maybe...

My uncle K passed away very suddenly a few months back. He was a good guy, funny, outgoing..Some in my family didn't know how to take him, I however though, adored him..I seriously have so many good memories of just laughing with him and him giving the best hugs, he was a big, tall man and when you got a K hug, it was a REAL hug, he'd pull ya in and you just felt okay. He is one of the few people I remember talking to after Ella died, and although he never lost a child, he just got it..he was like that I guess.. anyway, I never dream about anyone other than Ella from time to time, and never of any importance..but I just woke up and had the need to get this written down before I forget..I honestly don't know if I will even post it, but here is what happened.

I was standing on a white sand beach, I was the only one there. The waves were softly crashing into the beach, the sun was just rising. I remember thinking 'its a new day'. I heard some rustling down the way that grabbed my attention. I look over and there is my uncle K on the break of where the water meets the sand. He was picking up Christmas lights. I begin to walk toward him and he says 'Jen, it was awesome, you should have seen it!!' I look all down the beach and there are lights for miles..'but where??...how do you plug them in? how far do they go?" He just laughed and said simply..'it was so cool'.. I follow him as he continues to wrap the lights..'How is your aunt L doing?' he asked. 'I think she is okay, she got a new job...she is excited about it I think...She misses you...alot..' I stop and feel bad for a second because I was here with K and she wasn't..'I miss her, but she will be okay, its not like its the end of our story'. I was still a few feet back from him and had stopped in my tracks.. He turned around, as to make sure I was still there..his eyes met mine.. 'Have you seen her?' I finally get out..he smiles his big contagious smile and says 'She is perfect, she is so funny and actually reminds me alot of you'.. I catch his face as he looks out in the ocean..'Beautiful, isn't it?'.... 'Can I go? to see her? just for a little bit'..He looks at me and then looks down while kicking some sand around..'sweet heart, you know thats just not possible'..'Please, its been so long, and this is just so hard' I begin to cry, he pulls me close to him into a famous K hug, and says 'We were never promised it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.. trust me honey, its worth it'..I take a deep breath in, to try to compose myself..the smell was so sweet, roses, maybe vanilla? I don't know..I wipe my tears and pull back and as I look up I see that he is gone.. I look all around and there are no lights, no sight of anyone else..or that anyone else had been there at all..just me on the beach alone.. I look back and just my footprints are there.. and in my heart and head all I can hear is his deep voice saying 'trust me honey, its worth it'..I look out at the beautiful sunrise over the ocean, smell of sweetness still lingering..'I hope so..' I say in a whispered voice.. and then wake up..

I laid in bed, trying to get back to sleep..maybe my dreams would take me back there..no luck..I hopped up fast, wanting to tell someone.. now that I typed it all out, hopefully I won't forget it.. I am not much of one for signs or symbolism.. but my heart has been so heavy lately.. and to have this dream on the morning of New years eve...that is something.. tomorrow marks a new year..'a new day'.. We have our new hope in LM, so maybe, just maybe.. 2011 will be kind to us.. or at least kinder than 2009 and 2010 have been.. maybe I won't waste 2011 drowning in self pity..maybe I will look at each day and strive to make it better than the last..maybe I will work on patience, maybe I'll work on the faith part of my faith based religion.. maybe I will find acceptance or at least some tiny bit of peace about what's happened...

If you are reading this, I wish nothing but the best for your new year.. from the words of Oprah Winfrey '“Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right'...

on repeat...

I don't know if its the holiday blues or what, but its been rough. I am so thrilled with all I have been blessed with. Everything with LM seems to be cruising right along, Cayden is doing wonderful, my life is on track and heading in the direction I want it to go.  I can think of Ella and smile, I visited her grave today and didn't cry. I did leave ((again)) thinking of how ridiculously unfair it is that she is gone. I still feel so sad and damaged. I thought of how one day my pain will be less, it is more tolerable already, but one day, will it be gone? And then I felt guilty, without the pain, how will I remember her? No one ever told me about the waves of grief being on repeat..I went through them all, just as I read and expected, but how many cyles do I go through? forever?  another year?
LM is 8 months and 28 days old today. Tomorrow morning at 8:45am, she will be older than Ella ever got a chance to be. I have irrational crazy thoughts about stuff happening today or tomorrow to her, as if I have some sort of cut off and my daughter can not exceed 8 months and 29 days. Its crazy I know, I know LM is fine, healthy and perfect.. I hate that I always have fear of losing her.. I try not to let it interfere with enjoying my 'now' time with her, and most of the time I do fine. .its just that dang quiet time that always gets to me.. when I worry about everything from losing Lm to forgetting Ella..

