It was drizzling and cold and almost dark, but I finally did it. I went and decorated her grave for Christmas.. I don't get joy from it, it doesn't make me feel better to do it. To be perfectly honest, I dread doing it.. I know how it is going to make me feel, I know the rush of heartache and sadness that is going to cover me..I use to get comfort from visiting her little place, not so much any more. I know she is not there.. I change the fall flowers and decor and put down the Christmas tree and a little light I bought for her.. I thought of how she would have loved the holidays this year. She would be 3, old enough to know what she wanted, old enough to tell Santa what she wanted, old enough to really get into the elf on the shelf tradition.. old enough to help make cookies for Santa.. I thought about the Christmas we did have her. Jay wanted to buy her everything he saw..even though she was only 4 months old..toys that were way above her age limit, but she would use them earlier than the recommended age, because after all, she was dang near a genious already.. Never in a million years did I fathom the idea that next Christmas she wouldn't be here.. the next Christmas I was a mess, I couldn't speak her name without the tears..This Christmas is our 3rd without her.. I should be use to it by now right? move along, make Christmas great for Cayden and LB, and I am trying, but it is impossible to not think about who's missing.. she should be shaking her presents, trying to guess what she got.. but she is not.. she hasn't been for quite some time now.. and that burns. One Chrismas with her is not enough, it should have been so many more. When I am old and gray I know I will still be imagining her there.. with a family of her own, grown up and beautiful and successful and happy.. I'll miss her then, as much as I miss her now, and as much as I did when she left us 2.5 years ago..
I guess for now, until we have a Christmas with her again, I need to be grateful for the 1 we had her, and for the many we've had and will have with our kiddo's that are still with us. I need to remember that next Christmas may not come, and treat it and every day like it could be our last with the ones we love the most..
sweet baby,
I am so jealous that you get to spend another Christmas in Heaven. I still miss you so much and think about you all of the time. You were our little miracle and I will always treasure every single second that you allowed me to be your mommy. I miss your smile, I miss your sweet little voice, and miss your angel soft skin. I know you are being a good girl so I don't have to tell you that, but please know my precious girl, that as each day passes, thats another day closer to being back with you..Have a Merry Christmas Angel..
love you to the moon and back!
Mommy
5 comments:
prayers! this is our first Christmas without our Elijah.
This year was similar for me. I didn't rush to her grave to decorate. It is our third without her and I still feel her missing.
I struggle with the decorating as well. I have huge mixed feelings about it.
"When I am old and gray I know I will still be imagining her there.. with a family of her own, grown up and beautiful and successful and happy.. I'll miss her then, as much as I miss her now, and as much as I did when she left us 2.5 years ago.." - this had me crying. This is so true. So many do not understand this.
Huge hugs my friend.
I just put out her winter flowers. I don't go as much as I used to and I understand what you mean when it doesn't bring comfort like it used to.
Her space is beatiful, Jen. I wish she were here, too. xo
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