Tuesday, April 27, 2010

no clever title today...

I am not sure if it is my job, the process of being approved to take in and help other children, or if it is because May 15th is rapidly approaching, but I feel as though my top is about to explode. My brain literally hurts. My heart often beats so fast that I can feel it all through out my body. I even have to stop and think about what was going through my mind just a few seconds before..its normally one of the 3 before mentioned topics. I have woken to find myself buried face down in a tear soaked pillow nearly every morning for a week. I have done this off and on through the course of the year, but not daily..not since the first month or two.. I think of her and hurt so bad. one year. how? why? where did it go?why is the pain so deep after so long?

So many feelings..anxiety, sadness and on top of it, I feel like a failure..I've been thinking about this time last year when I actually thought and prayed "Lord just take her so she isn't suffering anymore"..you read it right.. I can't believe I actually even had this thought.. And I know I have not put as much time into the basketball tournament/luncheon/fundraiser as I would have liked to, and would still like to, but what if people don't come? what if its a big flop and wasted time and effort.. what if people don't care anymore?. they don't care that she died, I think they expect us to move along..get over it..don't worry about awareness or a cure..even if everyone in the world can clearly define mitochondrial disease, and then ramble off the cure, it won't bring Ella back to us..and it won't..but I can't let time go by and not do anything for her.. to honor her..I dunno.. I think today is one of these days I should have just stayed in bed..I just can't fake happy at the moment.. sorry to be such a downer..

12 comments:

Britt said...

You are not being a downer, you are being honest! I am sorry you are having such a rough day and I think people will surprise you. Give them the chance! Even if no one shows up...YOU did what you needed to do to honor Ella! Hope your day gets better!!

heather said...

It's ok to share your feelings, no matter what they are. I think of you often. Hang in there...

(((hugs)))

Tiffany Lockette said...

Thinking of you Jenn and you can always be honest with us, that is what we are here for, through the ups and downs.

With Out My Punkin said...

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
When I was planning Christmas with Kasey last year I did it all by myself I had NO help... my husband was worried that no one would come and that I would be disappointed. He was more worried about protecting me. You know if no one came I would have still been proud of what I did and the awareness I spread about CDH, yes I would rather our babies be here than to plan something in their memory. Thinking of you! You can do it and you will do it, Ella is proud of her mommy! I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Debbie said...

Feeling a bit blue with you...
you are in my prayers.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Jen, I am so sorry that your having a hard time. Just know that I am praying for you! *HUGS*

P.S. I left you an award on my blog!

Nan & Mike said...

So sorry you have to feel this pain honey (((HUGS))). The only thing that appeared to help me when I felt intense pressure before my girls' birthday was to start planning things, to just do anything that felt like I was doing something for them. It only matters that you and your family are going to honor your sweet angel, and the rest of the people, well, its wonderful if they come too, you will have done your best and she knows that. Love, Nan xxx

Mary said...

Certian days are harder than others, especially with all you have on your plate right now! And I know the tournament won't bring her back, but I think it is good to do something to help you feel like you have some control over the disease that took her. I am praying it is very successful!

Christy said...

The time leading up to my babies birthday was the hardest except for those awful weeks right after they died. It was like all of it was mounting up again, demanding me to pay attention. You will get through it-you shouldn't have to, and I'm sorry you do, but you will.
Sending lots and lots of love and hugs...

Kelli with Love said...

:o( Sad...Jen. That breaks my heart. Try not to be hard on yourself. Any mother would've thought that thought! You have so much going on right now too, so please know it's okay to be stressed. Hope you find better days soon...hugs.

Karen said...

I am so sorry you are having a rough day. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are an amazing person!I pray tomorrow will be softer on your heart!

littleharves said...

i just wanted you to know i was thinking of you and sending some more big hugs xxxxxxxxx anne