A couple of weeks ago I decided to try it on her.. I've been staring at it in the closet for three years now.. I put it on and she looked down and said "oh cute!" .. I sat in the floor of her room watching her examine it and fought back tears.. for so long I secretly worried that God did not hear my prayers. I figured maybe I had held so much anger in after Ella that he just quit listening to me.. put me on mute or something..I thought of those long nights I spent rocking her praying for him to let me keep her, begging, bargaining..much the same as I did with Ella in those final weeks.. I thought about all of the pain I carry with me constantly and she will make me smile, just like that.. her and cayden will dance and beat box together and it kills me that Ella is missing, but to see him smile and laugh with her, and the way he loves her, I know God listens and he has exceeded all of our expectations, and shame on me for doubting that.. Seeing Lily in Ella's coat comforts me, I could not save Ella, but instead we got to make this sweet girls life all that she deserves.. I don't believe anyone ever comes full circle after a loss of a child, I have accepted that until Heaven, that I'll be incomplete..Sometimes though, when I least expect it I feel a comfort or peace cover me, and as I sat in her room that evening, it happened, It was a quiet whisper "I'm here" Thank God for never giving up on us, even when we give up on him..
6 comments:
Oh Jen, how wonderfully bitter and so very sweet. She is beautiful, just like Ella.
Every once in awhile the warm coat of peace covers me. In that moment I feel her, I know she is there with me. I wonder if that feeling is her hugging me. xoxo
She looks so precious in it <3
Your last two posts have been amazing. so honest and real. This one is so sweet and true. Your little one looks adorable in this coat but I totally understand the bittersweet. Praying for you this holiday season hoping it is gentle on you!
I'm so glad you have a sweet girl to love on this year and that she can sport Ella's beautiful coat. xo
I have gone back and reread this post time and time again. This time I just have to reply. I too have a little one who never got to wear a perfect little coat, and I too have spent years and years praying for someone to fill it. My daughter didn't die, so I can't completely understand, but she was ripped from my arms. Long story short, my husband and I raised our niece because his sister was a drug addict who couldn't raise her babies. After we had her for three years, her birth mom decided she wanted to be a mom again. She took us to court, passed one scheduled drug test, and got her daughter back that same afternoon. That was 7 years ago, and my arms still ache for my little girl. The little girl who called me mommy for 3 years. The little girl who is 10 years old now and has no idea who I am. I've gone on to have three children of my own. All boys who I love more than life itself. But I keep praying for a little girl who I can keep, who can wear this perfect size three coat my little girl picked out and never got a chance to wear, not even once. My prayers still have not been answered, but I'm not giving up. My arms and my heart ache for a daughter. Your little girls, both of them, are beautiful, as is your son.
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