Blog award!

Jennifer from The Blue Sparrow awarded me with a blog award Happy 101.. thanks so much, and I agree that it is a bit more of an upbeat type of post than the norm.. and so it is very much received and appreciated~ So here are the rules of this award:
1. copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. list who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog (or hyperlink).
3. list 10 things that make you happy.
4. pass the award on to other bloggers
  
SOOO here are 10 things that make me happy (in no particular order) 

1. my immediate family..Jay, Cayden and Ella..I could not have asked for a better little family than I've been blessed with. I have been a serious head case at times over the past year or so.. Jay and Cayden have loved me through it..and I love them so much..instead of it being consumed and letting our grief tear our family apart, it has brought us closer and stronger..and Ella is still bringing me so much joy, even a year later, I am so proud to talk about her, to think about her, how brave, strong and beautiful she was(is)

 2. my friends and other family members.. I love LOVE seeing, talking to, emailing, texting and even facebooking them. We are truly blessed with such a great network of loved ones. From time to time I feel alone or just needing someone to be "normal" with me, and all I have to do is reach out..and vice versa, a few of them are VERY good at sending me some love and letting us know they still think of us, remember Ella and miss her with us.. Which is so very important.. I need to know even after all this time, that people still think of her/us..even if its just a quick message..it makes my day.. you know who you are ;)


3. Our pets! we have Molly our yellow lab that we got a few weeks after Ella passed, she was a tiny lovable blond angel who made us smile when it seemed impossible.. and now she is a very LARGE angel who makes us smile.. We also have Grayson who is one of Ella's kitties.. he does not know he is a cat, and thinks he has to be with in arms reach of me at all times..which is sweet and a tad annoying at times too.. 

4. music, I love to listen to music all of the time..I always have. When I am feeling sad, I like to crank the stereo, open the windows and take it all in..

5. that I get to work from home, I would certainly rather not work at all, but sadly at the moment is a necessity. I get to work my hours when ever I want to most of the time, and I love the fact that I get to go to Cayden's school for little parties, take him lunch when he forgets it on the counter..

6. Shopping, Kirklands is my FAVORITE place to go, Hobby Lobby, Target, etc etc.. I love to shop for house/yard/garden stuff..

7. Reading a good book.. Nicholas sparks, Mitch Albom, Jodi Picoult, even some Danielle Steele ;)

8. Our infant loss group.. I love going and getting to talk about our feelings out loud, to talk to other grieving parents, and to offer advice on what helps us and listening to what helps them.. its just a good feeling to be able to speak openly about Ella and our loss.

9.  Blogging, I started this, not sure I would be able to "do it" or just afraid no one would read it because I had nothing to talk about, etc etc. It has turned into so much, keeping our friends and family up to date with Ella's health and then has turned into therapy and introduced me to so many other people.. I also love to read blogs, good, bad and ugly..


10. The thought of being able to help children when they need it the most, to make a difference in their lives.. to help others while we ourselves are healing.. and the hope of one day, one (or two) of these children will need us to be there forever family.. We are so excited to see what the Lord has in store for us..


I am going to tag

Heidi @ life with Jack
Deb @ Hudson in His Hands
Heather @ its spelled Maguire
Kelli @ a mommy, a daddy and 2 beautiful girls
Jaime @ Handprints on my heart
Britt @ peace Began
Nan @ remembering our angel triplets
Jill @ footprints on our heart
Fran @ Handprint from Heaven

I could tag and link all day, but won't for the sake of time, so if you read this consider yourself tagged!! xoxo

no clever title today...

I am not sure if it is my job, the process of being approved to take in and help other children, or if it is because May 15th is rapidly approaching, but I feel as though my top is about to explode. My brain literally hurts. My heart often beats so fast that I can feel it all through out my body. I even have to stop and think about what was going through my mind just a few seconds before..its normally one of the 3 before mentioned topics. I have woken to find myself buried face down in a tear soaked pillow nearly every morning for a week. I have done this off and on through the course of the year, but not daily..not since the first month or two.. I think of her and hurt so bad. one year. how? why? where did it go?why is the pain so deep after so long?

So many feelings..anxiety, sadness and on top of it, I feel like a failure..I've been thinking about this time last year when I actually thought and prayed "Lord just take her so she isn't suffering anymore"..you read it right.. I can't believe I actually even had this thought.. And I know I have not put as much time into the basketball tournament/luncheon/fundraiser as I would have liked to, and would still like to, but what if people don't come? what if its a big flop and wasted time and effort.. what if people don't care anymore?. they don't care that she died, I think they expect us to move along..get over it..don't worry about awareness or a cure..even if everyone in the world can clearly define mitochondrial disease, and then ramble off the cure, it won't bring Ella back to us..and it won't..but I can't let time go by and not do anything for her.. to honor her..I dunno.. I think today is one of these days I should have just stayed in bed..I just can't fake happy at the moment.. sorry to be such a downer..

the saddest question..

I was looking at some pics this morning of a FB friends little girl, and Cayden walked up behind me and asked "Is she dead too?".....crap...this is the world he lives in..2 years ago, he would have NEVER asked this..broke.my.freaking.heart. So I think I will only be looking at my precious BLM's blogs/FB's while he is away..He needs to know that people have kids that don't die.. I don't want him to grow up where he believes its the norm that peoples babies die..which it is, I guess, but who wants to carry that burden their entire life? I would think it would make you extremely sad or worry constantly or the opposite completely desensitize one to death.. either way, I think we need to show him hope, show him that the world can be good sometimes..its not all sadness and loss.. I know he is all too familiar with this side of the universe, I am not going to assume he will ever just forget about it.He doesn't walk around sad or anything, he's happy, plays, laughs, still its obviously in the back of his little head..he needs the other side too..he is just a kid,I always say the world isn't rainbows and sunshine all of the time, but for a child, it should be right? He certainly deserves it.. he has been through so much..not just losing his sister, but being shuffled around, taken out of sports and things he loved for a year, and then having to watch as everyone around him grieved the same loss as him..it is a lot to deal with for being 10 yrs old. When I was 10 my worries were if I had enough play time, if my friends could stay the night, if we could order pizza, sure as hell was not if someone else I loved would die, or if another family was feeling this loss also.. So I am feeling a bit blue and a little anger about the entire situation once again..my daughter is dead and my son is dealing with some big stuff.. and my home inspection is this afternoon..sad, anxious and nervous, what a cocktail of emotion..