I am not sure if it is my job, the process of being approved to take in and help other children, or if it is because May 15th is rapidly approaching, but I feel as though my top is about to explode. My brain literally hurts. My heart often beats so fast that I can feel it all through out my body. I even have to stop and think about what was going through my mind just a few seconds before..its normally one of the 3 before mentioned topics. I have woken to find myself buried face down in a tear soaked pillow nearly every morning for a week. I have done this off and on through the course of the year, but not daily..not since the first month or two.. I think of her and hurt so bad. one year. how? why? where did it go?why is the pain so deep after so long?
So many feelings..anxiety, sadness and on top of it, I feel like a failure..I've been thinking about this time last year when I actually thought and prayed "Lord just take her so she isn't suffering anymore"..you read it right.. I can't believe I actually even had this thought.. And I know I have not put as much time into the basketball tournament/luncheon/fundraiser as I would have liked to, and would still like to, but what if people don't come? what if its a big flop and wasted time and effort.. what if people don't care anymore?. they don't care that she died, I think they expect us to move along..get over it..don't worry about awareness or a cure..even if everyone in the world can clearly define mitochondrial disease, and then ramble off the cure, it won't bring Ella back to us..and it won't..but I can't let time go by and not do anything for her.. to honor her..I dunno.. I think today is one of these days I should have just stayed in bed..I just can't fake happy at the moment.. sorry to be such a downer..