Tuesday, January 18, 2011

a mess of thoughts... and a comparison..

you ever feel like you just run out of stuff to blog about? blog block? I feel like I have the same thoughts over and over and over, and seriously, who wants to read them?? I've sat at the computer several times and started to type and end up just walking away..so I am going to try one more time..

I went up to my old job last week. The one I left after I had Ella.. I walked up to the window and the receptionist immediately smiled and waved and asked to "see pictures of the baby and she is probably not a baby anymore, how old is she 2?" Insert knot in throat.. I know for sure everyone up there followed her care page and at least knew what happened. But she is a little older and probably slipped her mind, last time she saw me, I had Ella with me and she was about 8 weeks old and still healthy..anyway, some times I expect to be asked, this was not one of those expected encounters.. I looked at her and then looked down and said 'she passed away'... she looked devestated and said apologized, I felt bad and told her it was fine..((not that she died, but that she apparently forgot)) I saw alot of my friends from there, some I speak to on a regular basis or at least on facebook, and some it had been 2+ years. There is a guy who works there who I was once pretty good friends with, but something happened before I left and apparenly pissed him off, I remembered he no longer 'liked' me, but I for the life of me cannot remember what it was about.. as if it happened a lifetime ago..When I left I was thinking about the good times spent there (not all good times) but time spent laughing and having fun and being silly. Emailing while listening to Dr Phil with the other 'listeners', inside jokes, throwing paper clips over the cubicle trying to get my co-horts to listen to me or to 'check their email' I left thinking of the person that I use to be there, before I knew what true pain was, invincible, certain that things would NEVER happen to me such as infant loss.. I thought of the difference.. and felt sad that I was no longer that person.. I smile and laugh and do your normal things, but not like that..

Last week I was terminated from the job I had grown to hate, from a woman I had grown to strongly dislike, actually I never liked her, but I dislike her even more now.. I had already been looking for another job for a few months, but I am seriously considering finding a job out of the house.. I think it would do good for my mood/self/soul.. L can stay with my mom and not go to daycare and I can have relationships outside of my family.. I think I need to re-enter the 'real world'  I believe that working from home these last few years has enabled me to embrace my hermit style of life..I know I will never have the 'old me' back, but maybe I can be more than the 'current me' ..

so here is a comparison..before and after loss.. now if someone will please pass a big tub of motivation so I could get started on it :) so ready for change..SO I am publicly announcing that I am pulling a Favre and coming back out of retirement, and making a move in the right direction. I am in a place where I should be able to pull my mess of a self together again.. this time I truly want to make steps forward..not 1 step forward and 2 steps back.. I just need to remind myself that the steps forward are not WITHOUT Ella, they are with her.. This has always been my big hiccup, moving on without her, as somehow I will lose more of her if I get out this horrible routine I am in.. anyone else have this happen? how do you get past it? I am open for suggestions :)

((SIDENOTE)) I have been a horrible blogger/commenter and I think that moving URL's has caused me to lose some readers, or so it seems by fewer comments etc., I don't know.. Hopefully tomorrow or the next day I will have some good news about LM's situation..keep posted, hopefully I am out of my blogger block..


lost--for--words said...

Jen... I do know what you mean about being stuck in a bad routine... I'm definately having the same difficulties as you are with trying to put myself back together as best I can. It's funny, I was just going through some pictures today that were taken over two years ago, and it amazed me how different I look now... Especially my smile - it never looks as genuine as it used to. I think you look beautiful though. Highlights or no highlights, you are very pretty!

2awesomekidz said...

Hey Jen,
I can relate. Hair cut, color, pedicure.........always make the soul feel better. Whatever it takes to make you feel good is worth it! I think when we become mothers and especially mothers who have lost a child, we forget we need to take care of ourselves. We forget the innocense life once had. Go out act like a kid, dance in the rain, jump in ths snow and just feel it! That is what life is all about, this day and age we forget the important things in life and get stuck. That's ok to for a while as long we get unstuck!
I have blogger block right now, haven't been writing much but still read :) I have major changes coming and it is scary but I will make myself take the leap of faith!
You look great!

brigette said...

You are amazing!! I think a job outside the house very well could be a great idea!! I am so excited to hear about LM she is so precious! I hope all goes well. Im sorry you had that rough encounter though... those always broadside you and make the day tough.. always thinking of you. Much love!

Stephanie said...

Jen - I think you look great and although I love the idea of you wanting to work on YOU I think you're great just the way you are :)

I've grown to love you throughout these past couple of years - I've cried tears for you, laughed for you and prayed for you.

I hope you find what will make you feel "normal" again :) you know like you're not hiding out.


Elisabeth said...

I don't think I have ever read you blog with the music on. It was especially fitting to listen to "In Better Hands" while reading this update. I really don't think I could ever put down words to respond to your loss...so just offering a hug ((((Jen))))

Ashley said...

Hi Jen I have never commented before but have been reading for awhile. I'm from Oklhoma too! Me and my husband just startedt he foster/adoption journey! It thrills my heart that you are about to be able to adopt this little girl. I can only hope our experinces is similar. We lost our son at 22 weeks and our unable medically speaking to have any more children. Just wanted you to know your story has touched me and gave me hope!

Pipsylou said...

Honey, you are FAR from a mess. In fact, I garner alot of inspiration/encouragement from reading your words.

The strength you portray here and, I'm sure, elsewhere in life, is as much a result of Ella's existence as it is of anything else. She has changed you, on a DNA level. And you're right. You're never leaving her behind. NEVER.

Is being a mess being real, open, and honest? Blogging on the days when you'd rather stay in bed? LIVING on the days when you'd rather stay in bed? And...*gasp* some days, actually STAYING in bed?

Then, yes, you're a mess.

But I am, too.

Praying about LM's case. It has all become so much more real to me since we opened up our hearts and home.

Love your example.

Deborah said...

Here from ICLW - Fortunately, I have not been through what you're going through, but it seems that it's hardest when you're not expecting to have to explain. I hope with time, you develop an answer you feel comfortable giving, as the pain is less recent.