you ever feel like you just run out of stuff to blog about? blog block? I feel like I have the same thoughts over and over and over, and seriously, who wants to read them?? I've sat at the computer several times and started to type and end up just walking away..so I am going to try one more time..
I went up to my old job last week. The one I left after I had Ella.. I walked up to the window and the receptionist immediately smiled and waved and asked to "see pictures of the baby and she is probably not a baby anymore, how old is she 2?" Insert knot in throat.. I know for sure everyone up there followed her care page and at least knew what happened. But she is a little older and probably slipped her mind, last time she saw me, I had Ella with me and she was about 8 weeks old and still healthy..anyway, some times I expect to be asked, this was not one of those expected encounters.. I looked at her and then looked down and said 'she passed away'... she looked devestated and said apologized, I felt bad and told her it was fine..((not that she died, but that she apparently forgot)) I saw alot of my friends from there, some I speak to on a regular basis or at least on facebook, and some it had been 2+ years. There is a guy who works there who I was once pretty good friends with, but something happened before I left and apparenly pissed him off, I remembered he no longer 'liked' me, but I for the life of me cannot remember what it was about.. as if it happened a lifetime ago..When I left I was thinking about the good times spent there (not all good times) but time spent laughing and having fun and being silly. Emailing while listening to Dr Phil with the other 'listeners', inside jokes, throwing paper clips over the cubicle trying to get my co-horts to listen to me or to 'check their email' I left thinking of the person that I use to be there, before I knew what true pain was, invincible, certain that things would NEVER happen to me such as infant loss.. I thought of the difference.. and felt sad that I was no longer that person.. I smile and laugh and do your normal things, but not like that..
Last week I was terminated from the job I had grown to hate, from a woman I had grown to strongly dislike, actually I never liked her, but I dislike her even more now.. I had already been looking for another job for a few months, but I am seriously considering finding a job out of the house.. I think it would do good for my mood/self/soul.. L can stay with my mom and not go to daycare and I can have relationships outside of my family.. I think I need to re-enter the 'real world' I believe that working from home these last few years has enabled me to embrace my hermit style of life..I know I will never have the 'old me' back, but maybe I can be more than the 'current me' ..
so here is a comparison..before and after loss.. now if someone will please pass a big tub of motivation so I could get started on it :) so ready for change..SO I am publicly announcing that I am pulling a Favre and coming back out of retirement, and making a move in the right direction. I am in a place where I should be able to pull my mess of a self together again.. this time I truly want to make steps forward..not 1 step forward and 2 steps back.. I just need to remind myself that the steps forward are not WITHOUT Ella, they are with her.. This has always been my big hiccup, moving on without her, as somehow I will lose more of her if I get out this horrible routine I am in.. anyone else have this happen? how do you get past it? I am open for suggestions :)
((SIDENOTE)) I have been a horrible blogger/commenter and I think that moving URL's has caused me to lose some readers, or so it seems by fewer comments etc., I don't know.. Hopefully tomorrow or the next day I will have some good news about LM's situation..keep posted, hopefully I am out of my blogger block..