Thursday, August 19, 2010

Insert clever title here...

Sometimes when I talk about Ella, I feel like people are thinking 'get over it, move on, let it go'...No one has actually said anything to my face, but sometimes reactions make me think this is what they aren't saying. 15 months today since she left. 1 year and 3 months. What is the adequate amount of time to mourn your child? Is there a rule of thumb, 1 year of life = 1 year of grief? If you are reading this and have not lost a child, how long would you miss them? And since I am getting things off my chest, isn't it funny how people that LOVED her the most, are the ones to never speak her name? why? to make us feel guilty because we bring them down? Oh excuse me, don't let me get in the way of your life...They are not the ones who wake each day and walk by the empty room, they are not the ones that wake in the middle of the night, because you are sure her feeding pump was going off, 15 months later..They are not the ones that dream of her being here and wake up to her being gone. dying all over again.. Most of the time we do okay, we know our princess is in Heaven, we have absolute faith that we will see her again. But no new baby will ever replace her, no foster or adoption..We have loved having the ones we have had, but they are not her. That ache is still there..when sweet pea would cry in the middle of the night, that sweet little cry, I would stumble in there half asleep, expecting Ella..crazy..she wouldn't be 6 months old, but the grieving mind/soul is a funny thing.. Don't assume just because its 1 year and 3 months later, that its okay to forget that she existed, pretend she didn't make an imprint on this Earth.. Sometimes people say 'I just don't know what to say' well..I don't really know, but I do know that saying nothing at all, absolutely makes it seem as if you don't care at all.. I don't always feel like talking about her in depth, but when people say "I've been thinking about her" or "I stopped by the cemetery, I lit a candle, sent up a balloon" anything like that seems so small, but it means the world to Jay and I..
It seems like sending sweet pea back last week made me miss Ella more and more, or maybe its her birthday this week, maybe a combination. I don't know..I do know this week has been hard. I've been searching for distractions, slept all day yesterday pretty much, and I'm not real certain I will be loads of fun on Saturday. Last Birthday, I think we were still in shock, or they honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. But this one, its just plain hard. I'm just ready for this week to be over.

12 comments:

Amy Schroeder said...

I never know what to say, but I will never be the friend who refuses to talk about Ella. I never met her, but I loved that beautiful child. I wish I could make this easier on all who lose a child or who have an ill child - it's just plain old not fair.

Love you guys,

Amy

brigette said...

Im so sorry!! That part it so hard.. no one wants to talk about it and you feel like theyve all forgotten.. I hate it hate it hate. I dont know you or your sweet daughter other than this blog but im happy to talk about her any time!! Birthdays are the worst and I toally agree the second is harder the fresh pain is gone and reality hits harder than ever. Sending hugs your way and praying for you guys!!

Holly said...

I know I would prefer for people to talk about Carleigh than to not say anything because they just don't know what to say. It's easy for people to think it's time to move on when they have absolutely no clue what losing a child is like.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Thinking of you & Ella! I know what you mean, saying nothing is almost worse sometimes then when people say all the wrong things. I havent forgotten her! I remember! (((HUGS)))

Lori said...

What I think upsets me the most is the lack of inclusion of Matthew in our life's events or conversations and the excuse is 'to not bring us down' but it really is more because THEY would prefer not to be 'down' or have to deal with it. As you wrote...that ability on their part must be nice.

Too bad we don't have that luxury. It's our life. Every day.

Lifting you up!
xoxo

Franchesca said...

I wish too people would talk more about Jenna, bring her up at all. I'm so sorry, hoping this week passes quickly. My heart just broke when you said you'd wake up for sweet pea and it wasn't Ella. I know what must have been so so hard. Thinking of you and sweet Ella. I thought of you today, as I know our baby girls left us only a day apart.

xo

FET Accompli said...

I read through your blog, and shed many tears. I can't imagine how painful this experience was, and still is, missing your Ella

Mary said...

I know you are missing Ella this week, I think Birthdays will always be hard. I have those subtle feelings too, that people wonder why we haven't moved on yet. They wonder why we aren't pregnant yet, even though no one says things. I just think others must be wondering. If only they knew that I think of her every day, every hour...

Lisette said...

I wish I knew why people don't mention our angel's when that is all we want to talk about. It bothers me so much. I hope this week you will be filled with peace. I think of yous sweet Ella all the time. ((HUGS))

Clarissa said...

I only stop in to your blog once in awhile, but thought I would share my thoughts on this. I have not lost a child (yet), but having lived the last 3.5 years preparing myself for my child's death, saying "good bye" several times... I can only imagine what it actually means to have your child gone. I know we will rejoice that our baby is in Heaven, free from pain and suffering, and we will join her someday (thanks to Jesus!), but I truely believe that grief lasts a lifetime. We will always miss our babies, some days will be much harder than others... while time may ease the pain on other days. I guess my point is... you never stop grieving your child and no one should expect you to stop missing her or talking about her. She is your child, whether she is in heaven or on earth... talk about her all you want, remember her out loud... and I pray that those around you will talk about and remember her with you! God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Hello,
My name is Blanca and I just recently started reading your blog. I lost my son Bryan 8 years ago and I still cry and think about him almost every day. I think there is no time frame and the more time passes I believe this feeling will never change or go away. It's really hard to loose a child. You don not wish that upon anyone in the world. Don't feel bad its good to talk to people about your baby. Let me know if you need someone to talk to I will love to hear and be there for you,
Blanca Columbus Ohio

THE OLD GEEZER said...

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God Bless You ~Ron