ramblings...

This week is spring break..last spring break Ella and I were in the hospital dealing with her seizures.. the seizures that stole my sweet smiley baby.. This spring break, we are cleaning, going to the zoo one day and going to see the new "Diary of a wimpy kid" movie on Friday (c's fav books!!) It is so bittersweet to be able to "enjoy" spring..last year she was so sick and fragile and now that we can get out and enjoy the weather, I lack the motivation to do so.. Every time I go anywhere I see little cute spring and Easter dresses.. last year we bought her 3 because they were all so stinking cute.. bleh...another holiday..

Group is going pretty well.. this past week we showed her video montage to the group, I haven't watched it since her funeral, and still haven't.. but I heard the song, I saw the video in my head and it was soo ridiculously hard.. I was so proud of Jay, he loved sharing her with the group, they all ooohhed and ahhhhed at her, and agreed that she was(is) gorgeous.. "her smile" "her eyes" make you melt, make you smile etc etc... yes I am aware..thank you.. (cry all the way home and tearful all night and all day the next day)

Revival was last week, we went every night except Thursday when we had group.. it was good.. I feel as though I am constantly waiting to "be moved" for something, anything to be said, to read, that makes me go "oh well it all makes sense now" Realistically though, I know I am never going to have that..but a girl can dream right??

Well this post is all over the place, but I am here...hanging in there.. thanks for checking in :)

not enough..

When Ella was sick there was nothing to be done. No treatments, no cure..just treat her symptoms the best that we could. To love her with everything, to be committed to her, to her well-being and health, it just was simply not enough..Since she has passed, we have been searching for something to help us, cayden and our family in general, something to fill our broken hearts. We would love another child of our own right now, but its just not logical for us.. maybe one day..but now there are so many risks of another sick child, and we just cannot bear it..sooo we have been searching for an answer, been praying for guidance..and Jay and I have decided to foster a child (maybe 2).. all we could do for Ella just was not enough, but its all these kids need..even if its just a night or two, we are making a difference.. We are only going to take in girls 0-2 for the time since all we have extra is a crib and a pink room, but its a start.. and since we have made this decision..we have a sense of peace. We met with a DHS worker this week and are going to begin training as soon as I get all of the paperwork in.. It could take up to 90 days to have everything done (training, home studies, etc etc) but in the mean time.. we wait and do what we need to do.. so this is our news, and it seems as though right now, things are on the right track..I still have bad days..but they are getting a tad bit easier...  

motions..

Verb

1.

go through the motions - pretend to do something by acting as if one was really doing it; "She isn't really working--she's just going through the motions" Make believe, pretend, make - represent fictitiously, as in a play, or pretend to be or act like Get up, one foot out of bed and then the other.. Fake Smile at the people I know, or are acquaintances with at the school, grocery store, church, everywhere I go..I see someone I must smile at.. work, clean, feed the dog and cats, try to take care of my family and friends and be there when they need me..but I am only partially there..I am consumed by my own sadness, that I cannot focus..I am numb to others grief and pain..I hate it.. fake smile when everyone someone else announces their pregnancies, new babies, etc etc.. all the while thinking_ I just wish I could still have her..I wish things were different..I just need my baby..here.. Let Cayden off to school, friends and family's house to stay the night.. I have to fake a smile and be fine, although I just want him to stay with me..all of the time.. I just need to know at any given moment that he is okay.. I pretend that it doesn't kill me that it is March already.."yeah, I guess it is march, I didn't realize" liar.. I have been dreading it for a few reasons. March is when we decided to place her feeding tube, when her seizures started, when I brought her home different than when I took her in.. I let her seize all night trying to take care of her myself, because I knew that she would be readmitted, and she was to ICU..I should have taken her sooner..and to top it off, C will be 10 on the 30th.. 10.years.old.. he has wanted a sibling since he was 4, and I can't even provide him with one to keep.. so..yeah. I guess I do realize its March..just a few months shy of May..when my world fell apart.. I want so much more than to go through the motions forever.. I want to not be numb. I want to care about what people are saying, what people are going through.. I want to smile and MEAN it.. I don't want to be envious of every family with a baby or toddler around the age Ella should be..