Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Groundhogs day ..

February 2nd is a few different things to me.. groundhogs day, my best friend Erins bday and in 2009, the first day I prayed for the Lord to let me die.. I sat on the couch holding Ella as she slept on my chest.. she had been sleeping a while, but quite frankly, I just didn't want to put her down.. it was about 2pm, jay was at work and Cayden was home on the computer..my phone rang and it was Dr. K, our geneticist that we met a few weeks earlier...

DK-Jen, this is Dr.K, how are things going?
Me-Great! She is playing and talking and so much better! She looks so good!!
DK-That is good to hear. But.. listen, we got some results back from Baylor
me-Oh yeah?And?
DK-... and unfortunately it confirms that she does indeed have the mito depletion..
me-No, thats not right, didn't you hear me? she is better? she's not sick anymore...
DK-Well, I am glad to hear that she is feeling better, but the blood we sent to Baylor was sequenced and....
Me- AND She is not even yellow any more...she is happy, and she is doing better...she can't have that..she would be sick, getting worse not better...
DK-I am sorry, but she has it..why don't you and your husband come in for your appointment in a few days and we'll talk about our options and what we are going to do..I am really sorry...
Me-....me too.....

Jay got home a little after 5.. and I told him.. I bawled as I held her for hours on end.. we told our parents that night, it was so hard.. they knew this was a death sentence.."there's always hope",
"maybe they were wrong", "God provides miracles" "we are NOT giving up on her" ...we said these things over and over that evening.. and then got home, got ready for bed and held her more..praying a prayer I have never in my life prayed or even thought about..."Dear Lord, I can't do this, I can't let her go, please let me go first, I know you did not mold me to get through such a loss"..The following weeks I prayed this every night..I prayed for the Lord to return, to call us home...obviously neither happened.. I am still here and the rapture is yet to happen.. I love my family so much, and I live for Cayden.. this was a selfish prayer, I know.. and I am so thankful that I did not have to endure this loss alone.. it wasn't just ME.. it was the love of and for my family, Jay and Cayden, our families and friends love and support and many prayers.. but most of all it was the Lord..we knew that, while we were holding her, he was holding us.. and now that she is forever at peace... he is still holding us..and will do so until we are called home by death or rapture..

So for us, groundhogs day is a day that will forever be imprinted in our memories.. one of many..I will never forget the rush of emotions that came with that call... I will never forget the shame I felt for muttering such an awful prayer.. and I am so thankful that this year, I know my baby is safe, happy and healthy..and just hanging out til we get there..

15 comments:

Bree said...

What a horrible day to have to relive each year. I'm so sorry, Jen. Thinking of you, Jay, Cayden, and Ella. Sending love your way.

Kelli with Love said...

Jen, I'm so sorry. Life is so unfair. I wish you could relive Groundhog's Day over and over like that movie...simply because Ella was in your arms. Love and hugs.

Mary said...

I can't imagine receiving that call. Jen I am praying for you and your family.

Lisa said...

Reading this brought a lot of memories back for me, too. We have a few days like that etched in our memories..the worst days of our lives.

Kristy said...

Jen, this post made me cry. I am so sorry today is a day that is forever engrained in your mind in such a sad way. I wish I could take away your pain, I wish I could take away your loss. Your baby girl, Ella, deserves to be in your arms. I am so sad. :( Lots of *hugs*

Debbie said...

wow jen...huge flood of emotions in one post...can't imagine replaying that conversation in your head, or the prayer, or the way she felt in your arms...

you summed up this post in truth and faith....
and you are one amazing gal!

(this post, you,
gave me the nudge I needed...i need to press into God...despite anger, sorrow, defeat...thank you!)

Megan said...

Aww I'm so sorry that this day brings back such awful memories. However it's wonderful that on this day you held your baby in your arms for hours on end. *hugs*

withoutmypunkin said...

((((HUGS)))) Thinking of you and Ella

Akul's mama said...

I read your post through tears ..it reminded of the three days I got to hold Akul. I am so sorry Ella is not with you today.

Christy said...

Oh, Jen. That is is so awful. So unfair. I closed my eyes and thought of you getting that phone call and it made my heart ache through and through.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you have to relive this.
I wish I could give you one, but I'll send hugs instead.
Take care of you!

Holly said...

What an awful call to receive. :( I'm sorry you had to hear those words. Sending love and hugs to you

Once A Mother said...

what a horrible call to receive. please don't feel shame though, you were on the receiving end of the worst possible news. sending so many prayers of love and support your way

Bluebird said...

Hey honey. . .I just clicked over from your comment on my blog. I don't feel like its the first time you've commented, but I've been a little scatterbrained lately :), so I think this is the first time I've clicked over. I am so touched and humbled by your story, and felt my eyes fill with tears as I read this post. I'll be following along . . .

A Dragonfly's Embrace said...

Jen,

I'm so sorry. Anniversary days are just horrible. It's amazing how your mind can take you right back into that day/time.. the sounds, smells, and of course the overwhelming emotions. Think about you and your family often.

Peace,
Ben

Nan & Mike said...

*Tears* Praying for peace in your heart, and sending big hugs. Im so sorry sweetie xoxo