Christmas...

I have been trying to get everything done here that needs to be done before Christmas and I just cannot muster up the motivation. I keep thinking Christmas won't come and I will have no reason to miss her more on another 'special day' I have been racking my brain and I for the life of me not remember anything about last Christmas. I guess I was still in my zombie/fog phase.  My mom is coming over today and hopefully (with the help of 5 hr energy) going to get me over the hump. I am excited to see LM open presents and to see her new toys, and I know C will be thrilled with everything he gets. I feel like I should be happy and ready to go and in the holiday spirit, because I do have so much to be thanful for. I am grateful for all I have, my husband, family, friends and 2 beautiful kids here with me, and my gorgeous daughter who I was blessed to have for the time we did. I do have more good moments than bad, but it seems like in the midst of joy, I get a little stinging pain reminding me to not forget..as if that is possible..


anyway we took LM to see Santa.. it was an experience..thats for sure :)  I don't know that I will be on between now and Christmas so wanted to tell everyone to have a merry Christmas..I am praying for all of my sweet BLM's and other friends this holiday season..xoxo

Christmas in Heaven

8 months!

((this is a little late, but I wanted to have record, so here I go)

8 months old and here is all you can do!

you scream DADADADADA and LALALALA all of the time.. we try to get you to say mama, but you are a defiant little soul :)

you crawl so fast all over the place, I tease that you crawl like Gullom from lord of the rings, you use your right leg to move you and your left is on stand by incase you need to stand quickly, its quite hilarious to watch..

You pull up to everything and always seem so proud of yourself, you look around to make sure we have seen you and smile with those big beautiful dimples!

you are feeding yourself some, we started with puffs, and now you are a pro! you love shredded cheese, scrambled eggs and anything else you can put your little fingers on.. Molly also loves that you are sharing with her so much..

You love 'yo gabba gabba' every morning you sit in the high chair and eat breakfast and watch one episode when I get ready for the day. you clap and sing and say 'yaaaaayyyy' the entire time..

you are 21.8 lbs and tall and very lean! Most clothes are 12 months and fit you pretty well! your hair grows longer every day, I love to put it in pigtails and bows.

you don't sleep through the night, you wake up once, sometimes twice. I don't mind though, I secretly am relieved to hear you over the monitor, I get to check on you and make sure you are okay or give you a bottle. I love rocking you while you sleep..just me and you in the quietest of quiet.. you sleep snuggled up breathing in my ear as I thank God for you and pray to keep you forever..

On Dec 31, 2010 you will be 9 months old, 2 days older than Ella, I am anxious to see what 9 months looks like on a little girl, I see little pieces of her when I look at you, even though you are not blood related, you are sisters. C has said from day one that you were sent as a blessing via Ella's request.. to make us happy again. And that you do baby girl.. The thought of all 3 of my babies fills my cup...

inconceivable...

Her worker called and I waited til last minute to pick up the phone. I was so afraid of bad news. She said 'they are terminated' and I began to weep. I couldn't even get a word out..finally, I was able to spit out 'thats wonderful'..she told me that a worker from another county came and testified about their history and losing the previous 3 children. The D.A presented evidence they had and she told her findings. They have 30 days to appeal the decision, but the court appointed lawyer withdrew when the parents no showed, so they would have to pay for their private attorney, and if we are being honest, what are the chances of that? and even if they were to appeal, the judge was very much in favor of LM's best interest, which do not include her bio-rents.

I spent most of last night and earlier this morning thinking of how we, as a family, would get through losing her. I psyched myself out by expecting things to not go in our favor. I still am half way expecting a 'but wait..' sort of call..Her worker said that they have to make sure all immediate family has been notified and given a chance, ((which she said they have been, more than once)) and that an adoption worker would be contacting us. I feel like I have just given birth in a strange sense, I feel like she truly belongs to me now,  I feel hopeful.. and I havent felt this happy, truly happy in 2 years..joy? what is that?? I just don't know what to do with it.. "welcome back old friend, stick around a while"... She didn't come from my body, and its nothing I would have imagined, but she is my rainbow, she is my beauty from the pain..she is our new hope...