I am still here.. 2010 has gone okay so far, Cayden got more time off of school because of the weather, that was nice to spend time with him.. we saw a few movies, went to eat some and played some games..
I am trying very hard to be positive..in my actions, in my post (explains the lack of) and it the way I carry myself.. I miss Ella like crazy and this time last year is when she first got sick, the first time we knew it was a possibility that we may lose our only daughter. I think about that, I think about everything she went through and now it seems like it was all so unnecessary. I feel guilty about allowing it, I feel guilty for the abandonment that C must have felt.. I feel lost in a world that I am suppose to be happy in.. and I just can't do it.. I am trying to let it be enough to know that she is in a better place, to know that she is in heaven..this should make me content..sometimes it does.. most of the time, I just can't.. so instead I pretend.. I smile at the people that have babies, toddlers, pregnant, I smile and pretend that inside I don't want to strangle them, or think "you bury your daughter and lets see if you smile" or think that my pain is worse than others that endure loss... and I HATE being like this.. so I am trying to be better than okay, I am trying to be good, to smile and mean it.. I need to be okay and not let my grief define who I am.. so this is why I am absent.. I am trying to collect myself.. to start 2010 positively.. that's it for now.. hopefully a happier post is to come soon.