Thursday, January 14, 2010

little of this and that...

A year ago tonight my parents brought Cayden to the childrens hospital to see Ella and so that his dad and I could take him to dinner. We went to Red Lobster, Caydens fav plus just a mile down the road, so not too far. We sat, ordered our drinks. He grabbed my hand and I just looked at Jay.. shook my head, attempting to shake away the tears that were already forming.

Jay-Tomorrow, Ella is going to have surgery, they are going to cut a tiny hole in her stomach to test her liver and her muscle
Cayden- why? wont that hurt her?
Me- no, she will be sleeping and not feel a thing..they are testing to make sure she is okay, to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong with her"
Cayden-what would be wrong with her? Is she going to be okay?
Me- they are just running some test.. and yes she will be fine babe..

liar. she was not fine. in fact just 4 months later she would die. She would fly away into Heaven..walk the streets of gold and sing hymns and praise our savior all day long.. and here we are..without her.. with fears that all of this is too much for the child we have still with us.. How will all of this effect him? Did we do enough for him during this? Did he know that even though so much focus was on her that we love him just as much..what about now.. my consuming grief..he see's it.. I know he does. The sweet way he lays by me and grabs my hand..the caring way he hugs me randomly, runs his fingers through my hair while we watch TV.. Does he know that I love him more than words can express.. I say things like "I love you" and he replies the I love you too and I say "no.. I love you so much I can't stand it" and he will say I know.. me too.. I would gladly take all of his pain from the last year, I would take it from him.. to know that he is okay. Don't get me wrong..he is resilient, he is strong in mind and faith.. now and then he stares into space and I would do anything to know where he go with him.. I wonder sometimes, if this conversation should have been more truthful and told him "we don't know, we are trusting God, we are praying for her.." I can't go back though.. I wish I could for so many reasons.. I think about the love I have for my children, how much it pains me to think about all she went through and all he has dealt with...I think about it and it reminds me of our fathers love..he felt this way for Jesus.. He saw Jesus hanging on the cross being tortured.. he could have called ten thousand angels to stop it, but he didn't.. Jesus died on the cross that day, so that sinners like us could have salvation, have the security of knowing that one day.. I WILL SEE HER AGAIN!! Don Piper the pastor who wrote and experienced 90 minutes in Heaven, describes Heaven as the ultimate family reunion.. what a day that will be..

A year ago today, we went to dinner with our son..who would have ever thought it would be one that would replay in my head over and over.. almost 8 months ago, we buried our daughter.. I know for us, we never thought this would happen to us.. We took precautions for her safety, we don't smoke or drink, didn't lay her on her belly, she was taken to her check ups..we did everything RIGHT... and it happened..despite all we've done.. I will never again take for granted my children, my husband, my happens to real people all of the time..see the sidebar..all real people, with real loss and real pain.. hug your kids..don't get caught up in tomorrow, today is what is important.. One meal that you will remember til its your time to return to Jesus.. one day I rocked her longer than I probably should of..Today is the day..

James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."


Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) We wont let ourselves think that the worse will happen. You answered him honestly and what you had prayed would be the case. Being a parent is not from a book, but from the heart. You are being wonderful parents. Thinking of you


Franchesca Cox said...

We will see our babies again. That is my only hope. Sending you *big* hugs.

Mary said...

I know we will all be able to see our children again.

Holly said...

I know I wish I knew how my stepdaughter really thought about all that happened. Kyndra was too young to understand but Hannah was 9 when we got Carleigh's fatal diagnosis.

I know that I hold Kyndra closer. She is my treasure. What an appropriate verse. I love it when scripture is shared.

Debbie said...

I understand your "fear" of what kind of toll the past year has taken on your son. I wonder all the time, if my choices, because of Hudson, will cause resentment, anger, etc. from my other two. I want to be fair with my time, energy, decision making, etc. among all my children...BUT Hudson requires so much seems.

We do the best we can as parents. I pray, pray, pray... daily for my kids...that they will cling to Jesus through life, and know in good and bad times He will always be there, walking beside them.
The best gift we can give them is Jesus...because we can disappoint or fail, but He will not.

Your pain is sincerely felt through your words....I am so, so sorry for your pain.

Nan & Mike said...

She will make it back into your arms one day, I believe that wholeheartedly. I just still wish that no child was ever taken from their families too soon. I wish peace for you, as your words unveil your hurt. Thank you for sharing. Hugs, Nan xo

Heidi said...

(((Thinking about you tonight))) Give that sweet boy a hug for me, he sounds amazing.
Heidi & Jack