Wednesday, December 29, 2010

on repeat...

I don't know if its the holiday blues or what, but its been rough. I am so thrilled with all I have been blessed with. Everything with LM seems to be cruising right along, Cayden is doing wonderful, my life is on track and heading in the direction I want it to go.  I can think of Ella and smile, I visited her grave today and didn't cry. I did leave ((again)) thinking of how ridiculously unfair it is that she is gone. I still feel so sad and damaged. I thought of how one day my pain will be less, it is more tolerable already, but one day, will it be gone? And then I felt guilty, without the pain, how will I remember her? No one ever told me about the waves of grief being on repeat..I went through them all, just as I read and expected, but how many cyles do I go through? forever?  another year?
LM is 8 months and 28 days old today. Tomorrow morning at 8:45am, she will be older than Ella ever got a chance to be. I have irrational crazy thoughts about stuff happening today or tomorrow to her, as if I have some sort of cut off and my daughter can not exceed 8 months and 29 days. Its crazy I know, I know LM is fine, healthy and perfect.. I hate that I always have fear of losing her.. I try not to let it interfere with enjoying my 'now' time with her, and most of the time I do fine. .its just that dang quiet time that always gets to me.. when I worry about everything from losing Lm to forgetting Ella..


Stephanie said...

I love reading your raw thoughts and emotions. My heart continues to break for everything you have gone through and the pain you continue to feel.

I pray that you are able to feel some peace and enjoy these moments you are in now!


I just found your blog again - I've been so far behind - I'm glad I found ya :)

brigette said...

I so understand your feelings. Sending you so much love!! You are an amazing mommy!!

LetterstoClaire said...

Who knew that Winnie the Pooh could express the feelings of someone who has lost a child? After a loss, I think a lot of us start counting "down" instead of "up." We have these goal dates to reach- the day of loss that we fear our other children won't pass. For me, it's 23 weeks on the nose and I'll be a nervous wreck until I get there. But I know that's not the end, I'll be saddened knowing that Claire never had the chance to experience what happened next.