Wednesday, December 28, 2011

happy happy happy day..

As I am sitting on my bed attempting to work, I hear playing in the hallway and the sweetest little voice repeating 'happy.. happy.. happy daaaay!' Today however is no different than any other day. Christmas is over, the tree is back in the attic, its just another normal day..I love that the simple things bring her joy.

I am not sure if I ever blogged about this or not, but about a month after Lily was placed with us, we got a call for a 21 month old little girl that was most likely going to be up for adoption soon. I spoke with Jay and we agreed to try. I picked her up at the shelter and she was bruised and sad looking and latched to my leg and wanted me to hold her instantly. I was signing the placement papers and a supervisor brought a bottle of prescription pain reliever over and when I asked what it was for, she simply said 'I think she has a cough'.. I have been in the medical field for 10+ years and know this is not for cough and when I told them that I was ceertain it was for pain, she acted like I was out of line for asking. I shook it off and took her with us. My MIL had went with me, we dropped LB off with my mom so we could go get a few things for her. As the day went on it was more and more aparent that this little girl had been through something horrible. I got home with both of the girls and I hear LB screaming, I walked in and the little girl had thrown her cup at her and was trying to get her to stop crying by putting her hand on Lilys face and screaming. I knew what I had to do, and it broke my heart, but in the pit of my stomach I knew this was not a match for our family. I called the worker and she begged me to keep her over the weekend. I told her what had happened and she told me to take her back to the shelter. When I got back, another worker met me and told me the girls history and to say I was baffled is to put it lightly. this.poor.poor. baby heart broke into pieces for her. I spoke with the worker and told her that in my opinion she really needs to be placed in a place where she is the youngest if not only small child.. She agreed and seemed confused on why I was not told the circumstances up front..which I would certainly like to know also.

So here we are a year + later and Lily is the girls age. I can't imagine throwing her into the system and expecting her to just adapt to the constant change, and she has had a good life, a happy happy girl, but I know even for a happy go lucky girl, that it would be difficult. This other little girl though, had been through hell, literally, and just needed a family of her own, someone to shape her and to mold her into the person she could be. Lately I have been feeling guilty, but I have to trust that she went to someone that could help her and dedicate the time and attention to her that she needed.

This little girl is the reason we chose to adopt through the state versus adopting through an agency. The kids no body wanted, the damaged kids. We were blessed with Lily, things were hard at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We could have submitted a life book and came home with a neat little perfect newborn, but we knew that was not what we were meant to do. We could have skipped the grueling visitations, the not knowing of what's next with her, but we knew there was something different in store for us.

This holiday season I kept thinking about the kids left celebrating in the shelters across the world. I thought about this other little girl, she is 3 now, does she have a family? Did she get to open presents with a mom and dad? I thought about LB, what if things hadn't worked out like they did, what if we had kept little man or sweet pea for another month, where would she be? would she be in the shelter? I will not ever know the answer to any of these questions, but I am thankful that this is the road that was chosen for us.

The training isn't bad, you don't have to own a big house, have tons of money, have perfect credit, its really pretty simple.We were told that we would never get a baby, do you know how many calls I have had for babies? I was expecting to wait forever, and it wasn't long at all until our phone was ringing. I was told it may be a while before we get one to adopt, if things had ran smoothly and our first adoption worker was capable, we could have finalized our adoption in 6 months after her placement.  I know this road is not for everyone, and all of them are not the same.. but if you are thinking about it, or have ever thought about it, let me know, reach out.. because the pain, the confusion, the hassle of visitations, court days, monthly visits.. its worth it..every time I see this girl smile and every time I her sing  happy happy day, I know it was all worth worth it in fact that we are keeping our hearts open, and praying that God would let us know when/if we need to open our doors again..

Monday, December 19, 2011

red coat...

I am not sure if you will remember this post from last year, but if you do, you will understand the importance of this picture..

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try it on her.. I've been staring at it in the closet for three years now.. I put it on and she looked down and said "oh cute!" .. I sat in the floor of her room watching her examine it and fought back tears.. for so long I secretly worried that God did not hear my prayers. I figured maybe I had held so much anger in after Ella that he just quit listening to me.. put me on mute or something..I thought of those long nights I spent rocking her praying for him to let me keep her, begging, bargaining..much the same as I did with Ella in those final weeks.. I thought about all of the pain I carry with me constantly and she will make me smile,  just like that.. her and cayden will dance and beat box together and it kills me that Ella is missing, but to see him smile and laugh with her, and the way he loves her, I know God listens and he has exceeded all of our expectations, and shame on me for doubting that.. Seeing Lily in Ella's coat comforts me, I could not save Ella, but instead we got to make this sweet girls life all that she deserves.. I don't believe anyone ever comes full circle after a loss of a child, I have accepted that until Heaven, that I'll be incomplete..Sometimes though, when I least expect it I feel a comfort or peace cover me, and as I sat in her room that evening, it happened, It was a quiet whisper "I'm here"   Thank God for never giving up on us, even when we give up on him..

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

another Christmas without her..

It was drizzling and cold and almost dark, but I finally did it. I went and decorated her grave for Christmas.. I don't get joy from it, it doesn't make me feel better to do it. To be perfectly honest, I dread doing it.. I know how it is going to make me feel, I know the rush of heartache and sadness that is going to cover me..I use to get comfort from visiting her little place, not so much any more. I know she is not there.. I change the fall flowers and decor and put down the Christmas tree and a little light I bought for her.. I thought of how she would have loved the holidays this year. She would be 3, old enough to know what she wanted, old enough to tell Santa what she wanted, old enough to really get into the elf on the shelf tradition.. old enough to help make cookies for Santa.. I thought about the Christmas we did have her. Jay wanted to buy her everything he saw..even though she was only 4 months that were way above her age limit, but she would use them earlier than the recommended age, because after all, she was dang near a genious already.. Never in a million years did I fathom the idea that next Christmas she wouldn't be here.. the next Christmas I was a mess, I couldn't speak her name without the tears..This Christmas is our 3rd without her.. I should be use to it by now right? move along, make Christmas great for Cayden and LB, and I am trying, but it is impossible to not think about who's missing.. she should be shaking her presents, trying to guess what she got.. but she is not.. she hasn't been for quite some time now.. and that burns. One Chrismas with her is not enough, it should have been so many more. When I am old and gray I know I will still be imagining her there.. with a family of her own, grown up and beautiful and successful and happy.. I'll miss her then, as much as I miss her now, and as much as I did when she left us 2.5 years ago..

I guess for now, until we have a Christmas with her again, I need to be grateful for the 1 we had her, and for the many we've had and will have with our kiddo's that are still with us. I need to remember that next Christmas may not come, and treat it and every day like it could be our last with the ones we love the most..

sweet baby,
I am so jealous that you get to spend another Christmas in Heaven. I still miss you so much and think about you all of the time. You were our little miracle and I will always treasure every single second that you allowed me to be your mommy. I miss your smile, I miss your sweet little voice, and miss your angel soft skin. I know you are being a good girl so I don't have to tell you that, but please know my precious girl, that as each day passes, thats another day closer to being back with you..Have a Merry Christmas Angel..

love you to the moon and back!