Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Verb1.go through the motions - pretend to do something by acting as if one was really doing it; "She isn't really working--she's just going through the motions"
Make believe, pretend, make - represent fictitiously, as in a play, or pretend to be or act like
  • Get up, one foot out of bed and then the other..
  • Fake Smile at the people I know, or are acquaintances with at the school, grocery store, church, everywhere I go..I see someone I must smile at..
  • work, clean, feed the dog and cats, try to take care of my family and friends and be there when they need me..but I am only partially there..I am consumed by my own sadness, that I cannot focus..I am numb to others grief and pain..I hate it..
  • fake smile when everyone someone else announces their pregnancies, new babies, etc etc.. all the while thinking_ I just wish I could still have her..I wish things were different..I just need my
  • Let Cayden off to school, friends and family's house to stay the night.. I have to fake a smile and be fine, although I just want him to stay with me..all of the time.. I just need to know at any given moment that he is okay..
  • I pretend that it doesn't kill me that it is March already.."yeah, I guess it is march, I didn't realize" liar.. I have been dreading it for a few reasons. March is when we decided to place her feeding tube, when her seizures started, when I brought her home different than when I took her in.. I let her seize all night trying to take care of her myself, because I knew that she would be readmitted, and she was to ICU..I should have taken her sooner..and to top it off, C will be 10 on the 30th.. 10.years.old.. he has wanted a sibling since he was 4, and I can't even provide him with one to keep.. so..yeah. I guess I do realize its March..just a few months shy of May..when my world fell apart..
I want so much more than to go through the motions forever.. I want to not be numb. I want to care about what people are saying, what people are going through.. I want to smile and MEAN it.. I don't want to be envious of every family with a baby or toddler around the age Ella should be.. 


With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) I have nothing that will make you feel better or take your pain away. Giving you a big hug and thinking of you!

PB&J said...

Just letting you know that I hear you.. and I fake smile every day too... but one of those days I smiled and really felt ok... It only lasted a moment but I'll take it.

Mary said...

I feel the same way. I try not to be but just can't help to have those feelings within.