Saturday, January 16, 2010

it stops...

It stops, the calls, the emails, the FB messages...I don't know to be happy that I have finally gotten past the point where people feel the need and can stop "checking in on me" or sad that contact stopped all together.. I am doing (mostly) okay and don't cry at the drop of a hat anymore..sometimes I can even talk about her and not break down...but I still need friends.. I need normalcy. I need to talk about things that aren't about my deceased child.. I know most of my friendships, if not all, the detachment has came on my part.. I declined meals and going out and meeting up for so long. Ella was sick and then I was just plain not wanting to leave my comfort zone..But I am needing that again...I need human contact again.. and I am in serious need of normalcy..friends.. laughing, all of it..I know it's all my doing..I am mourning several friendships now too.. that I want back..any other BLM's going through this? How do you un-do this?

Thanks to Amanda A. for calling me so late to listen to me whine and to give me some long distance love...it made me feel better and I was able to finally drift to sleep..love you..you are a good friend to me, and thank you for sticking by me even though I am a mess sometimes..

15 comments:

Kristy said...

You didn't do anything wrong. You were living through a nightmare, you were heartbroken, you are grieving. You acted normal. I have lost friends through my losses. Our of their selfishness, out of them feeling like they couldn't deal with what I was going through, they walked away. Even family members let me/us down. I needed my friends and family, and those who are still with me today are my true friends. Its sad that so many ran when I needed them the most, but I have come to the conclusion that they were never my real friends to begin with. Friends are there with you through the good AND the bad. They don't walk when it gets tough. I am sorry you are experiencing this too. The phone calls long stopped, the facebook messages and e-mails long stopped. I found I got more support after we lost E, and next to nothing after we lost L. Maybe they thought since we had been through something similar once before we didn't need support? If anything, we needed it more. I am angry, I am frustrated and sad. In the end, I know I am a good friend. I have always been a good, caring friend, I was always there for my friends. I can live the rest of my life knowing I did what I was supposed to do in our friendships, it was them who walked away. I just hope that none of these "friends" of mine, ever have to experience such a loss, such a devastation. And if they do, I hope they have better friends then they were to me. I wish I had answers, solution, suggestions. I have given up, I am done trying, I am done hoping. My true friends are still here. Thinking of you. Lots of *hugs*

Kristy said...

Well, wasn't that a novel. ;)

Just Breathe said...

I'm so sorry. I have a dear friend who lost her son 10 years ago. I remember when I was at the funeral home, people were wrapped around the building outside for the viewing. I talked with the funeral director who also lost a child years before and he said the hard part comes later when it all dies down, meaning the attention of love from others. I will pray for your comfort.

Christy said...

I don't know what to do, either. I sometimes feel like no one can win with me-they say the wrong things so I don't want them to say anything-and then when they don't say anything, that makes me mad, too!
I guess when it comes down to it, unless you've been through this, it must be hard to be a friend. I guess. I don't know. It's weird to have something so horrible happen and then lose friendships on top of it when you need them most.
You certainly didn't do anything wrong, like Kristy said. I'm so sorry :(

Jayme said...

I don't know :(
I pushed everyone away after I lost Connor right after Elora and that was '06 and '07 and now that I'd love to have some adult company they've all moved on.

Amanda L Archer said...

I'm glad you were able to rest. I'm always here. I love you too. :)

lost--for--words said...

I've gone through this not only with some of my friends, but family as well. I've been struggling with maintaining a somewhat decent relationship with my parents, but there is so much resentment of my part. I feel as though they moved on the day after the funeral. They'd never call just to 'see how I was doing,' or to talk about my heartache - I felt very abandoned and very much let down. Same with several friends. I found it too hard to try to get together with them when I couldn't think about anything else but my grief and they were on a totally different page. I'm still struggling with this all... But I'm learning to be kinder and gentler to myself and not push it and expose myself to others when I'm feeling my lowest and most vulnerable. Sending you srength to figure this all out.

Mary said...

I don't think you have done anything wrong. One of the MANY grief books I have read says people tend to isolate themselves from us because they just don't know what to say or how to respond to us. I know that doesn't help, but it makes me feel better. I have tried just being as honest as I can with people, and saying "I still need you to call!"

Praying for you!

Heather said...

I check up on you here. Please find me and add me as a friend on Facebook. You know my first name and can probably figure out my last name. I am sorry that you don't have many people around you. Don't beat yourself up over the declined dinner invites. You needed to take care of yourself. Big HUGS to you Jen.

Mary said...

At the wake I felt like we would be OK because we were surronded by so many friends and family. Yet as time passed by they didn't seem to be there really. They just wanted me to be OK so that they could be OK. They don't want to know about the heartache. We are here for. You are more that welcome to email me at any time.

Missing Kasey said...

Deb hit it on the nose, or the funeral director did I guess... people drift away like you are over it and all better. I have found that those people aren't your friends anyway. No matter how hard you push, the ones who are still by your side are the ones you want with you. For me I can use one hand...I don't care though, because I have them and I KNOW they will be there. ((hugs))

Nicolle

Heather Lyon said...

jen, this was the part i was telling you about ~where it gets super tough! I feel ya on all these levels of pain and i think that often people just get tired of seeing us sad or they just haven't got any new words of comfort to offer. so they stop. It's not that they care any less but that they go on with their lives while yours has been changed forever!! I think that you will feel better soon. You really seem to want to and that is the biggest step~ you have to want to feel better. It was hard for me at first I felt like if i laughed or smiled that i was doing something wrong by not constantly mourning him. Then i felt guilty but that shouldn't be the case~ she wants you to live, and be happy. J and cayden love you so much and so does little ella. You are a great person. If anything in your life you can look at how much love you have been given. So much love and that will always be there..

Once A Mother said...

I always say that i had more friends before losing Peyton, but better friends now. The ones who mention her, to stick with me even on the non milestone days and remember and talk about her and let me talk, they are the ones to keep. Amanda sounds like one of those friends.

kace said...

I dont know how you are as strong as you are! I have followed Ella's and your story for a long time now and your strength amazes me. Thanks for always being so real on your blog

Holly said...

It seems that my friends that used to call every once in awhile don't really call at all now. And it's easy, so easy, to pick up the phone or to send an email at least.