Monday, January 11, 2010

very blah..

I am still here.. 2010 has gone okay so far, Cayden got more time off of school because of the weather, that was nice to spend time with him.. we saw a few movies, went to eat some and played some games..

I am trying very hard to be my actions, in my post (explains the lack of) and it the way I carry myself.. I miss Ella like crazy and this time last year is when she first got sick, the first time we knew it was a possibility that we may lose our only daughter. I think about that, I think about everything she went through and now it seems like it was all so unnecessary. I feel guilty about allowing it, I feel guilty for the abandonment that C must have felt.. I feel lost in a world that I am suppose to be happy in.. and I just can't do it.. I am trying to let it be enough to know that she is in a better place, to know that she is in heaven..this should make me content..sometimes it does.. most of the time, I just can't.. so instead I pretend.. I smile at the people that have babies, toddlers, pregnant, I smile and pretend that inside I don't want to strangle them, or think "you bury your daughter and lets see if you smile" or think that my pain is worse than others that endure loss... and I HATE being like this.. so I am trying to be better than okay, I am trying to be good, to smile and mean it.. I need to be okay and not let my grief define who I am.. so this is why I am absent.. I am trying to collect myself.. to start 2010 positively.. that's it for now.. hopefully a happier post is to come soon.


Malory said...

It would be great to read a positive post..but only if thats truly how you are feeling. I know how hard everyday is to function. To get up each morning and try & poise yourself for the day...for the hello how are yous?..the smiles..the errands...the housework...the caring of our other child. Its hard to stay so put together & I know its hard to feel like you have to stay that way for everyone. I hope this place is where you feel you can just be. Just be mad, sad, crazy, ...& happy... but when you are. Let this place be the place you dont have to be put together all the time.

I commend you on wanting to be more positive. I am also trying to be that way as well. I am just scared I am putting another "thing to be" on my list.

Here's hoping 2010 brings our families much more joy, peace & positive events.

Franchesca Cox said...

Something you said struck a chord with me "I am trying to let it be enough to know that she is in a better place, to know that she is in heaven..this should make me content.." things that used to make me feel better about her death and my loss now seem to offer little hope and no light. I get it. The sadness is weighing heavy in my world right now and N.O.T.H.I.N.G. seems to be helping. I am convinced it will pass but until then I am making the same fake smiles and fake laughter and forcing myself out of terrible thoughts.

I am sorry that you are feeling guilty about Ella's treatments and all she went through. You were only doing what any parent would have done, you were trying to save her life. I have the same regrets and think it was all in vain, but the guilt would have been greater had I not fought for her life.

I wish there was something I could do to help your heart, but I will be praying for you.


margaret said...

Such a burden to carry, the doubting whether you did right by your child. As most others from the outside could tell you without hesitation that of course you did everything right for Ella, I know too well the self doubt. I question myself too for all that I put my son through in the days before he died and wonder if it was all for naught. We do the best we can in the situations we find ourselves in, for our children the things we do are out of love so you can't possibly go wrong for that. We all need our time to grieve and as you well know there are days when we are okay only to come crashing down at something remembered. Be patient with yourself, no grieving mother can be positive all the time, nor should you be expected to. Perhaps plastering on the smile is not what you need right now, allow yourself to feel the pain and work through it. This is YOUR loss, no one elses. No one can tell you to stop missing Ella, to feel better, to be more positive, it's your pain. I never expect another bereaved mother to be "fine" for my benefit or anyone elses, if you need to rant or cry or write a million times how much you miss her, please give yourself permission to do it. Wishing you peace in the coming days...Hugs

Heather said...

Praying for you Jen. Thank you for the update. I have been thinking about you a lot. Even if your post wasn't positive or upbeat, it was what you are feeling that that is what your blog is about. YOUR feelings. Whatever that may be. Thinking about you and the months to come. Grieving with you.

Debbie said...


I will admit...
I too have many of those same thoughts...when I see "healthy" babies...and I think...that mom doesn't know how good she has it...I assume they take for granted their children are perfectly healthy...who am I to assume anything? And what eats at me more...when I see 3+ kids in a family and wonder why they get to have all their kids perfectly healthy and I couldn't! (btw...I feel horrible for even admitting these are my thoughts!)

I guess it is just the way we mourn our loss...your loss of your loss of what Hudson was "suppose" to be... in my mind.

Thank goodness for blogs, right? It helps to know WE ALL have these thoughts racing thru our heads...and hey...this is YOUR blog...YOUR be used for purging emotions, tears, fears, etc. Only be true to you and your day to one reading expects anything more!

My prayers and hugs are being sent your way.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I feel the same way. I just keep trying to fake it till I make it with my emotions. To outsiders I probably look like Im handeling this okay but on the inside Im a mess. Praying that we both will being to feel sincerley these things were trying to portray to those on the outside. *HUGS*

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I know what you mean about smiling at women with babies and pregnant women. I smile to keep from crying...or screaming. I'm so jealous and I feel like my real life was stolen from me and now I have to live this one. This one sucks in comparison. It's good that you are trying to be positive and feel better, but know that other baby loss moms are here for you and you don't have to fake it with us. We can all relate.

Kristy said...

You don't need to only write happy, go lucky things. You need to write from your soul. We understand, we are here, we don't judge whether you are happy, sad or angry. Be you. I can relate to wanting to be happier, to mean it. To smile and it be genuine. Some days its just too hard. I like to think thats okay. Its the only way I know how to live right now. I have okay days, I have good days and I have bad days. I think its all just part of the journey. I hope 2010 is the year that brings us all much happiness and joy. *hugs*

Holly said...

The pregnant ones are the ones bugging me the most since we've been trying 9 months. I haven't run into any for a while (mostly because I don't venture out much besides work and church). I think it's good that you want to be more positive but also let everything run it's course. I'm afraid forcing it will only set you back and I wouldn't want that for you. Of course, I think we've all put on the fake smile before b/c people who don't get it just don't handle things very well with us.

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) Give your self time... Its ok to have those thoughts and feelings. Even if some don't think so...This is YOUR place to say what you want. Its not always positive, we know that, and that is OK!! Thinking of you


Owners Misty Maxwell and Fawn Ozug said...

Thank you for the RSVP to Kai's party. We are excited Cayden will be coming.
Aside from the business blog, I used to be a blogger myself. I am so sorry to read about the painful season you are going through. I have nightmares of such a loss of any of our three children. To live that nightmare must be just almost unbearable. I look forward to meeting you.
Praying for you and your family.


Owners Misty Maxwell and Fawn Ozug said...

I've spent a lot of my day reading your blog up to Cayden's 9th birthday. The Doorkeeper put me into histerics. You write very well. If Cayden would ever like to come over and play with Kai we would love to have him. We too, are Christians and Kai is very strong in his faith, in fact, if Cayden would ever like to come to church with Kai (I read it's sometimes hard for you guys to go) he is surely welcomed to. If you and your Hubs would like to join us too, that would be fantastic.