I am not sure if I ever blogged about this or not, but about a month after Lily was placed with us, we got a call for a 21 month old little girl that was most likely going to be up for adoption soon. I spoke with Jay and we agreed to try. I picked her up at the shelter and she was bruised and sad looking and latched to my leg and wanted me to hold her instantly. I was signing the placement papers and a supervisor brought a bottle of prescription pain reliever over and when I asked what it was for, she simply said 'I think she has a cough'.. I have been in the medical field for 10+ years and know this is not for cough and when I told them that I was ceertain it was for pain, she acted like I was out of line for asking. I shook it off and took her with us. My MIL had went with me, we dropped LB off with my mom so we could go get a few things for her. As the day went on it was more and more aparent that this little girl had been through something horrible. I got home with both of the girls and I hear LB screaming, I walked in and the little girl had thrown her cup at her and was trying to get her to stop crying by putting her hand on Lilys face and screaming. I knew what I had to do, and it broke my heart, but in the pit of my stomach I knew this was not a match for our family. I called the worker and she begged me to keep her over the weekend. I told her what had happened and she told me to take her back to the shelter. When I got back, another worker met me and told me the girls history and to say I was baffled is to put it lightly. this.poor.poor. baby girl...my heart broke into pieces for her. I spoke with the worker and told her that in my opinion she really needs to be placed in a place where she is the youngest if not only small child.. She agreed and seemed confused on why I was not told the circumstances up front..which I would certainly like to know also.
So here we are a year + later and Lily is the girls age. I can't imagine throwing her into the system and expecting her to just adapt to the constant change, and she has had a good life, a happy happy girl, but I know even for a happy go lucky girl, that it would be difficult. This other little girl though, had been through hell, literally, and just needed a family of her own, someone to shape her and to mold her into the person she could be. Lately I have been feeling guilty, but I have to trust that she went to someone that could help her and dedicate the time and attention to her that she needed.
This little girl is the reason we chose to adopt through the state versus adopting through an agency. The kids no body wanted, the damaged kids. We were blessed with Lily, things were hard at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We could have submitted a life book and came home with a neat little perfect newborn, but we knew that was not what we were meant to do. We could have skipped the grueling visitations, the not knowing of what's next with her, but we knew there was something different in store for us.
This holiday season I kept thinking about the kids left celebrating in the shelters across the world. I thought about this other little girl, she is 3 now, does she have a family? Did she get to open presents with a mom and dad? I thought about LB, what if things hadn't worked out like they did, what if we had kept little man or sweet pea for another month, where would she be? would she be in the shelter? I will not ever know the answer to any of these questions, but I am thankful that this is the road that was chosen for us.