Monday, October 25, 2010

The new and improved 30??!

So it is no big secret that I will be turning 30 tomorrow ((aka 29.01)) I will admit that for so long 30 seemed so old, so far away and now its staring me in the face. I remember always saying that I will not have any kids after 30. When I was pregnant with Ella, I told Jay that if we were to have another one, I would have to get pregnant when Ella was about 18 months. that would make me 30 and then we could be done.  The age thing doesn't make me sad, but I feel like I am looking at this open book wandering where we went wrong? Why aren't things the way that we planned them. I have made lists, timelines, and agenda's since I was a teenager. I love to have order, to know exactly what is going to happen and when. First it was the infertility issue after Cayden, my plan was to have another when C was 5. Finally got pregnant and had Ella when he was 8. A little off schedule, but we can work with it. She dies when he is 9 and I am back to square 1. We now have little miss, and things are never certain with foster care, or so it seems. Things are said about if we get the go ahead and can adopt her, and I would love nothing more than to keep her forever and ever. But even if we did get the 'go ahead' I think I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing has gone as planned so far, so why would it now? I hate thinking this way.

The thirty I wanted was way different than the thirty I am getting.. I want and still have a wonderful family and friends, a fantastic husband and son that I would do anything for. My 2 year old daughter is absent. I walk around with a partially broken heart 24/7. I have random bouts of sadness that over come me with out warning. Things I have that I would have not imagined though, an even closer bond with my husband and son after the loss.. We decided early on that we were not going to be the family that falls apart, but the one that falls together after tragedy. We have a beautiful baby girl who can make us smile and laugh when we are having the worst day. Although we do not know what the future holds, we do know that we are helping, we are making a difference in her life and any other lives that are placed in our care. We are making the most of our lives, we love deeper, we have patience and strength that we never thought possible. My days of order and plannning have gone out the window, I have embraced the chaos, I am finding my new normal, and I am learning to love every minute of it.

I think its funny to step back and look at our lives, to see what we wanted vs what we have, or what God wanted for us, what God has planned for us. I still hold tight to the fact that nothing will ever be worth losing Ella, but I am now seeing a little bit of what is meant for us, and that's not so bad either..
I've shared this verse a million times, so what is 1 more time.. psalms 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Much of my twenties were spend in sadness and conflict, so here is to the new and hopefully better thirties..

what I wouldn't give to go have a heart to heart with the 18 year old Jen..The things I would prepare her for, the heart ache I would warn her about...and the moments I would tell her to soak in and enjoy as much as possible.

I just saw this preview on facebook and wanted to share ((after watching it several times)), I have a huge lump in my throat and felt like I was about to cry. The conversation about God needing another angel did me in. I am certain I have had that exact conversation before. I am sure I will cry the entire time, but I do plan on watching it. Hopefully this sheds some light on child loss, and how as parents we 'deal' with it..Be sure to silence the music at the bottom of the blog.


The Blue Sparrow said...

Jen, I hope you have a great B-day 2moro! I know the life we have now is nothing like the plans we made for ourselves but as I was reading this post I was espicaially aware of the song playing, we ARE in better hands now. (((HUGS)))

Foster mama K said...

Thank for you for stopping by my blog. I am sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl Ella. She is beautiful! My sisters daughter Teagyn (my niece) passed away in 2005 from a rare genetic disorder. She was the light of my life. I took care of her wihle my sister (a single mom) was at work. Never in a million years did we think we would be parenting a terminally ill child. I look forward to getting to "know" you and your family a little bitter.

Take care


KAM said...

Wow. I just sat here at my desk and started crying. I hadn't heard of this film. Although my story is different, I felt like I was watching myself at times in that clip. Kudos to Nicole Kidman for taking on such a difficult role.

Michelle said...

I hope you are having a wonderful birthday to kick off a new decade! I wish you your 30s and beyond filled with love and laughter.

Michelle (ICLW #15)

Lisa said...

I can't get over how much your son looks like you in that photo!! Hope you had a wonderful birthday!

brigette said...

You are so cute!! I hope your birthday was a great one!!

Holly said...

I plan on watching the movie too. I know for sure I will cry!

I know that you can never have imagined being in the place you are now when looking ahead at life. Nobody plans this. Nobody wants this.

Courtney said...

I just picked up my yearbooks from my Mom's house this past weekend and I thought about the same thing ... I would like to tell the 18 year Courtney to brace herself for what is to come. =*(


Willow said...

I hope you have a very happy birthday! I turned 30 last year and it really isn't so bad :). I do think all the time about things I wish I could go back and tell 18-year-old me (the age I was when I met my husband). I am so sorry for your loss and think you're so amazing & strong for being a foster mom. Our son joined our family thru an agency adoption and I just don't think I could handle the foster process but so admire those who do it! May this be a wonderful year for you.

Krissi said...

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. My daughter (who was my first IVF miracle) is also named Ella. She is 3 1/2. I can only imagine the incredible heartache you must experience daily. I am now 33...turning 34 in a few months. Turning 30 wasn't too bad. It's quite uplifting to see you looking positively about it. You are so stong. *Hugs!* (ICLW #72 & 106)