randomness

We signed our foster and adoption contract yesterday. I felt joy, relief and guilt...mostly joy and relief, but that guilt hit shortly before..Is it too soon? Does this mean we'll think of Ella less, miss her any less? They said 3-4 days to get it all done and they will contact us for a placement..3-4 days left to mourn for her? Last night I was thinking about it and have came to the conclusion, that even if I have 18 other kids, I will still miss her equally. Its not too soon, our hearts tell us this is the right thing for our family.. its the path we were meant to go..that is not saying we were 'meant' to lose her, but we did, and for now, we need to proceed with our life and not be stuck in her death. She existed, she was perfect, she was everything we wanted and needed and so much more, but she is gone..Its not going to do me, or anyone else any good for me to wallow in my self-pity. We will grieve, mourn and remember her until we are reunited in heaven. I know my doubts come from the devil, trying to keep us from helping others, trying to keep us from joy, comfort, etc etc..We are excited to make a difference, to help, to be a blessing to others..and in the meantime, we'll pray for our family to be completed forever. I thought about creating another blog about foster/adoption, but have decided not to..this was our story before her, and is our story of 'Attempting to love life without her'..its us finding our new normal..so I will blog here about the other things, and I certainly understand if I lose readers..its not just a loss blog (which in all honesty has been for the past 13 months) ...We are moving on, not without her, but with her in our hearts instead of our arms...

In other news, our lovely, intellegent and beautiful pal Mandi has taken more pics of C-man, and soon will take a few family pics, so here are a few she's let us sneak a peak at..he looks so big, doesn't he?! he went from my baby to my not-so-little-any-more-man!

here are a few conversations we've had lately...he's so smart and soo funny...
~*~*~*~
C- If  K gave baby H up to the state, would you take her?
Me- ((laugh)) ummm..I don't think that is ever going to happen, but I am sure we would..
C- I know they wouldn't but .. but that would be good, she is not sick one little bit..
((sigh))
Me~ maybe we'll get one just as cute
C~ that can't happen, none can compare to her cuteness...except Ella, she's the cutest in Heaven though..


Me- We sign our contract tomorrow, maybe this week we'll have a little girl!
C- What?! your were pregnant with Ella for 9 months,  we've only been waiting 4..I haven't had time to prepare!
Me~ prepare? for what?! Do you need more time?
C~ no, but there goes sleeping in all summer..
me~ ((laugh)) I will close your door if we get up early..promise..

He is such a turkey..he is excited and anxious about what age we are going to get..we all are :)