Sometimes when I talk about Ella, I feel like people are thinking 'get over it, move on, let it go'...No one has actually said anything to my face, but sometimes reactions make me think this is what they aren't saying. 15 months today since she left. 1 year and 3 months. What is the adequate amount of time to mourn your child? Is there a rule of thumb, 1 year of life = 1 year of grief? If you are reading this and have not lost a child, how long would you miss them? And since I am getting things off my chest, isn't it funny how people that LOVED her the most, are the ones to never speak her name? why? to make us feel guilty because we bring them down? Oh excuse me, don't let me get in the way of your life...They are not the ones who wake each day and walk by the empty room, they are not the ones that wake in the middle of the night, because you are sure her feeding pump was going off, 15 months later..They are not the ones that dream of her being here and wake up to her being gone. dying all over again.. Most of the time we do okay, we know our princess is in Heaven, we have absolute faith that we will see her again. But no new baby will ever replace her, no foster or adoption..We have loved having the ones we have had, but they are not her. That ache is still there..when sweet pea would cry in the middle of the night, that sweet little cry, I would stumble in there half asleep, expecting Ella..crazy..she wouldn't be 6 months old, but the grieving mind/soul is a funny thing.. Don't assume just because its 1 year and 3 months later, that its okay to forget that she existed, pretend she didn't make an imprint on this Earth.. Sometimes people say 'I just don't know what to say' well..I don't really know, but I do know that saying nothing at all, absolutely makes it seem as if you don't care at all.. I don't always feel like talking about her in depth, but when people say "I've been thinking about her" or "I stopped by the cemetery, I lit a candle, sent up a balloon" anything like that seems so small, but it means the world to Jay and I..
It seems like sending sweet pea back last week made me miss Ella more and more, or maybe its her birthday this week, maybe a combination. I don't know..I do know this week has been hard. I've been searching for distractions, slept all day yesterday pretty much, and I'm not real certain I will be loads of fun on Saturday. Last Birthday, I think we were still in shock, or they honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. But this one, its just plain hard. I'm just ready for this week to be over.