Tuesday, July 6, 2010

my own personal kind of heroine...

13 months out and I still crave her.. I close my eyes and remember what she felt like, what she smelled like, her laugh, her sweet smile, her haunting big blue eyes.. 13 months and I still feel the NEED for her..not want, of course I want her here, I could say that most want her here still, but I NEED her.. I need her like an addict needs his next fix. I've gone through my rehab (therapy) but it makes me need more tolerable..its not so over whelming that I can't function anymore..but its aways there.. Hopefully this week sometime, we'll have some little feet in the house, and I am so glad and so grateful this is the decision that we made, to help kids who need it the most..but even then..it will still be there.. the need for her.. and honestly I hope it never goes away..its what reminds me that she was here in the first place..

9 comments:

Meghann Gehring Turnquist said...

I know *exactly* what you mean. I realized the other day that nothing I have, even the things I didn't wash, don't smell like Leah anymore ..... her hair, the creams I used on her, the smell of her formula .... it's all disappearing from my memory and I don't have anything to bring it back.

Malory said...

Sometimes I miss the fresh grief (crazy I know) because she felt as though she was just here. I just had her in my arms. As time goes by the functioning part of life returns & the stabbing pain subsides to dull aching but I don't want it to ever go away. Its my connection to my little girl. This post I can completely relate to. Well written. Well said.

Mary said...

I know what you mean about the grief eating you alive, and yet you not wanting it to leave. It is all we have of them. To miss them feels as close to loving/having them as we can get.

caitsmom said...

"missing" is a poor word to describe the depth of this ache. I'm so sorry.

Nan & Mike said...

Beautifully written, sadly understood (((hugs))). Wishing she were with you xxx

Stephanie said...

Jen - it won't!!!! You'll always feel that way and you are an amazing mother!

Love you!!!! and constantly thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

My name is Heather Clausen.. In 2004 I lost my son at almost seven months from liver failure. The doctors could not figure out why the liver failure occurred and we never got a diagnosis. It was so hard not knowing why and wondering if it could be genetic. We didn't know so took a chance on having more children.. I have two beautiful girls now..ages 4 and 2. At that point I was pretty sure if it was genetic it was X-linked related and could only be passed to boys (my mom had two girls, my sister had two girls, Tommy was the first boy)..so I was relieved to find out my next little one was a girl also. She was born on 3/13/2010... She died on the 5th of this month from liver failure also. Doctors have figured out that it looks like a mitochondrial disease...now we just wait to find out for sure. I was so SURE it wouldn't happen again.. But, you know, I'm glad we had more kids. If I handn't then I wouldn't have my two girls AND I would never have had Julie in my life.. And I would do it all over again because losing her meant I got the chance to have her as my daughter..if only for a few months. She was my last..I had my tubes tied when she was born. Being home is so hard right now. I miss her... My email address is heatherjayne@joimail.com . I suppose I am mostly writing because I don't know of anyone else who has lost an infant to a mitochondrial disorder...

Lori said...

Bless your heart....wishing she was with you still...

Holly said...

I think we'll always need them....reminders of them....memories of them. It's all we have in this life.