for a second I thought "this is too much" but what in life isn't hard? Unfortunately we all very well aware the life in general is not meant to be easy. Our entire purpose of doing this was to help the ones who need it the most and she was in desperate need, and we helped! How wonderful is that?!
   We did talk to Cayden, about if something happened that we would rather go to one of his grandmas than a stranger. We told him that grandma's are a close second to moms and dads as far as the amount of love they have. He agreed and was given peace about it. He insisted that we give her Nana our info though, so we could babysit :)
    While we will miss her terribly, I know she is in very good hands with her Nana and Papa. I met them when I dropped her off today and instantly felt assurance. The obviously love her and will take very good care of her. They will provide the love and care she needs and take her to her appointments.  I did give her our numbers and email and practically begged for her to let us know if she needs any help or if they need a break, and explained how we love this baby so much already and would feel beyond blessed to have some contact with her in the future.. Please continue to pray for this sweet baby as she is healing physically and emotionally. Also please pray for our family to keep our hearts open and be willing to help the next like we've helped and loved lil sweet pea.. xoxo

oh little girl, how you break my heart...

       Last weekend Jay, Cayden, and myself had plans to go to the lakehouse and to my family reunion just a few miles away on Saturday. We were going to leave around 4pm and get there early enough to go into town and grab a few things from the store and to go by a redbox. Around 2pm I get a call from DHS (earlier that day, I had a call asking if I could take a 7 and 11 year old boy, which I couldn't) so I see the call and think to myself, to let it go to voice mail, because they were just going to ask me to talk a child that we could not take again.. But I answered anyway and our worker put his supervisor on and she told me that there is a 6 month old baby girl that is being discharged from the hospital that needs placement.. We had already committed to going to the lake and my bro and SIL were staying too..plus it was 100+ degrees.. so I told her I could pick her up Monday morning when we returned..here is what I knew, she was caucasion, 6 months old, has a displaced knee and 2 breaks in her fibia..and no one knows what happened. Supposedly mom took her to the ER because her leg was swollen from mesquito bites, the doctor xray'd and well here we were looking for a placement. When addressed mom said that they had family over one night and it was possible that one of the kids did something to her..
     We pick her up on Monday from the shelter (which I felt HORRIBLE about,  probably should have went friday before we left)  We get her and she had on a onsie and a little bag of other onsies the shelter was sending for her. Now we all know when it comes to girl stuff, I am SET UP.. I had a bag in the car, we went to Jays mom's office and cleaned her up and got her into something cute.. She was smiling and so sweet, when I put the little bow on her head, she laughed and waved her arms..I said 'bows make everything better, don't they!?' and she agree'd :) we fell in love before we got her home, we stopped and grabbed some more bottles, binkies, wipes, and a few new toys. You would think because of her leg that she would be grouchy, but not one bit. She was quiet and reserved the first day. I laid her down about 10 pm and around 6am she woke up, took a bottle and went back to sleep til 10!!  I kept checking on her, and making sure she was breathing..apparently she is a good sleeper..and has slept all night every night..
    Thursday she had an appt in OKC with an ped ortho surgeon and he did some xrays and examination, and she screamed like she was in agony and my heart broke..and then he said "what happened to her arm?" excuse me? her arm? no, its her leg.. he then proceeded to tell me that she has an old healing fracture in her right humerus..old fracture? no, she is only 6 months.. I felt my blood rise, she was still unconsolable, and I was going to cry or vomit, I didn't know which.. She needs surgery to repair her leg, not sure when that will be.. and her arm is going to be looked at closer this week, but there really is nothing to do, since they think it happened in April (again, a child pulled on her arm per mom) The doctor told her advocate that sweet pea medically speaking 'is a mess' but she's not..she is so cute, sweet and absolutely hilarious..and we love her already..
   We know that her arm has been broken, her leg all jacked up, she wasn't eating solids until this week (which she LOVES eating!) she was filthy upon exam, the back of her head is flat as if she's laid her entire life in a crib,she can't sit up at all, she doesn't like to be snuggled very much..we also know her body is broken but her spirit is not..she smiles with just a look at her, she jabbers and she makes this little lamb noise because we laugh every single time.. we know we've had this girl for less than a week and would do anything for her...our little sweet pea...oh little girl, how you break my heart, and how you fill it with joy at the same time...

oh..and we also know her mom is 4.5 months pregnant again..beautiful right? just what they need..