Thursday, July 1, 2010


We signed our foster and adoption contract yesterday. I felt joy, relief and guilt...mostly joy and relief, but that guilt hit shortly before..Is it too soon? Does this mean we'll think of Ella less, miss her any less? They said 3-4 days to get it all done and they will contact us for a placement..3-4 days left to mourn for her? Last night I was thinking about it and have came to the conclusion, that even if I have 18 other kids, I will still miss her equally. Its not too soon, our hearts tell us this is the right thing for our family.. its the path we were meant to go..that is not saying we were 'meant' to lose her, but we did, and for now, we need to proceed with our life and not be stuck in her death. She existed, she was perfect, she was everything we wanted and needed and so much more, but she is gone..Its not going to do me, or anyone else any good for me to wallow in my self-pity. We will grieve, mourn and remember her until we are reunited in heaven. I know my doubts come from the devil, trying to keep us from helping others, trying to keep us from joy, comfort, etc etc..We are excited to make a difference, to help, to be a blessing to others..and in the meantime, we'll pray for our family to be completed forever. I thought about creating another blog about foster/adoption, but have decided not to..this was our story before her, and is our story of 'Attempting to love life without her'..its us finding our new I will blog here about the other things, and I certainly understand if I lose readers..its not just a loss blog (which in all honesty has been for the past 13 months) ...We are moving on, not without her, but with her in our hearts instead of our arms...

In other news, our lovely, intellegent and beautiful pal Mandi has taken more pics of C-man, and soon will take a few family pics, so here are a few she's let us sneak a peak at..he looks so big, doesn't he?! he went from my baby to my not-so-little-any-more-man!

here are a few conversations we've had lately...he's so smart and soo funny...
C- If  K gave baby H up to the state, would you take her?
Me- ((laugh)) ummm..I don't think that is ever going to happen, but I am sure we would..
C- I know they wouldn't but .. but that would be good, she is not sick one little bit..
Me~ maybe we'll get one just as cute
C~ that can't happen, none can compare to her cuteness...except Ella, she's the cutest in Heaven though..

Me- We sign our contract tomorrow, maybe this week we'll have a little girl!
C- What?! your were pregnant with Ella for 9 months,  we've only been waiting 4..I haven't had time to prepare!
Me~ prepare? for what?! Do you need more time?
C~ no, but there goes sleeping in all summer..
me~ ((laugh)) I will close your door if we get up early..promise..

He is such a turkey..he is excited and anxious about what age we are going to get..we all are :)


Lisette said...

Beautiful.... wishing you and your family only the best. Ella will be so proud of you.

Lori said...

Praying for the perfect placement for you and some sweet little one!!

You'll always, always, always have Ella with you--you just will be able to share some of your love and joy with another precious little one!

Heather said...

I can't wait to hear more about your journey here. From what I have heard from others who have had more children, your heart just grows. Nothing will change concerning your Ella. She will ALWAYS be a big part of your hearts and of your lives.

Bonky's Mom said...

I'm excited for you guys! If I can be of any help or encouragement as you navigate the system...or just a listening ear, just email.

Don't pressure yourself to move past grieving until God soothes your soul in such a way...but don't put pressure on yourself.

Trustfully, God will bring you to a place where joy returns, where sun shines upon your heart and soul, but even then, when those aches of missing your baby girl come, let the tears fall. And when joy creeps in, let it take full root.

Praying that Satan not have any control over your thoughts and that God do incredible your lives and in the lives of the little ones He will put with you.

brigette said...

That is such a quick turn around time! How exciting!! Sending your family the best of luch!

Stephanie said...

Oh my goodness I can not believe he has gotten so big!!!!! that's insane! and such a handsome boy he is - guess I can't say cute,can I?

I would never stop following - I'm here in good and bad times for you so don't you fret over that.

Praying for you and the placement - I know it will be just perfect!!!

And remember Ella understands exactly what you are doing. Just because you are continuing to live life doesn't mean you will miss her any less!!!!

Elizabeth said...

How wonderful! I am praying for a swift and easy adoption process. *hugs*

PB&J said...

So excited for you and your family and how amazing this will all be... I know I'll be reading to find out just the same.

Holly said...

I know that whatever child comes into your home will be so blessed by your care!! Ella will forever be a part of your family and she will always be missed. ♥

The pics turned out really good!!!

Nan & Mike said...

Best wishes sweet girl, your WHOLE family is beautiful. I know you have so much love to give and that any child that you come in contact with is so fortunate to know you and learn from you xxx hugs, Nan