patience, or shall I say lack of....

pa·tience [pey-shuhns]

–noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

Guess what God did not bless me with? yep..patience..I have never claimed to be a patient person, everything I want/need, I wanted/needed it yesterday..Sitting and waiting..not knowing whats ahead, man..its just really freaking hard..I know I am not the only one that feels this.. I not that I have any feelings of "entitledness" or that I am better or more important than any one else.. but sometimes I can't help but think "when is our time going to come, we have been through enough for several lifetimes.." Some lady dropped her babies off and a firestation recently, and my first thought was frustration..how does this chick throw away perfectly healthy babies, when we would have laid down our lives for ours to have a chance? (sidenote: I am so thankful that she did leave them there, and not harm them or leave them abandoned) and then I thought about them going into the system..so many good families waiting for completeness with children to keep...our time will come though..I am working on patience..I am a tad envious of those who come by it naturally..because its not that I have little patience, I have ZERO.. ask anyone IRL who knows me.. :)

I have mentioned it seems like everyone who has ever met me is pregnant.. 2 SIL's, BFF, cousin/sister, acquaintances, church members, and I am sure many many more.. I was watching Army wives the other night, and one of them women and her husband were watching their baby on ultrasound, and before I knew it the tears were coming..would we ever have that again? I remember watching Ella's US dvd over and over and over.. and it breaks my heart..to miss her, to not ever have that again.. that excitement and anticipation, don't get me wrong, I HATE being pregnant, but sometimes, I long for it, just knowing the outcome would be a keeper baby..however I am trying to talk my mom into getting pregnant and carrying triplets for me..*any one see Strange Pregnancies on discovery health?* She says her eggs are too old though..haha..anyway..so right now, I am just waiting and praying for patience..either that or a baby to be handed over to me with no strings attached, hey a girl can dream right ;)

my own personal kind of heroine...

13 months out and I still crave her.. I close my eyes and remember what she felt like, what she smelled like, her laugh, her sweet smile, her haunting big blue eyes.. 13 months and I still feel the NEED for her..not want, of course I want her here, I could say that most want her here still, but I NEED her.. I need her like an addict needs his next fix. I've gone through my rehab (therapy) but it makes me need more tolerable..its not so over whelming that I can't function anymore..but its aways there.. Hopefully this week sometime, we'll have some little feet in the house, and I am so glad and so grateful this is the decision that we made, to help kids who need it the most..but even then..it will still be there.. the need for her.. and honestly I hope it never goes away..its what reminds me that she was here in the first place..

randomness

We signed our foster and adoption contract yesterday. I felt joy, relief and guilt...mostly joy and relief, but that guilt hit shortly before..Is it too soon? Does this mean we'll think of Ella less, miss her any less? They said 3-4 days to get it all done and they will contact us for a placement..3-4 days left to mourn for her? Last night I was thinking about it and have came to the conclusion, that even if I have 18 other kids, I will still miss her equally. Its not too soon, our hearts tell us this is the right thing for our family.. its the path we were meant to go..that is not saying we were 'meant' to lose her, but we did, and for now, we need to proceed with our life and not be stuck in her death. She existed, she was perfect, she was everything we wanted and needed and so much more, but she is gone..Its not going to do me, or anyone else any good for me to wallow in my self-pity. We will grieve, mourn and remember her until we are reunited in heaven. I know my doubts come from the devil, trying to keep us from helping others, trying to keep us from joy, comfort, etc etc..We are excited to make a difference, to help, to be a blessing to others..and in the meantime, we'll pray for our family to be completed forever. I thought about creating another blog about foster/adoption, but have decided not to..this was our story before her, and is our story of 'Attempting to love life without her'..its us finding our new normal..so I will blog here about the other things, and I certainly understand if I lose readers..its not just a loss blog (which in all honesty has been for the past 13 months) ...We are moving on, not without her, but with her in our hearts instead of our arms...

In other news, our lovely, intellegent and beautiful pal Mandi has taken more pics of C-man, and soon will take a few family pics, so here are a few she's let us sneak a peak at..he looks so big, doesn't he?! he went from my baby to my not-so-little-any-more-man!

here are a few conversations we've had lately...he's so smart and soo funny...
~*~*~*~
C- If  K gave baby H up to the state, would you take her?
Me- ((laugh)) ummm..I don't think that is ever going to happen, but I am sure we would..
C- I know they wouldn't but .. but that would be good, she is not sick one little bit..
((sigh))
Me~ maybe we'll get one just as cute
C~ that can't happen, none can compare to her cuteness...except Ella, she's the cutest in Heaven though..


Me- We sign our contract tomorrow, maybe this week we'll have a little girl!
C- What?! your were pregnant with Ella for 9 months,  we've only been waiting 4..I haven't had time to prepare!
Me~ prepare? for what?! Do you need more time?
C~ no, but there goes sleeping in all summer..
me~ ((laugh)) I will close your door if we get up early..promise..

He is such a turkey..he is excited and anxious about what age we are going to get..we all are :)